Safe Place

Everything's been really hard to take
and these feelings of wanting to just end it keep getting to me. 
Someone convinced me to go to the hospital to get help. 
And I really wanted to get help, still do. 

So I went to the hospital, told them everything. 
They had me on suicide watch. 
And in observation for 72 hours, 
and in isolation for a couple of days. 
Because I did a covid test. 
They wanted to make sure I didn't have it. 
And they kept me isolated in a room by myself
which isn't conducive to mental health. 

Anyway, they put me in the mental health ward. 
And for the most part, I was okay with being in there. 
After the form ran out.... FORM 1....
(Which means they can hold you for 3 days against your will....)
My form ran out so I was there voluntarily because I know I need help. 
The doctor, the psychiatrist can only give me meds. 
The social worker gave me some resources... 
Which she told me to naviagate myself. 
And if I was "well" enough to do that, 
I probably wouldn't need help. 

And it was stuff I had already been trying. 
Yes, I need counselling. I realize that. 
There aren't any counsellors or anything at the hospital. 
The type of therapy I need for my diagnosis....
I need a referral for that. 
The doctor and the social worker were telling me
that I don't need a referral
and I knew I did, they told me to call the numbers
on the sheets they gave me. 
I did that, someone called me back
and told me that I needed to become a client
and the only way to become a client was to get a referral. 

And now I have to try to go through my doctor to get that
since the doctors at the hospital were not listening to me. 
And they were the only ones who could refer me. 
But they wanted to argue with me about what I needed from them. 
Because they know 'everything'
because they have a medical degree. 

And what is worse was that there were parts of it I did need. 
I needed to be around other people. 
To not worry about some other things. 

There's a sweet old lady in there
who I looked at like a Grandmother. 
Who never had any Grandchildren... 
My roommate was cool. 
The night nurse was awesome. 
Got 3 meals a day, a safe place to be....
A change in environment, that I really needed. 

I let my anger get the best of me
because I was struggling to get some things set up
for when I got out... 
Which was what I was trying to do. 

And yes, I stand in my own way. 
There are things that I really needed from there.... 
I got upset because I am still really struggling with this. 
REALLY struggling. 
And I still need help, but the hospital was only doing so much. 
I probably wasn't ready to leave there, 
but I do need counselling and therapy
on top of what I was getting there. 

And what I really need is to either start all over, 
which is really hard to do. 
Or I need to just end it
which seems easy enough, but it's also 
a hard choice to make
because I just wish everything had gone differently. 
Like 99% of my life. 
I didn't even know I have BPD..... 

Getting help at the hospital seems straight forward enough. 
A safe place, some aspects I needed. 
Whether I liked it or not. 

And yes, some of my problems don't seem as bad
as other people's problems. 

And other people's problems don't seem as bad as mine. 

Like all the heartbreak and sh*t
from trying to have a romantic relationship...
That seems like nothing to me now. 
Yes, it was stressful. 
And now I know I have BPD. 
So I know why I've been the way I have been. 
A lot of the impulsivity sh*t, 
irrational or seemingly irrational sh*t. 
A lot of the irritability sh*t.... 

Yes, I made impulsive moves. 
Like leaving the hospital too soon. 
Before I had a solid plan in place.... 
But I also needed help with a solid plan. 
A lot of this has been very overwhelming. 

Some of it may seem like overreacting. 
And just me freaking out for 'no reason.'
Like "We gave her the resources...."
All these numbers to call.
When it wasn't what I needed. 
The crisis line wasn't what I needed. 
Because I need to get my head cleared. 
So that I can make some very important decisions. 
Like life altering decisions. 
Going to the hospital was a decision I made
because the overwhelm is so much
that I can barely function. 

Like the opposite of sedation.
The night nurse was telling me that I'm literally burning energy. 
Which I am. My brain is melting over this. 
A lot of serious and toxic sh*t. 

He was trying to tell me to just try to have
a working relationship with the doctor
to try to get what I need from her. 
And I should have just played her "Nurse Ratchet" game. 
And held in there longer
but it would have been the same conversations
over and over and over again. 

