Nothing

Part of me doesn't want to give up. 
I can see my opportunity to change. To grow. To improve. 
But I keep looking in the past and thinking
that it matters who I was and what I did. 
Because that's who I was and what I did. 

I wasn't giving people what they needed
and wasn't giving myself what I needed. 

"You did the best you could with what you knew."
And it's like watching a bad movie
when I look back on the past
and how I see that I affected other people. 

And they'd have to forgive me for everything. 
But it's hard to forgive others. I know this. 
It's hard to be patient with people
when there's a chance they might never change. 
How can they when they don't want to?
How can they when they can't see how they are being?
How can they when they don't know how to?

Have to do the work. It's that simple. 
Can't get the results we wanted if we aren't working for them. 
Which is why I was trying to take action, 
but I didn't know what I was doing. 
So is trying better than not trying?
Is caring better than not caring? Absolutely. 
But being able to show you care is important. Very. 
In the right ways.

Anyway.... 

I just feel awful about how so many things went. 
And I really wish I could fix everything. 
I really don't like who I was. 

Do I like who I'm becoming?
More aware? Waking up? Yeah. 
It feels a lot better, but looking back just
feels so sh*tty because I was sh*tty. 

I meant well, but was that ever good enough? No.
IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO MEAN WELL, A***!
You weren't "well"
You didn't do well. 
You aren't "well."
But you meant well, right?!

I'm stuck between knowing I was sh*tty
and wanting to be better. 
Between guilt and shame
and wanting to be better. 

And not being able to talk about it. 
Because it just drags people down. 
And I don't want to do that to anyone. 

I have to get past my past. 
And acknowledge things about myself
no matter how they look or feel. 
Because I do have to lay it out on the table. 
I have to figure some things out. 

No matter what others decide about me. 

I have to work on understanding myself. 
Others are better for understanding themselves. 
And if nobody ever understands me, they don't. 
I can't expect that. From anyone. 
Even from the people I wish would understand me....
Because if they can't, they can't. 

Been feeling all these feelings. Mourning loss. 
Grieving. Feelings of shame, regret, guilt. 

Yet trying to have some hope that some things can get better
and that I can get better. 
And that some things will improve.... 

So I keep going up and down, back and forth. 
Obviously it's not getting me anywhere. 

Someone told me that it's okay to take some steps back
as long as you take some steps forward. 
And to move forward I have to leave the past behind. 

I'm being honest, here. 
I've been honest with some people.
Maybe too honest. 

I went in deep, pretty deep with people
who only wanted to keep things on a surface level with me. 
And I'm sure that they had their reasons for that. 
Because I can get too deep, I guess. 
I don't do surface level stuff very well. 

But going in deep with people
who want to keep things on a surface level with me, 
kinda puts people above me. 
Because they are above sea level, on the surface. 
Gives them the power. To stand on dry land. 

And yes, I have had some control issues that I'm not proud of. 
Maybe because a lot of things weren't in my control. 
And I was always being controled. 

Yes, I've had a severe lack of self-awareness. 
I've had people point things out to me. 
I've needed their perspective on things. 
And they were generous with their time and their thoughts. 

It's like the more self aware they are, the more they can see
about other people. 
Maybe because they've seen it in themselves
or seen it in other people to various degrees.

It's hard to see my flaws and be all like:
"No, I'm not really like that." When I have been like that. 
I guess I was in denial about my issues for a long time. 
And not dealing with them, just made them worse. 
And people weren't telling me:
"This is how you are being."
Because I wouldn't listen and I would get defensive. 
Instead of just listening and seeing myself through their eyes. 
And I have a family history of that. 
I could never confront anyone in my family
about how they were acting or behaving towards me. 
Without them getting defensive and angry, even raging at me. 
For telling them how I felt about something. 
And I hate that I did the same things that they did to me. 

And I couldn't see why they were the way they were. 
They were taught to be that way. Same as I was. 
And I couldn't see the traits I had, or what I was doing, 
or how it affected anyone around me. For so long.... 
And now that I can see that... I really can't stand myself. 

Am I any different from them? That I can see it now?
When they can't and may never see it?
Am I different that I care that I f*cked up?
That I've been f*cked up? That I feel regret?
Shame? Remorse?

If I hadn't experienced a lot of losses in my life, 
because of how I've been... How long would it have taken me to see?

And I've seen how they are, but I kept going back to that. 
And I kept taking more of that. 
And it has affected me, and affected my son. 
And I see how it has. In many ways. 
It was my responsibility not to expose him to that. 

But I couldn't see my own traits. 
And I'm pretty sure my son has traits from me. 
Because that's how I learned to be the way that I've been. 
No excuse. I have to unlearn all that stuff. 

