Would It?

I don't even know anymore. Did I ever? Did I know?
WTF do I know? 
Do I know how to sustain a relationship?
Do I know how to even feel secure within myself?
Do I know how to talk to people?
Do I know how to be normal?
Or even feel normal?

Nothing will be the same, again. Nothing. 
I can't go back to when I didn't know. 
Or when things were easier, better. 
But when were they? When we were happier?
When we sat down together and watched Newhart?
That was special to me. He seemed to like it. 

We took the trip to Niagara Falls. 
We were given room 217. 
That was around the time the 217 thing started. 
I started seeing it everywhere. 

That trip was special to me, too. 
We had a nice time together. 
We were supposed to have a good birthday trip. Together. 
It would have been good for the both of us. 

After that, I couldn't get him to come with me
for a walk to the place we used to go to feed the birds. 

I know he's angry because of the pain. I get it.
Both can subside, if he lets it. 

What bothers me is that he chooses not to care. 
I get that we don't have to care about everything, 
but there are some things we must care about. 

And how he's trying to rationalize his thinking. 
When it is irrational. It is.
But it's like he wants to have loopholes
to support his beliefs. 
And when I don't agree, I'm not listening to him. 
When I heard what he said. 
I don't agree with it. What's wrong is wrong. 
No matter how he tries to spin it. 
And I've been trying to get through to him. 
And his dad is supposed to be setting him straight, too. 

And I'm just always going to be blamed for everything. 
And yes, a lot was my fault. 
It's not entirely my fault, though. 
What is my fault is my fault.
What isn't, isn't.
I'll take the blame for what's my fault. 

One friend says I need to stop beating myself up over the past. 
It's not going to change anything. It's not. 
Seeing where I went wrong is a special kind of hell. 
Seeing how I failed my son. 
Seeing how I've been failing myself, 
and failing at life. 

It just makes me mad at myself. Really mad at myself. 
I've had a lot of issues to face. A lot. 
A lot of ugly things about myself. 
A lot of things I didn't want to see. 
And wish weren't there. 
I wish I hadn't f*cked up like I had. 
That I had used the time I had, the right way. 
I wasted it. I didn't use it the right way, when I had it. 

I feel like I wasted other people's time, too. 
It isn't a good feeling. At all. I feel sick. 
Sick of myself and just sick that I wasted so much time. 
Sick that I did the things I did.
And didn't do the things I didn't. 

I know you're getting sick of hearing this. 
I just feel it so deeply because I can see it. 
I can see it had a negative impact on my son. 
That I have. I want to pound myself for that. 
Never intended on that. 
Always wanted to be close with him. 
Sent him the wrong messages. Didn't realize it. 
Being so f*cking blind makes me sick, too. 

I know he holds a lot against me. A lot. 
We didn't get to have the relationship we both wanted. 
And we're both emotionally immature. 
Which does not help either of us. 
When I first met his father, I was 16. 
His father was 30. He hates the age difference
between his parents
and thinks badly of his father because of it
and feels that he shouldn't be here. 

I wasn't ready for a relationship
and was my first serious relationship. 
I thought I was ready, but I wasn't ready. 
I fell in love so fast. 
And I thought he was the one. 
And maybe had I been older, 
we could have made it work. 
Had I not had all these emotional issues, 
maybe we could have made it work. 
Had we been able to really talk about things, 
maybe we could have made it work. 

But it wasn't the typical relationship. 
Obviously a 16 year old doesn't know
what it is to be a 30 year old. 
30 is when I quit drinking. 
And he was embarrassed to be dating me. 
Didn't really want to be seen with me
so we hardly ever went out anywhere together. 

And after our son was born, I wanted to get married. 
Even though I wasn't happy in the relationship
because I guess we couldn't really relate or talk. 
He was there for me in some ways, though. 

I feel like I was manipulative in trying to get what I wanted. 
Maybe I did that subconsciously
because I really wanted what I wanted. 
And I knew no other way to get what I wanted. 
But I realize that I didn't need what I wanted. 
I was being very selfish. And not thinking very far ahead. 
I was thinking of survival and not about how to thrive. 
Wasn't thinking about how to live, just how to stay alive. 
And I definitely haven't really felt alive. 
For a long time, if ever. 

