Two Shots Left

Had a dream where I was talking to a girl who had drank
close to an entire bottle of booze.
There were maybe two shots left 
and she somehow squirted some into my mouth. 
Trying to like force my to do a shot. 
Knowing that I gave up drinking. 
I wasn't impressed. 
It wasn't easy to quit drinking. 
I really wish I had quit drinking sooner.
But I showed everyone over here that I could do it. 
But they still remember what I was like when I was drunk.

Of course they don't see that I gave it up. 
They just remember when I struggled with it. 
You can do a million things right, 
but f*ck up ONCE, they remember that sh*t.

And then they act like THEY never f*ck up....
Like everyone's f*cked up, not them. 

But trying to force someone to take a shot
when you know that they don't drink...
That's kind of f*cked up....

Like that time on NYE when I was at a bar
and they were giving out free glasses of champagne
to toast the new year
and someone was trying to get me to take one
just for the toast. "C'mon! Be social!"

This isn't how I saw my life. 
But at least I'm not getting hammered anymore. 
At least I won't act like that anymore. 

Been trying to just... Move on. 
This is one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life.
To let go of my past. 
There were some good memories.... 
But I have to let go.

"The time is now."

I need to try to go back to bed. 
Woke up too early....

---------------------------------------------

I can't sleep! Tossing and turning.... 
My thoughts just keep going.... 
And I keep thinking about painful sh*t. 

A lot of painful sh*t keeps coming up. 
And I don't know how to deal with this. 
Drinking's all I had and I can't go back to that. 

So many setbacks.... How do I deal with this?
Feeling kinda frantic, but sad, and scared and just.... 
Feeling floored.... 

I know I have to do something. 
Something to feel better. So that I'm not tanked. 
This is f*cking hard! 
I'm taking it pretty hard.... 

The root of all suffering is attachment 
-Buddha

Hard to grieve people who are still alive. 
How would it look if it was the other way around?
How would it feel for them?

But I have to stop letting it kill me. 
I can keep trying to reach out. 
That's all I can do. Nothing else. 
I could keep suffering, too, but why?
Just because it hurts? Why?
Is love attachment?
What is love anymore?

But I'm scared to get close to anyone now. 
I should have learned my lessons about that. 
But for whatever reason, I didn't. 

I keep getting this existential dread when I'm sleeping. 
It's paralyzing. So instead of sleeping, 
I'm feeling like actually stuck. And sunk. 
When I wake up from it, it goes away. 
But I have to do something to keep it at bay. 

"Change is never comfortable."
Good change should feel good, but it doesn't always. 

Like quitting drinking was a good change, 
but it didn't feel good. All kinds of emotions coming up from that. 
And all kinds of emotions coming up
from recent changes. 
I can look at them as changes. Because they are. 
But the feelings.... Do not feel good. 
But the paralysis. 
It's not the kind of sleep paralysis I've felt before. 

Or the time I highly suspect someone put something in my drink
at a bar.... I couldn't physically move. For at least an hour. 
All I could do was sit there and cry
because I had lost all control of my body. 
That was a scary feeling. 
But I wasn't being hurt, at least.

The guy I was dating at the time, he took me to his place. 
Maybe whoever slipped me whatever it was
wasn't expecting me to leave with someone.
Thought I was there alone. 
Didn't think I was waiting for someone to show up....
And if he hadn't? Had I not left with him?
And I told him I couldn't move and he didn't believe me. 
The only explanation I could think of
was that I was drugged.... 

Another good reason to quit drinking.... 

But it is a different feeling than I've been getting. 
It's a bit of fear but like "why am I still here?" 
And it's hard to put into words.... How it feels. 
To want to have a restful sleep, but getting feelings like that.
When I'm trying to sleep. 
Even getting woken up like that. 
The jolts are better, even. I'd rather have the jolts. 

The deep stuck feeling, of like paralysis.... 
With a deep sadness that I can't even put into words.... 

Like I can kind of get why some people turn to drugs.
To try to forget what they are going through, 
but we end up forgetting other things
and not being able to function for other things. 
At least that has been my experience with some drugs
and some addictions I had. 

And really, I can't really afford to start getting addicted to drugs again.
The thought of what I'd have to do to get them... No thanks. 
Would probably make me feel even worse. 

If I have a purpose on this planet, 
it's probably not to be a drug addict. 
Not saying that drug addicts aren't people, too. They are. 
They chose that path and it's a hard path to get off.

Just like I chose to go back to drinking
when I had the chance to leave it alone. 
Because I had left it alone. 
Didn't have to pick it back up. 

How can you feel secure when nothing is sure?
What is there to be sure of? Myself?
The person I am?
When people keep treating me like something I'm not?

