Conflicted

Reinvention is our best form of hope. 
"This is a new beginning for you."
And I want to see it that way, 
but I still feel a certain way about my past
and about people who cut me off and pushed me away. 
Conflicted.... 

I can see where I was and where I used to be. 
I know how I was like at the height of my depression.
And I know that others know how I was like. 
And it bugs me that they still think I'm like that. 

Do people wish I was better? Different?
Yeah. Did I wish others were, too? Yeah.
Instead of accepting them the way they were?

It's easy to blame our problems on circumstances. 
But we cause our problems with the way we think, 
the way we look at things.... 
And the way we do things.... 

Because the way we think affects the way we look at things. 
And the way we look at things affects what we do.

It's easier to look at things differently after something's already been done. 
We can look back at it, but we can't change it. 

We can use retrospect to develop foresight. 
Learning from past mistakes and the mistakes of others. 
But no amount of retrospect can change anything
that has already happened. 

Did I do the right thing? Did I do the wrong thing?
Can't make someone to get help when they don't want it. 
It can cause resentments. 

A friend was telling me the other day
that the things that bother us mentally 
is what creates our anxiety.
That anxiety is a reaction to our own thoughts. 

But I can't fix anyone who doesn't want to be fixed. 
I can only fix myself if I want to. 

Even if the people who need help mean so much to me, 
I can't force them to accept help. 
Or even to ask for help for themselves. 
It's a hard lesson. 
And I feel like I have to surrender, but I don't want to. 

I want to make things right. But how?
I can't change someone's mind about me. Can I?

Is it up to me? Or is it up to them?
Or is it both?

Do I back off and wait?
To see if they change their mind about me?
To see if they ever see this differently?
And if they don't?
Then I'm waiting for nothing?

Maybe the reason why I wasn't looking at myself
or what I was doing (chose to do)
was because I couldn't face how I'd feel about it
when I finally realized things about myself
that weren't the things I wanted to see about myself. 
We don't look at things we don't want to see. 

I was talking to someone the other day
who told me that he knew I wasn't a fake person
and he told me that he knew because fake people
lie to people and lie about themselves. 
And lie to themselves. 

I have lied to myself, but been too honest about myself. 
I used to try to justify the sh*tty, stupid things I did. 
Just to feel okay about doing those things. 
Even though they were sh*tty and stupid. 
So I get why people do that. To make it easier to do it. 
So that they don't feel bad about themselves for doing it. 

Anyway, I feel like I totally ruined a friendship
and I'm really feeling that, too. 

I have to choose to feel different about myself and about my life. 
It's been debilitating. This depression. The anxiety. 
It's really hard to bear. 
Feeling like my life is catching up with me.

The break up support group has been good. 
People are dealing with their own pain. 
Which isn't good, but I can relate. 
I can try to help there. 

Lately I feel that I shouldn't involve myself
in anyone's life.
I seem to not have the affect I wanted to have. 

Like everything that come from this mindset.... 
Does not work and I know this, but I keep trying to do things. 
Because I feel pretty f*cking useless....
And I ruin sh*t which makes me feel even more useless. 

It's frustrating! And yeah, I don't like it
or want it to keep happening to me. 

"Believe in yourself! Under-confidence 
leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy that you're not good enough."

Anyway, not sure what to do now. 
All my mistakes keep coming up to the surface, 
I keep making more.... 
And I feel sh*tty about everything. 
One of the only people I was talking to
doesn't want to talk to me anymore
and I shot myself in the foot with him. 

Because I was worried about what he thought of me. 
He had told me not to, but I was. 

Because of the things I had told him, 
but as far as I knew, he wasn't judging me. 
Until he didn't want to talk to me anymore. 

He had helped me feel better, a lot better. 
Helped me feel normal. 

I have to feel better on my own, a lot better. 
I have to help myself feel normal. 
It's that so many people have treated me like I'm crazy
that I started to feel like I was... 
And I still feel like I am. 
And all these mistakes are just.... Flooding me. Lately. 

I used to be okay being alone, at times. 
Because I could have the time and space to work on things. 
And then I wonder what the point is.... 
Like it's not to impress guys. 
I'm definitely not going to get into anything with anyone. 

