4,444th

This is my 4,444th post....

Anyway, a friend called me tonight....
And he was out getting groceries with his friend. 
And he asked me if he could get me some food. 
So he picked me up like 6 bags of groceries. 
Dropped them off to me and said:
"Happy birthday" in advance. 
I'm going to stay at his place on my birthday.
I don't want to be alone on my birthday. 
He's been very kind to me. 
Over the years. I trust him. 

He bought me thick bread, eggs, and milk. 
Blueberries.... I'm going to have French Toast
for breakfast on my birthday. 
Haven't had any for a long time. 

You know you're loved
when someone wants to take care of you like that. 

I'm still missing my son. 
He could pick up the phone and call me. 
But he won't. He's done with me. 
Still hard. He's my son. I love him. 
I wish this wasn't the case between us. 
I wish things were different between us. 

I'm beyond sad.... Really sad.....
I miss how things used to be..... 
When things were good. 

And I keep blaming myself for all the things I did. 
And I feel like I'm the reason things are the way they are. 

But I can't be completely to blame. 
People still make their own choices. 
I've been really hurt in the past, too. 
But I don't want to hurt anyone. 
The times I did, were mistakes.
And it wasn't meant to be intentional.
I did things without thinking about them. 
But that isn't excusing myself. 
I have some moments that I'm not proud of. 
Moments that still haunt me. 
And I don't know why tf I did those things. 
Other than I was being stupid and selfish.
I can't think of any other reasons why. 
I wouldn't do those things again. 
I can't undo the past. Unfortunately. 

Often I can't even make ammends 
for things I did in the past. 

Anyway, I can only go forth from where I am.
If I could go back and do things differently, I would.

I need to figure out how to be at peace at myself.
Most of the time, I just want to die. 
Either die or just disappear....

Pretty sure I'm not the only one
who feels like that....

So much baggage.... 
Mental and emotional issues. 
Psychological issues.
Family issues.... 
Just all kinds of issues....

Definitely not in any shape to be with someone
or to have something with someone...
It would be nice. The thought of it is nice. 
It's just.... Not in the cards....

What am I supposed to do?
Let them in? Tell them everything?
Just hope for the best?
And then what?
Watch it fall apart like everything else?
Then feel that, go through that, too?

I don't want to get hurt....
I don't want to hurt anyone else, either.
I learned a big lesson in love:
"Be careful what you wish for."
That pretty much sums up my life.

I don't want to play games.
I don't want to be with anyone who wants to.
Getting too old for that.
I'm not a teenager anymore.
I'm tired.

So tired that I'd rather just work on
being okay with being on my own.

Because I don't want to be seen as someone
who 'has to' constantly talk to someone
to feel 'secure.'
Or keep wondering wtf they think of me
because they don't tell me
or even have to ask them....
Or have to feel a type of way about asking. 
Yeah, there's some peace in knowing....

But there are some things I wish I didn't know.

Because there are things I'm really struggling with.
On MANY levels... 

I can be emotionally available, 
but I get to some point where I close down. 
And I can't even go there anymore.
Especially when I feel like I'm being taken for granted....
Especially when I feel like they treat the other girls
way better than they treat me.
When they treat me like they don't GAF.
Because when they treat me like that
it means that they don't. 

And all the times I stood up for myself....
I acted like I don't GAF.
At the time, I f*cking didn't. 
Even though I still had love in my heart. 
That I may as well save for someone else....

But as things are, I can't be with anyone. 

And I don't want to hold anyone down or hold them back.
Just hold them to their word
when they say they'll pay me back.

And all those loud, proud boys
can shove their egos up their @sses.
Put your pride to the side.
If you're too proud to do right by me, 
keep it moving.

There's a difference between being egotistical
and being confident.

That's one thing I love about C*****.
He'd listen to me. 
He's confident, but not overly proud. 
And he doesn't let it get in the way.
I still have those feelings, 
but I can't and won't tell him. 
He wanted to go his own way. 
He told me what he thought of me. 
That I worry too much
and that I'm insecure. 

I was worried that he'd stop talking to me.
And he did. 
He told me that that's how worrying works.

