Not How They Looked

It feels like I'm being forced to start over. 
It's not a good feeling. 
Having to leave people and situations behind... 
And being left behind... 

The few friends I have, who are still there for me.... 
They've helped me a lot. 
I don't know how I could get through this without them....

They are urging me to get more help, which I will. 
Because a lot of this stuff is really heavy. 

I had hoped some things had worked out differently, 
but this is how things are going down. 

I see how some things have looked. 
That's not how they looked to me. 

I don't know how other people cope with these things. 
Or how they deal with these things. 
These very hard things. 

My friends have been helping me with this. It's really hard. 
It's hard to just set it aside. 
To the point that I don't even know how to have fun anymore. 
Because this is always on my mind. 
And it just takes over. Most of the time. 

I'm not the same person I was a few years ago.... 
In some ways I am, in a lot of ways, I'm not. 

A friend was telling me that I need more ambition. 
That I just need a better routine and a purpose. 
That I need to push through my depression, etc. 

It's not that easy to be all like:
"Yeah... Despite this... I'm going to just.... 
Push through...."
It'd be great if that was the case. 
But I'm still left to deal with some serious sh*t.
And it doesn't feel good to face it
or to have it to face... 

Been trying to just keep these feelings at bay... 
But....It's still looming over my head every day. 

"Get so busy that you don't have the time to think about it."
"You did all that you can do in the situation."

The situation has me torn. It really does.
Like I can't just sweep it under the rug
and just forget about it. Or not deal with it.
Or just pretend like my life is different. 
Or just pretend that this is normal.... It's not.

It doesn't feel good and isn't normal. 

And I'm happy for people who aren't going though this. 
Who have their lives figured out. Who are happy. 
Who are close to their family... 

I'd get mad at people who'd say:
Just do this, this, this, and this. You'll feel better....
None of those things are going to change anything. 
And there are some things that we can't change. 
Because people have to want to change themselves, etc. 
And no matter how much we want to help them, 
they have to let us, and want the help etc. 
And they have to apply what we are telling them.
They have to choose to. 

I had a friend who I was trying to help. 
He's a hoarder and he just doesn't want to clean up. 
His place gives me anxiety on top of my anxiety. 
I spent like 4 hours just cleaning a couple rooms. 
I had it looking decent. 
After a while, it went back to looking like it did before. 
I'd keep trying, but he kept destroying it. 
Like I hadn't done anything to clean it up. 

He didn't care that I'd spent that time, 
to do that for him, to help him. 
Not enough not to mess it up all over again. 

But it's kind of like that with me, mentally. 
Like how my friends do their best to help me.
But these thoughts and this thinking
keep coming back... 
And it's not that I don't care about 
how they've been trying to help me....

But I guess I can see how it is frustrating for them. 
They aren't seeing how I'm getting anywhere. 

There was an analogy in a book I was reading. 
I forget what book it was... 
But it was basically this concept. 

How people can come over
and help you get rid of all your broken, busted stuff.... 
And help you put it outside, on the curb.... 
But when they leave, you start bringing it back inside.... 
Sentimentality or something. 

I have kept a lot of stuff over the years. 
Stuff that I don't need. Including limiting beliefs. 
Bad habits, etc... 

But I get how hard it is to change. 
Because changes require a lot more
than just doing something different. 
It's a psychological pattern, too. 

So it's not just the habit. 
There's stuff that goes on underneath that habit. 

Like my writing habit... I need to write. It helps me.  
It's one of the only things left. 

But I get that other habits I have had
and still have.... Aren't helping me. 
Like thinking about things on repeat.... 
But the only reasons I think about these things
are that they are weighing heavy on me. 
And a lot of things have been really f*cking painful.

And I get a lot of things have been painful for my son, too. 
And I get a lot of those things had to do with me. 
And I never wanted it to be that way, 
and had not thought of it that way. 
Maybe was hoping for forgiveness. 
Or understanding. Idk. 
Couldn't see the damage I was causing. 
Or the damage I had caused....
Because I wasn't thinking!
And that isn't an excuse to cause damage. At all. 

I've caused damage to myself, too. 
Because I wasn't thinking straight. 
Still am having a hard time thinking straight. 
Maybe the drugs, maybe the drinking, 
but maybe I was taught how other people think.... 
Which may be why I ask people
what THEY think about some things... 

And the toxic people I was around... 
I picked up their thinking.... 
Something like "We think equivelent to our environment."
And being around my family, 
I started thinking like them... 
Started sharing some of their beliefs, 
but now I see how they think isn't how I think. 

I had heard that beliefs are only thoughts 
that we keep thinking. 
And that we feel a type of way about. 

I have had beliefs that support the hopelessness. 
Am I hopeless in this situation? Or is there still hope?

I want to have faith in overcoming some things. 
And for some turn around. 
The problems I created.... Some can be fixed. 
Some can't. As much as I want to fix them. 
As much as I kept trying to. 