I have to start from today. Not where I was.
I'm not where I used to be, anymore. 
I am where I am, but not where I used to be. 
I have to give myself hope. I can't look for it from anyone to give to me. 

It's not like I never did anything wrong in my life. 
But all these mistakes I made... 
Why am I looking at things that I can't change?

I'd like to say that I never did those things, but I did. 
So what can I do about that, now?
"Nothing, A***. Why do you keep thinking about it?"

Maybe I keep thinking about it because if anyone knew
some of the mistakes I made in the past, 
they would judge me. 
And look at me a certain way. 
And just not want to know me, anymore. 
And maybe I put that to the test,
by telling someone some things about myself
and what I've been going through, 
but it was starting to burden him, or so it felt that way. 
And that wasn't the intention. 
I guess I felt like opening up to him and saying:
"This is who I am. This is what my life is really like."
Like "You can run for the hills like everyone else."
Like if the stuff in my life is making you feel a certain way, 
you can have an idea of how I feel. 
Or something like that. I don't know. 

Maybe I was looking for: "It's okay. You're okay."
I don't know. But I started telling him things
and being very honest about myself. 
Telling him things that I hadn't been able to tell
other people.... 

I didn't want it to be like.... 
Further down the line "Why didn't you tell me?"
So I took that chance. 

But it wasn't like: "You can tell me anything,
it won't change how I look at you."

It wasn't like: "I'm going to be here for you no matter what."

There was nothing promised or anything like that. 
So like no expectations of anything like that. 

And I shouldn't have felt like it was okay
to just tell someone these things. 

Just because I thought it could be anything
or I didn't want them to think I wasn't opening up, 
but nobody said I had to. 

It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to him anymore. 
I don't want to burden him with my sh*t. 
I'm not in a good place and he knows that. 
And he can do much better, he knows that. 
I know that he knows that I know that. 
And I know that it wasn't like I had a real chance with him. 
And he knows that I know that. 

So it's not like I had to open up to him. 
And wanting someone to talk to was a selfish thing on my end. 

I may never have that kind of bond with anyone.
Where I am safe to open up.
Without judgment. 
That I can tell them anything. 

So there are no surprises when it comes to me. 
So there's no like "Why didn't you tell me?"

But then I'm thinking that they are thinking:
"She's a f*cking train wreck. F*ck this."
"She's too crazy for me."
For anyone, for myself even.... 

So like... I felt like running away. Even from him. 
Before it could get worse than it already is. 
Even though I really like the guy. 
He really helped me when nobody else would. 
He never had to spend the time on me. 
He knows that I know this. 

And I didn't want to get too attached. I was feeling that. 
For a while. Whenever it felt good to talk, 
it was like in the back of my mind
that even though I really like this guy, 
I'm f*cked. He knows this. I know this. 
And I wish that wasn't even an issue, but it kinda is. 

Besides being not at a good place in my life, 
there's probably lots of other reasons why
I'm just going to be alone.... I don't know. 
I don't like the thought of it, but I'd have to accept it
and definitely accept it for the time being. 
It wasn't right for me to try and date those times. 
But apparently I had to do that
and had to learn what I had to learn. 
Not that we didn't share some nice times together.... 
Not that I regret it. 
It just probably wasn't right for me to try to. 
To go there when I was never ready. 
To try to settledown when I wasn't ready
and how stupid I thought I was ready
and that I could handle everything.... 
"How well have you handled yourself, A***?"
"How well have you handled your life?"
"How well have you handled your most important tasks?"
"How have you handled your friendships? Relationships?"
"How well have you considered those around you?"
"Have you no awareness? How anything you say affects anyone?"
"Have you no awareness, A***?"

I have a lot of thinking to do. 
And yes, some people have given me some things to think about. 
And yes, I should just be thinking about those things. 
I'm not about that other stuff anyway, 
so why was that ever on my mind? At all?
Why did I go there? Never had to.... Don't have to. 

Was it because I wanted to prove something to myself?
Because I was looking to feel a certain way?
Because deep down I know that I don't have the confidence
to actually flirt with anyone.... 
And yes, I'm pretty sure he picked that up about me. 

