Would We Want To?

 "You life is right now, A***."
All the time spent on overthinking.... Worrying... Etc....
Takes away time from actually living. 
And doing the work on myself that I could be doing. 

I have to start from where I am, not where I want to be. 
Because I haven't gotten there, yet. 

And the longer I stay here, and just.... 
It's not making a difference. 
Yes, it's okay to have regrets. 
It's okay to feel shame. 
But living in it.... Takes away from living. 

I still don't know how the future will unfold. 
Being scared every moment of the day... 
Even when I'm trying to sleep... Isn't helping. 
I don't know how to get rid of these fears. 
I don't want them to consume me. 

And can we do everything we can, make less mistakes
and things still go wrong? Yeah, it can still happen. 
Being afraid of that isn't going to make it not happen. 
It increases the chances of that happening. 

Like being scared of losing someone. 
Other fears.... Compounded over time. 
Fears that the people we love are going to stop loving us.
Fears that the people we wouldn't hurt, might hurt us. 
All kinds of things we can't control
but worrying about it, being scared of it.... 
Usually causes it to happen. 
And even knowing this.... It's hard to stop worrying
and hard to stop being scared.

Why am I so scared about losing people I love?
Why am I so scared about getting hurt?
Why am I so scared about things I can't control?
Because at any point, people can leave. 
At any point they can change their minds about us. 
But I know that I cause them to change their minds. 
Most of the time. If I didn't, would they have a reason to?
If I didn't give them one?
If I didn't give them an out, would they have given themselves one?
Or would they have stayed until they couldn't?
Or would they have stayed longer?

I have to let people leave if they want to. 
I can't convince them they should stay. 
If they wanted to, they would have etc. 
They have their lives and their lives have nothing to do with me. 
They are going through their own things
that have nothing to do with me. 

So why did I give him an out?
Was he looking for one?
Would he have given up on me for some reason?

Anyway, I feel like I have to start all over again. 
All the work I had done and was doing, it just got derailed. 
And I can't discount the work I'd already done, 
but it's like I lost a lot and have to go back and heal again. 

And this is so f*cking hard to heal from. I shake, I break, daily. 
But no, I cannot count on anything to make me feel secure.
I have to become stable and strong
so that these feelings go away. 
So these fears go away. 
So that I can stop getting jolted awake. 
So that I can stop feeling these feelings in the pit of my stomach. 
And just feel relaxed, calm, clear, stable, secure....
Without needing anything.
Without thinking that I need to know the future. 
Without trying to predict it with my fears. 
Because that's not going to go the way we want it to go. 

It's so hard to stay strong with things going wrong. 
Because my whole being wants to fix it. 
And I don't know how to fix it. 
Especially when I made mistakes. So many of them. 
That are not easy to fix and some are impossible to fix. 
Because that would require going back in the past
and not doing the things that I did. 
But obviously, I can't do that. 

And what if today was the last day we got to live?
Would we want to live in fear?
In a constant state of anxiety?
Worried about a future that's not going to come?
About things that might not even happen?
That won't if it's your last f*cking day on planet Earth?

And I feel like trying to feel better
is like trying to stick my head in the sand. 

Like the whole time I have to face reality, 
I'm just going to keep feeling this way. 
And this is why people drink and do drugs. 
For some numbness. 
Because they don't like the feelings
that tend to come up when they have to face reality. 

It's hard to see myself, to see what I have become. 
Some people can accept themselves, some can't. 

I'd have a lot easier time to accept myself
if I'd done better for myself and for others. 
Like had I not f*cked up so much of my life. 
In the ways that I f*cked it up. 

All because I wanted to be happy?
All because I wasn't?
Did any of it make me happy?
Some of it. Sometimes. 

But it only lead me here. 
But are you not far from where you were?
By how far, though? 

I'm not homeless, but could be, again.
I'm not taking drugs every day. 
I'm not drinking anymore. 
I'm not smoking anymore. 

I still have a long way to go. I know it. 
And why wouldn't guys want someone
who is so much further than I am?
Who has something to offer other than themselves?

It's not that I'm looking for love now. 
I can't go there. Feeling like this.... 
Showing up like this.... 
Even when I'm stronger, I don't think I can. 

Sometimes the flirting feels good, 
but when I let it feel too good, then I can't. 
But the only one I want to flirt with, 
the only one who was doing it for me.... 
I was not doing it for him with any of this stuff. 
And my past definitely wouldn't do it for anyone. 
And not my present... 

So I feel guilty for enjoying it
when I know it won't last very long. 
All good things come to an end. 
We just hope it has a happy ending, 
but the endings I've had were abrupt, 
like WTF just happened?!

And then I feel that loss, heavily. And pain with it. 
Like it is opening up a new wound.
Over a very old, deep one. 

And nobody wants to be around that. I get it. 
My friends don't want to hear about what I'm going through. 
And they can only say and do so much. 
And it's a toll on them to deal with me. 