And why I can't really have anyone in my life. 
No matter how much I wish I had those healthy connections. 
How healthy is the connection going to be
when I've been unhealthy?
"So f*cked that you don't know how f*cked you are."
Does that mean I'm less f*cked for seeing how f*cked I've been?

Why did it take losing what I lost to see what I had?
And what I could have had?
And actually wanted?
Why did it take wanting it back?
For me to wake TF up and see what's been wrong with me?

But is being honest about what's been wrong with me
actually setting me all that far apart from people
who claim that there isn't anything wrong with them?
Who will never admit to their faults?

"If you're emotionally up and down, 
your perceptions are warped."
Maybe this is why I had a hard time seeing some things. 
Or maybe I'm f*cking blinded by other sh*t.
By things I have yet to realize.... 

Just feel like isolating from everyone. 
Faced so much rejection and just... 
I can see why, though. Now. 
Maybe haven't felt like myself in a while because I'm changing. 
I don't want to be the way I've been, 
but I couldn't see how I was being for so long
so I didn't know how I was being. 
Now that I see it, I really don't like it. At all. 
I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment. 
And obviously, I'm pretty depressed. 

Isolating might worsen the depression, 
but trying to have any kind of relationship with anyone... 
Any type of connection besides the few people
who know me the best... 
Who really don't know how I've got to this point. 
They go by their observations. 
They go by what I've told them. 

If they could see it for themselves, they'd know. 

And yeah, I have traits I don't like. 
I can't seriously think anyone would seriously date me. 
That I'll have love in my life in any real capacity. 
I feel like people judge me all the f*cking time. 
And well, I've been judging myself. 
Part of the reason why it's hard to accept things about myself
is because I judge myself pretty harshly. 
And had I judged my choices before I made them, 
I probably wouldn't have made most of them. 

A friend is trying to force me out of my funk. 
"You are a decision away from a better life."

And what about all the things that are holding me back?

"The longer you wait, the longer things stay sh*tty."
"It's never going to be perfect. Start now so it's better later."

It's been like... On the verge of a relapse. 

"You're giving yourself permission to be broken."
"Do a little bit every day... "

I have to admit that I've been stuck in the past. 
Trying to hold onto good memories. 
Trying to remember when I felt good. 

"The best things in life aren't easy."

Do people understand what depression even is?

Anyway... I'm super frustrated at myself. 
I'm pushing people away and not even trying to. 

It's like trying to look for things to be happy about
but not feeling any type of way about anything,
just sad and just some sinking feeling
and wanting to die like almost every moment of the day. 

I get bouts where I was doing better. 
Feeling hopeful and stuff. Feeling like I was getting some help. 
Feeling like I have a few people who care
and who were helping me. 
I took a huge dive and then people stopped talking to me. 
People I have love for
and then I'm like sitting here with those feelings
that I can't do anything with
and knowing I got rejected again. 

And yeah, I should just have the confidence
and feel totally cool and secure all the time... 
And not let sh*t get to me.... 
And be normal and life a normal life. 
When nothing about me or my life has been normal... 

And the longer I wait to figure something out, 
the longer I'm just stuck in this sh*t. 
When I don't actually want to be here anymore. 

My life is consisting of blogging. 
For an audience of like 5 people. 
And it could be worse. I used to have zero for a long time....

Just feels like I'm constantly going nowhere, fast. 
And every time I try to get anywhere, it's just another string
of setbacks that I'm having a really f*cking hard time recovering from. 
And the people who know what I'm going through
do not know what it is like to be going through this. 

Yes I have to stop 'giving myself permission to be broken.'
But it's not like I am enjoying the suffering. 
That people enjoy seeing me suffer. 
They know how they affect me so they do this. 

I have seen some videos where people
are literally having the last conversations with a parent, 
and cutting them out of their lives
without realizing what it would feel like
if their kids did that to them.... Do they not care?

Like "I don't want you in my life anymore."
To your mother.... Could you? Would you?

Maybe it is easier when it is their choice... I don't know. 
It's still hard to accept. 
But they need to have their own lives. 

It just feels like sh*t when they don't want you. 
And then you try to explain this to others. 
How you feel about it and about yourself 
and about life. 
When you just want your child by your side. 
In your life. A part of your life. 

And you know you made mistakes. 
Nobody is f*cking perfect. 
But to be judged by your own kid... 

In the last two years.... Like F*CK ME SIDEWAYS WITH A SURFBOARD!
FFS! CAN I NOT CATCH A F*CKING BREAK!!!!????
PEOPLE WOULD BE F*CKING ANGRY
ABOUT HOW OTHERS WERE TREATING THEM
IF THEY TREATED THEM THE WAY THEY'VE BEEN TREATING ME.

