Hard To Focus

Was watching a documentary called:
They Call Us Monsters. 
It's on youtube
In it, 3 teens facing lengthy prison sentences....
Were writing a screen play. 
I got to watch the screen play, too. 

I heard one of the teens was granted parole. 
There was an arguement about whether he had or not. 
Because his original sentence was 162 years to life. 
For 4 attempted murders that left a girl paralyzed. 

It was an interesting documentary. 
Been watching a lot of those types of docs lately. 
Lots of prison type docs and stuff like that. 

I don't know why. I used to be into that a long time ago. 
I stopped because I was getting nightmares 
and it was unhealthy for me to keep thinking about stuff. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just find it hard to focus on much of anything these days. 
Thought about going outside for a bit, 
but I haven't left the apartment for almost a week now. 
Also not healthy. 

Been stuck in my emotions. Lots of regret stuff pouring in. 
In waves and wave. About how I handled things. 
About things leading up to this. 
About a lot of past stuff that I can't change. 
Because there's more I could have done
and should have done. 

And maybe something else would have made a difference. 
And yes, I blame myself so much. I really do. 
All the things I couldn't see. 
It's so hard to move past this. It's so f*cking hard to do it. 
I'm really kicking myself with how I handled this. 
I didn't get it right. 
So much I was wrong about and I couldn't see it. 

I keep telling myself that "nothing has happened."
That I got freaked out and I freaked out. 
And that makes me look crazy. 
It makes me look like I'm losing my mind over something... 
But I know that these things aren't just things. 

Freaking out made me act impulsively. 
Which wasn't something thought out. 

Hard to believe that it is over. 
But what did I think was going to happen?
For him to be happy that I care enough about him
to try to get help for him?

I didn't want it to be over. 
I kept trying to reach out after that. 
I wish things could go back to before this. 
Before all of this. 

Back to before he started telling me some things. 
Would you want to know or not know?

I love him, I miss him, I want to fix it
but I don't know how to fix it. 
And I don't see that I can. 

I know he's angry with me. 
I didn't do this the right way. At all. 
I can see that I haven't, now. 
I'm so mad at myself for handling this the wrong way. 

I should have let him come to me. 
BUT, I had to do something. 

And because I acted the way I did....
He doesn't trust me anymore. 

I wish I could tell him so much. 
I wish he'd believe me when I tell him I love him. 
I wish we could talk to each other
about how we feel and what we're thinking. 
I really wish we could have some clarity. 
And some openess.... 
But what he told me freaked me out. A lot. 
My head's all over the place, 
my heart's all over the place... 
Having a hard time accepting this. 

Feeling like I just made it worse
like I make other things worse... 
It was already bad. 
So bad that I couldn't talk about it. 

So it's a mixed bag of stuff. 
I don't expect anyone to understand. 
Because this wasn't something that I saw coming. 
And not equipped to handle well, obviously. 

I don't think that many others are, either. 
And yes, I really do blame myself. 
For so much... I really do. 

I know, I know... I keep just repeating myself. 
This is really bothering me. Has been for a while. 
Before I started writing about it. 
The fear would come and then I had to try to get rid of it. 
Then it would come again and I had to try to get rid of it. 
And try not to think the worst. 

Part of me still wants to have my son in my life, 
but knowing that it might not be possible. 
Partly because I freaked out, 
but also because it might be dangerous now. 

Still loving him, a lot, but still scared at the same time. 
And this feeling really sucks. 
Because all I want is to love him.
And to have him in my life. 
And to just be his mother. 

I got myself into this mess. 
I'm really sad. I'm stuck.
I really f*cked up.