After A While

Been thinking about some things and made some realizations. 

Even talking to someone who has depression.... It takes a toll after a while. 
Like how some people were helping me, or trying to, 
but it wasn't really helping them, 
unless they felt a bit better to be able to help
and make a difference for me. I don't know. 

But it's nicer and better to talk to people who have their sh*t together
and they're like: "Wow! This person has it going on!"
And yes, I admit I am attracted to people
who have their sh*t together
and I turn them off because they see what a mess I am. 
Then they stop talking to me
and start talking to other people
and realize: Wow, I feel better now. 

I'm not writing about how I feel on here for sympathy. 
Or whatever. I just need to express how I feel. 
Holding in a lot of pain.... Just... It doesn't feel good. 
And it doesn't help. At least, it never helped me. 

But I've known some strong people who went through a lot. 
And you'd never know it because they never show it. 

And somehow, they find the strength or whatever
to pull themselves together 
to appear to have it together when they don't. 
Or at least they have it together
enough to appear that they do. 

I read somewhere that it's like 50% of what you actually have
and 50% of what they think you have. 

I guess I'm so honest that I don't leave a lot up to the imagination. 
And I kind of shatter views they might have had of me. 
When they see what I'm really like.... 

And when I try talking about what I'm going through, 
it's to get perspective so that I can maybe see it
in a way that might help me see it differently. 
Because the way I see things isn't the way others see things. 
I could think I'm right in the way I handle something
and others might tell me I did what they would have done, 
but then I think of it and see it in another way
and I think: "Should I have handled that differently?"
What did it look like to other people?
That I was trying to pull a heavy?
That I was trying to 'control' them?
That I wanted things a certain way?
So there's always more than one way to look at something. 
So that is why I brought up some things
that maybe I shouldn't have brought up. 
Or.... I don't even know anymore.... 
There's another way of looking at that. 

I just feel like I waste people's time and energy and effort. 
Due to feelings of insecurity, inferiority, instability etc. 
Like if I could have equal exchanges and not feel ANY of those things, 
then maybe the connection would last
and not just last, flourish. 
And then it'd be like: "Where have you been all my life?"
And we'd just bask in the wonderment of each other
and delight in the fact that we're both rare creatures. 

And I think that a lot of the ego stuff from the past
was to bolster myself. Protection from pain. 
The painful truth of painful realities. 
That I am actually insecure. 
And I feel inferior because of that. 
And instabilities coming from insecurities. 
That was one big breakthrough for me. 
To realize that the instability was coming from insecurity. 
And that a lot of people mask it or try to mask it with ego. 
Whether they realize that they do it because of that or not. 
It took me a long time to realize those things. 

It bothered me a lot that most people in my life
saw me a certain way because they didn't understand me
or I miscommunicated something....
Or they just decided to see me a certain way
based on something else. 
Or someone else telling them things about me
that weren't even true... 
Or how other people see me... 
Letting all of that be the reason why they see me
the way they see me... 

But it shouldn't matter so much what other people think. 
There was a pin on someone's bag I saw once... 

"Why does it matter what they think
when they don't do it very often?"
Something like that. 

That's part of why I am impressed and in awe
of the people who think deeper than most. 
But they are also deeply saddened by the world. 
Because they see so much that others don't and can't
because they realized so much more
that others haven't and probably don't have the capacity to realize. 

So it probably saddens them to talk to me
and frustrates them because I 'don't get it.'
Even when I see what they are saying... 
But it's another thing to be able to apply things to my life
to overall improve my life. 

And I guess I struggle to do that
because I just keep seeing all the ways I've already f*cked up. 
And feeling so f*cking stupid that I f*cked up like that.... 

But I guess the difference is that I care. 
To even look at it and at myself. 
Instead of like: "I'm just never going to look at it
and never going to look at myself.... "

But there does come a time where we have to be like:
"F*ck it. I lived too much in my past already."
And go from "I DGAF" to "Yeah I GAF."

Like a lot of people hold themselves back
by constantly living in the past. 
Myself included. Looking back on things. 
Being pissed off for DAYS, even WEEKS, 
MONTHS AND YEARS 
about sh*t that's already happened
that we can't do anything about
except for getting angry about it. 

Angry about things that people have already done. 
People who 'should' have known better. 
People who don't have the capacity to understand
that what they are doing affects other people. 
Or how it affected them. 

