Wasn't The Right Thing

 It's still frustrating. Wanting what I can't have. 
Thinking that there might still be a way. 
Something I haven't thought of. 
Something that he needs, but not from me. 
Something he doesn't have to know that I got for him. 

Thinking I can do something that could change everything, 
but not knowing what to do. 
And doing something might make me feel better. 
Even though the last thing I did
wasn't the right thing. 
Even though I was told that I did what I was supposed to do. 
Even though my son saw it differently. 
Even though his father saw it differently. 
Now they see me differently. 
And refuse to see me at all. 
Because they think I don't care what it looked like to them. 
I wasn't aware what it looked like to them. At the time.
I was upset in the situation, too.
What am I supposed to do? Just let it slide?
Try to forget? And can I just try now?
And not do anything?

It's that I did some things in the past
And I didn't see how it looked.
Until much later.
And I did those things.

And had I done nothing about other things?
And if I do nothing?
Because I hadn't done enough in the past....
And look where I am now.... 

With an angry teenager. Who won't talk to me. 
Because he's upset about what I did. 
I can see why he's upset with me. 
Can't change it, though. 
Anything that already happened
and I am having a hard time accepting who and how I was.

I know, saying it over and over again
isn't going to change that, either. 

I've been having a hard time getting through to him. 
But I can see why. At times. 
What he needs is someone to talk to
besides his parents, who will be good for him. 
Who he will listen to. 
Who he might take after. 

Like all the times I looked weird
and looked awkward, and looked stupid
is why people won't take me serious. 
And the times I screwed up.... Of course.

Like the more I wait to figure out what to do
and the less I feel like there is anything I can do
the more I want to do something about this
and I feel that it is up to me.
Like I HAVE TO do something about this.
Because he's MY son. 

And I feel like he doesn't want me to. 
And others tell me to let him make his own choices. 

So I'm stuck in between these two. 

If I do nothing, then what?
If I do the wrong things, then what?
Welp, you already did the wrong things, A***.
That's why you are where you are!

Is not doing anything the wrong thing?!
Is leaving it up to his father the wrong thing?!
Is leaving it up to him the wrong thing?!

Not is you trust them... Should I?
Not if you have faith in them.... Should I?
Should they have faith in me? Do they? 
Why is that, A***?

Because you didn't do enough?
Because you didn't do the right things?
Or say the right things?
Because you didn't know what to do or say?
So you said nothing?

I keep trying to reach out and I'm not getting anywhere. 
I had many chances. 
I got ghosted a few times. 
The longest was 2 years
where I wasn't sure if I'd see my son again. 
And I keep getting put back here
where I'm not sure if I'll see him again. 
This time, I really don't know. 
He's mad at me, his father is mad at me. 

It's really weighing on me. 
I have to try to live my life, but it's hard knowing
that I might not get to see my son again,
and that he's mad at me,
and that he's ghosting me again. 

I get into a major depression when this happens. 
It takes me a really long time to get back to who I am. 
I know that I'm not just a mother. 
But it is an important role in my life. 
At the same time, I hadn't always done my best at that role. 
I still feel like I should be doing something. 
For someone who doesn't want me?
Doesn't want me because I keep doing the wrong things... 

I sacrificed a friendship, too. 
Why do I keep losing anything significant in my life?
Why do I keep sabotaging myself?
Only to keep feeling like this? Why? It makes no f*cking sense. 
I don't want to feel like this anymore. 
Maybe why I keep grasping at people I don't want to lose
which makes me lose those people I didn't want to lose. 

It's been really f*cking hard. Really hard. 
Feeling alone in this world really f*cking sucks. It does. 

Do I keep getting rejected because I keep fearing it?
And there are people who kept pushing me
to make me reject them. Why?
To see if I'd stand by them or walk away?

And I've seen me do that, too. 
To see if someone would stand by me or walk away. 
To see if they'd reject me and they did. 
And that was on me. 
Because if I hadn't, would they have walked away?