I think the last chance I had, was the last chance. 
Things can change, but Idk about some things. 

I have to create a stable foundation for myself. 
So that I can feel secure on that foundation. 
So that I don't feel the need for some things
that I didn't get to have or wanted. 

I get the pain from disillusionment, though. 
But sometimes disillusionment can create illusions. 
So can our beliefs and ideas... Even ideals.... 

"I connected myself to the outcome
coming from the reactions of others."

I didn't always react well. 
Sometimes I overreacted. 
Others often didn't react well to me, either. 

But we often connect ourselves to the outcome. 
Like I have been doing. 
The outcome of my own reactions
and their reactions to my reactions. 

Their reactions to me reaching out. 
And why I am reaching out. 
And to their thoughts about me
that they don't always tell me
so when I ask for them, I tend to get more
than I bargained for. 
Because if they wanted to tell me what they thought of me, 
they would just tell me what they thought of me. 
But usually they keep those thoughts to themselves
and they react to those thoughts and react to me
because they already thought those thoughts about me. 

And it goes both ways. 

I have had thoughts about people that I reacted to, too. 
That is part of where the anxiety comes from
and sometimes where a lot of my fears come from. 
Reactions and thoughts. 
And thoughts are often reactions, 
but we have to use logic to make better choices. 

It can be hard to gain control over our minds. 
Because when thinking is all you have, 
and you do too much of it.... 
Maybe that is what the guy meant
by too much thinking can lead to a psychosis. 

My friend said the other night, when we were together. 
"You don't have fun anymore. 
Like we can't have fun together
because this stuff is always on your mind."

"If it's not some guy treating you badly, 
it's something else...."

"The longer you stay stuck on things, 
the longer you stay stuck."

And yes, I've been sort of living too much in the past... 
And yes, I've been ruminating on some things. 
Things I wish that I can change. 

People need to be able to change their own minds. 
The love I received from people who loved me... 
That changed me. 

And there were times I loved people
who didn't believe that I loved them, 
and wanted proof that I couldn't give them. 

"If you loved me, you would...."
And I did that for a while, too. 
Love is something felt, though. 
It's not easily proven sometimes. 
But it can be easily disproven. 
"That's NOT love."
"That's not what love would do."
In those cases, it's abuse. 

In some cases, maybe I've been unintentionally abusive. 
It was never my intention to be abusive. 
And in those cases, I may have been emotionally abusive. 
And I have been emotionally abused, too. 
Throughout my life. Intentionally. 
But although I've been victimized, and traumatized, 
it wasn't my intention to do that to anyone. 

I don't know why my need to be 'right'
ever superceeded anyone's rights
or the need to do what was right. 

There were times I was ego tripping. 
But I cannot blame everything on my ego. 
I'm just more aware, now, that there are things
that get tripped off. Like ego. 
How easily it can get triggered
and we can get triggered, 
but none of us HAS to be that way. 
We got used to being that way. 
But we don't HAVE to be that way. 
Or the way we were taught to be....

The thing is to catch myself when I'm looking at something
in a certain way... That I used to look at it. 
Like relationships, reactions, other things
that I'm prone to reacting to. 
And maybe with some insight, 
I can learn to let some things go. Faster, and easier. 

Sometimes things turn out in ways we didn't expect them to. 
And didn't want them to. 

But.... I did have my role in things falling apart. 
People reacted to me reacting badly. 
People reacted to things I did without thinking. 
To my moods and bullsh*t. 
To grasping and clinging. 
Out of fear of abandonment. 
Out of fear of rejection.
Out of fear of pain. 

But that just made them reject me. 

And when people have zero confidence, 
it seems that they can have a fake sense of confidence
which is usually the ego. 

I thought:
"Well I didn't have a close relationship with my mother. 
Maybe I'll have a close relationship with my son."

I wanted to be close to my mother. It didn't happen. 
Maybe he wanted a close relationship with me, 
but I got scared and was too attached to him. 
And worried about him, a lot. 
Because I care about him. 
But there are things he went through
that I didn't know what to do about. 
And every time I spoke up for him, 
I'd get angry because of the way he was being treated, 
which I had a right to be, 
but they treated me like I was crazy. 

And that's one of those:
"If you loved me, you would have...." Things.

Just like those:
"If you loved me, you wouldn't have...." Things. 

But it was like he thought he was just crazy like me
and crazy like his dad, and everyone else.... 

He didn't have a good male role model. 
To teach him and show him. 

He started treating me the way his father did. 
There were times they treated me well, 
but there were times they treated me badly. 

Like ghosting me for 2 years
and I didn't know why.... 
Or if I was going to see my son again. 
And now I don't know if I'll see him again. 

But this is because of my reaction.
And my reactions have been just important as my actions. 
And I couldn't see that, either. 
And yeah, if that makes me stupid for not seeing it, 
then it makes me stupid for not seeing it.