The Card

 All these feelings of failure keep coming up. 
And with those feelings fear sets in. 
No communication with my son. 

A friend tells me not to manifest sh*t. 
I'm not trying to. 

Obviously things are not looking good
and I had the chance to do something more, 
but I didn't take that chance. 

He was opening up to me. 
I lost that with him. 
I just couldn't convince him otherwise
and that was my job. 
I f*cking FAILED. 

What did I think calling the cops was going to do?
Make sure that he's still alive in there? Sure. 

But trying to get him into the hospital 
wasn't a bad thing in my mind. 
It was because he was potentially going to harm himself. 

There's so much unknown sh*t. So much. 
And that freaks me out more than what I already know. 
And I don't get to know anything anymore. 
Because I made people aware of it. 
Because, to me, this is pretty serious. 

It was enough to make my stomach sink.
And scared me so bad I couldn't talk about it.
So I missed some time where I might have been able to do something. 
Something that might have made a difference. 

I keep repeating myself. 
You know how my mind works. 

I just.... I'm having a hard time with this. I really am. 

My friends tell me that I have to take care of myself. 
I'm so stuck in this.... 

Keep getting jolted out of bed. 
Certain things trigger me. Guilt stuff. 
And grief stuff. I'm having such a hard time with this.

I didn't approach this the right way. 
Saying that over and over again doesn't change that. 

I still don't want to give up. 
I just can't support certain things. 
But I understand the feelings behind it. 

I don't know why it's hard to keep the past in the past.
Because of how I feel about it?
Because of how it feels?

Because of the guilt?
Because of the regrets?
Because of my fears?

Because I know that the past is connected to the present
and the present is connected to the future?

It doesn't feel good. It doesn't have to. 
This isn't something I can just ignore. 

My friend told me the other day:
"You need to clear your mind."

I've been having a hard time just getting out of bed. 
Like I'm keeping myself stuck in this comfort zone. 
Because all of this stuff is uncomfortable. 
It's hard to take. It really is. Facing everything. 
About myself, about my life, 
about how I failed. 
But is this entirely my fault?
I can't take ALL the blame if it's not ALL mine. 
Only the blame that IS mine. 

And that is hard, too. 
Because I was trying to run from myself for so long. 
But I can't run from myself anymore. 

Like I want to do the things I know I should be doing for myself. 
I get fears about moving forward. 
About doing the work I need to do. 
It's like: "I could pull myself out of this, 
but when something happens,
I'm going to get pulled right back into it.
And I might not be able to pull myself out of it."
Probably not. 

And I have to keep telling myself
that nothing has happened. As far as I know.
So why do I keep getting scared of that?
Because of what I know and what I don't?
Because of my guilt and regrets?

Because I think I can somehow control
every possible outcome? Everything?! I can't. 
So why do I feel such immense guilt?
Do others feel like this?
Probably not, because they don't do sh*t to feel guilty for. 
They weren't as selfish as I was. 
THAT was under my control. 
But I couldn't see how selfish I was being. 
How could I not see that?
I look back on it and feel so much shame....

I can only become a better version of myself. 
That's all. I can't change who I was or how I was. 
I want others to recognize that. 
That I can't undo the past or fix it
or fix that version of myself. 

I quit drinking. That was a step in the right direction. 
I wish I had quit sooner...
So much sooner. 

The thoughts about ending it loom over me. 
More so these days than anything. 
I keep asking myself if I could just do it. 
And I don't think I have the guts to even try to....

But I don't really want to be here anymore. 
Writing's the only thing I have left. 
And thinking.... Too much thinking. 

Thinking about going to get a coffee soon. 
It'd be the first time that I left the apartment in days....

There's a tradition I have where I buy a stranger a coffee.
On the first day of the year.
To try to start the year off on a good note. 
Last year was really rough, on a lot of people....
Not like a free coffee is going to fix anything. 
Just something nice I can do. 
It generally feels good to do nice things. 

Maybe I should just go do that right now.... 

Me: "Thinking about ending it..."
Also me: "Maybe I should go buy someone a coffee."

------------------------------

Back from the coffee shop...
Someone had the same idea as me. 
Gave me a gift card. 
I wanted to buy a coffee for the guy behind me
or give the cashier the card to give to the guy, 
but they both refused. 
I stopped a lady walking away from the coffee shop
and I told her what I was trying to do
and she let me give her the card. 
So it worked out for the both of us
because I used the card once. 
So I got a free coffee and donut
and gave the card to her.