Some people mature and others don't. 
Some people have the capacity to learn from mistakes, 
others don't have the capacity. 
It's sad, it's f*cking sad, but they really just f*cking don't. 

And a lot of people can't see the mistakes they are currently making. 
Like dwelling so much on the past. 
I guess some things can be seen as choices.
Like "When are you going to choose to move out of the past, A***?"
Like I could be attempting to restart my life. 
Even though my past is always going to be my past. 
I can't rewrite it or restart it, or redo it, or anything. 

It's not drilled into us that we only get one shot
at this thing called life. 
How many of us make the most of it?
How many of us live our best lives?

When we feel a certain way about ourselves
and about the lives we are living... 
It does kind of make it harder to live a better life. 

Because we are reacting to our thoughts and feelings all the time. 
Well most of us are. Unless we are trained or train ourselves not to. 
It does become a habitual thing. 
Especially for introverts. 
Extroverts are too busy with the action side of things. 
At least that is what I think about extroverts. 

I never really needed much attention. 
And I wasn't hitting that guy up constantly because I wanted his attention. 
I was actually wanting to form a connection with him
and instead of letting it form naturally or whatever.... 
It didn't exactly go that way. 
Because I felt I needed his help in certain areas. 
Which I probably did, 
but that part didn't go naturally. 

Being lonely kinda f*cked it up, too. 
Which I realized as a side realization. After the fact. 
And loneliness is actually a sign of insecurity. 
Secure people probably don't get lonely. 
Nearly as often as insecure people. 

I run into it on the chatlines.... 
I can tell when people are trying too hard
and it doesn't feel natural. 

Like today, I was just on the chatline thing
to grab a link to one of the rooms to post it on a thread. 
And a guy I was talking last night starts a convo with me
and starts giving me a lot of compliments and it just
didn't feel natural to me. 
And he said something about sex
and it just hasn't interested me much for a while. 
There was one guy I was attracted to and who I was talking with
who I was attracted to in that way, 
but other than him, I just am not all that interested in just
random flings for the sake of getting laid. 
Like I can go years without it. 
Or just 'help' myself, if I ever get the urge or whatever. 
So I told him that I'm not interested in it.
So I wouldn't make a good date. 
And he said that I would make a good date
because he can connect with me. 
We only had one chat. 
Connections are formed. 
Like we can't just meet the love of our lives overnight. 

A lot of people are looking for love online these days. 
I'm not even going there anymore. 
I decided that it's too much of a risk. 
Besides, I find it hard to have a true connection with anyone. 
I think I have one, but then I find out
that they think I need them to feel secure
or that they were only helping me for some reason. 
Or something else. Who knows?

My motives are to make an actual connection. 
Which is so f*cking hard to do
that I just may as well not even really try anymore. 
But the less I try, the harder it gets... 
But there are times I am trying to connect with someone
who isn't really looking to connect or whatever. 
I don't even know why most people bother with me tbh. 
I mean I appreciate it when they are genuinely trying for me. 
It means a lot more to me than it does to them
because they are doing it for me, not for them.
Or they'd just be doing it to hear themselves talk or something. 
And I'm sure they have better things to do!
Than to help me pull my head out of my @ss...

But is it their job to help me pull MY head out of MY @ss? No.
Not even remotely. 

It just goes to show that I don't know
how to form a real connection with anyone. 
What have I been doing with my life?!
The only one I got.... 

Too busy feeling too weak to do anything with it. FFS.
Maybe I needed a strong person
to teach me how to be a strong person. 
Like asking a normal person:
"How do you live a NORMAL life?"
And be a NORMAL person?!
Like how are you supposed to teach that?
And if you don't have to, why would you?
So someone might have a better chance to be
living a near-normal life?!

And I know the feeling of wanting to die
just because I don't feel normal
and that's a f*cked up feeling. 
And losing what I always wanted 
what I always wanted to keep... 
And not getting to be what I wanted to be
Because I wanted to feel loved.... 
And wanted.... 
And I feel like I lost more because of that. 
When that wasn't what was important. 
I made it important because I thought that was what I really wanted. 
I chose that over and over again
and that wasn't where my happiness was at. 
Not even close and I f*cked up. 
I lost sight of the bigger picture. 
And I am just so mad at myself for that. 
I am so mad at myself for that. All of that. 
Because this is where it got me. 
Not even that.... But it was all wrong. 
When you wake up and realize that you f*cked up so bad. 

