Reckless Rebel

Yes, I bottle things up.
Because trying to talk about things
that other people don't want to talk about
apparently starts a fight.... AmIright?
So I don't get to talk about things
that other people don't want to talk about....
Because they don't want to talk about their stuff. 
Only my stuff. But that's totally fair...

But it's usually when someone is mad at me.
For whatever reason.....
Because they didn't get something from me....
Or I didn't act the way they expected me to or wanted me to.

Someone commented that there's an issue with this blog
on Internet Explorer and that isn't something that I can fix.
Because the blogging platform is run by blogger
and it is owned by google, so it would be up to them to fix it.

But I appreciate that you told me! Thank you!
Just nothing that I can do about it....
Because 1) I don't know what the issue is.
2) It's google's platform so they have to fix it.
But thanks for letting me know!

Been watching a channel I stumbled upon on YouTube.
Don't know how I ended up finding it, 
but basically, it's a dude who bought a ghost town
that was an old mining town back in the day, 
and it was the largest silver producer in California.
He's been making videos every week.
Been up there for at least 10 months by himself.

He's planning on building a hotel up there, 
and he has visitors sometimes to help him build stuff.
He's been doing restoration work up there.
Exploring old mines and stuff.
But living up there, alone. In a very remote place....

Don't know what is more remote than an old mining town....

Even living in the city, alone.... Can get to me sometimes. 
But living with someone else can get to me sometimes, too.

Someone's got to be good with solitude to live in a remote place
by themselves to do what he does.

He's got no running water. Hope he gets some for the hotel somehow.
Don't know how that's going to work.
Or how he does his dishes, laundry, or bathes up there....

Only seen a few of his videos, but it's been helping me.

Yes, I'm supposed to be working on some things, 
not just watching videos to lessen the anxiety....
And talking to people about some things....
That lessens the anxiety, somewhat, 
but it doesn't address the triggers of the anxiety.

A lot of the anxiety comes from not knowing
what's going to happen.
As a result of things I did.
Even though I had good intentions.
"But the road to HELL is paved with good intentions."
And I didn't talk it through with others
before I went ahead and did it.
Or think it through....
Went and just did it....
Like the last time....

So I got what I got. From that. 
But the anxiety is feeling like there might be more to come
and feeling like "I can't fix this."

And it could have been to push me to work on myself. 
Whether others work on themselves..... Or not.
That, I have no control over.

All this unresolved pain.....
I still have to deal with that.
Like I was saying, it turns into a deeper wound.
Like I have to be okay with myself.
And have to heal this. Somehow.

No matter how anyone tries to "justify" whatever they do.
Or try to "reason" why they are right and good.
And why I am wrong and bad....

Have I made mistakes? Yes.
Did I learn a thing or two? Yes.

If I thought I was always right and good, 
I wouldn't learn anything.

I don't need anyone to call me names
and rub sh*t in my face....
To learn what I need to learn. 
I am capable of seeing things when I reflect on things.
Can people suggest things to reflect on? Sure!
But nothing gets resolved by name calling.
It only stokes someone's ego
and makes them feel as superior as they think they are.

And I get it.... I ranted about things that bothered, me too.
I wrote about things from my POV, 
how I felt about those things and why.

And had some things pointed out to me.
That getting angry was about things
that were beyond my control.
And things didn't happen the way I wanted.
Or as fast as I wanted....

And yes, I have gotten myself "crazy"
for wanting things to happen
when I wanted them to happen.
How I wanted them to happen, 
but it doesn't work that way.

And yelling at people who are not listening
doesn't get them to listen or understand.
No matter how frustrated I am.
No matter if I have valid feelings, or valid points etc.

Remaining calm and keeping my cool
havn't been my strongpoints.

It's just that whenever I expressed how I felt....
It was mostly not well received.
So I stopped trying to, at some point.
Because I expected the same kinds of reactions.

Even trying to explain why I felt the way I felt.
Same thing. So I stopped trying to, at some point.
So when people say that I bottle things up, yeah. I do.

But the point C***** made about how getting angry
is because I didn't get something I wanted....
Or because I couldn't control an outcome....
It stuck with me because I can see how that is true.
But at the time, I didn't realize it.

All I want, most of the time, is for people to listen.
But they have free will and can decide not to.
And I can't speak in the way that makes them want to.
When I'm already frustrated to the point
that I'm almost to the point of getting angry.

Because, to me, I have a valid point.
So I know wtf I am talking about
and if they listened, they'd maybe see that, 
but.... They might not get the point that I'm trying to make
and I cannot control whether they do or don't.

Or how they react to me at all. 
I can only control how I react to them. 

And when someone gets angry, 
other people stop listening. 
Because they don't want to or know how to handle someone
who is already angry.

Apparently, at the hospital, they don't listen.
My brother and my family won't listen. 
Lots of people won't listen. 
And if it was my job to make them want to listen, 
then I would have been fired a long f*cking time ago.