Because what I need is counselling and therapy
on top of what I was getting that I needed.... 

But they knew what I needed.... From them. 
I needed a plan for when I got out. 
And I needed to get therapy and counselling. Still do. 

I have a friend who has been supporting me through all of this. 
Through everything, he's been there. 
He's the only one I told that I was in the hospital. 
While I was in there. The only one I trust with everything. 
I called him. I call him. I trust him. 

And there was someone I shouldn't have told. 
Because he thinks everything is spiritual in nature. 
I need to think in terms of practicality. 
Not everything is spiritual in nature. 

I'm going through a lot emotionally. 
A lot psychologically. 
Those things aren't spiritual. 

And I shouldn't have told him. 
He doesn't get what I am going through. 
Sure, he helped on one level, for a while. 
BUT there is a lot to take into consideration here. 

And one friend told me:
"Don't give up on him."
Meaning the person I've been having these issues with. 
He said: "You're going to give up and wish you hadn't."
And in some ways, he is right. 
But there's a lot in the mix here. 
"You always jump to the worst case scenario."
Sometimes I do. 
Sometimes I had fears and anxiety
over sh*t that never actually happened. 

There was a guy in the ward...
He was writing about satan and drawing pentagrams, 
looking posessed AF. 
Getting this girl to chant something
that I thought was evil. It was a mantra
that turns out wasn't satanic. 
Because I looked it up. Was false alarm. 
It had me freaked out and had her freaked out. 
Had I been able to look it up before I freaked her out, 
then I would have known it was harmless. 
No need to freak her out. 
Over something harmless. 

I jump to conclusions sometimes. 
Like looking posessed AF + pentagrams
and writing about satan etc
in my mind made me think the mantra was evil. 

And jumping to conclusions like
because the doctor wasn't helping me
didn't mean I didn't need to be there, 
because I likely did need to be there. 
And I needed to focus on other things while I was there. 
And maybe others needed me there. 
Like J***. Who needed someone to connect with her like we did. 
She was the Grandmotherly lady I needed. 
I was like the Grandchild she needed. 

I feel selfish because I feel like she needed a connection
while she was in there. I needed that, too. 
I didn't even say goodbye. 
I was so angry I rushed out of there....

There's a bigger picture to things. 
More than what I knew, 
but I started getting frustrated
to the point of rage. 
Because they  WERE NOT LISTENING TO ME.

They told me I need THERAPY for BPD.... 
THEN THEY made excuses for WHY THEY WOULDN'T
GIVE ME A REFERRAL FOR THE THERAPY
THAT THEY TOLD ME THAT I NEED....

And I tried to explain Why TF I was frustrated. 
And then I got ANGRY. Because no matter HOW
I tried to explain that I needed referrals.... 
For the help I need......
THAT THEY TOLD ME THAT I NEED.... 

AND WHY I DON'T WANT TO "TRY" 
A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT MEDICATIONS.....
BECAUSE OF THE SH*T I'VE ALREADY GONE THROUGH.... 

IT WAS LIKE THE DOCTOR I HAD
WHO ASKED ME IF I ENJOYED BEING DEPRESSED!!!!
JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO "TRY"
A BUNCH OF MEDICATIONS 
BECAUSE OF THE SH*T I'VE ALREADY GONE THROUGH!!!!!

JUST F*CKING LISTEN TO ME!!!!

Why is it EASY for S**** the night nurse to listen to me?!
And these female 'doctors' and 'nurses'
AND F*CKTARDS who think that just because
THEY HAVE AUTHORITY
THAT THEY F*CKING KNOW EVERYTHING?!!!!

NONE OF THEM KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH. 

LIKE THAT JACK@SS AT THE BUS TERMINAL.... 
"I'D NEVER BE IN YOUR SHOES."
And he couldn't for ONE F*CKING MINUTE
Put himself in MY SHOES.
After being in a f*cking bus accident....
After almost dying.... 
Just wanting to make arrangements to get our luggage sent back. 
TO DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE....
THAT HE HAD THE POWER TO HELP ME WITH. 

