Prior To This

It's been a struggle. 
Feeling like I need to let go, but having a hard time.
Always having a hard time with things like that.
This has been the hardest, ever.

It took a long time in the past. 
Lots of heart break.... Prior to this. 

Maybe more in the future. I don't know.
We're not supposed to know.

If I don't open up to people, 
they can't really hurt me. 
I've let people get so close
because I wanted to be close to them. 
That was on me. 

Been really sad. Missing my son. 
Won't be hearing from him again. 
I know it's over, just hard to believe. 
Never wanted it to be.... 
Never wanted this. 
So hard to accept this. 
Took me a long time to recover last time. 
I was finally starting to be okay
and then all of this.... 

I was happy that I had heard from him
then all of this stuff.... 

I have to work on feeling okay, again. 
But I don't. I really f*cking don't. 
Because it's not okay and I don't feel okay.
I can't see myself feeling okay. 
About this. 
I wish it was just the other stuff going on. 

Or just some guy who doesn't know what he wants. 
I can handle all of that. This is.... Hard. 

I can understand why he doesn't want to talk to me. 
But what he can't understand is why I did what I did. 
I tried telling him. I wrote to him a few times. 

I feel like I'm only making things worse. 
Just like I always did.... 
I sabotaged myself a lot. 

When it comes to everything. 
Every relationship I have had. 
But others sabotaged it, too. 
It wasn't just me ruining it. 

Sometimes when I think about it....
I feel guilty for wanting to end it. 
For thinking about it.
When others are fighting to live....
And they are running out of oxygen at the hospitals in the U.S
and they have to decide who gets it, 
who lives and who dies
because they can't save them all. 

Heard that it's a hoax and a few people I know
believe that it is.
People have been dropping dead. 
They aren't pretending to die. 
They are actually dying. 

And I would actually die if I ended it.

And I don't want to pretend that I don't care. I do. 
I'm just not sure how long I can do this, this time. 
The not knowing.... The uncertainty... 
The anxiety... Feeling alone.... All the time. 
My friend, the one who brought me food, 
who will spend my birthday with me.... 
Feels like he's all I got. 
And I don't want to do that to him. 
He's been trying to keep me going.
As best as he can.... 
I'm lucky to have him. 
And I really feel totally alone sometimes. 
I mean, without him... Who would I have?
Asking me if I'm okay....
Because am I? Am I okay?
Will I be okay? Will I get through this?

Having to cut ties.... Is hard. 
And pretending that I am okay... I'm not. 
I haven't felt like myself for a long time.... 
I don't know when or if I can.... 
Knowing what I know
and feeling like I can't do anything about it. 
Feeling too weak... All the time... 

Feeling like this is all because of me....
Feeling like I've failed....

Do I go on anyway? Like this?
It's my birthday.....
I miss my son. From before all of this. 
Feeling like nobody in my life
f*cking appreciates me. Truly. 

One good friend is all I need. 
I have that one friend.

I may never love or be in love again....
I may never have that.
I may never have my son back. 
I may never get to have the life I wanted to have....

I may just keep hurting the rest of my life.
On my birthday... And every other day.
Because I just wanted the love...
From family, from friends.... 

To have people in my life who care about me.
Whether I live or die....
About what I'm going through....

It's so f*cking painful.... I can't even explain it....

But this is me. Where I'm at....
This is what I've been given. 

To see if I'm strong enough.....
To make it through this.....
Because if I'm not....
Why am I even writing this?
I can't sleep....

I miss C*****. 
I'd love to hear from him. 
A birthday wish.
But things won't be back to the way they were.
I already ruined it.

I was lonely, still am. 
But that's not why I was reaching out to him. 
It was something I had realized.....
In the process of talking to him....
But I can't let my emotions
depend on him in any way....
Like I said, I want him to be happy. 

I want M*** to be happy, too. 
Maybe one day.... 
Even though I was pretty miserable near the end. 
Like all I am is a burden to everyone
and it feels that way and it sucks. 
Like it's a chore for anyone to actually care about me. 

I could die in this bed
and nobody would even know....
For how long?
Until my family stops hearing from me on holidays?
My rent gets paid automatically....
The only way anyone would know
is when they're wondering what the foul smell is
down the hall and they'd send someone to check it out....

And then they'd realize why nobody's heard from me
or seen me for a while....

A morbid thought that crosses my mind, 
but it's f*cking true. Nobody would know
and that's how they'd find out, find me....

Because nobody checks on me.
Or asks me how I'm doing.
I'm not doing so great. That's the truth. 

People are urging me to try to start my life over again. 
WHAT LIFE? What am I doing? PRETENDING?!
How long can I pretend for? The rest of my life?

Is C**** supposed to spend every birthday with me?
And be the only one to ask me if I'm okay?
To try to talk me into trying to get better?
To tell me he's proud of me for trying to get help?
And how long and I supposed to hold on for?
Until I can't do this anyone?
Until I can't put C**** through being my lifeline anymore?

Until I'm done reaching out?
Until I'm done trying?

I miss C*****, I miss my son. 
I miss M***. Even though he never gave a damn. 
Didn't try anymore.
After I didn't want to be the 3rd f*cking wheel. 
He wanted me to give up.
He knew all along.... He F*CKING KNEW!!!!
BUT I WAS NEVER THE GIRL HE WANTED!!!!

I am not the girl anyone wanted....
I am not the mother my son wanted....

WHAT THE F*CK AM I?
JUST SOMEONE WHO WRITES WORDS
FOR STRANGERS TO READ?

SITTING ALONE IN THIS APARTMENT...
JUST WAITING TO DIE....
UNTIL I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.....
YET I STAY ALIVE.

HOPING, LIKE AN IDIOT
THAT THINGS MIGHT CHANGE ONE DAY
THAT PEOPLE MIGHT CHANGE ONE DAY.
THAT I MIGHT BE ENOUGH FOR SOMEONE, ONE DAY.

THAT I MIGHT BE WORTH SOMETHING, SOME DAY....

AND WHAT WOULD THEY SAY ABOUT ME WHEN I DIED?
"I NEVER LIKED HER ANYWAY...."?
"GLAD SHE'S GONE...."
"SUCH A RELIEF."
"WON'T HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE NICE TO HER."

C**** is nice to me for real. He knows I have nobody.
He doesn't know what it's like.
he has family. He has friends.

He told me he had moved out here
to be with a girl he met online.
And that it hadn't worked out, but he decided to stay.
And we actually met on a dating site.
He sees me as a younger sister. I'll take it.

And C***** asked me if I tried online dating....
I don't even want to go there again. 
Seems like mostly a bunch of players on there.
Like sleep with a girl and dump her.
Then onto the next....
And who takes me seriously?
Who'd actually date me and get to know me?
Who'd want anything real with me?

I'll be 40 and still asking the same questions. 
Knowing that nobody would know
if I disappeared somewhere. 
Who would know? Who would miss me?
Who would care? 
Who'd GAF? Who does?

People who see it's my birthday on FB?
And rarely talk to me? Don't say hi?
And why should I care if they do or don't?
Why should I feel lonely and uncared for?
Why should I think about dying like every other day?
When I'm otherwise 'healthy'?
Want to trade places with me?
Give you my body for your mind?
Your friends? Your family?