F*CKED UP AGAIN

It's been really tough. I think I f*cked up, again. 
I was told I was doing the right thing. 
I thought that I was, but I can't sleep now. 
I get worried that things are going to get worse. 

I keep thinking that it was for the safety of others. 
Even though I don't know that anyone is in danger. 
It's just that the things I was told are RED FLAGS.
That's how it feels to me
and I don't even want to be in this position. I really don't. 

It's hard because I want to stop thinking about it, 
but I can't seem to get it off my mind. 
For lots of reasons. 

Maybe I should have dropped it. 
After my first attempt to get my son some help. 
That he needs but doesn't want. 

I'm frustrated and the advice I get, 
that I have taken, seems to make it worse. 

I don't know what caused my son to change so much. 
Being anti-social like his dad hasn't been helping. 
I'm not really the most social person, either. 

It's not that I want to focus on the negative. 
There's a lot of positive, that I miss. 
So this isn't and hasn't been easy. 
So many mixed feelings. 
Just the alarm bells keep ringing. 
And I feel stuck on RED ALERT. 

But I don't want to push my son
further down that path. 

He hasn't done anything or acted on his thoughts. 
The fact that he's thinking it and talking about it bothers me. 
And I have to do something about what I know. 
He thinks nobody cares about him
and this is part of the reason he doesn't care. 
He has told me that he chooses not to care. 

I don't know what to do! I f*cked myself over.
Over and over and over again
and I couldn't see that I was doing that.
And apparently I keep doing that.

Like going against what they want...
Even though I'm being told that I'm doing 'the right thing,'
What am I supposed to do?
Not say anything and try to live a normal life?
Or say something and risk everything?
Well I said something. I did something. 
I have to be okay with that.
Even though they don't see it as me trying to do the right thing. 
Even though they see it as harrassment. 
And trying to get them in trouble or something.... 

Maybe there was another way....
What other way? What should I have done?
And it's hard because I literally sacrificed what I wanted. 
Which is to have a relationship with my son.
Which I can't have because "doing the right thing"
pushed him too far away. 
He feels like he can't trust me anymore. 
He used to feel like he could, like he could tell me things. 
He trusted me and I broke his trust.
Because I got scared. 
And yeah, he felt a type of way about what I did.
About everything. Throughout his life.
And he didn't want me to take this approach.
I already knew that, but I don't know
how else I could have approached this.

I can see why he feels the way he feels. 
He can't see why I feel the way I feel.
Why I did what I did. 
Because he sees it as me trying to get back at him. 
It wasn't that way. 
He might try to get back at me....
Like I was trying to make trouble....
It wasn't that way.
He might try to make trouble for me....

This has been like my own personal hell.
All of this. Paying for everything. 

"It's possible to make no mistakes 
and still lose. That's not weakness, that's life."

But I did make mistakes. I lost.
I just wanted to be happy. 
I missed so much when I was focused on the wrong things.
And it took me too long to see that. 

And now my son won't see me as someone he can trust. 
Someone he can open up to.... 
It was hard to tell me some things he told me. 
And it was hard for me to hear some things he told me. 
People think he was just telling me these things
to get a reaction or to get a rise out of me. 
It wasn't like that. 
We were having a conversation, things came up. 
It wasn't just out of the blue. 

And what should I have done?
Pretend like I never heard those things?
Pretend like he never said those things?
But it's like that because he's not admitting
that he did say those things. 
That he did tell me those things. 

Was I supposed to keep that between us?

I feel like bawling my brains out. 
What good would that do?
It'd just be an emotional release. 
That's about it. It won't change anything. 
And I still blame myself. 
For wanting to go out, meet people, have a life
when it wasn't about that. 
It wasn't about how I felt or what I wanted. 

And now my son feels like he never mattered. 
When he did matter, he does. 
I thought I had the time, had more time. 
It wasn't the right time. 
I'M SO F*CKING MAD AT MYSELF!!!!
I CAN'T CHANGE IT! I CAN'T CHANGE ANY OF IT!

I CAN'T ALWAYS APPROACH THINGS
THE WAY PEOPLE THINK I SHOULD.
BUT HOW DO I APPROACH IT?

IF I APPROACH THINGS THE WAY I'M BEING TOLD TO....
DOES IT NOT LOOK LIKE I WANT THINGS MY WAY?

I'M SO TIRED AND SO SAD.
I FEEL LIKE I'M GIVING UP.
DO I HAVE A CHOICE?
BEING BLOCKED? BEING SHUT OUT?

I CAN'T CONTROL THE SITUATION. NEVER COULD.
LIKE I'M TRYING TO MANIPULATE IT.
WHEN I'M ONLY TRYING TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT.
BUT I CAN'T GET ANYONE TO SEE THAT.
THEY CHOOSE TO SEE IT ANOTHER WAY.

NOW WHAT DO I DO?
I MISS MY SON. I LOVE MY SON.
I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN ANOTHER APPROACH.