Where I Started

Been thinking that I need to downsize a lot. 
My friend said to only pack what I need. 
Most of this stuff, I don't need. 
Been holding onto stuff for so long. 
My friend said that most of this stuff, 
I can just leave here
and others can deal with it. 
That I can only pack up a few boxes
and leave the rest here. 

That moving would probably be what's best for me. 
That trying to start my life again
might be what's best for me. 
Being in the hospital was probably good for me. 
I slept like sh*t last night. 
I got jolted awake again, a few times. 
At least I was sleeping decent there
and it was a safe place for me to be. 

Feels like I'm back to this and back to old habits
and the nightmares resume. 
Essentially back where I started. 

But I probably need counselling. 
No doubt about that. 

Not eating right and sleeping right
can f*ck with a person's head, too. 
Make no mistake about that. 

When I was sleeping I got the thought: 
"I'm sad and it's 6:30."
I actually checked the time and it was
actually 6:30....
From the state of sleep...
And I had a nightmare
that someone broke into my apartment
and was trying to kill me with a drill. 
Somehow I was able to push them out, 
lock the door, and was having problems
calling 9-1-1.

I stayed up most of the night writing. 
It's a compulsive need. 

Trying to figure something out. 
The hospital was good for some things. 
But the help I need that is ongoing, the support....
That's outside the hospital. 
The hospital is a safe place, 
but they are high on the medication and sedation. 
People who are having a hard time thinking straight
and taking care of themselves
don't need to be dumped and continuously sedated. 

There are very minimal supports there. 
Although there are some. 
But sedation isn't helping. 

Depression is sedation enough
without actually being medically sedated. 

But having high anxiety doesn't help. 
Like either completely full blast overthinking
and anxiety.... Burning myself out, 
or feeling completely burnt out. 
Psychologically and emotionally exhausted
and I know I'm doing it to myself
because I keep thinking about this
on REPEAT constantly. 

And people keep saying:
"Distract yourself."
And I feel like 'distracting' myself
is not facing the issues that I'm having. 

Like: "Just pretend that your life's
NOT falling apart at the seams...."

But at the same time....
I try to tell myself that it's okay
to take a break from the intensity. 

And I was thinking today...
That I can't blame all my problems on my mental health issues. 
Because I can get treatment for that. 
I can get help for myself
and help myself. 
And try as I might to GET help....
I have to support myself as much as I can. 

Even through the overwhelm.....

And maybe there's some things
that actually have to do with spirituality
but I KNOW for a fact
that people with mental illness
can take spirituality too far. 
To the point of psychosis. 

And someone who is big on spirituality....
Was telling me that it's not to do with his EGO
trying to get me to believe what he believes....
Which is why I shouldn't have told him
that I was in the hospital
because apparently he has all the answers....

Yes, I do believe in soul work. 
And the inner peace stuff. 
Which obviously I wasn't practicing
while I was at the hospital. 
Because I let my blood boil. 
Instead of surrendering to the fact
that I cannot control how people
REACT to how I try to explain what I need. 

And I don't think it is the fact that I can't control it
that gets my blood boiling. 
I can't speak in a way that MAKES people listen. 
My verbal skills are very weak. 
My writing skills.... Are much better. 
I can articulate myself better in writing. 
I guess it comes down to not having the communication skills
and people making assumptions about me based on that. 
Which makes it even harder to try to articulate myself
and harder for me when they aren't listening 
to UNDERSTAND. Only to 'respond.'

And I have to try to see it from their side, too. 
Because I do have mental health issues. 
Not that I'm completely CRAZY.
I'm pretty imbalanced and unstable in some areas. 
To begin with. 
Like frustration can turn to anger pretty quickly. 

And I have a hard time managing my emotions, 
and then trying to articulate myself
while I'm emotionally overwhelmed. 

Maybe that's a BPD thing, IDK.
And yeah, I can f*ck up pretty easily. 

Because I'm emotionally all over the place. 
Which isn't 'healthy.'
"Healthy" looks grounded, sane, rational....
And this is why I can't do relationships, apparently. 
At least in a healthy sense. 

And maybe that is why I was quick to accept
things I shouldn't have accepted for so long. 

And I'm pretty sure my mother has BPD, too. 
And alcohol probably isn't good for people with BPD.

Anyway, I likely passed it down to my son. 
Among other things. 

A friend told me that my mother
shouldn't have had kids. 
Maybe not realizing that she was telling that
to one of her kids. 
Like I shouldn't be alive or exist. 
And there are times I feel like that
without being told things like that.

Although I'm not a perfect person.... 
There is some good in me. 
I can feel love and loving towards people, 
but it also scares me. 

Because people can abandon me. 
And often do. 
Because I AM NOT A PICNIC. 
I AM DIFFICULT TO HANDLE.
I AM 'CRAZY'
I am not grounded, or always rational....
I panic for no reason sometimes. 

And maybe I fried my brain
with trying to self medicate
which was pointless and not helpful. 

Because I can't "run" from my "problems."
I have to face things and get through things, 
and learn to make better decisions for myself. 
Instead of acting impulsively
with the fight or flight mentality. 
Even though it is a go to reaction. 
Obviously I f*ck myself with that. 

Because I can't just 'fight' people
who are supposed to be helping me
even though they aren't being helpful. 
I could do the flight thing
but if they are supposed to be helping me, 
then I won't get the help I need... 
But if they are being unhelpful.... 
Then how am I supposed to get the help I need?
Is that counterproductive?

Anyway, been sad lately....
Don't know how to overcome this. 
It's a huge challenge for me. 
Probably one of the biggest challenges
that I've ever faced....

Grieving people who are still alive....
Had thoughts about what it might be like to start over
and I am starting to become okay with the idea. 
A bit of anixety about leaving everything and everyone behind. 
About going my own way.... 

I have anxiety about it. 
But I gotta do what I gotta do. 
If that's what I gotta do.....
It might be. 
This city is all I know.