Awake Early

Awake early today, like most days. 
"The cure for pain is in the pain." Rumi.
It's been hard. Struggling with people walking away. 
Because of the things I've been struggling with. 
And I can see that. It's still pretty painful. 

Not being 'normal' takes a toll on my soul. 
Been seeing even more things about myself that I don't like. 
"You're so f*cked that you don't know how f*cked you are."
"That must have been hard to take." Someone said about that. 
Didn't disagree with it. Just acknowledged that 
it must have been hard to take. It was. 

Most people are. Not just me. 

I mean, there are people who have it together. 
I've met a few, but I f*cked it up with them. 

And I'm beside myself these days. 
It's been really hard to cope with everything. 
And to really look at myself. All the things I hate about myself. 
And seeing what I must look like to other people. 
And wanting to be 'normal.'
And not wanting to feel the way I feel. 
About myself, about my life. 

How did I f*ck up so badly?
"Because you're so f*cked
you don't know how f*cked you are."

But getting honest with myself has helped. 
It definitely doesn't feel good, but it has helped. 

I really can't see many people accepting me
for exactly who I am and how I am. 

I struggle to have a real conversation. 
I want to talk about real things. 
Few people get to see the true me. 
It's hard for me to keep things at a surface level. 
But it's better for them. 
Maybe they'd be happier with that version of me. 
The version where nothing is wrong. 
The version I used to be. The happier version. 
I feel f*cking destroyed. 
And all I can bring is my own destruction. 
I'm not the same person I used to be. In a lot of ways. 
It's hurting. I miss some things about myself. 
How I used to feel. 

It's humbled me in some ways. 
Because I know that people aren't going to like me, always. 
They aren't going to want to stick around
and find out the level of the damage. 
And I don't want to damage anyone else. 
I feel like I damaged my son.
I know that his father did. 
I know others did, too. 
I couldn't see that. 
Feeling like there's nothing I can do about that
is hurting, too. 

Just because we think things are going to be okay
doesn't mean that they will be or that they are. 
I couldn't see that, either. 

And I've been pretty emotional about everything. 
I don't even know how to feel about anything.
Sometimes it feels like I'm along for the ride
and it's been a f*cked up ride. 

I can't ignore the past and pretend that it's not my past. 
I can't control how anyone reacts to anything. 
Or how they react to me. 
And no matter how I try to explain anything
it just doesn't make any sense. 

Like this isn't easy. It really isn't easy. 
And how is any of this supposed to feel good?
I don't wish anyone to feel this way. 
I know some people go through this stuff, too. 

I blame myself for everything. 

I can't expect anyone to see things the way I see them. 
Is it even possible? 
And all I can do is pray these days. 
That the people around me see the light. 
That they change their minds. 
That they want to see things differently. 
Bu it's up to them.

I've been stuck in how I saw things, too. 
How I acted immaturely and didn't set a good example. 
How I reacted poorly. I blame myself. 
For everything I did. 
When I didn't know better. I know better now.

And who's going to see it that way?
Who's going to forgive me for that?
Who's going to see who I am now?
Who's going to like me for me?
And not be scared off by what I reveal to them?

It's like after I quit drinking, people still see me as an alcoholic. 
I've heard the term: Dry Drunk. 
A drunk who doesn't drink anymore. 

I couldn't see how f*cked up I was or still am. 
Now that I see it, I want to run from everyone
And hide from the world. 
And think that every time I try to make it out there... 
Be close with or to anyone.... 
I will either ruin it, or when they start seeing
all my flaws and I tell them some things
that I probably shouldn't tell them about me... 
It's like it just ends. Abruptly. 
And it doesn't matter how much I like the person. 
I have to stop liking them
because they stop liking me. 
And I don't control how anyone reacts to me. 

It seems few can see who I really am. 
But I've seen some tendencies about myself
that I really don't like about myself. 
That took me a long time to see. 
That are still really injuring any chance
of having something, anything solid in the future. 

