Much To Change

Thinking about this stuff isn't doing much to change it.
And I can't change it myself. 
What is done is already done. 
No matter what the reasons were behind it. 
No matter how many people told me that I did the right thing. 
It didn't get me a good, favorable result. 
It basically got me what I didn't want. 
And I keep struggling with it. 
All day and all night. 
Wondering how or if I can miraculously fix this. 
And if I can't?
And my friends tell me to be patient. 
To see if my son comes around on his own.... 
And if not?

It's different for fathers who aren't in the picture, 
who wanted to be... 
Different for mothers. 
Because according to society, both should be. Ideally. 
And if a father turns the kid against the mother?
If a mother turns the kid against the father?

People can't see what parental alienation is like. 
They just say: "You're not in your child's life?
There must be a reason for that."

That it is his choice....
Just like I made that choice about my father
and now I know how he felt.... 
But I also know the damage my mother did to me. 
And the damage my son's father is doing to him. 
He can keep acting and thinking like he hasn't done any.... 

"He has to be his own person." Yes. 

Been stuck in this echo chamber because I'm still his mother. 
He still has lots to learn. But he doesn't have to learn it all from me. 
There's plenty I didn't learn from my mother....

I'm still working on forgiving my mother for some things. 
And forgiving myself for some things. 
It's hard to forgive myself. But if I don't, 
I'll beat myself with it. Because it's on me. 
Nobody else, but on me. 
"You don't have to beat yourself with it, A***."
No, I don't. So why do you?
To torture yourself with things you can't change?
With things you wish you could change?
With things that are the way they are, 
but could be the way they could be?

Just... I got a lot of anxiety today. 
When I was just over at the mall... 
Just picking up some food. 
How is picking up food anxiety provoking?
I had to try to talk myself out of it. 
"You're just picking up food, A***."

"Healing starts in the mind."

There was some quote the other day about how we feed
ourselves poison with our minds
and wonder how we are staying sick....

Obviously I have a lot on my mind. 
I live too much in my head.... 
When I live in my heart.... Well.... 
That never really goes well.... We all know that. 
It's like I'm scared to even go there, now. 
Because of the times I did and it didn't end well. 

I feel like diving into a hole and just....
Dying of f*cking embarrassment. 
Every time I start to 'like' someone and then it crashes down.
And I'm like.... "This is why you shouldn't go there, A***."
But I forget that because it feels nice to flirt sometimes. 
After a long time without any of that....
And I start thinking things
that I probably shouldn't be thinking about... 
And like always, there's competition 
so why am I going there? For more rejection? 
So I can feel stupid for allowing myself to feel something
that I hadn't felt in a long time?
Why do I do that to myself?
Just so that I can be all like: "You knew that would happen, A***."

And is that only a distraction from what I've been going through?
To feel good to forget about the reasons for feeling bad?
To feel good until when?
Until I'm not worth it anymore?
Until they think they need to make me feel secure?
When I cannot read minds?
I don't know what anyone thinks of me
unless they tell me or unless I ask....
Then I pay for that. For wanting to know. 
For f*cking wanting to know anything, I pay for that. 
And for telling people too much about myself. 

But it doesn't feel good when something suddenly ends.
And like when it's somewhat of a lifeline.... 
When you want to hold onto it....
When it's one of the only things to feel good about
and to look forward to.... 
But I guess that shouldn't prevent someone from letting go
if that is really what they want to do.
So when I give someone an out and they want to take it,
then they wanted to take it. 
And I can't be upset that they took it, 
because I gave it to them, but even if I didn't, 
they could give themselves an out. 
And if they just stayed to spare my feelings....
And didn't actually want to be there..... 
Then... I appreciate that they didn't want to hurt me, 
but if they don't want to be there, they don't want to be there. 

And yes, it is up to me to give them reasons for them to want to stay. 
I guess in the back of my mind I keep asking why they would want to. 
It would be awesome if I had the confidence
and all the reasons to feel confident.... 

And yes, I feel shaky. And nobody wants to be the one
who 'has to' make the other one feel secure. 
About who they are and even what they have to bring.... 
But I don't have a lot to add or to bring and I know this. 
And when I open up emotionally
and tell someone how I feel, 
it's looked at like I'm trying to manipulate. 
When I should just be allowed to say how I feel. 
And I'd love for someone to tell me how they feel about me. 
So that I know. 
But if they have feelings that you don't want them to have.... 
Do you still want to know?
Or would you rather they spare your feelings?

And when someone decides to walk out..... 
And you wanted them to stay.... 
For things to go back to the way they were
before you ruined it.... 
What can you say to make them stay?
When they already decided to go?

But it's like people sense how I feel about myself. 
And they don't want to be the one to be looked to... To fix that. 

It's like if I can have confidence in myself, 
I can have confidence in my connections, 
but if I can have confidence in my connections, 
I'd probably have more confidence in myself.... 

I guess I put off that "Please don't give up on me" vibe. 
And people really don't like that vibe. 
And the Universe doesn't understand "don't"
So it's like "Please give up on me."

And I have to let people go their own way when they want to. 
Because I can't hold anyone hostage against their will. 
"No! You can't leave me!
You have to tell me how you feel about me!
You have to tell me what you think of me!
You have to tell me things so that I know...."

But maybe I shouldn't take so many risks. 
By telling them how I feel and what I'm thinking.... 
I spook people. It wouldn't spook me so much, I guess. 

I'd love that someone could see me as someone rare
that they don't want to lose
like I look at them.... 

