Stuck Between

Been considering going to the hospital for a while. 
Been very overwhelming for me lately. 
I have counselling tomorrow. 
At least there's that... So I don't know. 
I feel like a f*cking basketcase. 

Don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with anything. 
Don't know what to do with some things, or about them. 
Feeling like I'm running out of time. To do something. 
But would anything I do make a difference?
Or just make things worse?

All of this is a really huge hit. 
It's hit me so f*cking hard. 
And yes, I guess I'm resisting a lot
because it's still really hard for me to accept. 
And changes feel very f*cking uncomfortable. 
Relationships ending. Important ones. 
People I love. Losing them. 
Feeling abandoned. Feeling lost. 
Feeling alone. Hurting and scared. 
Definitely unbalanced. 
Stuck between the future and the past, 
between emotions. Flooding. 
And the anxiety because there's stuff I don't know. 
And I know how it looked to him, 
but he doesn't know how concerned I am. 
Am I the only one who sees he need help?
Maybe. Because he was only telling me these things. 
And now I feel like I'm going crazy.
Losing it. Really losing it. 
I have to get it together. I have to get myself together. 
I get so overwhelmed that I feel like I can't take it anymore. 
Like all my centers are on fire all at the same time. 
My heart hasn't been doing well, either. 
I'm supposed to be getting a call
about getting into those clinics. 
One is the ED clinic, the other is the heart centre.

I have to live my life, still. Only one other option. 
But I definitely feel like a f*cking basket case. 

This is not how I thought my life was going to go. At all. 

It's not ALL about being ashamed of who I was, and am, 
but it's like I somehow thought things would be different. 

"If things were different then, they'd be different now."
Something about that was pretty comforting to hear, 
but doesn't make it any different. 
Which isn't as comforting as though it were different. 
If that makes any sense.
Maybe the thought that it could have been different.... 
Even though it kinda gets me in my feels. 

It's been a long time since I was in my feels. 
My feelings are all over the place. 
Lots of endings this year, for me. 
Lots of abandonment issues coming up. 
People walking away. 

Still lucky to have the few friends I have.
It really helps to be able to be honest with them. 
To let things off my chest. 
And they are there for me. 
Unlike anyone I ever had in my life. 
It's a really good feeling. 
To know someone cares about me. 
And, of course, I care about them, too. 
True friendship. 

Anyway, I'm dealing with so many feelings
going on at the same time. 
Grief, loneliness, sadness, fear....
Missing people I love, 
but being scared at the same time. 
How can you be afraid of someone you love?
There's where it gets confusing. 
Because I want to love them, but fear creeps in. 
The love's still there, though. 
It'll probably always be there. 
I'd just like to love and be loved
without anything to fear. 
Complete trust. 

Just such a mixed bag of feelings.... 
Pretty intense feelings, sometimes.... 

So tired tonight, can't sleep.
The neighbors upstairs have a kid
who screams for at least an hour every night. 
I don't know why the kid screams every night. 
Never hear the kid except for the screaming. 

Pretty sad tonight. Knowing I have to say goodbye
to people I never thought I would say goodbye to. 
Maybe eventually, but seems too soon
and the way it happened didn't feel good. 
The reasons don't feel good, either. 
And I don't feel good about it. 

I wish things were back to the way things used to be. 
All the special memories....
Been coming back to me.... I'm sad. 
I've been sad without my son. 
Like all the other times I was being ghosted 
by both him and his dad. 
Like all over again, 
but this time might be the last time. 

Maybe I went too far. 
But it wasn't intended to be like that. 
I wanted to make sure he was okay, 
but he also needs help. 
It's not that he's 'crazy,'
but the things he was saying, doing, and thinking about
are causes for concern. 

"You did all that you can do."
Did I have to do it? No.
Did I feel like I had to do something? Yes.
Could I have done something else? Maybe. 
Could I have done something sooner? Yeah. 
I told his dad and thought it was enough, 
but it wasn't enough. 

I don't feel like anything I do is enough,
and it probably isn't. 
It isn't a good feeling
and it follows with the feeling that I need to do more.

A part of me wants to heal my relationship with my son. 
I don't know how I can do that or if I can do that, 
but at the same time, he has to recognize that he needs help
and recognize that he has to get it
and want to get it for himself. 

Been watching the "Sink or Swim" video. 
There are some points in it that are speaking to me.

Hard to sleep. On and off. 
Cold in here.... Feelings come up when I'm asleep. 

I don't know what the future will hold. 
Maybe I did make things worse. Possibly. 
My son probably doesn't trust me anymore. 
It's been hard being trusted with the info. 
Been eating away at me. A lot. Still is.

"You can't let it eat at you."
Maybe it wasn't as bad as it seems. 
But sitting on it only seemed to make it worse, too. 
And I care about him. I love him. 
So it's been eating at me, too. 

And feeling selfish because I wanted to set my mind at ease. 
But my mind is definitely not at ease now.

And I really don't like how things ended between us....
It really doesn't feel good. 
But I am the one who rushed over there. 
I'm the one who caused the police to be called
and caused him to go to the hospital. 
When he didn't want any of it. 

So I brought this on myself. 
When there could have been another way
to approach this. A better way. 
And it feels sh*tty.
That I acted on impulse like that.
And I got what I got. 
And now I don't know what's going on. 
And anxiety's hitting me hard. 

Even though some people told me that I did the right thing. 
Because of how it went and looked, 
I don't think that I did. 
And knowing that things could get worse, or be worse
than I already know.... 
And trying not to think about that.... 

And all that I can do is just try to have a life. 
And try not to dwell on everything so much...
Even though it's driving me crazy. 

And thinking some things that aren't the case....
And that going through this means certain things. 

I am taking my blame in all of this. 
But as my friends have pointed out, 
I can't take all of it. It's not all of mine to take. 
But mine is mine to take and I'm taking it. 

I feel like I can't just act and live like nothing's going on. 
Like I have to deal with what I have to deal with.
But I definitely don't have to make it any worse than it is. 
I don't know how to make it any better. If I did, I would. 

Feel like I am making it worse, already
by worrying so much about things. 
I shouldn't be. I want to trust my son. 
I have trusted him and we were trusting each other. 
Because he told me things he wasn't telling anyone. 
That he wasn't telling his dad. 
And he liked that he could tell me anything. 
And I liked that he told me things. 
It's just that I didn't like the things he told me. 

And I should have asked more questions. 
Instead of making it seem like I didn't care. 
Because I do care. 
It's that those things are hard to hear.
And nobody wants to hear it from their kid. 
And not many people know what to do
if they do hear it from their kids. 
Other than to talk them out of it,
and that seems like 'arguing'
and makes them argue FOR it even more. 
Letting them 'win' the arguement
makes them think they are right.
Even though they are not. 
If they think they are, in their mind, they are. 
So it has to be approached in a way
that they can see what they are saying. 
And question themselves. 
If they aren't questioning themselves.... 
They can't see where they might be wrong. 

Had people get me to question myself
and I needed them to do that to see that my thinking was off. 
Kids need that, too.

Anyway, just because we think things make sense to us
doesn't mean that they make sense.

Sometimes I don't know what to say. 
And sometimes I say the wrong things
in the wrong way, at the wrong time.