I see how I can come across to people, though. 
I'm starting to see that more and more. 
I don't like it. 

Some people in my life have seen that I'm really not so bad. 
I do care, but haven't been able to show it. 
That's one of the worst feelings. 
Caring, but others don't believe you. 
Like they need proof. All the time. 
And I do try to show it, in the ways I know how. 

But it's like I forget how to talk to people now. 
Because it's like I'm just alone with my thoughts. Mostly. 
And a lot of the time, I just don't know what to say. 

Flirting's been nice, but I start feeling other things. 
So I can't go there. Even though it feels nice. 
I wanted to, and wanted that, but.... 
It's like I can't just live in that. 
It would be nice, but had relationships
where it was about that, mostly. 
Like I wasn't much more than that to them. 
So what was the point in any of that?
Why was I looking for love?
Why did I think it'd make me happy?
Why did I think it would help me feel safe?
Safe from the things I don't feel safe from?
Because why? Because I wasn't thinking?
Safe from myself? "Oh love, save me!"?
And somehow this is what we are taught. 
Because that is how I thought, too. 
And because of this, I wasn't saving myself. 
And now that I have to, I really have to. 
Because there's really not a lot left of me to save.... 
And I still don't really know how to fight for myself. 
Because I never was doing that. 
Until I quit drinking. That was the time I was really trying
to turn myself around. 

But apparently, I still had to try dating or whatever
a few more times to get it. 
That that's not what's going to save me. 
That the love I imagined doesn't f*cking exist. 
And there's going to be women who aren't broken. 
Who aren't damaged. Who are easier to love. 
Who are better in so many ways. 
Who'll make the guy happy. Happier than I could make him. 

Because I haven't been happy in a long time. 
I remember some good times, 
but it hasn't been a good time in a while. 
Maybe the times I was distrated by some lust or something, 
or thought about how things might be or could be... 
But in reality.... Who could love me?
Save it for the girls who aren't so f*cked
that they don't know how f*cked they are. 
Who are magical and everything I'm not. 
Let them find that mythical love.
Let them be happy. 

And I can't pretend like I'm not f*cked up. 
I can do it, but only for so long. 

But there's this side of me where my life's been imploding. 
And a lot has been beyond my control. 
There's only so much that has been in my control. 
And it's not that I've wanted control over others, 
but I guess I wanted to be treated like other people. 
And a lot of sh*t seemed to only happen to me. 
Like they were able to treat others better than how they treated me. 
It's not that I'm entitled to have special treatment. 
It's that I wanted respect, too. 

But I can't force people to respect me. 
Or accept me. Or forgive me, 
or to see anything good about me....
Trying to have any of that kind of blew up in my face. 
Even when I wanted understanding... 
Can I force anyone to understand me?! No.
Either they do or they don't. 
Either they will or they won't. 
But it's not up to me. 
So why do I try to explain myself to anyone?
Why do I tell them anything about me?
Why do I let all the ugly parts out about myself?
"If you're still here, you must like me? For me?"
What for? To see if they could? Might? Will?
Or to see that they wouldn't, might not, won't?

All to feel completely alone all over again. 
All to feel completely rejected all over again. 
And it'd be nice to have a few friends. 
I have a very few who know
that I'm not some horrible person. 
I did f*ck up things in the past. 
And now I see how f*cked up I am. 
And I couldn't see it when I needed to see it. 
And others see it, they run. 
And I can't blame them for doing it.
I used to, but, it's a lot to do with me. 
And how selfish I've been. 

It's that I have to get through this alone, now. 
Somehow. The old ways of looking for things
that I felt I've been missing in my life
aren't working and they never did. 
And I wasn't aware that I was coming across like that. 
Or that I was being like that. 
It wasn't an intentional thing. It was subconscious stuff. 
I know how it feels. I do. 
To feel alone and lonely, but did not realize why. 
And to have been so cold to people. 
When I wanted to be warm
and show warmth.... To show compassion. 
To show I care. Because I do. 

