I Feel That

I've been sad.
I keep thinking about my son.
How things were left between us....
How things might go because of that....

I keep going over some things in my head...
I wrote some thoughts down today, 
so I'll make another post soon about this stuff...

Been having to talk myself out of this. 
My friend has been trying, too. His best. 
And that is more than I can ask for. 
I am lucky he even wants to help me. 

I have pushed people away, in the past. 
Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. 

Sometimes the fight or flight thing
makes things hard....
Harder than they had to be. 

Been watching these eductational
mental health videos. Which are helpful. 
A lot of these things I wish I had learned a long time ago.

It's that I am dealing with some things
that are beyond my control. 
Coping with heavy things is not a strong point. 
I tried to explain my situation to a few people. 
I don't think they understand. 
Probably because they can't imagine having to face this. 
I didn't see it coming. 
I still blame myself. For a lot. 

And now I am stuck in this place
of needing to get serious help, 
not being able to afford it.... 
Not knowing how to help myself....
Suffering a lot.... Spiralling even. 
At least I can talk about it on here, 
to the extent that I can.... 
But it only goes so far, I guess. 

I just feel stuck in this place... 
Like a never ending nightmare.... 

People are telling me to focus on the positive. 
To make the the most of what I have... 
Which I don't even know how to do.... 
The anxiety is soooo high. 
Not having control over the outcome.... 
Having to cope somehow.... When it feels impossible
and feels like nobody understands. 

Telling me about mindset stuff
when I have mental disorders....
And I can't blame my mental disorders for my inabilities, 
it just makes things so much harder. So much harder....

And trying to explain this....
Most people don't understand what this is like....
They should be thankful that they are not going through this. 

And I keep thinking that had I done things differently....
Things might have turned out differently....
And I may have had a different impact.... 
Which may have lead to a different outcome. 

I'm just at a point where I have to do something
for my mental health. 
Because I don't know how long I can keep going like this. 
I can only call the distress line so many times
before it becomes redundant. 
I need counselling and therapy for a start. 

I can only talk to my friends so many times
about this. They can only help so much
and I am stressing them out. 

The people who are sticking with me
are doing it because they actually care about me. 
I am thankful to them. I really am. 

At the same time, I need to get professional help. 
Medication only sedates and does not address anything. 
In a lot of cases, it makes things much worse. 

It's that people don't have the skills to cope, 
their beliefs determine how they look at things, too. 
There's a lot that goes into this... 

Self medicating is destructive. I know that, too. 
I have ruined a lot by going that route. 

Sure, mindset stuff.... To some degree. 
Some people really need help. Badly. 
I'm one of those people. 

This is not easy to deal with. At all. 
It seems that when I get to a better place, 
things start to derail all over again.... 

Like I want to think
that it's as easy as reframing things.... 
And thinking "happy thoughts"
and things will magically change for the better.... 

There's a lot going into this. 
I've written about some of it, 
but there's a lot that I can't even put into words. 

And sometimes I don't know why
I keep writing about it
because it doesn't change anything. 
It's not doing anything about it. 
It's just trying to put it out there, 
my thoughts, how I feel, 
but it's not the answer. 
It's to try to reduce the pressure of keeping it inside. 
Hard to explain. 

Because I keep going over the same things, 
because my concerns are still the same, 
my reactions to the concerns I have are still the same. 

And sometimes I think of the worst that could happen
because I know that it would decimate me. 
But it isn't healthy to keep thinking the worst. 

I'm just having a hard time thinking the best. 

And people tell me that it's not a win-win situation. 
I am STUCK and have to move forward on my own. 
Find some semblance of stability... 
To ever have any emotional security.
Because I have ZERO peace of mind right now. 

Except that I have at least one friend
who will listen to me. 
He can't help me in the ways that I need, 
but he listens to me
and that really helps. 

Otherwise I would be completely alone
struggling with this. 

And I can't rely on him so much for support. 
I need to get the help I actually need
and relieve him of having to put up with me. 
He only does it because he cares about me. 
He does help in the ways that he can. 
That is already a lot. 
More than I can ask of anyone, really. 

So I pretend to other people that I'm okay, 
but I'm really, actually, not okay. 
I don't know how to be okay
because I'm not okay with this. 
Because this is not okay. 

Somehow I have to figure out how to be okay
to survive and to function....

When people don't understand....
It makes it hard.... 

I am the one who got myself into the mess that I am in. 
Nobody is magically going to save me. I know this. 
This is going to take a lot of work.... 
I have to do the work.... 
It's like having to learn everything as I go, 
no real structure or instructions, or directions.... 
Going into things with your hands tied behind your back.... 

I can't hide behind mental illness
and blame my problems on mental illness. 
It is a factor, it is a challenge, 
but I know I'm more than that. 
PILLS are not a CURE.

Some therapy does work, from what I heard, 
but you get out of it what you put into it
and it isn't cheap. 

Maybe things could have been different
had I recognized that I needed help and been able to get it
a lot sooner.... 
And been the stability that my son needed from me. 
Maybe he would have seen me in another light. 
He only looks at me how he looks at me
and sees me the way he sees me. 
I am to blame for a lot of it. 
He's seen me at my worst. And remembers that. 
That is how he sees me. 
And he has issues because of my issues. 