And I'm not using any of this as any type of excuse.
This is just background story into my past. 
I can't justify things by saying:
"This is what state I was in at the time."
Because it's not the state that dictates what we do. 
And what we don't do. 

I wasn't into guys my own age. 
They were too immature for me, 
but at the same time, I was too immature for an older guy. 
And too immature to make the best choices for myself. 
And too stubborn to realize it. 

When I was 16, my mother basically pushed me out
of my Grandmother's house and I was on my own for the first time. 
That is when I met my son's father. 
He was helping me out. I did a number on him.
Because I wasn't happy and thought that my happiness was elsewhere. 
And it felt like it wasn't progressing with him and I. 
And had all these beliefs that were false. 
That really were not serving me, at all. 
Beliefs that lingered with me for a long time. 
Until I realized that things weren't really the way
that I thought they were, all that time. 

A lot of my beliefs were weighing me down, too. 
And I didn't and couldn't see that, either. 
Some of them are still weighing me down. 
And my fears are weighing me down. 
And things I couldn't see. 
Like what I was doing and how it looked. 

Basically, I wanted the love that I never got. 
And I kept looking for it. 
Even though I had something. 
And I couldn't make it better or fix it. 

And now I feel like I could lose it all, easily. 
And that is part of the reason why I stopped building. 
Because I could lose it all. 
And that would crush me. To get to a higher ground
just to DROP on my face. 
Or GET dropped on my face. Or worse. 

Because of my past. Because of my mistakes. 
Because of how I was being and how I was.
Because if I was actually smart, 
I wouldn't have been that way. 
I would have been able to see how I was. 

And that my past will be held against me
for the rest of my life
and just ruin everything that comes along. 
And that I have to reveal the ugly
and be like: "Do you still want to stay?"
"Can you still see some good in me?"

And all my stupid bad habits.... 
And all my stupidity... 
Will just be seen as "A***'s still learning."
"A*** didn't learn when she should have been."
"A*** couldn't think straight enough to learn."
But these are not excuses, either. 

Had I learned when I should have learned, 
things would have been a lot different today. 
I probably would have had a different impact on my son. 
I would probably be a lot happier. 
Had I acted differently, had I been different. 

And how do you say to someone:
"I'm sorry that I don't know how to show you the love
that you need me to show you."?

And how do you expect them to understand 
what that even means? 
How I wish that I could. 
How it's not because I don't or didn't want to not show it
in the ways I needed to show it. 
It was always something felt. 
But there are ways to express that. 
So that they understand what it means. To love. 
And that's the biggest fail with my son. 
I couldn't show him that I love him. 
So he stopped believing that I love him. 
Even though I told him all the time. 
Which hurts, but I can't explain it to him. 
It feels like I can't explain a lot to him. 
And his father isn't helping with that. 
Because he has the same issue with his dad. 

And I bet a lot of people have this issue. 
Where they don't know how to show love. 
Even though they feel it. 

And then people think that they don't feel it
because they don't know how to show it. 

And I guess people can learn how to show love. 
It's sometimes that they feel it, 
but don't know how to show it. 

And I WASN'T trying to get my son help
to show him that I love him, and that I care about him, 
but he wouldn't have looked at it that way
even if I had been.... 

The way I feel about what was told to me.... 
It just makes me feel sick and I can't take it. 
And I don't know what to do about it. 
I told his father, I told the police, 
the police told a doctor. 
I told a few of my friends. 

I only have a small window to get some help for him, 
but he doesn't want to get help. 

What do you do when you know he needs it and doesn't want it?
Until he turns 18, and he can't get it unless he gets it himself?
Will he if he doesn't want to?

And he needs an intervention. I intervened. 
It wasn't appreciated. At all. 
Because he looked at it like I was doing it TO him, 
not doing it FOR him. 
But he hadn't asked me to do it.... 