It's that I wasn't being considerate. I wasn't. 
And when I see that I wasn't... I loathe myself. 
And I felt guilty for taking more than I gave. 
Because I know it didn't feel right. It wasn't. 
When really, I can't expect very much. 
And I shouldn't. 

It's hard when I haven't fully developed. 
To be in a world where others have. 
And developed well. 
And to struggle to develop, too. 
And think that others have good intentions, 
when they don't always. 

There's willful ignorance and then there's just stupidity. 
Like people who do know better, 
but there are people who really don't know better. 
And I'm not sure if the fact that I see how stupid I was
makes me slightly less stupid, or if there's a such thing. 
And that's a stupid thing to say. 
And most of what I write is stupid and means nothing. 
Just helps me feel better to write. 

It used to feel better to talk to people
until a person accuses you of only talking to them to feel better. 
And it's like I still want to talk to that person, 
but they don't want to talk to me anymore
because they are convinced that was the only reason
that I was talking to them. 
And it hurts to be thought of that way.
It does feel good to talk to someone, though. 
But that's not why I was talking to them.
I wanted to get to know them. 
I wanted them to know me, too. 
But they have to want to know me
and why would they want to?
The fact that I'm really struggling
doesn't make anyone want to know me. 
It makes them not want to know me. 

And I can relate with others who are struggling, too. 
And maybe I can really help someone one day... 
But I can't force them to let me try. 
They have to want that from me. 
And even at the times I tried, did I succeed?
Or did I push them away?

Wanting help and being able to accept it are different things. 
And it's like those who were willing to help me
can only do so much. I know this.

What they've done for me, over the years
has really helped me. Even if only for a short time. 
And they did it for me. 
And that always made me feel guilty
because what can I do for them?
Not a lot. Not what they did for me. 

Went through a lot of sh*t in my life. 
Like I can't feel bad about everything for the rest of my life. 
"If you dwell on it, you'll make yourself miserable
and everyone around you."

"Do you not see that all your misery 
comes from the strange belief that you are powerless?"

It feels like this. Because of the things that are beyond my control. 
The things that I still have to accept. 
The things that are hard to take.
It doesn't exactly make me feel powerful. 

"Is what you're holding onto worth the space
it's taking up?"

Holding onto things that we struggle to forgive people for?
Holding onto our skewed perceptions of people?
Holding onto grudges?
Holding onto insecurities?
Holding onto pain?
Holding onto grief?
Holding onto people who don't want to be in our lives?
Who don't want us in their lives?

The times I thought I was teaching someone else a lesson,
I was actually learning a lesson. 

Did I have to find myself completely alone to look at myself?
Did I have to push people away who I pushed away?
Did it take all this to show me?
And what it has shown me, I can't show others. 
They have to want to see it. And be able to see it. 

Was I seeing that I was pushing people away?
Was I seeing that I can't show people
who don't want to be shown?

It's like running from my past made it catch up to me. 
Like I was trying to stop it from doing
by distracting myself with things. 
Even with conversations. 
With people who would converse with me. 
Until it got too distracting for them. 

But I have to face it. To heal from a lot of sh*t. 
A lot gets triggered over and over and over again. 
Really painful stuff that I can't seem to stop thinking about. 
How I've failed at life. 
How I just wanted to be myself, 
how I'm not like most people. 
How selfish I've been. 
A lot of people are selfish, too. 
A lot of people can't see what they've been doing, either. 
That does not justify being selfish. 

Feels sh*tty wanting to talk to people
who won't talk to you anymore. 
And knowing why they won't. 
And wishing you kept it at a good level
as to not f*ck yourself over. 
And not let yourself need them in your life. 
And not let yourself feel like you're not good enough
to be in their life. 

