Up Late

Keep thinking.
Keeps me up at night.

I have a location in mind, now. 
Just don't know how I'm going to get there. 
One can dream, though. 
Looks like a piece of Heaven
and nobody would find me there. 
Nobody would know I was there
and nobody would look for me there. 
Looks like a magical place to start over. 
And maybe it is. 

Someone was telling me about WRAP.
Wellness Recovery Action Plan. 

I'm hoping to get a referral for therapy. 
And hoping that it goes through. 
And maybe I can get started on that soon. 

I keep thinking about what it might look like to start over. 
What it might feel like. 
Maybe like grieving, at first. 
Giving up my old life, my old self. 
Starting a new life, becoming a new person... 

Kind of like when I quit drinking. 
There was a grieving process with that.
I wrote about that a few times. 

I know that restarting my life
would be like that. It would feel like that, at first. 
And then I'll probably be glad that I did it. 
Like I'm glad that I quit drinking. 

It p*sses me off that the doctors
and nurses in the mental health unit
were basically gaslighting patients. 
Save for S****. He is cool. 
The hospital and the world need more S****s.
And more C*****s.
I miss talking to them. 
I appreciated them listening to me. 
With C*****, I got worried
about what he thought about me. 
That what I am going through
would change the way he saw me, 
but he saw me the way he chose to look at me. 
And that was never up to me. 
So no sense worrying about things
that aren't up to me. 

I still want to call that nurse of J***'s.
Tell him to treat her like he would his Grandmother. 
Talk to her, listen to her. 
Help her feel heard. 

She's not some crazy old woman.
To imagine being 84 years old himself
and fell and smacked his head....
To end up in there....
Her daughter seemed to have dumped her in there. 
Instead of getting her support to stay at home. 
She doesn't belong in there.... 
She wants to be at home. She told me. 
Why wouldn't she? Why wouldn't any of them?

It sucks to be treated as a patient of a mental ward
and not as a person who is suffering. 
Who needs help and RESPECT.
F*cking narcissist's dream. 
And doctors who are narcissists....
Who think they know what the medication does to people
when they have never taken it.... 
"She went to school for that...."
The so called social worker
sticking up for the doctor. 
BOOKS can't tell you how it affects a person. 
Put THEM on zoloft and see what it does....
I f*cking DARE THEM TO "TRY" IT. 
AND SEE WHAT IT DOES.....
IF IT'S SO F*CKING HARMLESS...
WHAT'S THE HARM IN "TRYING" IT?

She was trying to put me on the SAME 
medication that the doctor who retired
was trying to put me on....
THAT THEY GIVE TO GERIATRIC PATIENTS....
ALL IT DOES IS SEDATE....
NO F*CKING THANK YOU.
DO I F*CKING LOOK GERIATRIC?
GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!

WHEN I SAY I DON'T WANT TO BE TAKING MEDS,
I MEAN THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE TAKING MEDS.

For what? Side effects?
To feel like a ZOMBIE?
How is that supposed to help me?

Anyway, I am thinking of a place. 
Asked someone where they'd go.
They told me. 
Been thinking about that place....
Saw a business for sale. 
If I had the money, I'd buy it.
An ice cream & sweets shop.

The asking price is low
considering they are selling the property 
and all the assets...

I looked up how far away it is....
Like 11 hours away from here. 
Probably far enough away to make a clean break....

The thought of starting over again seems nice,
but the grieving and the anxiety....

I want to look forward to the future.
So much uncertainty...

I know that it's not all going to be a bed of roses. 
Someone told me:
"Prepare prepare prepare."

If I go there, I need help when I get there. 
I need to have something in place for when I get there. 
I want to say that there won't be any looking back. 
I don't know if I will come back... 
Or if I'll get the chance to leave.... 

It's a nice thought but I don't know if it would work
and I have to be ready to do it.
And have things put into place for me if I do it.