And I still feel like I need to see if there are any options. 
And someone to talk to his father to get him the help. 
Because his father won't listen to me. 
My son won't listen to me. 
How can I do what I need to do, as a mom, 
if they won't listen to me?

But is it seen as trying to be controlling
just because I'm trying to get help for my son
when he isn't wanting it?

He needs it. Years of being unable to express himself.... 
And not learning how to express his feelings... 
And turning his feelings off.... 
It's not looking good. 

And I didn't realize this issue I have
would impact my son like this. 
Maybe I thought that eventually, he'd understand. 
That I had a childhood, too. 
That I'm still maturing, too. 

And yes, I should already have been mature. 
I should already be mature.
And secure. And all of that. 
I should already be. 
And he sees that I'm not. 
And maybe that shifted his world views. 

And I realized a while back that 
I wasn't going to have the relationship I wanted to have
with my mother because there are ways
that she hasn't matured and probably won't
because she refuses to see it. 
She's holding onto it for the rest of her life. 

And there are ways we think we are more mature 
than our parents. Whether we are or not. 

And because there are times I don't get to express something
in the way that made sense to express it, 
in the way that might have expressed something unintentional, 
because it's like I have to explain myself
for anyone to make sense of me or what I do or why I do it. 
Because I'm almost always misunderstood. 
It makes expressing things even more frustrating. 

Because somehow I make something seem like
it was something it never was. 
And how do you come back from that?
It just makes me look and feel f*cking crazy. 
And that makes it even more frustrating. 

So learning things hasn't come easy.
It's been like I've been standing in my own way, all the time. 
And just digging myself into a hole. 

And I'm just really tired. But I have to keep trying
and keep learning so that I learn this time. 
How to become normal. 

And yeah, I f*cked up my son. 
His father f*cked him up, school f*cked him up, 
he's been f*cking himself up.... 
Because I'm f*cked up, school's f*cked up, 
his father is f*cked up,
and he's being a product of his environment. 

And I could have given him a better life. 
And not f*cked him up, not let his father f*ck him up.... 
Not let the school f*ck him up.... 
Not let him keep doing this sh*t to himself. 
I never wanted any of that for him. 

And I really just want to get him some help. 
And I really need to get some help. 
I've needed help a long f*cking time ago.
So has he.... 
He started having issues at 7, 
but I didn't see the signs. 
He wasn't telling me. 
I didn't know. 
His father got him when he was 8
and nothing ever got addressed. 
And now he's going to be 18. 

And my friends keep telling me that I need to live my life. 
And I know my son doesn't have much of a life. 
And that's because I didn't give him a better life. 

And I can't even say that it's because of my sh*t life
because it was up to me to make things better for him. 
And I didn't. I couldn't. But I could have tried f*cking harder. 
Instead of wasting so much f*cking time. 
On stupid sh*t that was never worth it. 
Because I was being selfish. And stupid. 

All the while wanting a relaionship with my son. 
Trying to have one. He tried, too. A times. 
Until that 2 year stint. 
When I didn't think I'd hear from him again. 

And I felt a huge void there. 
Like the void when his father got custody. 
And I thought he would take care of him
while I tried to work out my issues. 
While he hasn't been helping my son work out his issues.

And I felt like if he wanted to talk to me, he'd call. 
I had to stop calling him because he wasn't answering the phone. 
Neither of them were and I had to just try to live my life. 
And feeling like I'm failing in my life
the whole time I couldn't talk to them. 

But any time they could have called me. 
Even to tell me that they were doing alright
or whatever. But they don't owe me that. 
I'm on the outside, after all. 

But I see how things got for a few years. 
Before my son went to live with his father. 
I needed his help, more than he was around. 
And he was mad at me for asking him to leave. 
And everything that came before that, I'm sure. 
And no, he doesn't owe me anything. 
But my son learned to treat me the way he does. 
But I hadn't treated his father kindly in the end. 
I already got more than I deserved after we separated. 
He's been pretty generous, as it was. 