And you didn't see the true lessons about love. 
And you were trying to seek validation because it was more important. 
At that time..... Because you thought it would make you feel better, A***?
And did it? Temporarily? Because you were just living life?

And what about anything else? What about any of that?
Because you couldn't think straight? 
Couldn't see what you were doing?
And what you weren't doing?

Well it came back and bit you in the @ss A***. 
Because what you didn't take into consideration
was actually quite considerate. 
Should have been more substance over substance... 
See how substantial it is now, A***?

And when you wake up and it SLAPS YOU IN THE FACE
BECAUSE YOU NEEDED A SLAP IN THE FACE.....
But reality does it for you when you wake up... 
And you see yourself for exactly all you've been up to now.... 
And you didn't measure up, to what you were supposed to be.... 
Which was the real reason I felt like sh*t
and tried drinking that feeling away.... 
Because it's not a good feeling. 
And when you realize all of that, it's an even worse feeling. 
Than anything you ever felt before.... 
And there is no trying to drink THAT away
because it's not going away. 
At least.... I don't know how to make it go away. 

FFFFFF*******CCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!
WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU CANNOT GO BACK!!!!
When I could have left all of that sh*t alone. 
And just been what I wanted to be. 
Instead of thinking that to be happy
All I needed was love.... And kept looking for it. 
When I wasn't just working on being
what I wanted to be.... 

And maybe I might have been closer. 
Maybe I'd even feel better. 
But it's like I f*cked up everything
by f*cking up... 
Do you know how mad I am at myself?
Does that change anything, A***?!
What does it serve you to be mad at yourself?
Just to whip yourself for eternity?
When that's still not being who you wanted to be?
That's just toturing yourself for not being
who you wanted to be
because you were under some delusional belief
that being in love would make you happy?

And you weren't doing what you were supposed to be doing. 
And you f*cked up. 
So do you even deserve what you wanted?
Did you ever?
Maybe if you'd been what you were supposed to be
and been doing what you were supposed to be doing. 

But no, you weren't, and didn't A***!
ARE YOU HAPPY, NOW, A***!? FFS...
Did any of the things you thought would make you happy....
Actually make you happy?
Were you satifying your 'needs' 
or were you satisying your 'ego'?
So here we are, here we are.... 

Like watching a movie of you life... 
And just wanting to slap yourself across the face a billion times. 
Wake tf up!!!! Look at what you're doing!
When I look back... I just feel so mad at myself. 
For everything. I'm struggling with accepting my past. 
Because there weren't any excuses
other than I was a poor excuse. 
And I still feel like one. 
Except I realized it and admitted it, 
but accepting it... 
Which I have to do to move past it. 
Hopefully. Eventually. 

I wonder if any other alcoholics or drug addicts
ever come to the realization that they could have had
a completely different life.
Had they felt normal and lived somewhat normal lives. 
But I guess not all people
who have lived f*cked up lives 
become drug addicts and drunks. 
But the ones who did usually want to try to drink
the feelings away and get high to try to forget. 

I know how it is. I did that. 
Was constantly under the influence
and couldn't think straight. 

And someone who can think straight
isn't under any obligation to teach me how to think straight. 
But that is a labor of love. 

It's always gotten to me that people have kept calling me crazy
when it's not that I am crazy. I just couldn't think straight. 
Filled with stupid beliefs that did a lot of my thinking for me. 
It takes someone who can think straight
to point out what is wrong with my thinking. 
But I was convinced that there wasn't. 
And I'd get defensive as f*ck. 

One time someone asked me why I was defending myself. 
And I caught myself doing it some more. 
I don't want people to get the wrong idea about me, 
but when I don't do the right things, 
yeah, it's easy to get the wrong idea about me. 
But a lot of the time, when I try to defend myself, 
they get the wrong idea about me. 

But how do I know what they are thinking?
Because I feel it before they say it. 
Usually. And then I feel it when I hear it. 
And I don't like having to tell them that 
"I don't know what you're thinking"
and be right about what they were thinking.... 
And still hoping to hear something other than that. 

And I grew up the same way. 
I see how I was so much like my mother. 
And in ways I never wanted to be like her. 

How a lot of people are a lot like their parents. 
How my son's become a lot like his father, 
and like me in some ways. 

I hope he got something good from us. 
I miss him so much. All the times he'd disappear. 
And I wouldn't get to see him for a long time....
And I always thought that
any time he could have picked up the phone
or come by for a visit. 