And all these doctors and 'social workers' who HAD THE POWER
TO ACTUALLY HELP ME.... 
THEY DIDN'T 
BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T. 

DID THE DOCTOR WHO ASKED ME
IF I ENJOYED BEING DEPRESSED.... 
DID SHE EVER CONSIDER I MIGHT HAVE BPD? NO!
DID ANY OF THE DOCTORS CONSIDER I HAVE IT?
DID THE ONE F*CKING DOCTOR WHO "DIAGNOSED" ME
WITH IT CONSIDER THAT MAYBE 
JUST F*CKING MAYBE
THAT ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS F*CKING LISTEN TO ME?

THAT WHEN IT SAID ON THE F*CKING SHEET SHE GAVE ME
THAT I NEEDED A REFERRAL TO THE THERAPY
THAT WAS THE ONLY OPTION FOR ME....
ON THAT SHEET THAT SHE GAVE ME.

And I had someone try to tell me
that I didn't meet the CRITERIA to be referred to that!!!!
ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?! SERIOUSLY?

Like they JUST told me
that the therapy for BPD is DBT. 
AND GAVE ME A SHEET THAT SAID
THAT I COULD GET THE THERAPY
THROUGH 
THE CANADIAN MENTAL HEALTH ASSOCIATION...
CMHA. BEING ADMITTED TO THE MENTAL HEALTH WARD
IS PROBABLY CRITERIA ENOUGH TO MEET
WARRANTING A REFERRAL TO CMHA.

And now I can't get the referral
that they weren't going to give me anyway
And have to go through someone else.
To literally accomplish the SAME THING!!!

And I let my anger get the best of me. AGAIN. 
My friend said that I can go to another hospital. 
If things get overwhelming for me, again. 
But I wonder if I will face the SAME ISSUES
WTH OTHER DOCTORS.... 
Because I do get frustrated quickly. 
When things don't make ANY F*CKING SENSE. 
WHEN PEOPLE DON'T LISTEN TO ME
AND TREAT ME LIKE SH*T.... 

AND no, yelling at IDIOTS gets me NOWHERE. 
I know this. Apparently I did it anyway. 

So although I still needed to be at the hospital.... 
I could not get the help I needed
which was to navigate this F*CKED UP SYSTEM
THAT THEY CALL HEALTH CARE. 

LIKE THEY WERE F*CKING WITH ME
ON PURPOSE. 

AND NO, YELLING DOES NOT F*CKING HELP... 
AND IT DOES NOT GET THEM TO LISTEN.

TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO THEM.... 
THAT ALL I NEEDED WAS A F*cking REFERRAL
APPARENTLY DID NOT GET THROUGH TO THEM.... 

I needed to have things set up, in place.... 
Like what did they expect me to do?
Stay there in the hospital for however long it took
for them to UNDERSTAND what I was trying to tell them?

A YEAR? LONGER?
WHEN ALL THE COUNSELLING AND THERAPY
THAT I NEED IS ON THE OUTSIDE?
Wouldn't it be helpful
if it was all in the same place?
And people actually listened?!

I couldn't just switch doctors at the hospital
because apparently that isn't allowed. 
What they give you is what you get. 
And maybe I should be thankful
that we have hospitals
even though our 'health care system'
is DEPLORABLE.

And they have covid to consider.... 
Not cases of BPD or extreme anxiety
or mental health whatever TF.... I get that. 

But some people actually have real sh*t
that they need help with. 
Real causes of MENTAL HEALTH DETERIORATION
And they don't need the added stress

of being told to 'just calm down'
When they get your blood boiling in the first place. 

YOU DON'T MEET THE CRITERIA?!

Most people don't get the help they need. 
A lot of people suffer in silence
and would rather DIE
than be put through that BULLSH*T.
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.
AND I PUT MYSELF THROUGH THAT SH*T
BECAUSE I NEED HELP
TO TRY TO DEAL WITH A LOT OF HEAVY SH*T
THAT MOST PEOPLE
WOULD LOSE THEIR F*CKING MINDS OVER. 