But it wasn't even really like that. 
It wasn't like some social experiment gone wrong. 
It's that I don't know how to really talk with people
so I don't reach out very often to anyone. 
Few people really know me.... At all. 

The ones who read this probably know me better than most people
in my life.... Maybe they'll read it when I'm dead. 
And it'll be the portal into me they never had. 
The cousin they never knew... Whatever. 

I have to try to live my life. Better than I've been living it. 
What have I been doing with my time?
Trying to cope with endings in my life?
And what else? Looking at my past?
And what else? Blogging?
"A***, you can't just blog...." I know. 

Just trying to feel comfortable in my own skin.
When I'm just.... Really not. 
And even something like writing about stuff.... 
Is something I can do to feel somewhat normal. 
Even if the things I write about aren't normal. 
Even if it's just a bunch of yucky feelings
balled into a mess on the screen. 

About a lot of things I can't do anything about. 
No matter how much I wish that I could. 
And just maybe writing helps me
to escape that sinking feeling that I get
knowing that things transpire that I have no control over. 
No matter how much I wish that I did. 

And no matter how much I wish I had
taken control over the things that I could take control over
AND didn't.... Because I'm stupid to have not.
And the back of my mind, I know that I have been, very. 

And thinking about what I wanted
when it wasn't all about what I wanted. 
And I can't ever think that it was or is. 
Because it's f*cking not. At all. 
And I've been shown time and time again. 
I know this. I still messed up. 
Should I still mess up when I know it's not
about what I want?

Even when I want someone to know something about me. 
It's probably not what they need to know. 

Does everyone need to know all my issues straight up?
I mean, thanks for the honesty, eh? Do I get points for that?
Maybe a sense of too honest? Maybe like TMI?

I have seen this a few times in the Heartbreak Support group. 
People telling their stories. I feel bad for some of them. 
But a lot is hard to accept and there are some things.... 
Hard to fathom let alone accept... 

Had my issues with accepting things earlier this year. 
This whole year was to examine things. 
Things that I was having a hard time accepting. 
And I like picking people's brains. 
I like how a lot of people see things
because they see things a lot differently than I do. 
And how they see things 
may be a better way of seeing things
than how I see things. 

And that is what this year was for. 
To look at things differently. 
And what do I do? I make more mistakes
because apparently I didn't learn
my lessons that I was supposed to learn this year. 

And now, looking back.... I see what I did.
I don't like that I did what I did. 
I don't like that I can't change what I did. 
I don't like the reasons I had for doing it. 
I don't like sitting with these feelings
and not knowing how to cope with these feelings. 

And how to move out of this feeling. This pit. 
And start feeling better about starting my life over. 
And I keep thinking: "How do you start over, 
when your past is still your past?"
And how do you start over, 
when your present is still your present?"

"But, A***, being stuck in the past
takes you away from NOW. 
So that's a big part of why you aren't
and haven't been moving forward... "

It's like my life really shifted this year. 
I learned some hard lessons this year. 
Like karma hit me like a train. 
And it feels like I'm paying for everything. 

If this is what it feels like to wake up, then
this is why a lot of people probably don't want to
and lie to themselves about who they are. 
And they don't know who they are. 

And I've caused my misery
because I felt powerless. 
Tried to get my power in ways that weren't working. 
Because it's not about getting what I wanted. 
How was it about how I wanted anything?
How was it ever?
How did I ever think that it was?
How can I think differently now that I'm sure
that it isn't?

Why couldn't I see that? So much sooner?
Why did I have to be so selfish?
Why did I have to have these stupid blinders?
Where I could only see some things
and not see other things?

Seeing it when there isn't anything I can do about it.... 
That's like a special kind of hell just for me. 
Because I still can't accept how I f*cked up. 
Because I was caught up in how I felt. 
About a lot of things. 
And I couldn't see a lot of things that I wish
that I could have seen a long time ago... 
Like 20 years ago.... 

And maybe this is my ego dying or something. 
The times I had to be put in my place.... 
I had to be put in my place. 
And I'm getting better at it, sometimes. 
I have to take that. The straight talk. The truth. 
About myself. All the ugly. 
All.. Everything. 