And you see them online and want to reach out. 
And try to tell them these things. 
Or just say 'good morning.' Without it seeming fake. 
But the more real you get with them, 
the more they see the ugliness. 
And the flaws....
So I can't depend on the conversations, 
and the distrations to feel better. 
Because when that's all I have, that's all I have. 
And I don't want to just have people in my life
because it feels better to have them in my life. 
Because although the sentiment seems nice, 
it makes me seem a certain way, but I'm not. 

And maybe that's why I don't have many people in my life anymore. 
Because they saw me as someone
who wanted them in my life because it felt better. 
Not because I actually appreciate them as a person. 
It does feel good to know that I'm wanted
in someone's life. It does. 
But when I'm not, it shouldn't feel like it does. 
Rejection shouldn't feel like this. 

Should just be something to accept. 

It just feels like this because they saw something in me
that they didn't like
and that thing wasn't like the things they did like about me. 

And the things they did like about me
are things they also like about others.

There was something I was reading. 
About a man who's wife died of cancer. 
And at her funeral, he was pretty composed. 
And someone asked him how he was so composed. 
And he said: "It was just something that happened. 
That I couldn't control. I had to accept it."

I couldn't see things any other way than how I saw them. 
But others couldn't see anything any other way than how they saw them.
And pain can put blinders on us. 
All kinds of things can act like filters. 
Depression being one of those things. 

Why would they want to talk to me knowing who I was?
What I've been through?
Where I've been?
"Are you your past?" But am I my present?

Why would they want to talk to me knowing
what I'm going through?

Knowing that I'm going through things
because of who I was is a big f*cking slap of reality. 
And it's really hard to sit with these feelings. 
That's why I would go to the bar. 
And try to run from it and wish I could still run from it. 
I don't know how to heal from this. 
I don't know how or if I can heal my son from this. 
That is the worst feeling of all. 
That he has so much healing to do. 
That he pushed his pain down and can't handle it, 
but won't talk to me about it. 
The pain I caused. 
Because he doesn't trust me anymore. 
Doesn't love me or care about me anymore. 
He wants it so that I don't exist to him anymore. 

He's been going through things, too. 
And he has to on his own, without me. 
And I hope that he can do it on his own. 
Because I know that pain causes anger.
And I was supposed to be th one who would never hurt him. 
Or allow him to be hurt. 
And I didn't know that he was being hurt. 

And I didn't realize how damaged I was. 
"You're so f*cked that you don't know how f*cked you are."
Can I not say the same is true for a lot of other people, too?
Am I the only f*cked up person on this planet?
No? Then why do people go out of their way
to make it seem that I am?
To make it seem like I'm completely helpless/hopeless?

There isn't much hope for me if I can't
help myself become a better person. 
But I have, in a lot of ways. 

Something shut off in me a long time ago. 
A lot has shut off in me.
Turning that back on is hard. 
I thought I found someone who was going to help me
by helping to bring out the best in me. 
And that's what I wanted to do for my son. 

The communication was an issue, though. 
Although we were just starting to talk again this year. 
After 2 years of not talking. 
Because he kept ignoring my calls and messages. 
Him and his father did. 

But no matter how much I tried to convince him
that he could have a future
and that he's smart etc
He didn't want to hear it. Maybe he did, but not from me. 

Like he sees most of his relatives as people
who didn't really prepare for the future. 
Who haven't done their best. 
When it came to him or to themselves. 
So I can see why he feels the way he feels about himself. 
He doesn't have to be like any of them. 
He didn't get what I didn't get. 
And he should have. He should have. We both should have. 
But it's not a reason to hold onto that. 
I've had to let it go. 
That I didn't live a normal life. 
That I didn't have the closeness of a close family. 
That I was only close with my Grandmother.
Without her, I would have been a different person. 
I disappointed her many times, but I was there for her at the end. 
I am mad at myself for not speaking up for her. 
Not speaking up for myself. 
Not speaking up for my son. 