But they want to test my BLOOD
and give me acne medication
And ask me when the last time
I had a f*cking PAP smear.... FFS!!!!!
which has NOTHING to do with WHY
I went to the hospital in the first place!!!!!

And that is enough to drive a person f*cking CRAZY!!!!!

THEN tell them they have a condition
that they need therapy for.... 
BUT they don't meet the criteria to get it?

WHAT DOES ANY OF THAT HAVE TO DO
WITH WHY I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL 
IN THE FUCKING FIRST PLACE?!

AND SHE BROUGHT UP SOMETHING
FROM WHEN I WAS TRYING TO GET HELP
LIKE F*CKING 9 YEARS AGO
WHEN I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET HELP FOR SO LONG
WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING I HAVE BPD.... 
SOME INSTANCE THAT I COULDN'T EVEN RECALL.... 
THAT STILL HAD NOTHING TO DO
WITH WHY I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL THIS TIME.... 

BECAUSE 9 F*CKING YEARS AGO....
I WASN'T GOING THROUGH
ALL THE SH*T I'M GOING THROUGH NOW

AND IT IS IRRELEVANT
AND UNFAIR TO BRING UP SOMETHING
FROM ALMOST A F*CKING DECADE AGO. 

But let's address the acne and pap smear, 
and blood work.... Let's address THAT.
IF that is all I needed, 
I could have just gone to a f*cking CLINIC.

BUT LET'S JUST MAKE IT ABOUT THAT.... 
LIKE WE'RE ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING TO HELP HER..... 

I DON'T GAF ABOUT ANY OF THAT SH*T.
NONE OF THAT HAS TO DO WITH WHY I WAS THERE.... 

WAS I HAVING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
BECAUSE I NEEDED BLOOD WORK?
BECAUSE I HAVEN'T HAD A PAP SMEAR IN 3 YEARS?
BECAUSE I HAVE ACNE?
F*CK NO!

BUT ACCORDING TO THEM,
BECAUSE I DIDN'T DO SOMETHNG 9 YEARS AGO
THEY WON'T LISTEN TO WHAT I NEED TODAY!!!!

DOES THAT MAKE ANY F*CKING SENSE?!
Do you remember what color underwear you wore 9 years ago?
No? Then how am I supposed to recall
something that I was supposedly offered?
And what does it have to do with what I am currently dealing with?

LET'S HAVE FUN WITH THIS.... 
LET'S PISS HER OFF SO MUCH THAT SHE LEAVES!!!!

There was a reason that they sat across the table from me. 
They knew they were there to play games. 
They knew I was trying to actually get help. 
They knew I was there voluntarily
and I could just leave. 
After they f*cked with me some more.... 

They had my whole chart there. 
Apparently they read it all... 
If they brought up something from 9 f*cking years ago.... 
Like really?! Why do that?

"you know what will really piss her off?
Telling her she needs therapy
and NOT referring her to it...."

She wants a PLAN for when she gets OUT.... 
Or sedating her and then giving her sh*t
for not participating in her 'treatment'
That'll piss her off.... 
Because that would probably piss ME off.... 
HOW can we GET her?
For not doing that thing 9 f*cking years ago?!
When that's not what she NEEDS TODAY?!

And all the f*cking RAGE everyone feels in there
for being treated like THAT.... 
When they need therapy. 
When they need counselling.... 
When they need something other than that SH*T.
WHEN THEY NEED TO BE TOLD WHERE TO GET THE HELP
WHEN APPARENTLY IT'S NOT AT THE HOSPITAL
BUT THE MENTAL HEALTH WARD
STILL NEEDS GOVERNMENT FUNDING
SO THAT DOCTORS LIKE NURSE F*CKING RATCHET
CAN KEEP PLAYING THESE F*CKING GAMES.... 

Tell me.... What happened to her? 
Watch the movie.
I'd link the clip, but it would ruin it. 
And you'll see what I had to deal with. 

On top of trying to deal with all this sh*t.... 

Like I said, if isolation was the least of it.... 
If covid was the least of it... 
If that guy and what he put me through
was the least of it.... 
I'd be cool with ALL OF THAT.... 