My son adopted his views of me, though. 
That much I know. 
And I'm sure he had some of his own. 
From the time we did spend together. 
And the times I had tried to help him. 
And all the times I failed with him. 
Those didn't put me in a better light. 

Just like all the times my parents failed with me
didn't put them in a better light. 

But I still know right from wrong. 
I lack impulse control, apparently. 
I still act impulsively. 

And there is a difference between impulse and instinct. 

Anyway, this is part of what makes me immature. 
Like saying things without thinking about it, first. 
Doing some things without thinking about it, first. 
Like I'd get the impulse to go to the bar
when I should go straight home after classes. 
Or do any habitual things I did. 

And it makes me feel like I have to love people from afar. 
Because it always looked like I didn't love anyone I loved. 
Because I couldn't express it in the ways they needed me to. 
And the ways I should have been. 

And I didn't try to keep him
so that he'd have a sh*tty life. 
Because I didn't intend to give him a sh*tty life. 
But I could have given him a better life. 
And so could his father have. 
And I thought he would have. 
But he isn't. Because he hasn't gotten help. 
And all of this is my fault because I tried to keep him. 

And that is a pretty sh*tty feeling. It really is. 
Even though you did your best, A***, 
you still f*cked up, you still ruined everything, 
YOU did!
Like everything good in my life, 
that was supposed to be good... 

And maybe I don't want what I ruined
to ruin anything else. 
And if it ever does, it's my fault, too. 

Anyway, I can't even start to tell you how it feels. 
Or anyone. I can't. 

The frustration of being constantly misunderstood. 
And these other things going on... 
Heavy realizations.... Being stuck in it.... 
And feeling like sh*t about everything. 

And when I caught myself falling, 
I had to sabotage it, by giving an out. 
But I had to be honest about it. 
How I felt, and about a couple other things, 
and about myself. 

I couldn't just pretend to be something I'm not. 
I had to reach this state, but I can't dwell on sh*t
that I can't change. 
What good will that do?
Can I change who I was? Or can I change who I am?
Can't change who I was. I can change who I am. 

We can't just say: "I'm am like this
because all this stuff happened to me."
A lot of the stuff happened FOR us
so that we can learn to overcome it. 
We can't blame our parents for how we turn out. 
We have to make better choices for ourselves. 
But yes, making better choices can be taught, too.

"I'm like this because of my mother...." Nope.
I subconsciously learned things from her, 
but I could have learned better. I still can. 

"I'm like this because I had these bad experiences." Nope.
I can overcome my bad experiences. 

I feel stuck in this failure feeling. 
Because these are things I needed to be teaching.
And can only try to teach if I can reach him, now. 
I f*cked up the opportunity that was given to me. 
The opportunities that I had. 
That I missed because I f*cked them up. 

He should have been with me, but I should have been ready. 
And I shouldn't have exposed him to the things he was exposed to. 
And he shouldn't have been exposing himself to the things
that he's been exposing himself to. 

And his dad isn't watching him to see what he's up to. 
He didn't know the stuff I told him. 
That I was told. 
My son trusted me enough to tell me those things. 
But obviously, I have the responsibility to do something
about those things. 
And because I did, my son doesn't trust me. 
But I'd rather do what I have to do. 
The problem is that they sent him back home. 
Because he just wanted to go back home. 
And his father doesn't know how bad it got
so he's not advocating for him to get help. 

Like my son could be saying stuff to get attention, 
or he could be seriously thinking about stuff
that he shouldn't be thinking about. 

And I'd rather his thinking be questioned. 
And I'd rather him question his own thinking. 
But it took me a long time to do that.
It took me so long to see things. 
Will he do it? Will he see things?
These things? About himself?
He and I are not so different. 
Except I know better in a lot of regards. 
He thinks he knows better. 
And he has a lot of stupid thinking going on. 
And I'm not feeling the same I used to feel. 

When things opened up for me more, 
other things opened up for me. 
Things can open up for him, 
but it depends on how he's going to look at everything. 
And how he chooses to. 

And I'm having a hard time with some things he's said. 
That I really didn't and don't know how to address. 
That really needed to be addressed. 
A long time ago. 
And had these things been addressed... 
Things might not be like this. 