And they can see things about me
that I wasn't ready to admit. 
That maybe I had some reasoning that was unreasonable. 

I can see where I went wrong in some ways. 
It's not always about what others are doing to me. 
I've had my own stuff. 
Stuff I wasn't seeing or realizing because I was busy
with my opinions and my reasons,
and my judgements. 

And one of my biggest fears is judgement. 
"They're going to think this of me.... 
They're not going to want to keep talking to me...."
And then they do and they don't. 
But maybe they wouldn't have had I not opened my mouth
and told them things about me that
most people would look down on.

And what do you say to someone
when you want them to come back
but there isn't anything worth them coming back for?
For more of my sabotaging moments?
When I need some reassurance?
When my anxiety is so high
that all I want to do is talk to them?

And knowing that they don't want to talk to me anymore
actually gets the anxiety higher?
Even the thought of them not wanting to talk to me anymore... 
Gets my anxiety up so high
which increases the chance that I'll grasp at them. 

And if I knew... Without a doubt, that everything was okay.... 
I'd definitely feel okay. 
But when things change so f*cking much
and everything is upside down, 
yeah, I feel f*cking upside down. 

And people don't like that. They don't want to be around
people who feel upside down all the time. 

And I feel like I need them to be free. 
Even though I still want them in my life. 
It's hard to explain this
and hard to feel like this.

Wanting them to be happy, 
but wanting them to be happy with me, 
and wanting to be happy with them. 

But they feel me depending on the connection to be right
or whatever to be happy. Or something. 

But I had that happen to me, too. 
When others resented me for not giving them what they wanted. 
And that didn't make me want to give them what they wanted. 

Like when my ex wanted to get back together after he hit me. 
And I compromised and said we could be friends, 
but he wanted the relationship back
and started getting resentful to me
because I can't give him another chance to hurt me like that. 

And the fight we had was based on me getting resentful
about how we were supposed to be working together
and he didn't feel like doing the work
that he was supposed to be doing. 
And every time I had to get supplies or something, 
I'd see him sitting down, when we both had work to do. 
It started building up and building up and building up. 

And I didn't feel like I had to like bribe him to go back to work. 
Just wanted to get the work done, and go home. 
So we could go back home to the new bed we'd just bought. 
That had just arrived that day.... 

And every time I let people just get away with
not doing what they should be doing
they just do it more, but they do not want to be told what to do. 
And yes, I get stubborn and defensive, too. 
When I got called out on my sh*t. 
But what is true is true. 
No matter how much the truth p*sses me off. 
If I'm being lazy, then I'm being lazy. 
If I have work to do, I have work to do. 
But I can't control how anyone takes how I say anything, 
but there are ways to approch things that work. 
It's about learning about what works and what doesn't. 

Some things work with me and some things don't. 
Just like with other people. 
Some things work with them and some things don't. 
And sometimes the things that work with me
do not work with them. 
Sometimes the things that work with them
don't work with me. 

And if I get another chance with some people, I'm lucky. 
Sometimes they are lucky to get another chance with me. 
Are they, A***? Because wtf do you have to offer?
Your ego trips? Your unawareness?
Your depression? Your fears? Your anxiety?
Your ineptitude? Your insecurity? Your instability?
WTF makes you think you're worth anything?
WTF can you offer anyone?!?!

And that whole thing like: "Maybe there is something good in me."
That maybe someone will see in me
and they'll help me bring it out of me.... 
And then we'll go far together.... 
Is a F*CKING FANTASY. THAT'S IT. THAT'S ALL. 
ALL IT EVER WAS.

Because maybe they see how hard I try
and how hard I struggle, how stuck I've been.... 
Maybe they see something in me
that they could love, for a while... IDK.

"If you doubt your power, you power your doubt."

