So.... About hope.
Do we feel hopeful because we start to believe there's hope?
Or do we start to believe there is hope when we feel hopeful?
"We can't put our hope in hope." Someone told me.
And he said it's because people lie.
And that is what we'd call false hope.
I've been given false hope before
and when I brought it up,
they'd say: "You're the one believing it's false."
Which made me feel guilty for believing it was,
but it actually was.
Because there were other things pointing to the facts
and the facts weren't giving me much hope.
I could have some hope for something to happen....
But if it's not going to happen, hoping for it to happen....
Is leading up to disappointment....
Like when we hope that people tell us the truth....
We can hope that they do, but it doesn't mean that they will.
They have to want to. If they don't, they won't.
I'd rather be honest, but...
It's not up to me whether or not that is appreciated or not.
Or if my honesty is being taken for granted...
And as much as "you're giving yourself permission to be broken"
hits home to a degree... Are things not meant to break us?
Are we not allowed to feel how we feel about
what we feel how we feel about?
We don't have to keep feeling how we feel about it...
There was a poem someone wrote about his abuse.
About getting beatings from his father.
And how his father wanted him to cry and feel weak.
And wanted the power to make him cry and feel weak.
The kid started singing "jingle bells"
during the beating and kept singing it after the beating
instead of crying about it
and the father came back into the room....
And they looked at each other
and they both knew that he had no power anymore.
And the beatings ended that day.
Kind of like how I've been beating myself with my mistakes.
And all these losses are breaking my heart more and more.
And when you can tell that someone is grieving,
when people keep leaving...
It makes people want to leave.
Because it's heavy and a weight they don't want to bear.
And the weight of the truth...
And they haven't appreciated what I was willing to give.
The only thing I was willing to give
but I am aware that not just anyone can give us what we need.
And shouldn't be expected to.
And it's not good to have fears.... To be constantly afraid of things.
And to tell everyone what your fears are.
And that you're scared.
And that you're hurting and why....
The less they know, the less they know...
And even when you feel like you need their help
to be able to face your fears....
And helping does feel good......
But to be expected to give certain things
"because I helped you."
Like putting conditions on the help....
But I guess... "Don't give people an out that you don't want them to take."
But I can see where I've had some issues.
And that people have had issues with my issues.
Like all the times I've tried to contact people
who were making it obvious
that they didn't want to talk to me.
And that when I tried to explain how I felt,
they thought it was manipulation when it wasn't.
Like I was trying to make them feel bad
when I just wanted to say how I felt.
And maybe if they could see how I felt,
and cared about how I felt,
maybe they could see how this was for me.
But at the same time, I can see how they felt.
That I was just 'trying to manipulate' them
into feeling bad for me or whatever.
When how they feel is up to them.
How they react to me is up to them.
But can't I tell them how I feel?
They can tell me how they feel, but they don't.
Maybe because they don't want me to feel bad?
When the silence makes me feel bad enough?
But they seem to think of it is that I'm just trying to get my way.
When yes, I'd like things to go well.
I'd like to compromise. I'd like to be included.
And not be seen as some unreasonable person.
Not for people to just jump to conclusions about me.
But I don't have to jump to conclusions, either.
Yes, I still want to have a relationship with my son.
A better relationship.
I even asked him what he thought would make our relationship better.
Because I wanted to give him the chance to tell me
what changes he would like me to make
so that we could have a better relationship.
Instead of not being told and not knowing
what he wanted to change....
But I should have listened to him more.
About what he wanted and didn't want.
And I wrecked it by just trying to do things
the way I thought they should be done,
for the reasons I thought they should be done.
When I should have done something different.
Because I was wrong.
And I get that he's angry with me for not being there
when he needed me to be there
when he had needs I wasn't meeting
because I was trying to meet my needs....
And he wasn't speaking up to tell me he needed me.
And acting like he didn't when he did.
I'm not completely unreasonable.
But sometimes I worry too much
when there's nothing to worry about.
Because I care too much.
And sometimes I made my happiness depend too much
on having something reliable and stable
to feel like I could rely on someone
and feel stable... Or secure.
And for some reason, I thought his father would meet those needs,
but he wasn't meeting his emotional needs.
Just like he wasn't meeting mine when we were together,
but it was my responsibility as an adult.
And nobody ever taught me that.
He hadn't taught our son that.
My son was taught to bottle it up. Which isn't healthy.
It's healthy to express it in a healthy way.
And I know this. I've been trying to teach my son things.
And he doesn't want to listen
because I'm the one who keeps grasping at him
when he pulls away
because I didn't want him to walk away from me.
And that's what ended up happening.
"I don't have to listen to my mom.
I don't have to have her in my life.
She keeps grasping at me."
Because I care and I still want to be there.
Was I supposed to give up and walk away?
But I was being impatient. Due to my fears.
That I wasn't going to be allowed to do what I needed to do.
And it just made me look crazy when I was just scared.
Of losing someone who really means a lot to me.
And I thought that if I kept trying to reach out,
he'd reach back. But it just made me look crazy.
And if I wait and say nothing....
It makes me look like I don't care.
When I've been told to be patient
and let people come to me....
But if they don't hear from me,
they think I don't care about them....
So easy to be misunderstood.
But when I keep trying and trying and trying...
They just resist the f*ck out of me.
Until I stop trying.
And they stop trying because they see me not trying.
But if they had been trying....
And seen I was trying....
We both would have kept trying, I guess.
But I can see why he's been angry
and felt like nobody cares about him.
I tried to show him that I care about him.
If I didn't care, I wouldn't have been so worried
and tried to help him even though he didn't want it.
I wanted to be there. All the time.
Any time he asked me to be there, but he wasn't.
He did come to see me, and stayed over.
Spent some time with me.
We did some things together.
And I was happy with that
because we spent a long time apart.
I missed him, a lot.
He was always on my mind. Always.
He's still on my mind, but worrying isn't getting me anywhere.
And he pulled things to get attention
that he didn't have to pull.
All he had to do was talk to me, tell me.
But I guess he wasn't used to that with his dad.
Because there's stuff he felt he couldn't talk to his dad about.
And stuff he told me and I was happy that he told me some things.
It made me feel like we were getting closer.
And I wanted him to feel like if he wanted attention,
all he had to do was tell me he wanted to talk.
But some things he was telling me were warning signs.
And I had to do something about that,
and I tried to do something about that.
I told his father.
I tried to talk to my son about it.
I tried to get him help (that he didn't want.)
I got pushed away. Yet again.
But I should have stuck to what was working.
But it wasn't always working.
It depends on what kind of mood people are in.
"I'm not in the mood for this or for her."
I get it. Not everyone is in the mood
to talk about issues, even important ones
or to talk to me about them.
But "Are you only going to talk to me when you feel like it?"
About the things you feel like talking about?
If yes, then I guess I'm going to have to take that
or never hear from them again....
But I'd talk to him, even if I was busy.
I'd talk to him if I wasn't in the best of moods.
Talking to him would have probably put me in a better mood.
I wouldn't purposely ignore his calls or texts like he did to me.
I always replied. Always.
There were times I missed his texts, but I always got back to him.
He knew that all he had to do was pick up the phone.
Any. Time. Even if I was sleeping.
I'd wake up and take his call.
If he had to tell me something, he could tell me.
There wasn't always something I could do about it....
But he could tell me.
But I guess he expected me to be able to do something about everything
and I could only do so much without his father's cooperation....
And without his cooperation....
And without proof.
But others were able to do things to me
without proof.
And I wasn't able to stand up for myself....
And if I had been?
Wouldn't my life be completely different?
Wouldn't I?
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