People Don't Often Know

There's a lot of confusion I caused. 
My son's intelligent. 
But the way he rationalizes things is irrational. 
Like: "If my mom can stop loving my dad, 
maybe she never loved him, 
and maybe she never loved me, 
so I don't have to love her anymore."
Stuff like that. He never outright said it, 
but over the years I picked up on it. 

It was a lot of "If you loved me, you would....
If you loved me, you wouldn't..." Stuff. 

It scares me that some people would rather be the ones
who'd hurt people instead of getting hurt. 
Because caring and loving brought them pain. 
So they chose not to care or to love anymore....
And they'd rather just hurt people....
That's what scares me. 

Yes, I hurt his father. 
I felt he hadn't any feelings for me anymore. 
And for whatever reason, I wanted to find someone
who was closer to my own age
who wasn't embarrassed to be seen with me.... 
Who would love me, for me. 

Who I did find, but I was still running from 
my insecurities etc, drinking too much.... 
For me to be as good to him as he was to me. 
Which wasn't fair to him. At all. 
I ended up leaving him
because I wanted my son's father to be in his life. 
But he's taught my son some things.... 
That haven't been good for my son. 

Like being emotionally closed off. 
Feelings don't flow when you shut them off. 
And he needs guidance. 
The thing with thinking that you're above most people
is that it gets you thinking that you don't need
anything from most people. 
Unless you are just trying to get what you want from them. 
And with guidance.... You realize that it doesn't work that way. 
That just because you're intelligent, 
doesn't make anyone less human than you are. 

And having feelings, and expressing them, 
doesn't make us weak. It shows that we know
that we are human, just like everyone else. 
But one will argue:
"We can know it without showing it."

It's all that "If this means this, then this means that...."
When that isn't always the case. 
But I can see how people jump to conclusions. 

Really struggling with my feelings. 
So much so that I get these feelings when I'm trying to sleep. 
These feelings wake me up from my sleep. 
When you're sleeping, you should be asleep.
Shouldn't get these feelings in your sleep. 
Never used to. 

Like some entity is ciphoning from me
when I'm sleeping because I can't stop it from doing it
when I'm trying to sleep.... 

But I get these feelings because of what I did. 
I feel a lot of guilt and shame. 

Rushing through lessons... Doesn't teach the full lesson. 
And I wasn't learning my lessons. I'm learning them, now. 
The hardest way possible. 
Like getting f*cked sideways with a surfboard. 
With no lube... 

I have to do something. I feel like I didn't do enough. 
Like I didn't do the right things. 
And that I have to do something about it, now. 
Before it's too late. 
And I don't want to think that it already is. 
I really f*cking don't. I really don't. 

I reached out to my brother to ask him for help. 
He said he knew a guy who'd talk to my son. 
Who's been through some of the things my son went through. 
I was asking my brother to put me in touch with the guy
but my brother is still holding a grudge against me
for telling him that my kid feels like nobody cares about him
because nobody in my family
has had anything to do with him for YEARS.
So yeah, I get that my kid feels a certain way about that. 

So my brother just brushed it off. Refused to help me. 
When I'm asking for help for my son. 
When my son never did anything to them. 
But he just sees his family not caring about him. 
Not having anything to do with him. 
And looking at them a type of way
because he can't look up to any of them. 

My brother just turned it on me that THEY don't give a sh*t.
"I know how crazy and f*cked up YOU are."
And they make it about me, not about them
refusing to help my son. 
They weren't there for him. For years. 
And it's supposedly about me being crazy & f*cked up...
My son needed all of us. 
Not just his dad who he can't talk to. 
He was talking to me, but told me some things
that I'm really struggling with. 
And I had to do something about it. 
Which would be about getting him help. 
Which he doesn't want. But it's not okay. 
It's up to him to want it, 
but he does needs it. Psychotherapy. 

The doctors aren't helping. 
They likely sent him home
and that could have been my only shot. 
And when he turns 18 in a month, 
he'll probably stop seeing the doctors all together. 
Then what can I do?