All because I was taught not to say anything?
Saying something would make it worse?
Because other people would rather get angry
than to feel bad about what they are doing?

And every time I made someone angry, I felt bad about myself?
Instead of teaching someone with patience?
And instead of feeling bad, I wanted to get mad?
Being mad didn't always help me feel better. 
It made me feel like I had a sense of control, 
but I actually didn't. 

And the ones who controlled me with their anger
by making me feel bad about myself
just made me feel bad about myself. 
Enough to comply or whatever. 
Or do what they expected me to do. 
It wasn't teaching me anything except to get mad. 
There were other ways of approaching things. 
Ways I didn't or couldn't think of. In those moments. 
I hate that I was taught that and that I was ever like that. 
Because I know how it feels. 

And I didn't get to teach my son differently. 
His father taught him what his father taught him. 
I really hope he meets people are able to teach him differently. 
And that he reaches a point when he gets older
that he can see some of the things that I see. 

We have the chance to break the teachings, but we have to learn better. 
We only have so much of a chance. 
We have to know how much of a chance we have. 
And we have to want to take that chance. 
We only have so much time. 

Like do we have to use shame and guilt to teach people
what they need to be ashamed and guilty of?
And if they don't feel ashamed or guilty?
If they really DGAF?

And to know you care... Is it to feel shame and guilt?
Or is it that you wouldn't do anything
to feel ashamed of or guilty about
so that you don't ever feel bad about yourself?

And saying that I wasn't the worst mother in the world
doesn't make me the best or even good. 
Even if I did the best I could with what I knew. 
Which was f*ck all. 
Do I know anything now? I know some. 
I'm still learning. But I started learning late. 

And the shame and guilt? That's f*cking real. 
It's really hard to move past it
when you feel it real deep. 
And it doesn't seem to ever go away. 
And yeah we are supposed to GAF.
Enough of a f*ck to want to learn. 

When people have had bad experiences
in learning environments, 
it doesn't make them want to learn or learn. 

I f*cked up. A lot. I really f*cking f*cked up. 
There were no maturity classes.
And that's what they actually need at school. 
How to think, not what to think. 
If the parents don't know, they can't teach their kid. 
If the schools aren't teaching things
that the parents aren't teaching... 
But it isn't up to the schools. 

The school system here, isn't the same as the one in Japan. 
What a different culture we'd have. 
What a different world we'd have.
Cultures do make a difference. 

Canadian culture is different from American culture, 
but not by much. Pretty heavily influenced. 

But there are different subcultures within the main culture. 
And someone was pointing out to me the other day
that the word cult is in culture. 
Hadn't seen it that way before, but there it is. 

Maturity has to be taught. It's not always something caught. 
Like "they'll just mature on their own." Not exactly. 

If I had the support I needed to support myself now
I'd be there. Already. 
But I can't blame anyone for not giving me
the support I needed. 
That I didn't get when I was supposed to have that. 
And when I asked for it, I got
"What do you want ME to to?!"

Like I was saying "Support ME because I need it."
But they couldn't or wouldn't show up. 
It was hard to take that I could not count on anyone
when I really needed someone.
But it's nobody's job to be there to be counted on. 

That's what it's been like when I wanted to count on someone
and they showed me they could be counted on. 
And they were doing it for me. 
But it seemed like I was counting on them too much. 
Because I just actually let myself need it. 
From them. 
But it wasn't that I only needed that. 
It was that I hadn't had that. 
And I shouldn't get used to having anything
that I don't actually have. 
Shouldn't let things feel good
just because they feel good
because there's so much to feel bad about?
Because it won't last?
Because I can't just let things feel good anymore?
Because there's so much that doesn't. 

So the things that don't feel so bad... 
I want to keep those things
and keep those things from making me feel bad, 
but I somehow ruin it by wanting to keep those things. 
and keep those things from making me feel bad. 

