Feeling A Little Lighter

Today, I woke up feeling lighter. 
I met someone who has been helping me. 
He gave me some things to say and gave me some hope. 

I made a mess of things. Following bad advice. 
Thinking I was doing the right things, 
but I wasn't doing the right things. 

He needed me to be strong for him. I wasn't. 
When have I been strong for anyone?
When they needed me to be?
When have I been strong for myself?

Someone told me that with all I've gone through, 
it should have made me strong, 
it hurt me, and the pain should have made me strong, 
but it kept me weak because I'm not so good
at handling the pain.... Not everyone is. 
Most of us don't know what to do with the pain. 
all we know is that it HURTS and it can be unbearable. 

And we don't want to live a lifetime of PAIN. 
We suffer so much that we don't want to suffer anymore.
I know that I hit the PEAK of PAIN a bunch of times. 
To the point I contemplated ending it all. 

It's oddly feeling like I'm starting to heal a little bit. 
From a lot of the past pain. 
I realize that not everyone knows what they are doing. Do I? No. 

But those jolts didn't come today. 

It's weird that people want help and support
but they don't want to be the ones to give that. 

It seems easier to see what WE need. 
Than what others need from us. 

Just like how the other people are to blame
NOT us... How can we be? Right?!

It's easier to see where others are wrong, 
not how we are wrong... 
WE ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT!!!

I HAVE TO HAVE SOME HOPE AND SOME FAITH. 
That something will change and work out for the best... 
That I can finally reach the ones I was trying to reach... 
That they will let me reach them.... 
That they will stop feeling threatened and resentful. 

I realize that they resent me
for what I have done, haven't done....

Like how I had resentments towards my mother
for never understanding me, where I'm coming from,
what I NEEDED FROM HER.... 
SHE COULD ONLY SEE WHAT SHE NEEDED AND WANTED. 
BUT I HAVE TO STILL FORGIVE HER
FOR BEING BLIND.

Maybe I will be forgiven, one day. 
My son does have some of me in him. 

I want him to think about and remember
the times I did the right things. 
That I did good things. 

My mother did do some good things, 
but there were so many WTF moments with her, 
where she clearly could not see what she was doing or saying.... 

And I tried to explain to my brother... 
But he didn't want to hear it. 
Didn't want to realize that other people need help and support, too. 
That it's not all about HER, or HIM, or US. 
And it's not all about ME, either. 

I don't know what it was that prevented me
from seeing beyond my limited vision....

I still have a hard time seeing things... A lot of the time. 

But if I saw how things would look to my son, 
I could have maybe chosen another approach. 
I made things so much harder than they had to be.... 
All to learn what NOT to do. 
How NOT to handle a situation. 

It just sucks feeling unappreciated... 
By like 99% of people in my life.... 
But, truthfully, I haven't always been able to
show people that I appreciated having them in my life
and then people gave up on me
and gave up on being in my life... 

There were times I took to long to talk to them. 
Or I didn't see what they needed from me
or what they truly meant to me
until it was too late... 
And I'm the one who has to live with those regrets. 
Those DEEP regrets... 

And a lot of it was about having issues
that don't have to do with them...
Issues that I can't talk about....
Openly, with everyone.... 
And I can only pretend to be okay for so long... 

I planted too many seeds that I didn't want to grow
and I don't know how to pull out the weeds... 
It wasn't about them. 
It was about my stupid insecurities. 
About my fears...

That is why I need to have more faith. 
In people, in myself, too. 
In the Universe to bring me good outcomes. 
To help me. 
But I have to learn some lessons. 
And REMEMBER what I have learned
so that I don't have to learn it over and over and over again. 

One might say that if we learn, truly learn, 
we don't have to try to remember, we just will. 
Because we don't learn until we learn.... 

Anyway, This year and last year....
I've put myself through things that were to teach me things. 
Not that I wanted to go through these things, 
but I put myself through these things. 
I still am, to some degree. 

It's been a struggle. I've been struggling. 
It seems that is the only way I know how to live. 
Like life has always only been a struggle....
Not that I ever wanted to live this way.... 
Not that anyone ever wants to live this way....
But apparently, I make things hard on myself.
And still trying to figure out why I do that....