And yes, I have to accept that it's over when it's over. 
And to stop trying to hold on when I can't. 
But I get those fears of being held back and holding someone else back. 

And feeling a certain way can be risky. 

But.... "If she's giving me an out, does she want me to take it?"
It's more like she wants you to stay
but she is aware that you don't really have any reasons to
unless you want to....
And she wants to know that you want to. 

And when you can tell someone the truth about you
and your life... And they still stay.... They want to. 
And that is a risk you take
because they could choose to run for the hills, 
but if they found out some other way, not from you, 
they could run for the hills anyway.... 

"I'm still here." That's all I need to hear sometimes. 
"You're okay....." ...... "I'm staying...."
But if you can't see why they would stay, why would they stay?

"Better to run away now than lose you later...."
"I wasn't looking for this, I don't know how to deal with this."

I've felt like the only thing I have to give is my heart, 
but it's broken right now. 
But if they could see I meant well....
If they could see who I am.....
Even when I don't come across the way I wanted to.... 
Even when I don't say all the right things
in all the right ways.... 
At all the right times.... 
If they could see me.... Maybe they'd like me?
Maybe they'd stay?
If I don't have much to add or to give?
Even when others have much more to add and give?

But when I feel better about myself, I tend to have more to add.... 
And more to give.... 

And apologizing for shooting myself in the foot a million times
isn't going to negate the fact that I shot myself in the foot. 
By giving them an out that they decided to take.....
By telling them the truth. 
Even when I told them why I was telling them. 
Even when I was being honest. 
About where I'm coming from
and why I don't feel all that confident.... 

But it's like when you give someone an out, 
and they decide not to take it, it feels pretty good. 
It feels like a big relief. "I'm still here, A***."
"Thank you for staying and wanting to stay."

"Would you still want to stay if you knew the truth?"
And that is the risk that I take when I tell the truth.
But I can see people getting or being scared. 
Feeling uncomfortable... 
And what if they judge me and tell everyone?
Then everyone else judges me, too?
And that is another risk that I take.... 
And I guess that "I'm still here, A***"
means that they want to be there
and knowing they want to be there
is something that says that "you're okay."

And when everything has me questioning if I'm "okay"
because people keep walking away....
From my effort and my struggling.... 
From my messy feelings and my complications. 
My need of help... In my time of need.... 

And I get that "too much is too much."
Too much effort, too much need. 
Too much emotion... Too much.... Just too much. 
Too much insecurities.... 
I get it. Insecurity doesn't feel good on both ends. 
"I'm still here, A***." Is all I ever really needed. 
"I'm not going anywhere."
But there have been times I've been told that so I wouldn't go anywhere. 
Like "I'm giving you security, why would you pass that up?"
But often, I feel the difference. 

Anyway, I can't control what anyone sees in me
or if they see anything at all, 
or why they'd want to stay or if they want to.

And I can't ever expect:
"I'm still here, A***."
"I'm still here, Mom."
I can't expect things to stay the same
as they were in the beginning. 
I can't expect people not to get 'bored' or 'tired' of me. 
And that doesn't feel good. 
And that doesn't help with the confidence factor... 

And yes, people want to feel wanted, too. 
Not just needed.... I get it. 

Because when they feel needed only, 
they are like "what about my needs?"
What happens when someone else can fill those needs?

But when they feel wanted.... It's something else. 
It feels so different. It feels good. 

And when you want someone to stay, but you give them an out
And they take it... It's like:
"Why did you give me an out?"
Because I wanted you to want to stay. 

But it's not up to them to say "I'm still here."
Even when you need to hear it the most.... 
And you can't make them say it. 
Even when you need to hear it the most.... 
It's not to push them away. 
It's because you want them to stay, 
but you want them to want to. 
Not just because they know that you need them. 
But you do want them. 
"If you wanted me, why give me an out to take?"
Because I wanted you to want me, too. 
Enough to say "I'm still here."

Yes, I feel insecure and anxious. 
When people keep walking away. 
It's like any time I want to be close to or with anyone.... 
"Let it happen naturally."
Instead of putting all the effort in... 
But when I don't show someone I care
And if they don't show me that they care.... 
How are we supposed to know that we care?
That we're "still here"?

But why would they stay for someone
who's so f*cked that they don't know how f*cked they are?
Who needs help getting unf*cked?
Who has the f*cking time for that?
That is a labor of love. Plain and simple. 

And when they know that you could help them
get 'unf*cked' and really want you to help them.... 
And they want to hold on for your help... 
Then they aren't holding on for you. I get it.
It hits completely differently. 

But when it seems like everyone gives up
because of how 'f*cked' you are.... 
It feels a certain type of way
and has you feeling a type of way about yourself 
that just adds to the sense of feeling 'f*cked.'

And knowing there are other options who aren't 'f*cked.'
And it's easier for them to just walk away. 
Than to put the extra effort in. 
Or even want to.... For you. 
Because they sure aren't getting what they could be
if you weren't so "f*cked."

What they could be getting from someone else.

"So A***, why do you put your heart on the line?"
Because that's who I am, inside. 
That's all that I have to give. 
That's the best of me....
"How is it the best of you when it's broken?"

And then my friend.... 
"You're giving yourself permission to be broken."
But if he went through what I did.... 
The things that broke me
that I literally had no control over.... 
Tell me he wouldn't have felt that.... 

But I guess he is saying:
"You're giving those things permission to break you."
"You're giving control to those things."
When they are beyond my control, though...