And if I try to intervene again?
After the last time didn't work.... 

But I still have a month before be turns 18. 

Part of me says to let him be. 
That I already caused enough damage, 
but if I can get him what he needs
then I feel like I have to keep trying. 

He wants nothing to do with me. 
And I know why. I made a lot of mistakes. 

I don't feel comfortable in my own skin right now. 
I feel like I want to die. It's bad. 
I feel like I can't live with myself. It's bad.

I can't even begin to tell you how hard this is. 
I keep reaching out for help, 
and it's like few people take me seriously, 
or listen to me. 

And it still feels like it's up to me to do something about this. 
One of my friends told me that there's not much
that I can do about it.
That I did something about it. 

I asked for advice. I've asked for help. 
I asked family. They've basically told me to go f*ck myself. 
Some people don't want to get involved. I understand. 
But I still need help. 

My friend said: "He hasn't done anything."
And I said that if anything happens, 
that people weren't listening to me, 
and the people I asked for help, wouldn't help. 

And my friend said:
"You told his father and his father didn't do anything.
And you did something."

Should I have done something sooner? Yeah. 
And then I was trying to convince myself
that everything would be okay. 
I was trying not to think about it so much. 
But I should have done something. 
I told his dad and told his dad to flush those pills
that he was taking.

Nobody wants to think their kid
would do anything. 
Nobody wants to think it. 

Should I have said something sooner? Yes. 
Did I say something? Yes. 

And my friend says: "We have to wait and see.
You already spoke up about it."
And that doesn't feel like enough. 

I feel like someone might be able to stop him
from making really big f*cking mistakes. 
From doing something. 
And it's up to me to find that person or be that person. 
And feeling like time is running out to do that. For him. 
For his future, for mine. 
To try to prevent something from happening. 
Which I don't know will happen or won't. 

This is a tough spot for a parent to be in. 
And I don't wish it on anyone. Ever. 
I wish I was never in this situation. 

I wish I was setting up the Christmas tree with my kid
and talking to him about his interests in math and science. 
Or a million other things. 
Being a regular mom and having regular mom moments.

And I don't want what I did to push him down that path, 
and I really hopes he turns himself around. 
And I really hope that things turn out well. 
That someone will mentor him 
and teach him well. 
So much better than his father did.
So much better than I could.

I want to think that it's not too late. 
That he'll change his mind about what he was saying. 
That this was just a bad f*cking dream. 
That those thoughts never crossed his mind. Ever. 
That everyone's safe and all's well that ends well. Etc. 

There've been cries for help that I missed. Looking back. 
Should I have done something? Yes!
What I did was a little too little.... 
And it's almost too late to do anything now. 
I have litterally a month before he turns 18.
And then if he doesn't want to get help, he won't. 

And then I won't be able to do anything legally. 

And I get: "I'm the wrong person to ask for advice, 
but I wish you well."

"A***, I'm f*cking done with you, bye."
"A***, you've done all that you can do."
"We have to wait and see."
"Leave him alone, let him come to you."

But feeling like I need to do something more. 
Before I run out of time to do something
is filling me with ANXIETY.
Because I don't know what to do
and I keep trying to reach out for help. For advice. 
But it's like "This isn't my problem.
This is YOUR problem."

"Do something if it's an actual issue."
"Didn't you think bad thoughts and not act on them?"
"Can we persecute everyone who ever had a bad thought?"
No, we can't. I can't follow him around
and make sure that he behaves. 
You'd want to trust your kid. Right?

So that is why I didn't say anything when he first said something. 
Even though I should have. 
"It wouldn't have made a difference."
"If you had done something sooner
or when you did something when you did, 
you still did something." Was it enough? 
Tell that to someone who might be effected?
Why didn't anyone do something?
Why did everyone let him slip through the cracks?
Because he was a good boy
who would never do anything?
And that is what every parent wants to think. 
About their kid. 

And I hate thinking about this at all. 
With time slipping by. A very small window. 
So making my son face some judgement
and being 'examined' by 'professionals'
was the only thing I could do?