It's just a lot of pain. I don't know what to do with it. 
It's been a painful year. For many. 

It takes me a long time to go through the process. 
To start feeling better, decent. 
I don't know why it takes so long after a loss. 
And it's so hard to get over things. To let go. 
Like I have to keep holding on forever
because I don't want to let go forever. 

And that sounds like I want to chain someone to a radiator
or something like that, but I don't and won't. 
It's not like that. I'm not like that. 
It's energetically hard to let go.
Physically, I do not have the choice. 
Emotionally, I can't do it easily. 
Even when someone hurts me, 
it's still hard to let go. 

I knew someone who's brother almost killed him. 
And he still has a relationship with his brother. 
Albeit, not the best, because he tried to kill him, 
but he still has his brother in his life. 

Then that lady... Saw her on a talk show. 
She forgave her attacker who almost killed her... 
They are in each other's lives. 

It's hard to fathom that. It is.
Would you not want to see someone who tried to kill you?
Would you forgive them, but be thankful they are in jail?
Or not forgive them?

There was one episode I watched...
Where a woman shot a woman in the face and she apologized to her.
After she got out of jail, 
and they saw each other for the first time since the shooting.... 
That was something. 
Imagine being lucky enough to get the chance
to say you're sorry and being forgiven?
For something most people couldn't forgive you for?

But it doesn't change the fact that it happened. 

And one video I saw of a girl in court... 
She helped her boyfriend lure a guy from a dating site
and the boyfriend shot him and robbed him. 
The girl was being used to lure the guy from the site. 
She knew what she was doing,
but didn't know the guy was going to be shot. 

At first, she got 20 years in prison.
Then she got a reduced sentence of 11 years. 
Thinking that if she took the plea deal, she wouldn't go to jail...

Anyway, I'm still really shook right now. 
I don't know how to cope very well. 
Writing can only do so much. 
And I don't have a lot left. 

I feel like I was in a better place a couple years ago. 
And just coming out of something
to get hit with a couple more things.... 
And I feel like this isn't the end of it.... 
And that's not a good feeling to have. 

I should probably go take a walk.
Sometimes that helps. 

I miss the summer and heading to the beach. 
I've got a lot of bird seed left from when I had pigeons on the balcony. 
I could bring some with me and go feed the birds. 
The ducks are still out as far as I know. 

Been seeing a lot of stuff about myself that is... Not normal. 
Lots of traits and just stuff that I really don't like about myself. 
I guess I hadn't been very honest with myself. 
Been seeing some emotional things. 
It's up and down, mostly. 
Had an ex tell me that he thinks I'm bipolar. 
I told him I was never diagnosed as that. 
He said he could tell just by talking to me. 
I'd go from okay, to DOWN, then some days would be better. 

An overload on the emotional front. 
A lot of stuff is hard to take. 
Still don't really know how to take it. 
Maybe the fact that I don't know how to take it
is what the issue is. 
And maybe I wanted to know how they would take it. 
I don't seem to have that figured out. 
I assume normal people have a normal range of emotions. 
It seems that I know down very well. 
I've seen up a bunch of times. 
It's that I'm having a hard time with that. 
And figuring out what to do about that. 
But it's not up to anyone to tell me that. 

It's like HIGH anxiety, low or moderate. 
ALL the time. And I don't know what to do about it. 
I try things to help me relax, but it's ALL the time.
The night jolts get me. 
It's like, "I'm sleeping, why do I feel like this?"
Imagine not being able to sleep because you're on alert?
ALL the time?

And this didn't start getting bad until this year. 
Well, last year. Maybe a couple years before that....
When my son and my ex had stopped talking to me. 
But got worse now. 

Seems like there is some sociopathy. 
In my ex and my son. 
And I guess there were some signs earlier, 
but I hadn't really picked up on it until recently. 

And I guess there's been some things like detachment
in some areas in myself. 
I find it more lately because of how I don't know how to take things. 
Like the things that are hard to take....

"How do I feel about this?" 
There are certain emotions that I do have, 
but I guess I hadn't seen how I'm numb in certain areas. 
I thought that I wasn't because I used to feel things normally. 
Took things as well as I could
even though they were hard to take. 

I mean, I wasn't like overtly bawling at my Grandmother's funeral. 
She was the world to me. 
And I should have spent even more time with her. 
I understood how she felt lonely. 
And she wanted love like I did. 
That's why we were so close.

I've seen how things looked after, like I didn't care, but I do. 
Of course I do. I just can't express some feelings. 
I wasn't going to break down in front of anyone. 

I can cry, still. Not often, but it's real. 
When I don't know how to feel... 
When it's overwhelming. 
When I'm really down, I can't even cry, though. 

And a lot of people would cry. 
And I don't until much, much, later. 
If I can even cry then. 
But, yes, I do feel an overwhelming sense of loss. 
And the anxiety because that doesn't go away, 
and then I feel down because I get scared. 

Anyway, it's just a lot to take
and never started getting this bad before. 
And I don't know what to do about it.