So I just want him to be happy.
If that means being with someone
or whatever it means, 
that's what it means, to him. 

He could have pretty much any girl he wanted. 
Except for girls who are into other girls.

It was me who wasn't playing my cards right.
I had a good thing. I f*cked it up.
And it was something to me.
Maybe it wasn't anything to him. 

BUT the ways he was helping me, 
he was doing that for me. 
There wasn't really anything in it for him. 

I did appreciate it. But I still f*cked it up.
Because I wanted to know
what he thought of me.
And worried. That he'd stop talking to me.

Abandonment has been a big thing in my life. BIG.
I feel abandoned by pretty much everyone
I ever loved. People leave, I get it.
I got it that hard way. Every time.

And although I want to open up emotionally, 
that's always in the back of my mind somewhere....
"They are going to leave me. 
Probably for someone else. Someone better.
And they are going to be happier without me."

"They have so many other options
so why tf would they choose me?"

"If they really knew everything....
They would RUN."

BUT don't act like you're single if you're NOT.
That really p*sses me off.
If you're with someone.... Don't tell me it's over
if it's NOT. Don't do that to me.

And if you want to BE single, 
don't come to me like you want to be with me.
Because if you don't, you don't. 

If you want to play the field.... Be about that.
Have and take all the girls you want.
But don't make me one of your girls....
Just another hoe.
That you can turn on and off like a light.
All because you know that I'm into YOU.

Anyway.... Had enough of that.... All of that.
And I have enough of my own issues....
My life's been falling apart for a long time....

It'd take a really strong guy
to help me pull enough strength together
to help me pull myself together.
Even if we never got together.
And that's not his job.

I can't wait for a guy to save me
from myself or from my life....
I don't even know why I thought that. 
Or that I thought I could save anyone
from themself or their life.

I have to want that for myself.
They have to want that for themself. 

And yes, my insecurities
lead me to drink. It wasn't just anxiety.
It wasn't just depression. 
And it became a coping mechanism. 
But it destroyed my life.
And I destroyed my life.... 

And people can blame me 
for destroying their lives....
Or anything else for destroying their lives, 
but they have to take some of the blame
for destroying their own life.

They can't just blame everything and everyone.
They are a big part of the equation.
Whether they want to believe it or not.
I didn't. I didn't want to accept
that I was putting myself through sh*t.
That I was f*cking up.
That I still f*ck up....
That I still put myself through sh*t.
That I still get in my own way
and I still ruin things
by letting my feelings get in the way.

It's easier to blame everything and everyone.
But the sh*t that has to do with us
has to do with us. 

Not the sh*t we've been through....
Not "I've been through this sh*t
so therefore I'm like this...."
Sh*t we go through affects us, yes, 
but ultimately, we get to choose
who and how we want to be.

Sure, we can be angry about the sh*t we've been through
to the point we don't GAF about anything or anyone.....
And we could be....
But is that who and how we want to be?
All our experiences shape us.
To an EXTENT.
As we get older and mature
we realize that we get to decide that extent.

Just because I've been through a lot of sh*t....
Doesn't mean I have to be a sh*tty person.

Or excuse sh*tty people for being sh*tty people
just because of the sh*t they've been through.
Or let them just excuse themselves
by blaming their sh*t on me.

And yes, a lot of the time
it takes a good person to teach someone
how to be a good person.
And when they don't have any or many
good people in their lives....
They learn sh*tty things from sh*tty people.
But we get to a point, most of us....
Where we don't want to be a sh*tty person.
Not just because most people don't like sh*tty people....
It's hard to like ourselves, too.

And sometimes I just want to die.
Partly because I rarely feel alive anymore.
I rarely feel anything other than frustration
or pain.... Or sadness....

The few times I let someone in.
Who touched me in some way....
Only to walk away....

There were times that letting them in felt good for a while.
Being touched in touching ways felt good. 
Being abandoned all over again, didn't. Doesn't.
By people I didn't think would do that to me.

Anyway, I don't control whether they like me or not. 
Or why they like me... If they do. 
Or how long they like me... If they do.
Barely control whether I f*ck it up.
Because I end up f*cking it up somehow. All the time.

I'm just really sad. I probably need more sleep.