And I'm tired of being blamed for people's issues, that they have. 
Yes, I have some issues. Yes, people have issues with my issues, 
but they also have their own issues
that actually don't have anything to do with me, 
but somehow that is also my fault. 

Like, yes, I'd love to be forgiven for sh*t I did. 
Yes, I'd love to move of from sh*t I did. 
Yes, I'd love to address the effects of the sh*t I did. 
Of how I was, who I was. 

I stopped being that person a long time ago, 
but I still find myself pushing people away. 
And I don't even want to keep doing it. 
I keep thinking:
"They're going to find out who you were, A***.
And they won't like you. They will judge you. 
They're all going to judge you. 
For your poor judgement etc...
For why your life got to be the way it did
because all that sh*t is on YOU.
YOU WERE THE ONE WHO USED TO DRINK.
YOU WERE THE ONE WHO USED TO TRY TO DATE.
YOU WERE THE ONE PUTTING YOUR ENERGY
ALL OVER THE PLACE.
TRYING TO JUST BE HAPPY, FFS.
ARE YOU HAPPY?!?! 

A***, YOU WERE A STUPID 16 YEAR OLD.
YOU WERE A STUPID 18 YEAR OLD.
YOU WERE A STUPID 20 SOMETHING....

AND WHY TF DO YOU HAVE TO LEARN THE HARD WAY???!!!
JUST SO THAT YOU CAN'T EVER GO BACK
AND FIX ANYTHING?!

Is it love if you need something from it?
"You'll hear from him when he needs something from you...."
Like when I hear from people?
Like my so-called best friend who needed a place to stay
because he waited until when they were selling the house
that they were renting....
Until he had no other options
and I was the only one he trusted.... 
But he can't call me when he doesn't need anything from me?
Just to be all like: "Hey, what's up?"
And he put up with my sh*t, though. 
When I was in that toxic friendship or whatever it was. 
When I still wanted to hang onto it
because how it was in the past... 

But I was f*cking it up, just as they were.
Sabotaging it was a joint effort. 
Even if it wasn't what we wanted to do. 
To the connection or to each other. 

And he put up with me going over it over and over again
like so many other people did, at the time
and they were all telling me to just let him go.... 
And for whatever reason, I couldn't
because we still had a chance to fix things, 
but we weren't taking it
because we were both still mad
and we both wanted things to be another way. 
Other than it was... 

And when we had our friends tell us stuff like:
"Let them go f*ck themselves
for treating you that way...."
And then we get it in our heads that 
"Yeah, GFY." And tried to end it
only to realize that we still wanted it
and still wanted to try to get it to work. 

How many times can we burn a bridge, 
and still try to repair it, to cross it?
Or try to build a whole new bridge
which takes time and EFFORT to build..... 
IF we get to build a new bridge.... 
Which has to be built on both sides. 
Not just from one side to the other. 
If that was the case, you'd have to make sure
that it all doesn't burn when you get to the other side. 
Otherwise, what is the point?

And I don't know how to fix things. 
And most of the time, I don't know if I can. 
Because I f*cked sh*t up. 

And sometimes I think I have the chance
to just start over again, but my past still is what it is. 
But I can't just keep living in it. 

If things had been different then, they'd be different now. 
Like had I not made the mistakes I made....
Things would look different now. 
Things would be different now. 
I'd be different now. 
And if I had been different, things would have been different.... 
So yes, I see how that's on me. 

But the things that aren't on me, aren't on me. 
The choices that I can't make for others. 
That they have to choose on their own. 
That they can't just blame on me. 
Or on everyone else. Or on things that happened to them. 
They have to make choices. 
I had to make choices. Did I make the right ones? No.
I didn't make the right choices. 
But my choices are on me. 