It doesn't feel good to feel that humbleness. 
That comes with "Yes, you did that. Yes, you were that."
"Yes, you're still like this."
"Yes, it's on you."
And I'm like "Yes, I know."
"How does it feel?"
"It feels like I want to just disappear sometimes."
It doesn't feel good. 
To put yourself on trial. 
Because you can't even bear anyone knowing...

And when you trust one person, 
you hope they don't tell a bunch of people. 
Or anyone. But you don't know that they are not. 
You don't know if they say anything about you or they don't. 
You just hope that they don't. 
"So why do you tell anyone, anyway?"
Why can't you just go through stuff on your own?
Like everyone else?

Sometimes it feels better that someone else knows. 
Sometimes it doesn't. 
Sometimes it's only for you to know. 
Even when you don't want to know. 
Even when you don't know how to handle it. 
Even when you really need some help. 

And there were things others were going through
that I was supposed to help them with, 
but I couldn't see straight or think straight. 
I failed my missions. "How does that feel?"

Because I wanted to get drunk?
Because I wanted to date?
Because I wanted to be in a relationship?
Because I wanted the control I didn't have all my life?
When I wasn't doing all the things that I was supposed to?
When I couldn't see what I wasn't realizing?
And I wasn't realizing what I couldn't see?

"Well OPEN YOUR F*CKING EYES, A***!
IT'S NOT SO F*CKING HARD TO SEE THESE THINGS!"

YEAH, IT ISN'T NOW. 
I DON'T KNOW HOW I COULDN'T.
I DON'T KNOW HOW I DIDN'T.
I didn't because I couldn't. 
But I don't see how I couldn't. 

Well, F*CK A***! Can you see it now?
Yes, I can see it now. 
Too late, isn't it? Yeah... Or is it?

Well, we weren't born knowing everything. 
But still.... Why did it take you so long?
To realize how you've been living
wasn't serving you or anyone around you?

"It isn't all about you." It's not. 
It's not about how you wanted your life. 
Because you never made it how you wanted it
and you had to consider others in your life
who you didn't always consider
and they didn't always consider you, either. 

And I can't control what anyone does. 
And people used to try to control me with their anger. 
And I was at their mercy. 
And I kept getting angry over stupid things. 
Because I couldn't control how I felt. 
Because I wasn't taught that. 
And when I wanted to teach my son, 
he didn't want to listen to me. 
Now do I get to teach him anything?
Whenever I wanted to be there I was being pushed away. 
By my son or his father. 
I guess they did try, at times. 
They did that for me. 

But I didn't use my time wisely. 
Am I now? By blogging how I f*cked up?
To admit to everyone.... 
Then what?!
Look, I f*cked up, everyone. 
And I wasn't the only one. 
And I won't be the only one. 
So there is comfort in that. 
But why is it necessary to tell people I f*cked up?
Obviously they can tell by looking at my life. 
By looking at me. 

"There's lots of reasons I can't be with you, A***."
"Look how f*cked up you are."

Was the guy wrong to say:
"You're so f*cked up 
that you don't know how f*cked up you are."?
Maybe not, but maybe not bash my brains in with it. 
I'm not perfect. I still loathe a lot about myself. 
And there are people I hurt 
who want to hurt me. 
Even though I didn't mean to hurt them
and I shouldn't have
and had I known better and been grown, 
I would have done a lot differently. 
A lot differently. 

And being around toxic people made me toxic. 
Because of the way I was taught to look at things. 
The way others looked at things. 
But I don't have to look at things the way that I used to. 
I never had to look at things the way that I used to. 
I never had to and that's what really pisses me off
that I wasn't taught. 
That I had to wait for my life to get to this point
to f*cking learn that
and to learn things I should already know. 
Is it better to learn than to never know?

Been talking to someone who is helping me see some things. 
Seeing some patterns I have. 
It was like "Oooooofffff! You're right!"
"I've noticed this, that, this..."
Those are the friends who are good to have. 
Who point things out to you. 
Even when they risk putting you on the defensive.... 

Oooooofffff! Like a cow kick in the gut.... 
"A***, you're like this. It takes a toll. 
A***, you do that, it takes a toll."
Also things I couldn't see that I was doing. 
Like current stuff. 
That others weren't really telling me. 
Well a couple people did tell me, finally. 
People who care enough to tell me. 
Like A***, look at yourself!