EVEN IF THIS BULLSH*T
AT THE HOSPITAL WHEN I TRIED TO GET HELP
WAS THE LEAST OF IT....
I'D TAKE THAT IF IT MEANT
NOT HAVING TO GO THROUGH
WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH.....

BUT I COULDN'T TAKE IT.
I HAD TO LEAVE BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T LISTEN.
BECAUSE I COULDN'T CALM DOWN
AND JUST PLAY THEIR LITTLE GAMES
AND LET THEM HAVE CONTROL
BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT THEY NEEDED,
APPARENTLY....
AND NO, I DON'T GET TO HAVE CONTROL. 
THAT ISN'T WHAT THIS WAS ABOUT.
BUT I GUESS HAVING MY WAY
WAS ABOUT ACTUALLY GETTING HELP.
AND NOT HAVING THESE GAMES PLAYED
AND BULLSHIT
ABOUT ACNE AND PAPS PLAYED ON ME.

NONE OF THAT ACTUALLY MADE ANY SENSE.
And bringing up something from 9 years ago?!
WTF was that even about?! Seriously?
You really want to do that?!

THAT is why they were sitting across the table from me. 
THAT is why they didn't give me the referral
because they knew THAT is what I needed. 
THAT is why they weren't listening to me.

Because even though I'm going through A LOT....
I wasn't playing their f*cking GAMES.
JUST GO TO GROUPS.
JUST PAINT A PICTURE.
JUST PACE THE HALLS.
JUST PLAY CARDS....

JUST TAKE MEDS FOR YOUR ACNE
JUST TELL ME WHEN YOU HAD YOUR LAST PAP.
JUST BE A GOOD LITTLE GIRL.... 

Does anything have anything to do with anything anymore?
why should I bother?
Shouldn't I just make an escape?
Just go somewhere and start again?
As someone else?

Or should I just bite the bullet?
And just say F*CK THIS AND EVERYTHING....
ALL THE ACNE SH*T, 
ALL THE FAILED RELATIONSHIPS, 
ALL THE TRYING FOR NOTHING, 
ALL THE GAMES.... 
ALL THE BULLSH*T
FROM NEARLY EVERYONE IN MY LIFE.... 

And I feel bad for that lady in there....
Who I actually connected with... 
Who is great. Who I miss. 
Who I will still think about... 
Who I might not get to visit now
Because I left so unceremoniously..... 

But I might get to call her. 
I can at least do that for her. 

It really disgusts me how people are treating her.
How other people are being treated, too. 
That's why they are angry.
Because they have sh*t they are dealing with
and they have to deal with being treated like that!

I feel so f*cking bad for her. 
When she has maybe 2 years left of her life. 
She wants to enjoy her last years. 
And not be treated like that.... 

Like a burden. Like a job.... 

And yeah, I sat with her to talk to her. 
And her nurse f*cked off for a bit
and you know what he said?
"Thanks for sitting with her, 
gives me a bit of a break...."
When it's his JOB that he's getting PAID for
to sit with the lady and just talk to her
and treat her like a HUMAN BEING!
AND THAT'S ALL SHE WANTS!

SHE WAS TREATING ME
LIKE THE GRANDCHILD SHE NEVER HAD!!!!!
ALL I DID WAS SIT WITH HER
AND LISTENED TO HER
TALKED WITH HER....
ASKED HER ABOUT HERSELF, HER LIFE.... 
AND THE GUY TREATED THAT LIKE IT WAS A CHORE!
WHERE IS THE CARE THERE?
AND THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE HEALTH CARE?
WHEN THEY OBVIOUSLY
DON'T GIVE A SH*T?

SHE'S 84 YEARS OLD!
SHE COULD DIE IN HER SLEEP
IN A WARD WITH A NURSE
WHO COULD USE A BIT OF A 'BREAK'
FROM HAVING TO DEAL WITH HER.... 
WHEN IT'S HIS F*CKING JOB FFS.