If I don't have to keep doing that, Why TF am I doing that?
Because that's all I ever did?
Because that's what I got good at doing?
Because that's all I know? WHY?!

Listening to and taking bad advice
lands me in hot water, too. 
I have to figure out what advice is good
and what advice is bad. 
Even if it comes from a place of wanting to help. 
Like I said, some people don't know WTF they are doing.
Or what to do... So they tell me what they'd do
and sometimes that's not what I should have done.... 

And I kept stepping in my own sh*t....
And now I feel stuck.... 

It can be hard to think the way someone else would think
or to see things the way someone else would see things.

That is why people don't seem to understand me.
Because they can't see how things looked to me....

How frustrating it would be.... For anyone.
To try to articulate themselves
to a bunch of people who can only see things
the way they see things, not the way things look to me. 

Like they can't even hear me, no matter what I say... MOST.
There are rare people who do hear me. Because they listen. 
They don't just hear me, they listen to me. 

And just because they remember some things I said
doesn't mean they are listening or that they understand me.... 
Just means they remember some things I said. 

I really want to talk to my son again. 
I want him to know that I know where I went wrong. 
And for him to understand how things have been for me, too. 
And for me to understand how things have been for him, too. 

I know how it feels to feel like I don't have anyone. 
I've been here this whole time, though. 
Even all the times he pushed me away. 
Thinking that I would never understand him, that I don't. 

Maybe I don't get how it is to be a boy. A teenaged boy. 
I still remember what it was like in my teens. 
How it bled into my 20s....
How I'm starting to figure some things out in my 30s. 
Things I wish I had known in my 20s.... 

How easy it is to be overcome with emotions.... 
To the exclusion of other things. 
That are important.... 

How it is important to take care of ourselves, 
or to learn how to take care of ourselves, properly. 
Some of it can be blamed on laziness... Yes. 
But a lot of it was due to not learning how to do
some things.... 
Like how to motivate ourselves.... 

Hard to be and do something you can't or can hardly feel. 
Like feeling unmotivated tends to make us LOOK FOR
external motivation instead of learning how to motivate ourselves. 
To do important things.... 

And although it is 'easier' not to do certain things.... 
Those things tend to f*ck us up and f*ck us over 
in the grand scheme of things. 

And it's hard to tell stubborn people ANYTHING, 
but if we don't learn how to get through to them, 
we might never get through to them..... 

And it makes it easier for them to blame us
when THEY didn't want to learn
and THEY didn't want to listen. 
THEY only wanted to blame us. 

Like "GFY.... But you don't care about me!"
Like "Maybe you would see that I DO CARE ABOUT YOU
if you weren't so busy telling me to GFM."

Is it really a case of people not caring?
Or is it a case of us telling people to GFT?

If you cared about me.... You would have taught me this....
If you had wanted to listen to me
when I was trying to teach you this....
When I told you I would teach you this....
You could have learned that. 
Had you LET ME teach you that....

I used to get frustrated and mad at myself
when I was trying to learn things. 
To the point that people stopped wanting to teach me. 
They didn't understand
that it was more anger directed at myself
for feeling stupid
and not already knowing things
that I should have learned a long time ago. 
That it didn't have to do with them. 
They ran out of patience with me. 
And I had very little to no patience with myself.
But it was hard for me to even tell them that. 
But I see it in others.... A lot. 

But it is easy to get mad at people who give up on us. 
Because we were mad at ourselves. 

Anyway, yes, I have been mad at myself. 
For a lot of reasons.... 

For jumping to conclusions and not trying harder to understand.
BUT at the same time people conclude
that I would never understand
so they stop trying to explain things to me. 
And when I do understand, 
they don't seem to believe that I do....
Because they are already convinced that nobody does.... 
Therefore, they've concluded that it is impossible
for ME to understand.... 
So they just write me off....

I want to be understood just as much as they do. 
Maybe it matters to me even more
because of all the times people didn't get
that I needed more from them. 

At the same time, there are people
who we can't actually expect a lot from
because they don't have the capacity for certain things. 