He's not getting the support he needs. At all. 
He needs it. I know he needs it. 
I see the signs and the cries for help, 
but I don't know what to do from this point. 
I've p*ssed him off, betrayed his trust, 
approached things the wrong way... 

And I'm supposed to think "I did all I could do"
and figure out how to be okay with that
when I know this has to do with me, 
how I was with him in the past, 
how I was in general, 
how I handled things, etc. 

I blame myself. I am responsible for a lot of this. 
I have to try to cope and get myself help. 
AND WORK myself to a place
where I can be okay. 
With my life falling apart.

I have to ASSESS this PROPERLY.
APPROACH this PROPERLY....

Writing about it is trying to put some....
structure to my thoughts.... 
Thoughts that are driving me MENTAL....

I put a lot of this OFF. 
Because I don't know how to DEAL
with these issues. 
NOT DOING ANYTHING MAKES THINGS WORSE.

"The only way OUT is THROUGH."
And I feel like I am going through HELL....

DENYING the mistakes I made
isn't addressing ANYTHING. 
I can only address it, the best I can from here. 
By acknowledging it and the effects it had. 
By acknowledging the IMPACT I had. 
The pain I caused. 

I cannot ERASE IT.
I can only LEARN from it. 
And get help for the issues I have. 
To lessen the impact moving forward. 

A lot of external stuff
really affects us internally. It does. 
Because of automatic thoughts about it. 
That bring feelings about it.... 

"That's how worrying works."
I am learning this. The hard way. 
LIKE EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE.

And I can look back on stuff
and can look at it differently....
I can see different perspectives on some things.

Just because I don't know what to do
doesn't mean that what I did was the right thing. 
Even though I was told that it was
and that I did what any parent would.
Or that I did what I was supposed to do. 
I could have handled things differently.
In lots of cases.

Even with dealing with those idiots in the hospital. 
Who CLEARLY were not listening
or understanding what I was telling them. 
And no matter how you try to explain something
doesn't mean people are going to get it. 

But there are times I wasn't listening. 
And didn't grasp some things, either. 

It's okay to be frustrated when you don't feel
HEARD or UNDERSTOOD.
But I have gotten to the point of no return.
Many times. 

And I didn't have to get to that point, but I did.
Like getting to the point of leaving the hospital
because of how they were talking down to me
like I had no idea what I was talking about. 
That was very frustrating for me. 
And if I had some of it on film, 
you'd see and know
what was frustrating about it. 

Like just because someone has an education
doesn't make them intelligent. 

F*ck, I went to school and I still have to learn
so many things. 

And yes, it sucks to be treated
like I know NOTHING. And that I am STUPID.
IT'S F*CKING FRUSTRATING. 

Especially when they look at you
out of their own personally opinion. 
People who try to kill themselves
and even think about killing themselves
are treated like f*cking idiots. 
They are treated like sh*t.

Because apparently it's selfish to want to end it. 
And people are "just feeling sorry for themselves."
And whatever else they tend to think
about people who have depression. 
And other mental illness. 

There was something else I read recently:
"Ever throw something away
and realize, later, that you need it?
I almost did that with my life."
Same concept applies.

But mental illness isn't something
that I require a personal opinion about. 
Or be treated like I am an IDIOT.
Sure, I've done stupid things. 
Maybe doing stupid things implies that I am stupid. 
Maybe there is logic in that, 
but I know what I am trying to convey
and just because I can't verbally articulate it
doesn't mean that I don't have a valid point. 

It really sucks when I can't convey something
AND be understood....
It's frustrating. 
And a lot of the anger stuff
is from not getting something I wanted
which was to be understood. 
And not have people assume sh*t about me. 
Or drag up my past
as some example of the present.

Because I'm not exactly the same person I was a decade ago. 
But some of the same things still seem to p*ss me off. 
And I seem to have similar reactions.
Like I know when I have reached my limit. 
And yes, I can go overboard. I have. 
I have acted impulsively. 
Without thinking things through. 

That hasn't changed a lot. 
But I am aware that I have that habit. 
And it is a habit. It's a choice, yes. 
But I know when I have had enough of that sh*t. 
And I still find it really hard to just take that sh*t. 

Been going through some really rough times. 
Really rough, dark times. 
And am having to learn from my mistakes. 
Do I still make mistakes? Yes.
Do I still have challenges? Yes.
Am I f*cking perfect? No.
Do I always think things through? No.
But am I aware of these things? Yes.
Do I take these things into consideration
when I'm making my choices? Not always.
Most of the time, I don't. 
Am I stubborn AF? Yes.
I am not always right. I'm not.
And not everyone else is always right, either.

Trying to tell someone they have it wrong
when they don't see it that way....
Like trying to choose your battles.

Just because we know some things
doesn't mean we know everything. 

Like how I jump to conclusions sometimes. 
People do that about me
when they make assumptions about me.
I'm not assuming that they do, I feel it.