Like "F*ck you A*** for thinking you have to do more than that. 
F*ck you for asking me what I would do. 
F*ck you for telling someone that you need help. 
That your son needs help....
Tell someone who cares and knows what to do. 
Who will listen to you and take you seriously. 
And even then.... 
WHAT do you want THEM to do?
WHAT can THEY do?
If your hands are tied.... What can they do?
Find someone who will talk some sense into him?
Wasn't that YOUR job, A***?
Wasn't that his Dad's job? When you told him?
The cops? The hospital?
And would he want to talk to them
or listen to them?

Please help me to help him. 

A***, calm down. You're just f*cking crazy. 
A***, we don't know what's going to happen. 
Nothing could happen. 
He might change his mind. About everything he said
and everything he told you. 

And then this would just be something
that you were concerned about....
You said something. You did something. 
Was it enough?
Why am I not doing more?
Why am I still able to just sit here and type. 
Day after day and be all like:
"I'm just going to try to live my life as normally as possible. 
Despite what I know. 
Despite I'm the only one taking it seriously. 
Despite the fact that I still feel the need to do something. 
"You did something. That was all you could do."

If he was just saying it for attention, he got it. 
If there's more to it, there's more to it. 
But I don't want to just assume either way. 
It's a rough spot to be in. 

And I really don't want to be in this spot. 
No parent wants to be in this spot. 

What are you going to do about it, A***?
Just let the chips fall where they may?
Find him an awesome mentor?
That he should have had a long time ago?
Someone who can help him change his entire life?
A***, that was YOUR JOB.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
TRY TO TALK TO HIM?
TRY TO GET HIM TO OPEN UP TO YOU?
TRY TO GET HIM TO LEAVE HIS APARTMENT
AND GO FOR WALKS WITH YOU? TO TALK?
WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE OPPORTUNITIES YOU HAD?
WHAT ABOUT ALL THE OPPORTUNITIES OTHERS HAD
THAT THEY DIDN'T TAKE?

"I'M THE WRONG ONE TO ASK FOR ADVICE.
BUT I WISH YOU WELL...."

AND WHATEVER ELSE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TELLING ME.
AND TELLING MY FAMILY THAT IT'S LIKE NOW OR NEVER.
TO HELP ME. TO HELP HIM. 
AND THEY'D RATHER NOT GET INVOLVED.... 

AND MY SON SAID HE DOESN'T WANT ANY CONTACT WITH ME.
AND I CAN'T GET THROUGH TO HIM.

AND I'VE BEEN AGONIZING OVER THIS. 

LIKE IF HE COULD SEE THAT PEOPLE DO CARE
AND THEY GIVE HIM REASONS WHY HE SHOULD CARE, TOO.....
WHERE I'VE FAILED TO PROVE THAT I CARE ABOUT HIM
AND FAILED TO PROVE ANYONE CARES ABOUT HIM. 
ESPECIALLY HIS OWN FAMILY.... 

LIKE IF HE HAD AN INTERVENTION OR SOMETHING.... 
WOULD THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE?
OR WOULD IT TAKE JUST ONE PERSON
WHO CARES ENOUGH FOR HIM TO OPEN HIS HEART?
I'VE BEEN REACHING OUT TO PEOPLE. 
A FEW PEOPLE. 
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO. 

THOSE 2 YEARS WHEN HE WAS GHOSTING ME...
THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT MIGHT HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE. 

"You're going to just blog, A***?"
And waste time writing about how you feel so sh*tty about everything?
Going over every little mistake you ever made. 
Over everything that may have looked a certain way?
Over everything that may have been misconstrude?
Over every possible misunderstanding?
Just live life without thinking about this... 
Without feeling any type of way about it.... 
Like it never bothered me at all.... 
Like life's just completely normal.... 
And look at my cousins' lifes and their kids.... 
And look at what awesome parents they are. 
And if I just had the life they have.... 