And I kept gasping for fresh air. 
Which wasn't helping me, either. 
The fresh air was, but gasping for it wasn't. 
Some people want to stay away from drowning people
because they do not want to get pulled under. 
"Not my problem."

Kind of like.... I can't stop you from shooting yourself
in the foot, A***.
Want me to take the gun away from you?
How about you put the gun down?
How about you just not have it?

I don't know how to cope with this. 
I don't know how to get the feelings to go away. 
I don't know what to do with it affecting my sleep. 

Does anyone feel like this? Ever?
Because I don't know what to do about it.

Someone was saying something about there being a difference
between can't and won't. 
Feelings of paralysis.... Those are real. 
Those make me feel like I can't. 

But when it comes to eating.... A lot of times I just won't. 
Because I don't feel like eating. 
Appetite is gone for the most part. 
Interest in food is gone for the most part. 
Eating feels like a chore. 
It's hard to explain a lot of stuff that comes with it. 
My feelings towards food and eating. 
When I know it is important. 
And I know I generally feel better when I eat good food. 
And when I have someone to eat with....
When I volunteered at the kitchen, it was good.
I got to eat a meal per shift. 

I was also going through some other things at that time. 
But I was doing better in that regard. 

I'm still waiting to hear from the doctor
about getting the referrals that I asked for. 
I don't know what takes them so long to make the referrals. 

There are a lot of great resources and programs in this city. 
That we are lucky to have, but we need to get referrals
for the programs. Which takes a long time, apparently. 

But at least I am trying, again. 
Also, I'm thinking of cognitive behavioral therapy. 

Talking to friends can only do so much
and they can only do so much
and it takes a toll on them to be supportive. 
I appreciate the support they've given me, 
but I can't drain them. It's not right. 
It's not that I was intentionally draining them. 
It's that they were the only ones I could turn to for help. 
Until it got to be too much. 
Until I wanted some assurance that they'd still be there. 
Until I wanted to know what they thought of me. 

And a person who said she would help me, 
I kept reaching out to her and she didn't reply. 
We never got started on that. 
And I stopped reaching out to her. 

If people wanted to help, they would, right?
Maybe she changed her mind? I don't know. 
I don't even want to ask. 
People often change their minds about me. 
Either because they haven't gotten to know me, 
they don't want to get to know me,
or someone told them about me. 

I have to rebuild myself. I can't rely on anyone to help me. 
I have to pull myself out of this. 
I can't pull anyone into it. Just to pull me out of it?
How f*cking selfish is that?
Obviously, I need to work for that. 
Not hope someone else will, for me. Out of love?
Out of the kindness of their heart?
Why would they do that for ME?!
Just because they can see me struggling? Suffering?
Just because they know what it's like?
How hard it is?
Because they know they can be that one light
in someone else's darkness?

Can't we light a match ourselves?

Someone told me something a couple of times. 
He said that someone had told him that he could only do so much
because some people need a flood light
and all he's got is a flashlight with batteries that are dying. 

When all I have are a few matches.... 
What f*cking good is that going to do
for someone who needs a f*cking flood light?
Especially when I'm one of those people
who needs a f*cking flood light. 
I need light to be shining on the things I can't see, yet. 
So I can f*cking see more. 
So I can see what to do with what I see, too. 
Seeing it, finally, is one thing, 
but seeing what to do with it is another thing all together. 

And if people refuse to open their f*cking eyes
and even admit they have their heads up their own @sses, 
then WTF can you even do for them?

And once they feel a certain way about something, or me.... 
That's when they think a certain way about something, or me. 
Can I control how everyone reacts to me?
Can I control how everyone feels about me?
Can I control what everyone thinks about me?
No, but sometimes I want to know
and sometimes they react to me wanting to know. 

And yes, we react to other people's reactions to our reactions.... 
Unless you are aware that it happens. 
And you choose to respond to it. 
Instead of react to it. 

And sometimes people overreact to us overreacting... 

Anyway, some days I feel pretty hopeful. 
Some days feel pretty hopeless... 
But it's not up to anyone to give me hope. 
I have to generate feelings on my own. 
If I can't, who's supposed to do it for me?
"Want me to wipe your bum, too, A***?" 🚽

Sometimes I wonder if hope is a real thing, 
or if we just think it is. 
Because we need some word for some type of way we feel. 
Does it make it real because we feel it?
I thought so, sometimes I still think so, 
yet I sometimes wonder. 

This depression seems real and feels pretty f*cking real. 
Feels pretty sh*tty. 🚽
"Are you willing to feel something else?"

There's a difference between being willing and being able. 
Am I able? Can I feel better? Given the circumstances?
Given any circumstances?

Like it's hard to feel estatic when something terrible happens. 
When it's just moderately sh*tty, that's different. 
Than something that has long lasting, ripple effects. 
It's like ripple effects have tripple effects.... 
But that goes both ways. 
Goes for good things, too.