Someone tried explaining that to me, once. 
When I was trying to explain how heartbreaking it was
seeing my Grandmother suffer
from people's lack of understanding and care for her. 
I was saying how I couldn't understand why they couldn't
understand or why they didn't care.... 
Someone told me that they might not have the capacity
to understand or to care.... 
And although I kind of understand that, 
it hadn't occured to me to think that. 

And that a capacity is something that is developed. 
It's not something that we are all born with. 
At least I don't think that it is.... 

When we try to work with people to develop that capacity, 
they might try to tell us to GFO....
And we have to decide how much patience
we are going to have with them. 
Because we can only be told to GFO so many times
before we just let them try to figure sh*t out for themselves. 

It's that when we let them try to figure some sh*t out
for themselves, a lot of the time... They give up. 
And they don't ever figure it out. 
But they don't want to be TOLD anything
or TAUGHT anything. 
They just want to BLAME everyone
for NOT telling them, and NOT teaching them....
When they TOLD everyone to GFT.

So yeah.... I know what it's like. 
I've been there, too. 
This is why I'm still learning
and still trying to figure some things out on my own....
And still struggling and suffering....
I told people to GFT 
because I was convinced that they didn't know F all.
That they don't know what it's like to be me. 
That they don't know what I'm going through....
That it was easy for them to say this, that, the other thing....
And yeah, I got frustrated. I got angry. 
I pushed people away who were trying to help me. 
And had I been ready to listen, I might have learned something. 
I might be further along now than what I am and was....
But I didn't want to listen. 
Thought everyone was full of sh*t. 
Thought everything was bullsh*t. 
Instead of taking the bits here and there
that I actually needed and actually helped. 

And it helped knowing that people cared. 
Even though I was convinced that they didn't
because the few I wanted to care...
They didn't and don't. At all. 
The ones who were supposed to....
The ones who I wished that they did....
But how can they care if they don't understand?

But I still f*ck up. I still make mistakes...
And I don't know how things can be fixed....
But maybe they can be fixed....
And I hope that they can be fixed...
And it will take WORK to fix some things. 
I didn't react to nothing, but I reacted.
I overreacted in some cases. 
But it wasn't for no reason. 

Two BPDs trying to work with each other.
BPD is like a walking paradox.
Letting people go, but not wanting to. 
Pushing people away, but not wanting to...
Especially when they are the only ones we have....

And it takes someone who is special
to STAY by our side....
Even though we do pretty much everything we can
to push them away for good, 
intentionally or not....

And we keep feeling like we are missing something. 
When we push someone away
and we want them back....
But they don't always want to come back....

Like someone who runs away....
Are not likely to come back, 
but although we gave them the reasons to run away....
We still miss them and wished they'd stayed....

That is what having BPD is like....
And this is why it gets complicated when two people,
who have BPD, are trying to have a relationship.
Of any kind. They both step in their own sh*t. 
And they can blame each other for it....
But at the end of the day....
They don't have to keep doing it.
They just can't seem to help it or themselves....

They do love each other, 
but they repel each other at the same time...

Because they want to be close, 
but they don't want that, at the same time. 

And the wanting to be close is there....
But the not wanting it is there, too. 

Hence the walking paradox....

But it's that BOTH want to be UNDERSTOOD.
"WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!"

AND INSTEAD OF HELPING EACH OTHER UNDERSTAND...
THEY JUST WANT TO BE UNDERSTOOD....
AND MAYBE THE CAPACITY TO UNDERSTAND
ISN'T FULLY DEVELOPED....

I learned from a LOT of times that I wanted to be understood
by my FAMILY..... That I really can't expect F all from them. 
They are not ABLE to understand me. Period. 

And I used to blame them for a lot of sh*t
because of their INABILITY to understand me. 

And I also look like I don't understand them....
But I understand a lot more than they think I do. 
But their selfishness isn't an excuse
for them to not TRY to understand me. 

But it just makes things harder. 
Because both FEEL misunderstood. 

Like when I WANT to do the right thing, 
and end up doing the wrong thing....

They just see me doing the wrong thing, 
and they don't see me WANTING to do the right thing. 

And when two people TRIGGER each other...
Or trigger old sh*t.... That doesn't help.

Like even if it is possible to fix things, 
we don't tend to forget those things.