And what would they do if they were in this spot?
They'd look at me and tell me
that I shouldn't even be in this spot. 
That I didn't care enough about my kid.
That I let him slip through. 
That I damaged him. That I caused him to suffer. 
That all of this was my fault. 
And this is what people do, they blame the mother. 
Especially when she isn't often in the picture.... 
How can I be in the picture
when his father wasn't taking my calls?
When nobody was listening to me?

And he was mad at me for all the times
that I was doing something. 
I'm mad at myself for that, too. 
For asking him to leave when he had nowhere to go. 
For the relationship problems we had.
Which were largely my fault. 
Being unable to talk to him
really wasn't helping. 
When I brought anything up, 
we weren't talking about it. Hardly. 

"He only says that stuff to make you mad."
No, he's being honest about how he thinks and feels.
And honest about what he was doing. 
And thinking about. With me. 
Because he trusted me. 
Because I'm one of the FEW who care about him. 
I love my son, whether anyone believes me or not. 
I told him that he could tell me anything, and he did. 
But what he told me was... Scary. 

I panicked and made a judgement call. 
Because I didn't know what to do. 
I told his father. Who supposedly
has been taking him to see doctors
who aren't doing anything for him. 
Medication... I don't even know if that would help. 
Or if he'd even take it.
Like I said, if he doesn't want to go when he turns 18, 
then he won't go. 

So I told a few people. I reached out to a few people. 
I got some advice. But nothing I can take action on. 

Even been told to just "relax." Calm down. 
Would you be able to? Should I just 'relax'?
Would you just 'wait and see"?
Just give up?
"Sorry, I just gave up because I was told to."
"Sorry, I cared so much, but I couldn't get help."
"Sorry, I really wanted to do something."
Or would you keep reaching out?
Would you keep asking for advice?
Would you keep trying to figure out what to do?
Or would you just let your kid
decide what kind of a person they want to be?
And just back off? "I'm almost an adult, Mom."

And as a parent, and I'm reaching out
to other parents.... To see if I can do anything.... 
Like please help me help my kid.... 
(Who refuses to get help).

"Welp, he doesn't want help... So...."

WTF would you do?
IDK A***, I wouldn't be in this spot. 
Because I'd have done better from the start. 
I wouldn't have waited so long... 
I wouldn't have just assumed things were okay. 
And that is why I don't want to just assume now. 
Understand?

Let him come to you.... I tried that.
He'd block me out for months at a time. 
I kept trying to get in touch with him and his dad
and that should have tipped me off. 
Other things should have tipped me off.... 
How many cries for help did I miss?
Look at all the time I missed with him. 
Either because he didn't want to see me. 
Or his dad wanted nothing to do with me. 
Or nobody was listening to me or to him. 
Or the advice I got was only intended to try to calm me down. 
To make me feel like I did all I could do. 
When I could have done more. 
When I didn't know how bad things were getting.
When there's more I probably don't know. 
When there's maybe something more I can do
that I don't know. 
And it's so easy not to do anything
when you don't know what to do.... 

When everyone in my family could have done something. 
Paid him some attention. 
Helped him feel included. 
Prevented him from feeling like an outcast.... 
Helped him feel like he mattered, too. 
Because he does. We all do. 
We all could make a difference. 
When we feel like we don't matter
it's hard to feel like we'll make a difference. 
And hard to feel like we have a future. 

I know how it feels. It feels like sh*t. 
Because MY job was to make a difference. 
To be that ONE person for him. 
Is it too late? Now that he feels he can't trust me?
Now that he feels like he has nobody?
Like I don't give a sh*t and never did?
When I was supposed to be there the whole time
and didn't get to be because I wasn't there enough
when he was younger? When he needed me the most?

When I couldn't see the cries for help?
When I couldn't see that his father wasn't doing
what he was supposed to be doing?
When I just let him push me out of my son's life?
When I thought that he would be okay
and one day we would be closer?
As long as I let him come to me?
As long as I waited months without hearing from him
or from his dad? 
When I didn't know how he was doing?
When I wasn't being told anything?

