JOLTS

It's been hard. It's like being stabbed in the gut
when I'm trying to sleep...
It wakes me up. JOLTS.
And I see all the ways I was wrong and f*cked up. 
It stabs me, too. 

I miss my boy, and I don't want to be
going through this with him.
I can't see how we can come back from this.

A friend said: "What's done is done."
I have to move past this.

I want to be happy. 
And I can see how this was dramatic or whatever.
I may have overreated. 
Due to panic and fear....

And people told me I did the right thing. 
It doesn't feel like I did. 
It made my son hate me and push me away. 
I can't undo this.
"What's done is done."
I may never hear from him again. 

The time he didn't speak to me for 2 years....
That was a really difficult time for me.
Every time he did that to me was really hard for me. 
And he knew it was going to hurt me. 

Every time he came back and was talking to me
were some of the happiest times of my life.

But this time, things changed....
And it really got dark and scary
and I didn't know how to handle it.
It's a lot to take. 

I blame myself for a lot of it.
But at the same time, we get to choose.
He chose that. I didn't. 
And yes, I freaked out. 
And it didn't make anything better. 
It made things worse.

Someone sent me a lead on a book
about healing trauma.

I don't think it'll help these jolts to go away. 
I have to try to talk myself out of these jolts. 

I tried to apologize for everything. 
I don't think I'll be able to make things right. 
Been stuck in my head about this. 
My role in it has been rolling me up
and rolling me out.... 

How did things get this bad?
I am to blame for a lot of it.....

It's so hard to forgive myself for the past. 
And I don't think my son will forgive me. 
I know he's really upset about this. 

And I feel like I'm only making it worse
by trying to get through to him
as to why I did what I did. 

Because he doesn't care why I did what I did. 
He feels betrayed. 

And I can see it from his point of view. 
And maybe I shouldn't have gone over there at all. 

Can he see it from mine?
Does he know what it's been like for me?

It's still so hard to let go. 
Because I still wish we were close. 
Like we used to be.
When we used to talk... 

But it is how he took it
and how he is taking it,
and his choice. 

I can't make anyone see how things have been for me. 
But is this about me? Or about him?
Or about both of us?

I can see how I look like a crazy person. 
I can see how my son would have told them
that I'm just being crazy
like I had no reason to do what I did, 
but when I explained to others what happened, 
they told me that I did the right thing. 

I don't see how we can have a new beginning. 
Or how we can reconcile this. 
Or how we can go back to how things used to be....

Because as bad as it was, I made it worse. 
By revealing everything the way I revealed it. 
And I only made it known because it really freaked me out
and if I said nothing, I'd feel just as guilty
had anything gone down....

Like I can't even explain this to anyone.
And even though I did what I did, it seems like
it served no purpose because it didn't do anything. 
It only made things worse.

And now I have to cope with this, 
with what I did about it, 
with not knowing what will happen next.

Like I need him to see where I'm coming from. 
Where I've been coming from, 
but now he feels like he needs to protect himself.
From me freaking out about things. 

Had I known that I wasn't going to get anywhere, 
maybe I would have gone a different route, 
taken another path....

Like maybe he thinks I did this to him
because I was mad at him. It wasn't like that. 
It's because I got scared. 

And maybe I was wrong to do what I did. 
From his perspective... 
Maybe from his father's perspective, too. 
Maybe from others' perspectives. 

And the report just made things so much worse. 
And talking to his doctor, too.

And I can't see any way around this. 
And I still miss him and I love him. 

I just can't see how I can fix this. 
Not just what I did, but what lead up to this. 
Because what he told me was what he told me
and yes, it got a reaction from me. 
Not the reaction that he wanted. 
Or even foresaw.... 

And every day I have to live with this. 
How things got the way they got... 
How things are.... 
How things might have been.... 
How things might turn out.... 
Because of me....
But also because of the choices he made himself. 
And because of what I did, 
how I handled everything the wrong way. 
What he could still decide to do.... 
Because of how I handled things. 

I made a mess of things 
that were already a mess. 

And it's not like I'm not a mess. I am. 
I recognize that about myself. 

I wanted things to be good between him and I.
I wanted to talk about stuff and address it. 
I needed help with that. 
So that I wouldn't screw up so bad. 

It was like this was my last chance with him
and I f*cked it up... 
But it was already pretty f*cked up.... 
I just f*cked it up even more.... 

And now I'm stuck in this. 
I feel sick over it. Constantly. 
I can't really talk to anyone about it.... 
I can barely sleep. Can barely function.... 
I don't know what to do. 
I don't think there is anything I can do.... 

Feeling hopless and helpless in the situation
that is beyond my control.... 

And people are telling me things like:
"Just take care of yourself. Don't worry."

Or "just live your life."
How can I? When I keep thinking about my son?
When things could be getting worse?
When there's stuff I don't know?

