I'm Some Crazy Person

 IDK anymore.... Sometimes I'm doing better
than I have in a long time.... 
In the last 2 years, 
and then sometimes I feel like I'm just documenting
a descent... Idk how to describe that feeling. 

And it could be just paranoia or something. IDK.
I go from feeling decent to terrified, 
then I start trying to talk myself out of it.
Like things are okay, and that I'm okay....
And that I'll be okay... But I just don't know.

It's really scary to be going through that.
When you feel okay, like just a normal day
of trying to figure out some things....

To feeling not okay....
Mind going a million miles a minute kind of stuff....

It's hard to explain this stuff to anyone
or even talk about it....

Like "That's just you being scared for no reason...."
And what if there is a reason?

I went to the cops
because I thought I had a good enough reason.
And going to the cops just made things worse.

And it's like most people think I'm crazy
and I feel like I'm just crazy.
I hope that I'm just crazy.

Crazy for staying, crazy for wanting to leave. 
Crazy for telling that crush that he was my crush
all that time, and wanting him in my life
when he just thinks I'm crazy, too.
Everyone does.

Some days, and nights, it just feels like I'm crazy.
Overly paranoid or whatever.

I'm just.... I didn't feel like this a few years ago.
Things were still relatively 'normal.'
No covid, no failed dating attempts....
Before I told **** the secret I kept from him.
And I wish I hadn't. 
Because I swear he just thinks I'm some crazy person.

And apparently I have BPD..... So I guess that makes me crazy.
And some intense fears etc. Not to do with him. 
But it started over a year ago....
Some things that I tried not to freak out about
that I ended up freaking out about....

And I tried asking for help....
And I rarely go outside now.
Because of that time those two dudes in a car
tried to stop me.... 

And I saw a car that looked like a similar color...
Don't know if it is the same one... 
Didn't get the license plate the first time....
I was just wanting to get away....

But that car the last time I went out....
A few nights ago? Pulled a u-turn
and came down the side of the street I was on.
So when I saw that, I crossed the street and they didn't stop, 
but I saw the same car about 3 or 4 times that night....

Dude at the gas station was of no help. 
I asked if I could leave my id with him
and come get it the next day....
He just told me to call 9-1-1.
And stupidly, I don't have a cell phone....

I was not feeling safe at home so I went outside
and I started not feeling safe outside
so I came back home
and I think I only went out once.....

And maybe I'm going crazy from just staying home.
Or maybe I just don't feel so great about some things
that have been going on....
Maybe I'm freaking myself out. Idk.

On top of that, I haven't been really talking to people.
Just counsellors and my doctor.

The sleeping stuff, well.... I'm always tired
because of the medication, 
but not I'm not really sleeping well. 
Not eating well.
And kind of got myself into a bit of a bind.... 

So I'll have to head downtown more....
But I don't really want to leave here, 
but feel like I can't stay here.
If that makes any sense.... 

Like all I did was make things worse for myself.
And I feel like I can't stay here.
And the hospital is "safe"
but all they want to do is give me pills, 
but.... I have to sort some things out
and the nurses and doctors are not counsellors....

Just feels like I'll climb up for a little bit
and I'll feel okay..... Like more like myself.... 
Then I'll start losing it, all over again.

Also, I checked my fb account and it seems like
there's someone logged into my account. 
And Idk why. Or who. 
All I can do is log them out of my account.... 

And I stopped posting on there.
And rarely talk to anyone on there anymore.

And rarely talk to anyone on the phone now... 

Just blogging... Idk who's reading it.

I know someone who is being stalked
and receiving threats of being kidnapped. 
Damage was done to her mother's car.... 

They know who is doing it. 
Someone she met at the University she went to....
Sometimes I wonder if that person
is finding out who she's associated with.

Sometimes I think the fear
is part of my mental illness
like freaking out for no reason or something. 

But at the time I went to the police, 
the fear was pretty real. 