Anyway, this book I've been reading is insightful.
Gave me a list of symptoms
and I'm experiencing most of those.

I see where I'm behind on my development, too.
People who have had trauma... They aren't where their peers are at.
And a lot of them don't get the help they need
when they need it. 
And sometimes, if they don't seek help as an adult
and get help, they get stuck in the times
of when they experienced trauma.
I know someone who is over 50 years old
who still acts like a teenager.
Arrested development. 
And I'm approaching 40.... In a few years.
And I still haven't fully matured like some of my peers.

And I just found out that I have BPD....
Which I'm just now hoping to get treatment for.
Had I known that, I might have been able to seek help
for that a long time ago, but I didn't know that.

And not everyone seeks help, or gets help.
Even when they've sought help for years....

And working on some things and through some things
while I still have some time
only gets me a little bit closer.
It doesn't completely rebuild me, completely restore me
or completely reset me.

I had to stop trying to tell some people
when they were doing things
that I don't like because I didn't tell them
and couldn't tell them in ways
that will help them see what it's like for me
when they do those things
and that the things they do, they do
because they want to do those things.

Got into some fights about that.
Where others can't see how they are being
or how they come across and need someone else
to explain that to them
because they turn it around on me
like I don't know wtf I'm talking about
and therefore I'm wrong, 
when they only see things from their POV, not mine.

And it gets very frustrating to talk to them
about those things and why it bothers me.
Because from their POV they do and did nothing wrong.
But from my POV.... I see things that they don't see.
And see things that they don't want to look at 
let alone see.
So I can't talk about those things with them
because they don't want to look at those things
and therefore, refuse to.

I talked about this stuff before.
I've had a lot of things pointed out to me, too. 
But by someone I respect 
and he did it in a way that I wanted to listen to him, 
and he's very skillful in getting his point across.
In a way that doesn't make me feel 
like he's trying to be all superior to me, 
he's just getting a point across. 
So that I could see something from his POV.
And see something that I wasn't seeing.

And THAT is what I wish that I could do.
So that people would listen. To me.
So that they would see things from my POV.
And not act all superior to me.
And that I could just get my point across.

And there wasn't any making any points to him. 
Because he already knows stuff I haven't really touched on, much.
Except with him. The times that we did.
But he and I aren't talking much anymore
and haven't had a conversation in a long time.
But been not saying a lot to him, these days,
because I doubt he'd want to talk to me.
And it's not that I have anything to offer
to him or add to the conversation.
And I'm still pretty much in this sh*tstorm
of my own creation.

I am "unwell" and haven't been talking to many people.
And just.... Ruminating....
And falling apart.
Because I f*cked up
and I can't unf*ck up.

And this is where I got in my life.
37 years old with an adult son
who vows never to speak to me again.

Nothing to show for myself. 
Just a nobody in the middle of nowhere.
With nobody and nothing to speak of.
Just a POS in a sh*tstorm that I created.
So why waste time on me?
Making points about things
that I should have realized a long time ago.
But didn't, because there's so many things
that people just wouldn't tell me
or talk to me about.

Maybe assuming I already knew, 
or they just didn't want to talk about it.
Idk why. But a lot of the things we talked about
were new to me and were helpful. 
But it's not his job to teach me things
and show me things, and point things out to me.
He actually has a life.
I'm the one who doesn't have much of a life. 
Who isn't much of a person.
Who just keeps f*cking up, 
who f*cked up to the point
that to f*ck things up even more than they are now
would be some special talent or something....

So I lost what little I had and then some.
Because of f*cking up and that's on me.
Yeah, I'm sad about it
but there's also nothing I can do about it. 
And I still have to live with it.

And having a really rough go of it.
Sad, mad at myself, guilty etc.
Loads of mixed feelings....
That come and go and when they come, 
I'm drowning in it.
To the point that I don't want to live anymore, 
but at the same time....
If I have any hope of coming back from this....
I'm just being delusional and lying to myself.
Because there might and may not be any.
And I have to live with it, anyway.
Alone like I somehow knew I'd end up.
Didn't want to be,
but can't put my happiness on anything or anyone.
Because to do that, I'd just set myself up for disappointment.
Because I might and may never be forgiven.
I have to try to forgive myself, 
but even that is really f*cking hard to do.
Like I can't even tell anyone how hard it is.
For me to forgive myself
to try to make living with this
a little bit easier. Just a little bit.
It won't change it or undo it.
It just might make it a tiny bit easier to live with.
To the point that maybe the thoughts of suicide
won't be as often or as much....

I probably won't do it.
A part of me has a tiny bit of hope.
And has hope to be happy one day
despite all of what has happened to me.
Despite all kinds of things. 
Thing I did, things others did, 
things I didn't do when I had the chance, 
things I wish I could remember, 
things I wish I could forget.
Things I wish I could do.
Things I have to stop doing. 
Things that I can control, things that I can't. 
Things that I have to realize, yet. 
Things that I have to accept, yet.
Things that I have to figure out, yet. Etc.