And my friend said that sometimes we have to lose everything
to know what we had.... 
To appreciate what we had that we lost... 
Because we took too much for granted for too long. 

And that some people never learn. 

And that it's good ro get stuff out in the open
to realize some things that need to change. 

And the truth can f*cking hurt. 
And it may not feel good at first, but it can feel better afterwards.
When it comes to changing and growing. 

It's been very helpful to meet honest people
who have been doing their best to help me. 

"Only you can decide what is best for you
and you have to accept whatever comes your way."

"You can try to reach out and he might take that the wrong way, 
and you have to accept that, too."

"You did what you could with the knowledge that you had."
"Do what you can with what you learn now."

"You're better than you were years ago
(even though I regress)
and that has to be a good feeling."

It really took me a long time to learn these things
and a hard, rough, road to learning these things. 
That it was really hard to accept a lot of things, 
even though it was true and I can't change it. 

"You can become a lot more patient and understanding
because you are learning and becoming prepared."

"You have to look at that instead of the past. 
Where you are going now and how you are going to get there."

"Time to realize what you can do now."

"Right f*cking now, A***."

I wish people had told me things like 20 years ago
and I had started learning things back then. 
The things that I've been learning lately. 
I'd be a totally different person. 

I wasn't focused on the right things in the right ways. 

Yes, it's been depressing and yes I've been down on myself. 
The truth is f*cking ugly and it hurts sometimes. 
There's a lot of sh*t that is hard to take
and hard to handle, hard to deal with. 
Hard to even f*cking acknowledge. 
Hard to get honest about.... 
Hard to believe....
Addressing sh*t that needed to be addressed is f*cking hard. 
A lot of people don't want to
because of how f*cking hard it is
to even f*cking look at. 

People didn't come into my life until a lot later. 
Who were willing to listen to me.
Who were willing to talk to me. 
To help point out some things about me to me. 
To be honest with me
and to help me be honest with myself. 

And that's been how I've been able to get better than I was. 
And how I've been learning. 

Like I used to believe that the suffering was permanent. 
And that I'd just be suffering for the rest of my life. 
That nobody could or would help me, 
that I was just stuck being stuck.

Sometimes it still feels like that, 
but there are other times I actually feel hopeful. 

And I know people have seen me really struggling with some things
and have called me helpless, because they couldn't get through to me. 
Like they couldn't help me, but they actually were helping me. 
But they helped me realize a lot of other things, too. 
That I wasn't seeing before. 

And I keep thinking that if I can help someone
with the things I've been learning, then it will be worth it. 
Even if I only help myself as much as I can, for now. 
Until people can read my blog one day
and they can see the frustrating parts of my life
and how much I've been struggling with some hard things. 
And can see that the suffering isn't permanent
like I used to believe that it was... 

And that we can build ourselves stronger
and become more capable of a lot more
than we thought we were. Ever were.... 

"Eventually you got to move on from it
and accept it or it will keep destroying you
like it has been.... "

Dwelling on sh*t hasn't been helping. 
Looking at it isn't the same as dwelling on it. 

I guess I was lucky to have as many chances as I had. 
And to have this chance that I have right now. 
I wasted too many chances. 
With people I love. 
With people I lost. 
Why didn't I realize that I was wasting the chances I had?
Because I couldn't see that I was?
Well, now I can see that I did. 
It sucks that I did. But I did. 

I'd love to have succeeded more this year, 
and previous years... 

I thought I was, at times. 
I thought I was doing the right thing. 
Then I had to second guess myself. 
And others reacted to me in ways I didn't expect. 
But can we totally predict how people are going to react to us?
I mean, what can we expect?

"Hey Mom, thanks for caring enough about me
to want to help me out, but I didn't want you to do that..."

Instead of:

"You're dead to me, I want nothing to do with you. 
I'm blocking your number. Don't come to my house. 
I don't love you or care about you anymore."

But I can see why he's angry with me. 
He could tell me that he's angry. 
We could have talked about it. 

But he wanted to hurt me and cut me off. 
But it's not about me.
Even if I wanted to get help for him. 
He has to want help. Even if he needs it. 