Like my choice, apparently, to give someone
I really liked, still like.... An out. 
And all because I really just needed to know
what he thought of me. 
Because I didn't want him to think badly of me, 
but worrying that he was thinking badly of me
got him thinking badly of me. 
And before I ruin it further down the road.... 
Even though it takes A LOT of me
NOT to try to talk to him. Because I really want to. 
To let him go. To be happy with someone else. 
And not keep trying and trying
even though I have F*ck ALL to give him. 
For any of the kindness or anything they've shown me. 

Even though the thought of not being able to talk to him
anymore... And him talking to someone new.... 
Goes through my mind, a lot. 
Because I see him online
and he won't reply to me anymore, 
won't say anything to me anymore, 
and I have to just let him go. 

Even though had be wanted to walk away, 
he would have. He didn't need me to give him an out. 
He would have taken an out, if he wanted to. 

And all I can think of are all the reasons
WHY he wouldn't want to stick around. 
And that he doesn't, anymore. 
And how everything I actually want
just blows up in my face..... 

"Stop lighting sh*t on fire, A***."

Yes, he could have anyone. 
So why would he want you?
Why can't you just let people move on?
Because YOU  want to be in THEIR life?
Because YOU don't have a life of your own?
Why can't you just let them be happy? Without you, A***?
So yeah, I see him online. 
And yeah, I still want to talk to him. 
But because of how things went down, 
I can't. He doesn't want to hear from me. 
I have to let him want what he wants. 
I have to let people want what they want. 
Even if what they want isn't what I want. 

Were things good when they were good? Yeah. They were.
So why did you ruin that, A***?
Why did you ruin everything?
Why do you make people run away from you?

And I STILL keep trying to reach out to my son. 
Even after he told me I'm dead to him. 
Even after he told me he wants nothing to do with me. 
Even though I might never change his mind. 
I still keep reaching out to him because I still love him. 
I still want to be in his life. 
I still want him to see that he can turn his life around. 
For the better. With or without my help. 

But what I did wasn't helpful. 
How I tried to approach things wasn't helpful. 
How I tried to fix things only lasted so long. 
Things were okay for a while. 
Until they got really heavy 
and it seemed like I was trying to pull a heavy. 
When I only wanted to fix things. 
But I destroyed things. 
So how was that helpful, A***?

Because it was YOU who WANTED to help. 
It was YOU who thought YOU had to intervene.... 
Why did you want anything, A***?
Why did you think you could handle this?
Well can you? Could you?
So why the f*ck did you go there?

YOU WEREN'T F*CKING READY!!!!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!!
YOU HAD GIFTS THAT YOU
DIDN'T APPRECIATE THE WAY YOU SHOULD HAVE!!!!

I feel like I wasted so much of people's time. 
And their effort on me. It feels awful. 

Like the guy I still like... 
I appreciate what he did for me. 
The time and effort for me. 
He probably didn't appreciate the doubts
coming from me and me worrying all the time.... 
And being stressed out about my stuff. 
And not wanting to lose him... 
Even though I never really had him. 
He was there, but never had to be. 
So I was lucky that he ever was.... 

And when I started having feelings or whatever, 
I should have just backed off. 
Because it wasn't fair for either of us. 
He was only trying to help me. 
And it was clear, at the beginning, that it wasn't like that. 
And I knew that. From the beginning. 
So I don't know why I allowed myself to feel that way about him. 
When that wasn't what it was going to be. Ever. 

And I didn't have to pour all my fears out to him. 
Or tell him exactly what's been going on in my life.... 
About the cries for help
that I wanted to answer that I don't know how to. 
That I didn't recognize at first. 

And like everything I did was the wrong thing. 
With everyone. 
Because I wanted to be loved?
What about everyone else?
When I focused on them, I focused on them in the wrong ways. 

Because I can't express how I feel. 
And what I'm really thinking. 
And I can't tell how they feel or think, 
unless they tell me. 
And I needed a lot of people to tell me how they felt
and what they thought when it came to me. 

And I had to stop getting defensive about it. 
I had to face it. The truth of it. 
Even, and maybe especially, when I didn't like it. 

