Numb For A While

Been hard to focus on the moment to moment stuff. 
Stayed up late last night. 
I asked a question in a group and got lots of answers to it. 
Stayed up reading them all. 

Slept into the afternoon
but thought it'd be a waste to stay in bed all day. 

I have a nig bag of bird food that my friend gave me. 
He used to have a pet pigeon and I had a couple pigeons
who were on my balcony for a while. 
I think I scared them because I was trying to tame them. 
I'd caught one of them and brought him inside. 
I'm pretty sure it was a male, but I didn't see or check for genitals. 
Just had that 'feeling.'

Anyway, they haven't been back and I've got a big bag of food. 
So I got a container of food and took a walk to the lake. 
Since the lake is frozen, people were going out onto it. 
I didn't go out onto it. 

I put the food out and I went and got a sandwich. 
Brought it home and watched a movie. 
Been pretty tired. 

The light in the washroom went out. 
I'd kept it on for maybe a week straight. 
I don't know why, but I find it comforting to keep a light on. 
The odd thing is that the light isn't actually burned out. 
Because I turned it off and back on again a few times
and the light went back on. 
So I find that odd. 

I had a convo with someone the other night
where I told him I hardly ever get aroused anymore. 
I'd be a sh*tty girlfriend:
"I'm still attracted to you, but we can't have sex
because I'm too numb."

Depression does that to people, I guess. 

There was something I read that says that
pleasure comes from outside of us, 
but joy comes from within...

And I kept thinking about the word 'enjoy'
And people might think:
"Do you not get aroused anymore
because you don't enjoy sex?"

It's that I find most things increasingly pointless. 

Someone said "you can do it for exercise."
Yeah, but I can just go for a walk. 
I enjoy feeding the birds. 

Probably the best fed birds in the city. 
Lots of people enjoy feeding the birds, too. 

Despite the lockdown, there were lots of people out today. 
Skiing, snowshoes.... Walking. 

There was someone who posted in the heartbreak group
that they feel sad and lonely. 

I remember what C***** said.
He said: "Feel into it until you are ready to set it aside."
He was trying to help me get over a heartbreak. He did. 

I added that sometimes we feel lonely because
we feel alone in our sadness
And sometimes we feel sad because
it's sad to feel alone. 

I used to push people away because I wanted to be alone, 
but I also didn't want to be alone. 
It still doesn't make much sense. 

I just wish some people can see why I did what I did
and not just focus solely on what I do. 
Or what I didn't do. 

"You can't make someone love you
by giving them more of what they don't appreciate."
That one struck me pretty hard. 
At some point I'm going to have to let go. 
Maybe even completely.

"Sometimes the heart needs more time to accept
what the mind already know."

He already told me he doesn't want anything to do with me. 
My own son. 

His father doesn't either. 
They wasted time at the hospital
and they didn't want to go in the first place. 

It wasn't the best way to address it. 
There was probably another way. 

Still hard to just walk away
and still don't want to. 

A friend was pointing out to me
that darkness is the absence of light.
There was a lot I couldn't see
because I was keeping myself in the dark. 
And I still feel in the dark. 
Alone in here....

Sure, I can be alone for a while. 
There are worse things. 

I don't have to feel lonely, 
or like my life depends on having company....

I don't have to feel deserted or deserving. 
Don't have to feel. 
I can stay numb for a while.