And it will still be my fault in the end
for not trying harder and harder and harder..... 
For giving it my all.
For being concerned over bullsh*t....
For wasting my time on things that didn't matter
because I thought things were okay with him. 
Otherwise, I'd hear otherwise, right?
But I just assumed. 
Didn't I ask when I got the chance?
Didn't he finally tell me some things?
Would he have told me more?
If I hadn't f*cked our relationship up
a billion f*cking times.... 

Just because he lives with his father
doesn't mean he's completely his father's responsibility. 
And very soon he will be his own responsibility. 
And I'm supposed to wait until that happens
without doing anything? 
Without doing something?

What's writing about it going to solve, A***?
Just so that you can try to feel a tiny bit better
about how things are going?
To make you feel like you are doing something
when you're literally accomplishing f*ck all?

"A good Mom would have kept the lines of communication open."
"A good Mom would have done something sooner."
"A good Mom wouldn't leave things up to his Dad
who apparently doesn't give a f*ck."
Or to anyone who really won't help, at all. 
I needed his cooperation on everything. Did I get it?
Will I get my son's? Probably not. 
He might never speak to me again. 
Because he hasn't done anthing
other than tell me what was on his mind.... 
Something that was still hard for him to do. 
"Do I trust my Mom?" Does he now? Will he?

Talking about stuff and thinking about stuff
is different from doing stuff. 

Kind of like how people who talk about suicide
almost never kill themselves. They just do it. 
Nobody knew they were thinking about it. 
Nobody knew they were going to do it. 
They just do it. 

But are we supposed to try to help them?
Even when they don't want us to?
Or do we just wait for them to get help?

And then people are like:
"I didn't know..."
Or "I knew, but I didn't do anything. 
I left it up to his parents to do something about it.
If they weren't such sh*tty parents
their kid wouldn't even think about that sh*t...."
And maybe my kid needed someone who wasn't sh*tty to him. 
Who helped him feel like he mattered. 
And despite my best efforts, 
I couldn't get him to see how much he matters to me. 

Was that the best you could do, A***?
By assuming everything was okay
and that he had what he needed
and if he wanted to, he'd call you or come over?
Like he did a few times... 

And all the pain he feels and anger
from feeling excluded from the family
who should be embracing him... 
Asking him to come over.... 
Telling him they miss him, and love him, too.... 
Bonding with him. 
Instead of barely acknowledging his existence.... 
That's f*cking painful. I get it. 
I'm an outcast from my family, too. 
But despite all the pain I've felt and all the anger
at how unfair it is....
To do that to any child. Especially MY child.... 
By MY family. HIS family.... 
By his father, too. 
Just the two of them, for years?
And somehow I thought that things were okay?
And did CAS follow up on THEIR choice to put him with his father?
Because they thought things were okay?
And I just accepted their choice after a while
because I felt that there was nothing I could do
to get my son back?

And how p*ssed I am every f*cking day
that I took to the bottle because I felt like sh*t about everything?
But my friends are like: "You did what you could do."
You can't choose for CAS. CAS chose. 
But had you been a perfect parent, 
CAS would never have been called.... 
Had you not gotten angry at the teachers
for not keeping him safe at school
and for whatever they did to him
that none of them will ever admit to. 
That I need proof that they did to do something. 
And trying like years after the fact?
Because my son didn't say anything unil years after the fact?
And he needed counselling and therapy
which supposedly he was going to.... 
Which wasn't helping. 

So what can you do to help him, now, A***?
When confronting the school got him removed from your care?
Because you didn't get him a advocate
and CAS was supposed to be his advocate. 
But they were looking at me, not his school. 
And not at his father who could have confronted the school. 
I asked him for help, he refused to help me. 
When his son needed his help. 
So what can you do to help him, now, A***?
Anything? Is it too late to help him?
Because you didn't do enough when you had the time?
Because you had other things on your mind?
Which all seems like bullsh*t now?
Because you were trying to live a 'normal' life?
When everyone around them cared about themselves
and just turned a blind eye to him?
And excluded him?
And didn't get him the help he needed?
Wasn't the counselling supposed to help him?