And I still want to tell the people I love that I love them. 
And still try to figure out what I actually need. 
And forget about everything I wanted. With people
who do not want what I want. 
Who do not want anything with me. 
For any reason. Even if it's a good f*cking reason. 

"A***, you're too f*cked."
Go unf*ck yourself.
Then, maybe you'd stand a chance
to maybe get your son back.... 
But he's going to be an adult, so you might never.
He already told you that you're dead to him. 
He doesn't want you in his life. 

Why do I keep holding onto some hope
and keep trying as if there is some, maybe.... 
Because you still love him. You always will. 

And that guy you like... 
Well maybe he did like you. 
Enough to keep talking to you..... 
Enough that he WAS in your corner.... 
But you needed HIM, 
He never needed YOU. For anything. 
There wasn't really anything about you
that he wanted... 
He knows he can do better. And has. And will. 
Whoever he ends up with will be LUCKY.
Just like you were LUCKY that he ever gave you the time of day. 
And what did he get from that? From you?
Nothing. Just your craziness. 

So maybe you shouldn't have been running to him. 
Even when you needed him to set you straight.... 
To tell it to you straight. 
Which he did, every time. 
For what? For you. Not to hear himself talk. 
He did that for you, A***. 
And you're lucky he did that. You f*cking are. 
And that's part of the reason you were scared
to lose him. Even though you never had him. 
Because he wasn't for you to have. 

Such a rare guy... A gem. 
And what did you do, A***?
Can't you see that everything you fear to lose, 
you lose it? When it's not yours to have?

And I know he can do better. So much better. 
Even though he was putting the effort and time into
helping me to get back to myself, 
and helping me sort out my thinking
when it was never his f*cking job.... 
To point out anything that he pointed out to me. 
And it's like if I wasn't so f*cking stupid.... 
I wouldn't need sh*t pointed out to me. 
And I'd have points of my own to make. 

Smart people want to be with smart people.
Why would anyone want to be with someone
who needs sh*t pointed out to them?
Who never learned so much sh*t
that I should already know.... 
About everything.... 

And yeah, maybe I have some potential
but it's going to take so much work
to get me to where I should already be.... 
Because of how f*cking stunted I am.... 
Under-developed. As a person... 

And it's cool when someone sees my potential, 
but when they see how f*cking lost I am.... 
They give up trying to help me
because I need a f*cking MIRACLE.

So this is why I don't jump too deep in
on the spiritual side of things, 
because I need more practicality in my life. 
I need to be able to function
as a functional human being. 
With a good and healthy understanding
of practicality, among other things.... 

Not everything is on the spiritual side of things. 
I can pray, and all of that.... 
But I need to know when to act, when not to. 
How to act, how not to.... 
So I don't F*CK EVERYTHING UP
ALL THE F*CKING TIME.

BECAUSE CERTAIN PEOPLE APPEAR
FOR REASONS. GOOD PEOPLE.
WHY DO I DRIVE THEM AWAY?
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER?

And 'just give it time' is all I keep hearing, 
but time doesn't heal everything.
Or anything, in a lot of cases.
Sometimes things get worse
because you're not actively doing something. 
And you wait too long to do something. 
And you run out of time to do something. 
When you don't do anything....

And my friend told me that anything I try to do
likely won't work right now.
I know this, but I still have the urge to try. 

I keep getting bad feelings. 
Like there are secrets or something, not good stuff.... 
I keep getting those jolts. 
It really does not feel good at all. 
I get scared about what it could be. 

But it feels pretty f*cking strong
and it feels like it's my fault, too. 
Like I didn't see the signs a long time ago. 
Like I traumatized my son by breaking up with his father 
and by trying to date afterwards. 
By not talking to him about his feelings. 
Been trying, but I think he's full of anger. 
Mostly directed towards me. 
For not being the mom he wanted me to be. 
I didn't get the mom I wanted, either. 
We don't always get what we wanted in life. 
But how we handle it is what matters. 