BUT NO, IT ISN'T ABOUT WHAT I WANT. APPARENTLY.
IT'S ABOUT WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WANTS.
AND THEY GET WHAT THEY WANT.
AND I CAN GO F*CK MYSELF AND DIE.

WHY DO I EXIST? TO FEEL LIKE THIS?
TO LIVE LIKE THIS?
WHAT IS THE POINT?! I'M NOT SEEING IT.

I AM F*CKING TIRED OF PEOPLE JUST TELLING ME
TO JUST GET OVER SH*T LIKE IT'S SO 
F*CKING EASY TO GET OVER SH*T. 

IT'S SO EASY TO JUST OVERWRITE THIS EATING DISORDER
AND THIS MOOD DISORDER, 
AND EVERYTHING ELSE... 
AND JUST CHEER THE F*CK UP
WHEN MY LIFE IS IMPLODING!

WHAT DO YOU DO? DO YOU JUST SLAP A SMILE ON YOUR FACE
AND PRETEND LIKE NOTHING'S FALLING APART?
AND JUST ACT LIKE EVERYTHING'S FINE
WHEN IT'S NOT?
WHEN IT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE SINKING?

AND YOU SEE PEOPLE WHO ARE HAPPY
AND THEY HAVE THEIR KIDS WHO LOVE THEM
AND WANT TO BE WITH THEM.

AND THEY'D JUST LAUGH AT ME AND SAY...
IF YOU WEREN'T A F*CKING DRUNK... 
MAYBE YOUR KID WOULD WANT TO BE WITH YOU, A***!
YEAH WELL I HAVEN'T TOUCHED A DROP IN 6 F*CKING YEARS. 

IT'D BE NICE IF PEOPLE WOULD JUST F*CKING FORGIVE ME
AND START ALL OVER AGAIN... 

BUT NOW I HAVE TO FORGIVE MYSELF
AND START OVER AGAIN, ALONE. 

BECAUSE THAT IS MY F*CKING LIFE.
DID I EVER SEE MYSELF ALONE? NO.
DID I USED TO HAVE DREAMS? YEAH.

WTF DO I HAVE NOW? TELL ME?
A CHANCE TO START OVER?
WELL THERE'S THAT. THAT.

I just don't get how people can be cruel to a parent like that. 
Who wants to be there for them, who wants to love them.... 
I know how it f*cking feels. 

But if he didn't break my heart that way, 
maybe he'd break my heart some other way....

So what? Mom's boring. Mom's not rich. 
Mom's not exciting or whatever. Not the ideal, perfect mother. 
Didn't she feed you, change your diapers, take you to school?
Didn't she read you books at bedtime?
Didn't she craddle you in her arms and rock you to sleep?
Take you to the park? Push you on the swing?
Wash your clothes? Burp you?
Buy you those piano lessons you asked for?
Wasn't she there for you when nobody else was?

So what? She wanted to ensure you were safe. 
And I wasn't allowed to even do that. 

It just feels sh*tty to be taken for granted. 
By people you love. 

And I watch those videos of people
telling their mother that they don't want to ever talk to
or see their mother again. Ever. 
Knowing that they are hurting their mother. 
And not caring. At all. About what she has to go through
knowing that her child does not want her in her life. 

Yeah, try to pick up the pieces after that. 
Try to feel confident after that. 
The anxiety alone.... Try it. 
If you don't have any idea what that feels like....
Don't tell me to just get over it. 

Allow me to grieve. To mourn. A loss. 
A big, painful loss.... 
A part of me just f*cking died. 
So am I allowed to feel a type of way about that?
About myself? About my life?

"But A***, are you going to feel like that forever?"
No, probably not. 
Do I feel okay about walking away from my kid? No. 
It doesn't feel good. 
About him walking away from me? No. 
It doesn't feel good. 
But I have to be strong enough to get through this. 
And get through it alone, if I have to. 

And be like: "This is why, A***.
You had it coming to you for years."
Because I'm not the best mom in the world?
Haven't I tried? Haven't I done what I could?
When I was allowed to?
When they decided to call me?
After being ignored? For months?
Like I was never f*cking good enough?

It's like treating someone like sh*t
and then telling them you don't want to be around them
because they make you depressed....
Well maybe it's depressing being treated like I mean NOTHING.
Like I may as well be dead.... 
Tell me how that's supposed to feel. 
If you never feel that.... You're lucky. 
If your kids love you, you're lucky. 
If you have family, you are lucky. 
If you have friends, you are lucky. 

If people care about you and want to see you doing well, 
you are lucky. 

Like we don't actually need very much in life. 
But tell me again how I'm supposed to believe in love?
Tell me how I'm supposed to even want to feel that
for anyone now?
Tell me how I'm supposed to feel better....