I'd have my son in my life. Wouldn't I?
He'd love me, wouldn't he?
For being what he needed me to be for him. 
Wouldn't he?

He wouldn't be into that stuff. 
He would have some feelings
instead of shutting them off. 
But he chose to do that because of the pain. 
Because he doesn't know what to do with the pain. 
Or with his anger. Which scares me. 
My brother's anger scares me and empathy.... 
What my brother said bothers me. 

Like I don't think that way. 
If I ever got angry, I'd yell. 
I wouldn't hurt anyone. Ever. 
I could have hurt my brother, 
he could have hurt me. 
It was a level I hadn't been at in a really long time. 
Can't even remember how long, 
but I haven't ever wanted to hurt someone like that
and any time I ever went there, I never did it. 

If anything, I loved to break glass. 
Somehow it satisfied me until I realized
that I didn't have to even do that, 
I had to work on not being angry about things
that I didn't have to be angry about. 
But I still found myself getting angry
about things that I didn't have to be angry about.

Like all the disrespect from that guy. 
When I was the one who apprently expected too much. 
Should I be angry because he didn't meet my expectations?
And maybe people are angry at me
because I didn't meet their expectations. 
And people think we are angry at them
for not meeting our expectations. 

I used to think that about people. 
That they were mad at me for not meeting their expectations. 
And feeling like they shouldn't expect a hell of a lot out of me. 
And feeling like I expected more out of myself, 
but I didn't get to reach my potential
because it's been hard being separated from my son.
Not getting to be the mother I wanted to be. 
Or that he wanted me to be. 
Not getting married. 
Not having the kind of life I had wanted. 
Not being the person I wanted to be. 
That's why we shouldn't wait to do it.

Been really held back by how I feel about everything. 
And feeling stuck in this. 
I know it's holding me back. Big time. 
"You can't do anything about
what you didn't have
or what you wanted
or what you didn't get to do..."

And been holding myself back on
what others are doing and feeling like everything is my fault
because he needs someone to stop him from doing things. 
Making huge mistakes. 
If he's not talking to his dad, is his dad going to know?
If his dad doesn't know.... 
How is he to talk him out of it?
That was supposed to be my job. 
Did I take the right approach? Probably not. 
How do you approach this?
Having to trigger some empathy.... 
That he should already have. 
That I thought he had. 
Because there were some things he used to care about. 
And if he didn't care, it wouldn't hurt him. 
But caring about how he feels
is different from caring about how others feel. 

He doesn't care how I feel
because he knew what he said was going to hurt me
but he said it anyway TO hurt me. 
Because he was mad at me. 
Because I thought I was doing the right thing. 
The reasons were the right reasons, 
but it wasn't the right time or right way. 
And I can see that. 

It looked a certain way, but wasn't meant to. 
It was just a check, at first. 

But the other stuff needed to be addressed. 
Because it needed to. A long time ago. 
And I don't think his father addressed it in the right way, either. 
May not have addressed it at all.
It's not going to address itself. 

Like my issues were not addressing themselves. 
My son's issues, that I wasn't aware of, 
were not being addressed. Still aren't. 
Even the ones I'm aware of. 
That he made me aware of. 

And I have a bunch of issues that I need to address
like addressing this issue. 
Addressing that I don't know how to address it. 
And having a few ideas but not sure
if I should go through with it. 
Or just wait for him to change his mind on his own.
Which he might not. 

But if he talked to someone
who's been through some of what he's been going through
maybe it might be enough to really help him. 
And if I can find someone who will talk to him
who he'll listen to, he might have a better shot at life
than not talking to anyone, even to me. 
He trusted me, but I had to address what he told me. Still do. 
I can't just not address it. 

I don't know how to address this. 
Never thought I'd have to address anything like this. 
Probably not the way that I tried to address it. 
How should I have addressed it?
"I prefer if you don't do that?"
"Stop doing that!"
"Don't do that" ?
"Promise you won't do that"?

Would any of those work?