But there were warning signs that I didn't pick up. 
I feel like I made things worse. 
It's not a good feeling, at all. 
And that feeling isn't going away.... I can't sleep.

I wish things were easier. 
I wish that things were better. 
I wish things felt good.
It's not and it doesn't. 

Like all the times I couldn't see. 
And made the wrong choices. 
Didn't give people enough attention. 
And gave my attention to people
who didn't stick around, 
who weren't good for me.
Not to people who needed it. 

And I can't even think about love now. 
I was, but I can't go there. 

Then I felt like I am unlovable. 
And I had to give up on that. 
Because I have some things that I can't talk about. 
That makes me feel insecure. That I can't change. 
That I really wish that I could.
Because I would. I really f*cking would. 
It doesn't feel good, at all. 
It's hard to do much of anything feeling like this. 

So love and all of that.... I can't. 
I felt it, it was nice, I'll miss it. I'll miss him....
I can't go there, now. Too much has changed for me.... 
I can't even tell anyone.... 
And when I do, I feel like that's going to end everything. 
Never thought my life would be like this. 

And I look back on others' lives and I think
that things are going great for them
and I wish I had what they have.... 
And I'm not angry about it. I'm just sad. 
I've accepted most of what happened to me
and adapted to a lot of changes. 

Even things that should have affected me a lot more
just doesn't affect me as much as it affects some people. 

But things I did affects others more. In ways I hadn't seen. 
Because I wasn't thinking about that. 
I guess I thought they'd adapt like I did. 
And that things would get better, eventually, 
but I kept letting them down
and the more I did, the more of those
resentments built in them. Against me. 
And I didn't know it
because they didn't start showing it
until they really started showing it
and I couldn't figure out why. 

Because I kept chasing things. 
Because I wanted to be happy. 
When it wasn't all about what I wanted. 
It's about what others wanted, too.

And when they didn't get what they wanted from me, 
they tend to hold resentments towards me. 
I have done that to others, too. 
Instead of trying to understand why
they might have chosen when they chose. 
Even if I don't understand, they still chose what they chose. 

But I could see why I wanted what I wanted. 
And how it felt that I didn't get that. 
Even though life's not about getting everything we wanted. 
It's also about how we handle how we feel
about not getting what we wanted. 

And sometimes we think all we need is love.
So I focused on that. Missed a lot of other things. 

Just because we love someone
doesn't always mean they feel it, or believe it, or love us back. 
Even the person or people we love the most. 
Because their anger overrides
the love they might have had for us. 
And if they don't tell us why they are angry, 
we might not find out until much later. 
If we ever find out....

I was caught up in my own feelings. 
No excuse, but I was. 
I couldn't even see that. 
I couldn't see so much and now that I can.... 
I want to fix everything and don't know how to. Or if I can. 

I guess we wait for people to tell us how they feel. 
And we don't always explain things to people. 
So we can't expect them to understand
or see things the way we do.

I've been pretty selfish and inconsiderate, 
but I couldn't see that I was.
Telling myself that it was okay to try to live
when I didn't realize what mattered more than that. 

And now I'm paying for it. 
I can see why people are angry with me.
But they couldn't see why I was angry, 
but I couldn't let the anger consume me.
Or make my resentments make me hate people. 
My desire to love was still there. 
My willingness to try to make sense of things was still there. 
My willingness to understand and to forgive.... 

Because I can see things that I wasn't seeing. 
Like nobody's perfect. Life isn't always fair. 
I wasn't addressing myself, my addictions, my behavior. 
My thinking.... My lack of judgement.... 
My expectations....  I wasn't being fair. 

I caused a lot of damage
that I couldn't see I had caused.
And I wasn't admitting to it. 
To my faults....

And I just hoped people would understand why
and forgive me.... 
But if we don't do things we need to be forgiven for
then we don't need forgiveness....