I Don't Find It Funny

 I remember what a doctor said to me, once. 
"Do you enjoy being depressed?"
Because she wanted to push pills on me that I didn't want. 
Had bad experiences with medication and just don't want it. 
Can't just pop a pill and expect all your problems to go away. 
Some can be solved, some can't. 
And I'm willing to bet that most people are depressed
about the problems that they have that they can't solve. 
Not the ones that they can solve. 

I have thought about going on medication for anxiety. 
It was kind of turning me into a zombie, 
but at least I wasn't jumping out of my own skin. 
I took some when I quit drinking. 
I used to drink to cope with anxiety and all kinds of stuff. 
But it is a depressant, alcohol, so it was not helping with the depression. 
So you can see why I can't go back to it. 

Doctors don't ask questions like:
"Are you getting enough sleep? Are you eating well?"
They go for the throat: "Do you enjoy being depressed?"
"Well, if you don't, take these pills
(so big pharm can pay me for doing 'my job.')
They don't ask you if you drink
or how you cope with anything. 
Most people can barely cope because they don't know how to.

PILLS DO NOT CURE EVERYTHING!

Sometimes people need a f*cking lifestyle makeover.
But they get too comfortable with how they've been living
to know that it's part of the f*cking problem. 
But doctors won't tell people that. 
Because their job is to just throw pills at everything. 
"Take these, they'll help you feel better."

Some medication is valid. I'm not knocking it all, 
but some really is not and does not help. 
And when they put people on the wrong medication.... 
That can make things even worse. 
Like Zoloft. How many murder-suicides
will it take to realize that Zoloft is a bad idea?
How many people committed horrible crimes
while being on Zoloft?
Does anyone talk about that? Ever?
I'd like to know how many criminals
who committed serious crimes
were taking Zoloft when they committed those crimes.

People who are strong enough to know that it's the meds, not them, 
people who don't want to give into it... 
They are the ones who don't go through with it. 
But the 'medication' is never looked at as a factor.
In any of the cases because Big Pharm
doesn't want to admit that these pills can actually cause damage.
To people's brains. 

They just want the money. So they line the pockets
of the doctors who get on board. 
And when any of the doctors speak out, 
Big Pharm ruins their careers. 
Or even kills them in some cases.

And when someone is discredited, it takes a LOT
to ever get any credit back. IF it ever happens. 
I know because of how I f*cked up in the past. 
I lost respect. I lost credibility. I lost trust, too. 
I lost a lot more than that. 

Anyway, pills do not cure everything. 
Drinking doesn't solve problems. It creates problems. 
And I wish I had seen that a long time ago. 
I wish I'd seen so much!
But I didn't, back then. 
There's still things I'm not seeing
because I'm blinded by my emotions
and blinded by some fears....

I made a friend a recipient of my life insurance. 
Because he's one of the ONLY people I trust right now. 
He's been one of the only ones there for me
who hasn't run away
or found an excuse to walk away. 
He could have, many times, but he didn't. 

I've been losing faith in humanity lately. 
Like people I thought I knew... I didn't really know. 
And things coming back on me.... That hasn't been good. 
All my mistakes... 

I'm tired, but can't sleep. 
I just wanted to know that someone was going to stay in my corner.
But it's not like people will want to. 
And I had to tell him that there were some things about me. 
Did I have to tell him? Could that have waited?
Now people won't talk to me
and I can't force them to keep talking to me
like we used to talk. 
Once they are done, they are done. I know this. 
Still hard to walk away and let them go. 
And just live like they were never in my life
because they were and they had a big part in my life. 

So that is a transition. From having people in my life, 
to not having them in my life. 
And still wanting them in my life
makes it harder to just accept that they aren't anymore. 
It takes me a long time to even get over something, 
let alone someone.... 
And all those feelings.... Around them. 

But I have to let them go. I have to.
And it's like I'm being forced to, in a lot of cases.

And standing out here, alone, on my own... 
Having to watch my back.... Being scared.... It's scary. 

So this is how things went. 
Not that it wasn't due to my own faults.... It was, 
but it definitely wasn't all up to me. 

There was a lot that was up to me, 
but there was a lot that wasn't. And isn't. 
And that is still really hard to take. Really hard. 

And I really don't know what to say about it. 
Other than I want to fix this and get help for my son. 
But I can't get help for him that he doesn't want. 

Been doing some studying on some conditions. 
I've seen some traits that are there. 
And been wondering the condition of my own brain. 
Like what my true capacity is for normal emotional reactions, etc. 