Anyway, it comes and goes.
I feel okay, then the fear sets in....
And the sadness and just....
I go from okay to a wreck
and I hate feeling like this.

It started in December and started getting worse.
The thing with the dudes in the car....
That was back in October. Well a year from then. 
Because I was still talking to **** back then....

And pretty sure that I stopped talking to him in the summer.
Because in the spring, around April or May
was when he told me he got with someone else. 
And I went though that period of time
where I was so p*ssed off at him, 
then missed him.... And then he tried to talk to me, 
but I wasn't really ready to talk to him, then.
Because I was still p*ssed off
after the way he treated me....
But still have some conflicted feelings over all that, 
but I know that it probably wouldn't be
a good idea to start that back up, again. 
At least as some sort of romantic possibility, 
because that's probably not what we were supposed to be.

I still actually care about the guy.
I just can't have anything with him, 
because he seriously breadcrumbed me for over a year
while whatever was supposedly over with his 'ex' wasn't over.

Just felt he was lying to me the whole time
and acting like I was the one seeing other guys
when I was just hanging out with friends who are guys.
Who knew I had a thing for ****.
A friend of my friend didn't know
and told **** I was seeing someone
who I wasn't. It was an assumption,
and the guy who told him never asked me if I was
or asked my friend if he was seeing me, 
just saw us together and thought we were 'together'
and told **** so he had his suspicions
and started doing whatever he was doing
or kept doing it. IDK.
But I heard what he was doing
before I heard it from HIM
and he had a long time to tell me.
The way he told me was pretty disrepectful.
And I was pretty p*ssed that he didn't just tell me.
The truth, like all of it.
I'd been telling him the truth the whole time.

A guy friend of mine asking to stay with me
for a few months didn't look good. 
He thought something was going on the whole time with him, 
but nothing was.
I guess he doesn't get that the guys I'm friends with
ARE JUST FRIENDS.
When I'm into a guy, my friends know about him. 
Whether they agree with it, or like the guy or not. 
And if the guy is good to me and treats me with respect, 
they'd have no problem with it. 

They just want to see a guy treat me well and with respect.
And being my friends, they want to see me happy.
As long as that's all good, they are good
with whoever I'm seeing. 

I was happy for the chance to reunite with ****, 
but I wasn't happy with the way he was treating me
and neither were my friends.

And he just wouldn't believe that I was only into him. 
And was only seeing him.... 
But I wasn't the only one he was seeing....
And that is why it didn't work out.

Then I met a cool guy who helped me get over him.
And I was pretty smitten for a while
until my life started to derail and I started derailing with it. 
And then I wanted to know what he thought of me, 
and he told me.
And was worried that he would stop talking to me
And he pretty much did for a while.
So we talk a little bit here and there, 
no conversations lately, but I'm a f*cked up person
and he knows he doesn't have to waste his time on me. 
And I'd just like to see him happy. 
And I'd like to see **** happy, too.

As long as they are happy, I'll be okay.

I realized that I'm pretty f*cked up.
And it has gotten pretty bad for me
over the last few months, especially....

Before C***** and I stopped talking, 
things had been getting bad.
And I just started sinking and sinking further
after he and I stopped talking.

And I stopped talking to pretty much everyone.

I want people to be happy, 
but when I'm a mess, I can't be around anyone.
And I can't talk to anyone. 
And everyone's pretty much better off without me.

And I just sink, float, sink, float. For a while
until I can't tell if I'm sinking or floating.
And bounce between being okay
to being scared.... Very....
And feeling like I'm just losing it
and that everyone would be better off without me.....

And just go "hermit" mode and write about it....
Just because I have to. Or I would probably lose it.
When I was in the hospital, 
and unable to write, I dunno....
All I kept thinking was "at least I'm safe"
and I was sleeping and eating better than I had in a while. 
Then I got out of the hospital
and started staying up at night
because I was too scared to sleep at night....
And feeling unsafe at home....

Wasn't even washing my hair for a while.
Just being a neurotic wreck. Nothing new.

