Trying To

There are still some things I can't really talk about. 
And some things I shouldn't have brought up. 
I wasn't thinking about that. 
I was thinking about feeling better. Or trying to. 
Sometimes we end up making things worse for ourselves. 
I know that I have. I kept doing it. 
Because I kept trying to feel better. 
But the things I was doing made things worse. 

Feeling pretty cut off from the world, lately. 
And fearing that got me that. 

"What if this person stops talking to me?"
"How will I live without this person in my life?"
"How can I feel okay without this person wanting to be in my life?"
This person who I want in my life.....

It feels better to be wanted, not just needed. 

Seeing how deep my issues have been. All this time. 
And making changes to this is very hard
because I've had these habits for a long time. 
Like trying to fix things because I want them to be fixed. 
Trying to explain because I want to be understood. 
Trying to have control when I could have had an influence. 
A better influence, but I was under the influence. 

I wasn't a good influence to myself. Still, I haven't been. 
Yes, I've needed good influences in my life. 
And I needed to stop being so stubborn and selfish. 
And needed to stop putting things off for a better time. 
I lost a lot of time. I lost lots of opportunities. 
I lost a lot of chances that I didn't take. 

It's really hard to admit it and doesn't feel good. 
It's hard to get out of this energy and to move forward. 
And all these fears I have are holding me back from living life. 

I used to not worry so much. I used to feel as though things were okay. 
And that all I had to be was myself, but I wasn't good enough. 
To just be myself. I was being things that I'm not. 
And things I don't actually want to be. 

I had told my mother that I didn't want to see my father anymore. 
And my mother told my father for me. 
I was upset because I kept getting hurt
by him telling me he was coming to get me
and not coming to get me. 
Being happy and excited to hurt and disappointed. 

I'm not a perfect person and I really wish I hadn't started drinking. 
Drinking just made things worse. 
And I don't drink anymore, but I still make things worse. 
And why? Why do I sabotage myself? Constantly?
Why do I do that to myself?
Because I don't know how to stop doing it?
Why do I do that? Because I don't think about it?
"Hey, A***, you better think before you do this.
Is it going to actually fix it?
Or is it going to make things worse?"

And when you really want to fix things.... 
And you really don't want to make things any worse.... 
And you don't know how to fix things.... 
Things have the chance of getting worse. 

Like the connections I f*cked up. 
This year, I've broken important bonds. 

If they were so important, would they have broken?
Under the weight of my stupidity? Maybe. 
There's only so much anyone can take. Of me. 
I know this. Yet, I wasn't being careful.

I have to be more aware of how things look to others. 
Even though not everything is the way it seems. 

Like when I reread messages from someone on the messenger app. 
And I accidentally put a reaction on a message. 
When I didn't mean to do it, but it looked like I did. 
And that I was saying that I didn't, but I also didn't know
how to remove it, either. 
It was accidental, but it looked another way. 

And the other night, I was reading messages. 
And I accidentally put a reaction on like 3 or 4, 
in a row and I had to remove them quickly. 
And the person could see that I had left them, 
even though, I hadn't done that in a long time. 
And it just made me look even more crazy. 
And it was an accident. 
But had I not been looking at the messages, 
I wouldn't have accidentally reacted to them. 

And it was that I wasn't being careful when I was scrolling. 
Because I sometimes forget how the thing is triggered
and trying to swipe when it is triggered
ends up causing one of those reaction things to get put on there. 
And when it's the angry one, it makes me look like I'm
reacting in anger when I didn't mean to react at all. 
And I try to fix it by trying to explain that it was accidental. 
And apologizing for it. 
And it just looks like a fake apology when I 
accidentally did it before. And it's annoying. 
But I never meant for it to look that way. 
Because it wasn't on purpose. 

So I try to explain myself, but it seems like I'm trying
to talk people out of some idea they have of me. 
Some perception they made about me. 
When I just want to tell them the truth. 
And they want the truth, too. 

And it frustrated them and me
when the truth seems like it isn't the truth. 

One thing I hated with dealing with the cops
was for whatever reason, they thought I was lying
and I was telling them the truth
when others were lying. 

Like the time my mother got assaulted and the cops came
and talked to the people who assaulted my mother
before coming to talk to us.
And they played the race card and tried making it seem
like it was about race, but it wasn't. 
So they had it in their heads that it was
and treated my mother like it was her fault. 

So I'd rather someone just ask me something
instead of jumping to conclusions about me. 
And give me a chance to explain and tell the truth. 

"Yes, I was reading our messages.
Because I miss you and miss talking with you. 
I wasn't careful scrolling, and I kept triggering that reaction box thing, 
and kept trying to scroll once it got triggered.
And that's how those got left.

I am definitely not angry or trying to be any type of way. 
I was just missing you and 
I've been wanting to reach out to you, 
but I feel like I can't anymore."

I'm the one who ruins good things. 
So why should I be mad at anyone but myself?
Because I think someone else will understand?
See me making mistakes and tell me I'm forgiven?
Talk to me about the mistakes I'm making?

Yeah, things look a certain way, 
but they aren't always the way they look. 

If I hadn't forgotten how easily the thing gets triggered
when I'm scrolling
and to not to try to scroll so fast
when they get triggered. 
Like the reaction thing gets left
before I realize that I triggered the box again. 
And to do it 3 or 4 times in the span of a few minutes?
Do others do that? Hasn't happened to me. 
Usually it is done with intent. This wasn't. 

But trying to explain that it wasn't intentional
somehow makes it seem worse? IDK.
I really wasn't upset about anything. 
Yes, I'm sad that we haven't been talking. 
And that we might not talk for a while. 
And that he might not even want to talk to me anymore. 
But that doesn't make me mad about anything he said. 
Or feel any other type of way. 
There were a couple of thumbs up
and that made it seem like spite or something. IDK. 

I had someone do that to me. 
He had invited me over and I was still on my way
to meet him and he thought I wasn't coming
so he sent me a thumbs up. 
But I knew why he did that. 
And that he did that on purpose. 

I didn't see it until I got back home. 
I did that to him, too. 
When he was ignoring me for some girl. 
When we were in the middle of a conversation
and he started talking to her and I saw everything. 
Things like that.

But why would I do that to messages that are already 
like a week old....
When I don't even generally do that?
Just made it look like I was being and acting crazy. 
When I never even intended on doing that. 

But anyway, I know how things look. 
I think about that sometimes. 

But I guess not enough to prevent myself from doing it. 
So that I don't look like I'm doing that when I'm not. 
When I actually had different intentions. 

Then I'm concerned about how it looked. 
And how I looked. 
Because it matters to me that I don't look a type of way
that I'm actually not. 

But it's not like I can control anyone's perception of me.
I can only influence people. 
But when they see me making mistakes, 
my mistakes influence their perception of me. 
And if they are mistakes others aren't making, 
it just looks worse for me. 

I wish I was perfect! Proper! Normal! Better!
I get mad at myself for things like this. 
Because I shouldn't be making these mistakes. 

"So what? You accidentally put reaction things on messages
that you weren't trying to put them on...." A bunch of times.
And others don't do that. Even by accident. 
Because they know how it works, 
know how scrolling works, 
know how to prevent themselves from doing that. 
So why don't you?
Why do you do it?

And it's not like I am actually doing it on purpose
and just saying it was an accident. It was actually an accident. 
How do YOU accidentally do it, though, A***.
Try to explain that.