It Doesn't

I don't know how to let go of what I need to let go of. 
I never ever saw myself walking away
and it's not my choice....
Most of this was not my choice... 
Some of it was, but not all of it.

I have to accept it, but it's hard. 

Anyone who's been here, understands. 
It's not a good place to be. At all. 
It doesn't feel good. 

I don't know how to move forward
and I'm not getting another chance. 
I ruined it. 
Trying to do "the right thing."

I don't know how to feel better. 
I'm stuck.
I know I keep saying this over and over again. 
That's how it feels. 

Because things changed, yet again. 
When I finally let go, and start to do better, 
it's like I get dragged through the mud all over again. 
And I don't want to do that again. 
IF I ever get out of this....
I can't see myself being able to get out of this....
Like I said, there are only 2 ways out of this.
OUT or through....

It's hard to just let this end. 
Because in my heart, I don't want it to. 
I still want my son in my life. 
He doesn't want me in his life. 
Especially after what I did. 
Even if I was "doing the right thing"
for "the right reasons."

I can't see him suddenly forgiving me
and being able to put sh*t in the past...
And starting fresh. 

Part of me wants that. 

And I can't talk to his father, either. 
He's upset with me, too. 

And I feel like: WHAT am I even doing with my life?

I wish I could fix things and heal things. 
I don't know how to do it!
I want to work things out, 
but I don't think that I can....
Like gone beyond the point of no return....
And it doesn't feel good. 
Like I went too far....

And I can't get back what I lost....
It's like every time I'm afraid of losing something
or someone, I lose it or lose them. 

It's all in his court and I have to wait and see. 
I don't like having no control. 
It makes me feel like I can't do anything. 
And what good has what I've done... Done?
Hadn't done ANY good. 

Do I go back if I have the chance?
Even when it wasn't any good for me?
Out of obligation?

Do I go my own way and let them go theirs?
Even though I love him?

And can't really see my life without him?
And had to pull myself out of this before?
To try to get back to myself.....
Why is that so hard?

It's so hard to just walk away. 
He's my child, but he's now an adult. 

It's been pretty painful
and been holding on...
In hopes that it might get better
or suddenly he forgives me...
Suddenly he wants his mother back in his life. 
Even though I betrayed him....

I dug myself into a hole....
A hole I can't get out of....

I don't know if I can or how I can fix it.
I might not be able to....
And that's on me....

People tell me to work on myself...
It's like I don't know how to be myself anymore.
Like I don't know who I am anymore. 

Because I was a mother, I still am, 
but I don't get to be anymore. 
Because I am not wanted.

I'm always going to be his mother.
Whether he wants me to be or not.

I thought he'd just be there. 
A part of me.
That he knew I love him....
That he could feel that....
That he knew that all along....

I don't know where to go from here.
Or if there is anywhere to go from here...

I felt like this before, but this time
it's harder than before....

It makes me feel sick.
So much internal struggling....

I don't know what to do about this....

How does someone recover from this?
I don't feel like there is any recovery from this....

I kind of want to know what someone else would do. 
How they would have handled it....
How they would handle it from here
because I really don't know what to do
and I'm so stuck in this....

All that other stuff from last year....
Was nothing compared to this. 

It's like going from heart break to heart break. 
If it's not some guy, it's my own son
breaking my heart....

And I still love my son. I still do. 
I just don't know what to do about this. 

And every time they get upset with me
it's just so easy for them to block me out. 
Pretend that I don't exist. 
They know how f*cking painful that is.

I have to get past that, every time. 
But it's never been like THIS.

I CAN'T EVEN START TO TELL ANYONE
WHAT THIS IS LIKE....

And they still tell me to just move on...
Take care of myself...

It's not like I can live like my life
isn't falling apart.... 
Because it is.... So am I!!!!
Does anyone get that? 
Does anyone understand what I'm going through?
How am I supposed to cope with this?

Living like my life isn't falling apart
is like denying the reality
of what I'm going through.... 

Like "Just have some fun."
"Stay calm."

And people are trying to get me to pull out of this....
If it was just another failed romantic relationship....
Sure, I could get over it. 
But it's not.

Just some guy who didn't find me attractive enough....
Or wasn't sexually attracted to me...
Or wanted a girl who has money....

If it was JUST that.... I could pull myself out of that. 
This hits different because it is different. 

AND IF I LET HIM COME BACK IN.....
HE CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS TO ME.....

I was always happy when he came back
and wanted to work on things with me.
And kept hoping we'd turn this around.
And maybe we could have,
but this was.... Is.... 
Mindblowing.....

This has been hurting me. So much.
I can't even tell anyone....

Because HOW WOULD THEY EVER UNDERSTAND?!
HOW WOULD ANYONE UNDERSTAND?!

IT'S SO EASY FOR THEM TO JUST TELL ME
I NEED TO JUST TAKE CARE OF MYSELF....

AND WORK ON BUILDING MYSELF AND MY LIFE.
DESPITE ALL OF THIS.
HOW CAN I?! TELL ME THIS!!!

HOW IS THIS HAPPENING FOR ME?
WHAT PURPOSE IS THIS SERVING?

Does anyone know how this feels?! Anyone?!
I can't just move forward from this....
Staying stuck in this is killing me.
I just honestly wish I was dead.
But I don't have the guts to just go over to my desk
and grab all those pills....
Then turn on the stereo FULL BLAST
AND PUT A NOTE ON MY DOOR....
"DEAD INSIDE."
And just lay down on my bed....
Listen to the music
until I can't hear it anymore....

BECAUSE IT'S LIKE NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE.

if everyone can turn their backs on me....
Except for ONE friend....

Am I supposed to stay alive just for him?
Just so that he can check in on me from time to time?

And try to talk me out of this state?
Or the next state?
Or tell me why I shouldn't give up?

Because DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW HARD IT IS?
TO EVEN WANT TO KEEP LIVING LIKE THIS?

WHEN I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO BE HAPPY ANYMORE?
WHEN IT FEELS IMPOSSIBLE?

WHEN IT FEELS LIKE THERE ISN'T ANYTHING
TO LOOK FORWARD TO ANYMORE?