Before The Catch Up

Still trying to have some hope that things will work out.
Not sure or guaranteed that things will work out....
I can't see how to get past the report. 
I feel like that was a mistake. 
But I took that action. I can't undo that. 

I can see how it looked, all of it. 
It doesn't look good on me. I failed. 
I probably wouldn't be happy about it, either. 

I tried to apologize over and over and over again. 
I don't know how to make it right. 
Maybe I can't. 
But it isn't up to me. 

And it bothers me. 
I have an appointment coming up soon. 
So I can talk about it with a professional. 
And see what they say. 

It's just that this wasn't planned or anything. 
I didn't go there to write the report. 
I went to get advice, they told me to write it.
Every time I took advice about this, it blew up in my face. 

All I want is my son back....
To be able to sit down with him, talk, watch a movie with him... 

Work on some things with him....
Have him back in my life... 
And now, I don't think that I can.

It's been killing me, draining me. 
Every single separation.... 
Not knowing if I'd ever have him back in my life... 
Trying to live my life.... Without knowing.... 
And this time, it does not look likely. 

I want forgiveness. If only that, I'll take that. 
For some peace of mind.... At least.

Nothing I did... Did any good. 

I want to restore what we had... 
That's all I ever wanted to do, but I ruined it. 
Any chance that it could have been restored... 

I love him, and I miss him. 
It's just been a complicated situation. 
Made worse by me, though. 

Made it seem like I'm against him. I'm not. 
I just wanted him to get some help, 
but what I did wasn't helping and didn't help. 
I made things worse. 

And I can't make it better by explaining why I did it. 
Because it doesn't really matter why I did it. 

I don't know where to go from here. 
I really don't. 

I'm probably not going to hear from my son again. 
It's been hard to take this. 
My actions pushed him away and I should have 
thought about that before I did what I did. 

Lots of questions and stuff in the air. 
No answers.... 

Like I can't just act like I didn't do that. I did.
So I don't know how to recover from that.
Or if I even can.... 

Anyway, I went over this a bunch of times. 
I'm starting counselling soon. 
It might help. So I'll give it a try.

Had a dream that my son's father answered his phone
when I called him. And spoke with me. 
Pretty sure he wants nothing to do with me, either. 

I had been freaking out, worried about our son. 
The police were called. 
They came to his door to do a wellness check. 
Because they were not answering the door when I went there.

I miss my son so much. 
A couple of people were trying to give me some hope. 
It helped a little bit...

They said that when my son gets older
and comes into his own, 
that he might come forward to talk to me again. 

The last time my son was on his email account
was on my birthday. 
Maybe he was thinking about reaching out to me. 
He hasn't been on there since. 
I can only see when he was last active on there. 

Anyway, I have to try to get my mind off this. 
I've been running myself into the ground with it. 
I can't do anything about what I did, how I reacted....
I can't do anything about their reactions to my reactions....
I kept trying to reach out. 

My friends tell me to give him space. 
And to stop poking it and stop poking him. 
I tried to explain why I did what I did. 
I tried praying, and still do, sometimes. 
I'm going to go to counselling. 
I'm going to try to get on a waiting list 
to get other counselling.

I'm trying to get into therapy, too. 
I'm trying to work on other things, too. 

I got an email from my son today....
Saying he wants nothing to do with me. 
The report f*cked any chances at that.

He thinks it will show up on any background checks. 
Was told that only convictions show up on background checks.
He wasn't convicted of anything. 
But he does not want to talk to me anymore
or have anything to do with me anymore. 

I should have thought about it before I did it. 
Everything I wrote in the report is true. 
And I wrote it because I was scared.

Anyway, I have a bunch of catching up to do....