Because there are times I did and do care, 
but for whatever reason, was unable to show it. 
And there are times and things that got reactions. 
Because, yes there are things I cared about. 
That probably shouldn't have bothered me as much as it did. 
While other things should have bothered me more. 

And not being allowed to confront my parents
about things they did that bothered me, 
or to voice how I felt about it, 
just made me not voice how I felt about it
and made me not confront them anymore.
Because there was no point in it. 
They couldn't see what they were doing, either. 
And they will never admit anything they did was wrong. 
Because in their mind they have the right to do what they want to. 
Say whatever they want.... Whatever. 

I was thinking about this today. 
My mother's reaction to someone getting hurt
isn't "Are you okay?" It's to laugh first. 
Then when she's done laughing, she might ask if you're okay.
I don't find it funny. 
I can see that it hurts, 
and that it hurts that others think it's funny. It isn't.
But I used to laugh at myself if I was falling
when I was drunk and now I don't find it funny. 
I find it stupid. Because it was and it is. 
And I was stupid for thinking it was funny. 
I don't know why I thought it was. It's not.

I've been able to see some things about myself. 
Not everyone can or will. 
It bothers me, but I can see it now.
What of it can I work on?

There are some books that I got,
to see if any of it will be helpful.

I can't say that I have the biggest ego, ever. 
But I do have one. I have been egotistical.
I couldn't see that I was when I was, 
but I can look back and see that I was. 

I can't say that I have the self-esteem to be an ego maniac, though.
Heard somewhere that we all have something on the scale
of narcissism. Something to do with self-preservation. 
Because we have to serve ourselves to take care of ourselves. 
But there definitely is a difference between
looking out for yourself
and only looking out for yourself. 

But there is also having a sense of yourself, 
being full of oneself, and being aware of oneself. 

I heard somewhere that 1 in 100 are psychopaths. 
I also read that like 5 parents every WEEK
are killed by their kids. In America. 
I haven't any stats for Canada. 
But those are pretty freaky stats. 

Some docs I saw... There are kids who have traits
and were tested by psychologists, 
but the psychologists couldn't label the kids
as psychopaths because their brains are still forming. 
Which is why kids shouldn't be tested on medications. 
Because their brains are still forming. 
Kids need therapy, not drugs.

But few kids get the therapy. 
And what if the therapy doesn't work?

Like training a dog and then the dog goes back to its owners
who don't enforce the training. 
I'm not comparing people to animals, 
but I'm saying that if the training isn't enforced, 
on both people AND animals, it gets lost. 

Like things people learn in high school that they never used. 
How many people even remember EVERYTHING 
that they learned in high school?
And how much of it can be translated to working skills?

I guess there were things I hadn't seen for so long
because I wasn't reflecting on it
or the things that were/are wrong with me. 
Not that I didn't know there was anything wrong with me, 
it was that I couldn't admit it and I wouldn't. 
I'd get defensive about it. Why?
Why could I not handle seeing the truth about myself?
Or hearing it? Wasn't it the truth?
So why get defensive about it?

Someone asked me once, why I was being defensive. 
Kind of like pre-empting something. 
Like "I can tell how you might be looking at me. 
Let me try to explain to you before you even get there."
Even though they hadn't said anything. 

Like someone I was with.... He found something outside
of a store and we went inside the store with it. 
And someone looked at him carrying it
and hadn't said anything, but he got defensive about it
like they thought he had stolen it, but hadn't. 
So he felt the need to tell them that he hadn't, 
even though she never accused him of stealing it. 
She only looked at him carrying it. 
Hadn't said anything to him about it. 

I didn't point it out to him, 
but it was like he pre-empted it or something. 
It was an observation I made. 
Made it difficult to reason with him. 
Because he was always defending himself and deflecting. 
Instead of seeing where I was trying to be reasonable. 
Like it was okay for him to say something about something
that he didn't like about how I treated him or something
or how I seemed to be treating him
when all I did was stand up for myself
against how he was treating me. 

But it's like nobody liked it when I pointed out
how they were being unfair or rude to me. 
It was just seen as me overreacting. 
When I said anything about it. 
Like I was crazy for wanting to be treated well.
But no, I'm not just automatically entitled to it. 
But nobody enjoys it when someone is being rude. 

Anyway, I was mean back to him. 
So it wasn't that I was totally all innocent. 
And I never had to be, but I was. 
I just couldn't and wouldn't take any more of that. 
However, I still miss when things were good. 

It was hard to get back to that. 
And there were times we tried to, but it was short lived. 
Because he was doing the same things. 
And I was reacting to it in the same ways.