Wouldn't it had made a difference if he could talk to his dad?
If he had talked to me more?
If I could have convinced his dad to listen to me
And take me seriously?
Had I got him to get involved in something?
Had I got him pursuing his interests?

But CAS thought they would just leave him with Dad. 
Who refused to help him with the issues
he was facing with school
and not talking to him about how he feels. 
Not giving him advice he could take
and helping him take that advice.... 

It was like he has a dad but he doesn't. 
Who he lives with. 
And that wasn't MY choice. 
But I didn't feel I could fight CAS and win. 
And I didn't get a lawyer. 
I didn't have an advocate for myself
and for my son. 
We both got f*cked by the system. 
And yes, I f*cked myself. 
And I didn't know that things were as bad as they got. 
People don't often know. 
Even if there were signs along the way. 
That they missed. 

"All you can do is live your life, A***."
And what kind of a life does my son get to have?
And yeah he's p*ssed at me. 
Because he never wanted to be born. 

But nobody stopped and asked that. 
Because it was up to me and to his dad. 
Primarily his dad
since his dad wanted to keep custody of him. 
Because he could have sent him back to live with me. 

But CAS could have put him in foster care. 
Or something else. 
Which isn't always better, either.
But not always worse. 
I could have done something to get him an advocate. 
And he seemed to be okay with his father. 
And I had been trusting his father. 
And frustrated because I've had my concerns. 
That I never get to address with him. 
And frustrated the times they ceased communicating with me.
Because "Mom's just being a crazy b*tch."

So how much of this is out of my hands?
When his Dad's not being there for him?
When he has no role model?
When he won't listen to his 'crazy' mother?
When his 'crazy' mother's family's been MIA for years....
When his father hardly has any family to speak of?
Has he talked to his Aunt? Opened up to her?
Asked anyone other than me for help
without saying "Mom, please help me"?

I want to die is like "Mom, please help me."
Yeah, he wants attention because he wasn't getting any. 
And when I gave him some, he didn't want it. 
But could I have given him more? Yeah. 
Everyone in my family could have. 
His father could have. They are living together.... 

Not just "Let's wait and see how he turns out. He'll be fine. 
We are all fine. He will be, too. 
Yeah, so find that they gave up. A long time ago. 
When his father stopped taking calls from me for months. 
And I had to let him go a few times, 
until I heard from him. Because he called me. 
He didn't call any of them, he called me. 
And I told him that he could call me any time. 
That I would listen to him. 
That I may not know how to help him, 
but I would be there for him
and I would help with what I could help with. 

But I had to do something about what he told me. 
And I should have done more than just tell his Dad. 
Who was probably hard on him for it. 
Which wasn't helpful to him.

"You let him stay with his father. 
You asked his father to take him for the night."
And what did his father do? Took him. 
CAS let him, I let him. Because I had no choice. 
Because it was already decided for me. 
Was it my son's choice?

And when I told him he could move back
when he turned 16, he didn't want to. 
Because that was his home. 
That's what he knew. 
Even though he hasn't been happy there. And isn't. 
Because he can't talk to his dad. 
His dad isn't giving him the attention. 
Isn't teaching him things he needs to know. 
And I'm supposed to just be okay with everything. 
And be okay with "You did all that you can do."
"A***, you're taking more blame than necessary."
"It has been up to his father. 
To include you, to meet with you. 
To take your calls. To invite you over.
To give you updates. 
To go TO HIS SCHOOL
AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE ABUSE.
AND GET HIM INVOLVED WITH LIFE
SO THAT HE COULD HAVE A LIFE.
AND NOT JUST STAY IN HIS ROOM.
ISOLATING HIMSELF....
FIGHTING HIMSELF. 
HIS THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS
ABOUT EVERYTHING AFFECTING HIM. 
AND NOT BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT....
AND NOT GET HELP FOR IT.....

WHEN A KID IS TRYING TO GET ATTENTION, 
HE NEEDS IT. FOR SOMEONE TO PAY ATTENTION.

"You have to wait for him to call you.
You have to wait until he wants you in his life."
I kept trying and I feel like I should still try.
I'm not happy with "You did all that you could do."