Just got so much worse after my son
was saying those things and when I freaked out.
And when I got scared because I know he's mad at me.
And just.... I can't explain the rest....

And C***** was trying his best to keep me sane, 
but it's not his job. 
And C**** has been trying, too, 
but it's not his job, either.
And he got a big promotion at work.
And was dealing with me on the side....
Like literally having breakdown after breakdown.....

And I'm not breaking down
because I'll never get married
or that **** didn't want me.
It's something completely different.
Not even midlife crisis.
An extremely low point in my life.
Where sometimes I'm okay, 
and other days I'm f*cking terrified....

Sometimes I wish I never told ****
how I felt about him. 
And just took that to my grave.
Because I should have known. 
He didn't want me then. 
So why would he want me 17 years later?

I was stupid to think he'd get to know me, finally, 
and that I might stand a chance....
Because I never f*cking did. I didn't. 
Two very different people
despite some similiarities
from two very different worlds....
Like star crossed lovers who were fated to be together....
Like give me a f*cking break....
Why did I ever believe in dreams like that?

Why did I think that he'd finally notice me
and give me a real chance.....
And somehow fall in love with me
when he wasn't even trying to ge to know me?

And just..... Why did I even tell him?
Just because I didn't all those years ago?
And I didn't because I was clearly
not his type, period.

I tried to tell him once, 
and when I was 15 and he was 17....
He told me it wasn't a good idea.
That is what he told me
and I should have just left it at that,
but for whatever stupid reason, 
I thought he secretly liked me, too.
And so I told him. Everything. 
Laid it all on the line.
And he just respected me less and less and less.
Acting like he didn't care about me at all.

And sometimes acting like he did.
Like he couldn't let anyone liking me.
Or something.

But whatever. I told him. I took the chance. 
To have it blow up in my face. 
Because I didn't listen to him
when he told me that it wasn't a good idea.
And he was trying to let me down easy.
But I didn't listen and the dude broke my heart.

So I learned my lessons on that.
And learned my lessons on some other things.
And still have some lessons to learn.
And still go through times
where I just want to call it quits on life. 

Not because of ****, and not because 
apparently I can't find a guy who actually likes me back....
Who'd actually date me and treat me well....

Not because of any of that,
but that doesn't feel good, either....

Mostly because I failed to do the things I was supposed to do....
And I can't tell you how that feels.
And fears associated with that....
I can't tell you how that feels, either.

And isolating myself from everyone
is because of that and because I just feel
pretty f*cking worthless and useless....

Like I don't have a purpose and blogging
isn't really a "purpose."
I'm just documenting my life. 
And there's really no point in doing it
because the world will still go on without me....

Sometimes I feel okay, other days I really don't.

I should have left things alone with my son.
He won't get why I did what I did
and it will never matter to him.
Just like I don't anymore and may never matter to him again. 
And he feels like he doesn't matter
because he thinks that what he wanted didn't matter....

The hope I had at the time he had come back into my life....
After the two years he said nothing to me....
That hope was helping me get through,
but it was always like I hit walls with him....
And he'd start ignoring me all over again.
When he started trying again, I had hope again....
And then he and his father would take it away from me.

And I spent so much time in heartbreak over my son.

The times I was starting to feel better
were times I was determined to feel better
without anyone in my life.
Whoever wanted to stay could stay, 
but whoever wanted to go could go.

And  just had to really work hard at just being okay.
No matter what happened to me. Just okay.
And it just gets harder and harder to be okay.

And I start feeling crazy when things are really bad,
and I start feeling crazy when things are decent.
Like they were so bad for so long
that I'm crazy for letting them be decent, again.

Even though it took a lot of work to get to where
things started to become decent. Just on my own....

Maybe I'm too used to feeling sad
that I'm rarely happy anymore.
Or mad... Or just crazy..... Idk.

I should probably try to sleep.
I took a pill a while ago and I'm starting to feel it.