And I keep feeling bad. 
And keep making mistakes and keep feeling bad.
And it's just a thing that I haven't been able to break out of. 

So when something feels good, I seem to want that. 
But I'm the one who let it feel good. 
And when it's gone, it doesn't feel good. 

That is the trend in the heart break support group. 
I've gone through it, too. 

I let being drunk feel good. 
Because I was numb to things that I didn't know how to handle. 
That I felt I couldn't handle because I didn't know how to. 
And I couldn't even handle myself. 
Not well under the influence.
Not even the best now. 
I can barely f*cking talk to people. 
And when I really like someone, 
I give them every reason why they could see me
differently than how they see me. 
To see if they'd stay....
And when they don't, then they don't. 

And I couldn't see that before, that I was using it. 
Or really why I was using it. 
Or why I was using anything. 
For anything. 

But I realized it was something
that I had gotten used to doing. 
And didn't realize I was doing it. 
While I was doing it. 

Using something to help me feel better. 
Instead of just trying to feel better. 
Like I needed to have something to be happy about. 
As much as I had to be sad about. 
So that I could balance it out. 
A stupid way of thinking. 

That's why it was easier to feel happier for others, 
but a lot of people feel some sort of jealousy. 
I have to admit, I feel it at times. 

And there were times guys would try to make me jealous on purpose. 
And there were a couple of times
I had told a few people something good
and they got jealous, but really... 
Nobody has any reason to feel jealous of me. 
That is a fact. 
There were a couple times a couple of girls were jealous of me
because some guy they liked, liked me. 
But that rarely happens. 
And I have my reasons for not getting close to anyone. 

I feel like I shouldn't have gotten really close to
a lot of people I started feeling close to. 
Because I know what it feels like to lose people. 
But if you never have them, you can't lose them. 

Anyway.... Feeling things pretty deeply. 

I know what I should be doing. Other than just blogging.
I guess I've been using it to help me feel a bit better. 
Healthier than trying to or wanting to have a bond
with someone and not having that bond. 

But I broke the bonds I had. 
And I feel that pretty deeply. 
Why did I think having a bond would make me happy?
To feel bonded? A sense of security?
This feels better? Than feeling insecure?
It would somehow help me feel safe?
Protected? From what?
The views of the rest of the world?
As long as they viewed me in a decent light?
For how long?

And a lot of that in this world. I see it in myself now. 
I can admit it. That I'm not totally mature, or secure. 
And yes, that is repulsive. Even in myself. 
And maybe I'm being too harsh, again... 

"She doesn't know any better" isn't an excuse for not knowing better. 
Learning as you go... It does work, 
but when you learn from things like 20 years later.... 
What good is it to you?
It can only be applied by others who have the chance to apply it. 
If they choose to apply it. 
Where applicable. 

And I can't even talk like I know what I'm doing. 
I can see more readily in others
than what I can see in myself, but I can see myself in others. 
I see a lot of myself in my son. 
The hurt and disappointment. 
I disappointed my son the way
that my parents disappointed me. 
It was up to me not to do that. 
So why did I do that?
"I didn't know any better"
isn't an excuse for not knowing any better.

And we don't just not learn better
because things are too hard....
Yeah, things are f*cking hard. 
Like admitting things, 
taking responsibility, 
for all my mistakes. 
For myself, for my life, 
for everything that I need to take responsibility for. 
That I wasn't taught how to take responsibility for. 
That I'm still learning to take responsibility for. 
It's not the easiest thing in the world. 
It seems easy to not take it. 
And what happens is that others learn
not to take it. From you not taking it. 
And that is hard to take. 
So tell me how it's easy?

And admitting things isn't taking full responsibility. 
How other people feel isn't your responsibility. 
No, but how you affect them is. 

"People may forget what you said, 
but they will remember how you made them feel."