When my own son might want to hurt me?

When I don't know how to live "like this."?
When it feels like I can't live like this?
When all I am is a shell of who I used to be
and not even a fraction
of who I could have been?

Do I take responsibility
when people blame the choices they make on me?

At the same time, I can't blame the choices I make on them.
My choices are mine, theirs are theirs.... 

Is praying going to be enough?
Will it change things?

I can't erase the past. 
And I know they both still see me that way....

And what I did wasn't fair. 
What I was being put through wasn't fair, either.
What I'm being put through.... 

And what I'm going through is partly on me.

Part of me wants to start over. 
Another part of me just wants to end it all. 

It's like: "I'm scared that I made this so bad
that they got so mad 
that they'll hurt me...."
Then I made things even worse....
So that just increased everything....

And I feel like I can't get through this.
Like everything I did made things worse.

And every day I have to live with this
and live like this....

And I just feel sick about everything....
And I can't see how this can get better
or how this can turn around. 
I want that....

And maybe everyone is better off without me....
What good have I done?
What good can I do?

What good is this?

What good is anything?
When I thought that what I needed
was the love of a good man?
Someone to be good to me and for me?
Someone who would help me?
A good relationship with everyone in my life?
Understanding?
To have the kind of life
that apparently was not meant for me.....

"You did the right thing...." At what expense??!!
Was it worth losing everything I wanted?
Was it worth losing my son over?

DID MY SON EVEN WANT ME IN HIS LIFE?
If he didn't, why did he call me after 2 years?

But WHY did he put me through all of his?
To hurt me? 
What's going through his head now?
I can't even know unless he tells me....
I wasn't prepared for what he told me.... 
For any of this. 

But what I thought.... 
A lot of it wasn't the case.

That I'd still have time to try to make things right....
That being in love with someone
who loved me back
was the key to just being happy.
That I could get through anything
if I just had that....

Would it be easier to get through this
if only I had that?
Do I even want that anymore?
Could I even have that?
Could I make that work?
When apparently I can't make anything work in my life.....
When I'm struggling to even get help for myself
to get through this.
F*cking hardest sh*t I've ever had to go through...
All these separations with my son over the years. 
And all these mixed feelings....
And wanting him in my life
but scared that might not be able to trust him
because I broke his trust....

I hate these feelings. 
I just want to love my son. 
I wish he loved me back. 
And that we could get back to where we were
before any of this.... 

And there isn't much I can do. 
I told him why I did what I did. 
I apologized. Many times. 

And I don't know why I started thinking about M*** again. 
I wasn't thinking about him for a long time. 
I was getting over him and over everything. 
None of that seems to matter anymore. 

The last time I had started thinking about him, 
I heard from him. I won't be hearing from him again. 
I shut him down because I was still upset.

About how he told me he was still sleeping with his 'ex'
when we were in bed together....
When he had a year to tell me. 
He could have just told me. 

But standing me up all those times.... 
Being the way he was being with me....
All that uncalled for sh*t....

When ALL I WANTED....
WAS TO LOVE AND BE LOVED BACK....!!!

BUT WE CANNOT FORCE ANYONE
WE LOVE TO LOVE US BACK!!!!

And my son thinks I never loved him....
That nobody ever loved him.....
I still love him. I never stopped loving him. 
Even though he's been scaring the sh*t out of me.....

And yeah, I keep hoping he loved me, too. 
That he has the capacity to feel love.
To know what it is.

And it was my job to show him. 
And his father's job to show him. 
And all the people in his life to show him. 
What love is so that he knows.... 

And it p*sses me off that I didn't know
how to show love for so long...
That I couldn't. Even when I wanted to. 
And telling someone I loved them, 
was never enough for them. Ever.
For them to know how I felt about them....

And I tried to tell some people
what they meant to me....
But it never seemed to be enough for them.... 

And now there are people who I love
who I won't get to talk to again. 

And it seems that my love for them
just never meant anything to them....
Because I couldn't show them I loved them....

And there are times that I felt well enough
to start really working on myself
and feeling better....
But I DO NOT FEEL GOOD ABOUT THIS.
HOW COULD ANYONE?!

JUST LEAVE IT LIKE THIS?!
JUST HOPE FOR THE BEST?!
KEEP PREPARING IN CASE SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS?!
EVEN THOUGH YOU'D GIVE YOUR LIFE
NOT TO LET ANYTHING BAD HAPPEN?!

AND THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT....
CAN'T HELP THINKING ABOUT IT....
THE MORE I WISH I'D JUST DIE
SO THAT I DON'T HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE
IF SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS
BECAUSE I CAN'T TAKE THIS....
LET ALONE ANYTHING BAD HAPPENING.
AND WHAT EVERYONE WOULD THINK OF ME....

AND THEY KNOW IT WOULD KILL ME....