Much Of Anything

It's driving me crazy. Can't sleep well.
Pain at the base of my skull....

When I hit that sleep state, 
intense fear grips me and I wake up.
I really wish I didn't know. 
I wish that I could go back to when I didn't know.

To when I could be happier....
I don't know how to be happy now.
I am not happy with knowing.
It makes me feel sick and scared. 
Like 90% of the time....

I'm not happy trying to sleep
and these fear stuff coming up....

And then all these feelings of missing my son. 
And knowing that things won't be the same now....

And how I reacted to it and trying to get him help he didn't want....
And knowing that I might never see him again.... 

It's a lot to take. A lot. 
It's like my heart is being pulled apart.

And he knew that he was going to hurt me
and he wanted to hurt me. 
It f*cking hurts. All of it.
It hurts more than anything I ever felt before. 
And it's been a lot of pain
and a lot of fear. A lot of guilt stuff. 
Shame stuff.... SADNESS....
UNREST....

I miss my son. I really miss him. 
There's been at least 6 times he stopped talking to me.
And I had to get over it. Over and over again.
And HOPE he would contact me.

And even though I wish he would....
I don't know what to say to him. 
I wrote him a few emails. 
Tried to send a few messages. 
Called and left a couple messages...

All the while being scared that he's angry with me.
And that he's been having thoughts about hurting me.

I don't know how to get out of this state I'm in.
I'm sad, I'm depressed because I miss him. 
But I'm scared, too. 
I'm stuck in this. It's driving me crazy.

I'm going to try to get a prescription
for that sleeping pill that I was taking.
It helped me sleep through the night....

Not sure how I feel about pills these days.
Suicide's been in the back of my mind, 
a lot more than it ever used to be.
I push those thoughts away.
I know it's permanent. 
It's not a temporary solution.
It's not like I can come back from the dead....
When it's over, it's over.

It seems that people who talk about it
don't do it. 
I don't think most people actually want to die. 
Or that most people who kind of do
actually go through with it.

They just wish things would change 
and get better
and that they could be and feel happy. 

And not be stuck in the states that they are in. 
Because I can relate to that.

This isn't what I wanted. At all.

And now I don't see how I can have what I wanted.
Because I ruined everything. 
But I didn't do that on my own. 
There was stuff from him, too. 
That I was reacting to.
Maybe overreacting to, but still reacting to. 

If not for that.... Where would we be?

If not for a lot of things, though....
Some of it had to do with me
and some of it didn't. 
The stuff that had nothing to do with me....
I can't take responsibility for that.

And people are telling me that I have to take care of myself. 
Which I do and been barely doing
because I'm stuck in this state....
The only ways out are 1) OUT
and 2) Through.

This is hard to get through.

All these mixed feelings. 

I've sent him messages. That he may not be reading or have read.
Or even care to read because of how I reacted.

Told him how I felt and why.
He hasn't been telling me anything. Again. 
He went for 2 years without talking to me before. 
And that was hard to pull myself out of.... 
By the time I was doing better, I heard from him. 
I don't expect to hear from him this time. 
And it's been hard to take this. Really hard. 
Not just the silence, but the uncertainty, 
and knowing what I know
and not knowing what I don't know.

I'm sad about the past. Really sad about it.
Sad about the present, too. 

Missing people who used to be in my life. 
Missing how some things used to be....

Regretting a lot of things....
My past makes me feel f*cking worthless. 
Even though I wasn't a complete screw up.
But I did f*ck up a lot and f*cked a lot up.
And that makes me feel f*cking worthless. 

Really hard to just forgive myself
and move past all that stuff. 

I had started a facebook group
to post links to youtube movies. 
I think someone reported it or something
because facebook removed my group.

Been pretty sad the last few days....
I don't know how to feel better. 
Took a walk, had some chocolate....
I guess they started putting some easter stuff out
at the gas station... Closest store still open at night.

Wtf am I even doing with my life?
Trying to just exist? What is this?
I don't feel alive... I am alive. 
I don't FEEL alive...

I don't feel much of anything
except for anxiety stuff and sadness.