He did when he wanted to, on his own. 
He sent me a great text once. 
Saying how he had to figure out some things on his own and
that parents are just people, too,
trying to figure this life sh*t out, too. 
It was great. I loved that he sent me that. 
And I had the chance to try to make things better, not worse. 
He had tried. After everything, he had tried. 
And it was some hope, for us. 
Like that trip was supposed to be for us. 
We'd had a good time together on the trip when he was 13. 
He was looking forward to meeting some family members. 
It was supposed to be something nice for the both of us. 
Something we could do together. And we'd be together. 

And I don't blame my parents for all of my problems, 
but the sh*t I learned from them, subconsciously.... 
Or however traits are passed down, or taught... 
That sh*t never helped me. 
And I wasn't helping myself get better, either. 
And I couldn't see it let alone admit to it. 
Even to myself. 
I couldn't ever say: "A***, you have your head up your @ss."
And anyone who was telling me that I was so f*cked
that I don't know how f*cked I am... 
And any of those things that pissed me off, 
but ended up being true.... 

But I can't be totally FUBAR if I can think along these lines. 
And been able to realize what I've realized. 
What the f*ck good will it do me now? I don't f*cking know.
Because when I needed to realize it, I couldn't realize it. 
And that had nothing to do with my son. 
Or anyone that the inability to realize sh*t, affected. 

It's like the longer it takes to realize, the harder it hits you. 
What makes it hit harder is that this is supposed to be MY life. 
Well, f*ck, A***. We can't realize sh*t for you. 
Like the joke you get 20 years later, 
but it's not even funny, 
because it wasn't a joke.... Get it now?

All the things that I thought were important back then.... 
Weren't important. I just wanted certain feelings to go away
and to achieve certain other feelings. 

"It's not uncommon for people
to spend their lives waiting to start living."

But time waits for nobody. 
You either live for today
or die for tomorrow. 

That feeling, though... It won't go away. 
And it's like when I think about
changing my life, I think the past
is going to come back around. 
And hit me hard. 
But why do I let that stop me?

Is anyone expected to be perfect?
"Don't trip over what's behind you."
But that means we have to put it behind us. 

Some days I feel a bit hopeful, 
but I hate that my life took the turns it did. 
Except I really had to quit drinking, and I did. 
But all the bullsh*t that went with that, at the time. 
But that was my bullsh*t. 
And that's not a good feeling. To sit with. 
Or to feel, but I feel it. Hitting me so hard.

Why am I stuck here? Like I felt it. 
Not just the brunt of it. 
Hurts to know the truth of who I was. 
And parts of me that still have remained. 
Stupid beliefs that wouldn't die. 
Even though they aren't true. 

Anyway, I keep getting calls from a "duct cleaning service."
I called the number back and it went to a girl's phone. 
Different numbers that are 'out of service...'
Except this one. 
You'd think that if it's a real service
you'd be able to call them back. 
And they listen to me react to them
and they hang up
when I say the same thing I always say
that I don't need duct cleaning services. 

The girl has the same name
as some girl the guy I was seeing was/is into. 
And it's a local number. 

When I saw them all into each other or whatever
I should have just backed off. 
Put it up where I'd see it. 

Anyway, they were probably together the whole time. 
What's the point in calling me 
saying "duct cleaning"? Just to annoy me?
The last time I was staring to think it was phony.
Because they called a bunch of times.
And usually a different number each time. 

I keep getting stuck in my fears. 
I don't know why. 
I feel like it's my fault. 
I get scared and I can't sleep. 

There are a few people I really miss.
Anxiety of missing people, missing talking to someone in particular, 
but I can't make anyone care about me
or want to talk to me, 
or want to keep talking to me.... 

If I let it flow naturally, and let people come to me.... 
And hadn't been so selfish.... 
Feeling people moving on
and not being able to move on. Feeling so stuck. 
Missing them so much. 
Stuck between anxiety and fears.... 

But there is a lot beyond my control. 
This year has taught me that more than any other year. 
I used to sleep decently. 
I wasn't worried about a lot. 
I still had my son's love and that means a lot. 
It was the only love I ever needed, but I couldn't see that. 
I felt I needed love, intimacy, protection....

Someone told me not to put my hand on the hot stove. 
When it comes to worrying. 
These fears are really strong.
I don't want to be scared anymore. 
Never wanted to be scared.