And there were times I made my son feel bad. 
I see that now. 
It's not always the best way to correct bad behavior. 
It's okay to make mistakes, 
but we make bad choices, too. 
And when we know what the right choice is, 
we can make that choice
instead of not giving much of a f*ck
unless it affects you. 

Feeling bad makes people think they are bad. 

There was a scam guy who's in internet marketing. 
He ripped off lots of people. 
And people were making comments about it. 
Easy to judge a person based off what they did. 
And if you do stupid sh*t, people will judge you.

And one reason why I've been scared to put myself out there
is that I don't want to be judged by everyone. 
Even though I told someone some things
and then they start judging me and my son
and they could tell everyone. 
I don't know if he has told anyone. 
I wouldn't if he'd told me something private. 
And that could ruin my life. 
If everyone knew. 

And it scares me to try at this business. 
Because someone knows something personal about me
and it could easily be used against me. 
I hope people keep things that are private, private.

It would be cruel of him to do that to me. 
I wouldn't do that to anyone else. 
To use something painful like that against them. 
Being someone I trust, I have to trust him. 
Never had to, but I do. 

Sometimes I'm too trusting, though. 
I hope people who I trust don't break it. 
Things are already hard enough. As they are. 

I can't expect anyone to understand. 
What it's been like. What it's like. 
Unexpectedly, my world changed.
And I hope that the people I know
really actually know me
that I'm not completely crazy....
That they know what kind of heart I have. 
That yes, I did things I shouldn't have done. 
But that doesn't mean that I'm a complete sh*t. 

I do have redeeming qualities. 
I do mean well.  
I did get sober. 
I do care. 

F*ck, this is hard sh*t. Really f*cking hard. 
Quitting drinking was just one thing. 
Although it was hard, it was worth it. 
Maybe I've been put here to help people quit. 
I really don't see what purpose I have. 

I feel like I'm supposed to help someone. 
You couldn't help your son, A***.
He would not let me. 
Am I still supposed to keep trying?
I did that for years. I kept calling, 
I kept trying to see him, spending time with him. 
When I could. And I thought we had a decent time, at times. 
Gave him money when I had it. 

I just... Never saw this coming. 
And I got what I had coming, I guess. 

Maybe there's more coming. 
Not everything can be good all the time. 
Not even when we want it to be.
And not because we want it to be. 
Not just because. 

So I have some things to take, for the rest of my life. 
This is what happens when you f*ck yourself. 
And there are others out there, who are worse than me, by far. 
I do have morals and values. More now. 
I didn't get to instill them. 
I felt I had taught my son right from wrong. 
But he sees me making mistakes
and doing some of the wrong things. 
So that's not teaching him well. 

And he has his dad doing everything for him. 
Most things and my son doesn't want to do much of anything. 
By teaching him that, he's not being taught well. 
And there are other things. 
That I don't agree with, at all. 
That need to be addressed
and I'm not allowed to address them....

And it's like I'm not allowed to have any say
in his life and it's been like that for the last 10 years. 
I've tried talking to his father, a lot. 
Sometimes we'd talk, but he's been hard to talk to. 
Even when we were together. 
But he did put up with a lot from me, 
but besides that, I should have a say in his life
and be able to address things that need to be addressed. 
And should have addressed my alcoholism sooner. 

But I addressed that. I don't drink anymore. 
But I guess I have to let people learn on their own like I had to.

But not everything is the way it seems. 
It just... Sometimes... 
It's not ideal. At all. 

This wasn't what I had in mind for my life. 
And my life could have been another way. 
Had I made better choices. 
Had I chosen to sober up sooner. 
Had I decided not to go back to drinking. 
Had I decided to stay single and work on myself. 
And not tried to date again when I wasn't ready. 
To concentrate more on what really mattered. 
But I was trying to feel better. 
But trying the best I could. 
Very unaware. 
I think back a lot to the past
and wonder why I was ever like that. 
Couldn't see how I was acting, or being. 

Anyway, I need to try to sleep.