THIS IS HOW F*CKING BACKWARDS THIS SH*T IS.
And she needed someone to just talk with her, 
to listen to her, very much like what I needed. 
But on another scale. 
And maybe I was supposed to be of service to others
while I was there
instead of focusing on how deplorable
the f*cking system is. 
On how I felt about that. 
Maybe it was something to do with how they felt
not about how I felt about that sh*t. 
And about other sh*t.... 

Like I was there for karma purposes. 
And I f*cked that all up, too. 
Because I couldn't see
that for the Universe to help ME out, 
I was supposed to be helping THEM.
Giving that lady a connection she didn't have
because everyone was so wrapped up 
in their own sh*t to sit with her, 
talk with her, and LISTEN TO HER. 

ALL ANYONE ACTUALLY WANTS
IS TO BE HEARD. FFS.

SO YEAH, I RAMBLE ON HERE. 
I MOAN ABOUT THE HEALTH CARE SYSTEM
WHEN AT LEAST WE DON'T HAVE TO PAY
FOR THIS F*CKING BULLSH*T. 
BUT SOMEONE DOES. 
IT COMES FROM TAXES PEOPLE PAY
AND THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE PAYING FOR.... 

FOR ACNE SH*T AND PAPS AND F*CKING BULLSH*T
FROM 9 YEARS AGO
AND TESTING THE PATIENCE OF THE PATIENTS....

AND WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY:
"THIS IS NOT WHAT I F*CKING CAME HERE FOR."

IMAGINE BEING 84 YEARS OLD AND DUMPED
IN A MENTAL HEALTH WARD
WHERE PEOPLE TREAT YOU LIKE YOU'RE SUBHUMAN
JUST BECAUSE YOU FELL AND HIT YOUR HEAD?
CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?!

AND THE MINUTE YOU TRY TO SPEAK UP
ABOUT ANY OF THIS
YOU ARE 'JUST CRAZY.'

DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS?

I was supposed to do my best. 
The Universe was putting me to the test. 
Giving me some things I needed. 
But not in the ways I needed
and I was supposed to be there for HER. 
To listen to her. To CARE. 
About others. Other than myself. 
So that maybe others might care about me. 
And I wasn't there to feel sorry for myself. 
I was there to try to get help. 
And I was supposed to be there TO help. 

And the Universe is saying to me:
"NOW do you get it?"
SHE needed you. That's why you were there. 
NOT because of this.... 
Maybe not JUST her. 
Maybe others, too. 

Others who were going through bullsh*t
and unfairness and being treated like that. 

Even though there are people
who are actually f*cking certifiably
BAT SH*T F*CKING CRAZY.

Like the old lady thought she heard birds.... 
And thought she saw things. 
But she's still a person
and apart from that, she's very LUCID. 
She knows how she's being treated by STAFF
B*TES @SS.
All because she fell and hit her head
and she had a stroke. 

And the doctors gave her like 2 years to live. 
And she might not even have that. 
She might just give up.... 
And we had made a connection.
And it's like I couldn't just stay there for her.... 
And I should have. For her. 
To help her feel like someone's listening to her. 
Because I was, I did. 
To help her feel like someone cares about her. 
Because I do. 
"Then why didn't you stay, A***?"
Because I needed someone to listen and care, too. 
Apart from S**** the night nurse. 
He was the only one who listened to me in there. 
But he wasn't there just for me. 
Every nurse has like 5 patients. 
He has his jobs to do. 

He took time out to listen to me. 
All the nurses should take notes from him. 
That place would be a different place
if that were the case. 

And he tried to tell me
to try to have a working relationship
with that b*tch of a doctor
to try to get what I needed from her
when she's such a miserable c*nt
that she probably doesn't actually help anyone. 

And I could have been discharged after 72 hours. 
With just those 'resources'
and a bitter taste in my mouth. 

And I can't do anything about the reason why I was there. 
But I have to try to get help for myself. 
But taking a cocktail of medication
isn't going to help me. 

At least I was getting a full night of sleep
without getting jolted awake. 
I was eating more steadily. 
I was in a safe place. 
Nobody knew where I was. Except one person....