But there are times I spiraled and was too much
in my ego to ask for help. 

I guess I started getting help when I got help
to quit drinking. 
I think I was going to counselling before that. 

A friend keeps telling me that I need a therapist. 
He can only do so much for me. 
But he has been helping. 
Listening. Helping. 
Pointing things out to me. 
There are a few who have. 
One isn't anymore. 
But I guess I needed to know if he was still in my corner. 
Because I'm pretty f*cked up. 

I remember the time when I was walking around, 
looking for a place to smoke a joint. 
Before it became legal. 

There was a little park, kind of on an island thing. 
I remember what time of year it was. It was Spring. 
I was still in the program at the kitchen. 
There was a guy who waved to me. 
I walked down the hill to talk to him. 
I don't know why because I didn't know him. 
Asked him if he wanted to smoke a joint with me. 
He had some fruit so he shared his fruit with me. 

We got to talking and he told me about the first time
that he ever did fentanol. 
He said he did half of it in the gas station bathroom. 
And when he got to the clerk, he crashed
and he almost died. 
The clerk called him an ambulance. 
They brought him back. 
He told me he was angry that they didn't just let him die. 

I know that the homeless alcoholics have their stories. 
They respected me because I listened to them. 
I wasn't judging them. They took care of me. 

I always wanted them to tell their stories. 
It's good to tell their stories. 
Thought about volunteering in the computer room
at the shelter and helping some people start a blog. 
Writing has helped me so much. 

And knowing that I'm connecting to people out there. 
Even if I don't know who is reading it.
Or what they think about anything I write. 

But it's not about what people think about what I write. 
It's about how I feel better. 
It's about getting stuff out. 
Do I write to feel better? Yeah, most of the time. 
Does it help? Yeah, most of the time. 

Yes, I still talk to people about some things. 
Only a few people. 

It's not that I'm stirring the pot. 
I can see how it might look, 
but it's not that way. 

I don't do things for drama purposes. Ever. 
Yes, I get emotional. 
Yes, I make mistakes. 

But maybe if I saw how it would look, 
before I did what I did, 
there's a good chance that I wouldn't do it. 
There are times I can only see how it looks to me. 
Because I know how it looks to me
and I know how I intend something. 

But it's not always taken the way that it was meant. 
Pretty much anything that was meant well
can be taken badly. 
But because I meant well doesn't meant
that it will be taken well. 
Or that I will. 

But I have only seen things from my perspective at times. 
Until much later... 
So it's not how it looked, but I can see how it looked. 

But if I could have seen how it would look, 
then I could have stopped myself from doing stupid things. 
And I should have been able to
no matter how it looked to me. 

"How will this look to them?"
Wasn't something I ever really asked myself
and I probably should have. Too many times. 

Instead of asking myself that, I'd act impulsively. 
Without thinking. Stupid, I know. 

And my friends got mad at me when they were trying to help me
because they knew I could only see things
the way I was seeing things
and not how things might look to other people. 
I still do, at times. I hate that about myself. 
I hate that I'm like my mother this way. 
I never wanted to be like this. 
But I had to realize this about myself. 
For a long time, I wasn't. 

And seeing things after the fact only helped me so much. 
It wouldn't change any of the facts, though. 
Or change how it was taken, 
or change how it affected anyone.
Even when it wasn't intended to affect anyone that way
or be taken that way.... 

But it helps to be able to see it. 
I couldn't for a long time. 
I was around people who couldn't see it, either. 
I guess they are lucky that I learned 
how to take things better
and that it probably doesn't look to them
the way it looks to me. 
But, I wish they were able to see how it looks to me. 
Because I guess people take it according to how it looks to them. 

They can't take it according to how I meant it
because they don't see it the way I meant it. 

And they think according to how they feel about something. 
And if it doesn't feel good, 
they aren't going to think too well of it. 

I can understand reacting badly to being let down. 
I started getting used to being let down. 
Not that my expectations were all that high, 
but I guess I had certain emotional needs that weren't being met. 
And it didn't occur to me to try to meet them on my own.
It was like I was always supposed to meet the needs of others. 
Even though I let them down, constantly... 
And they couldn't meet their emotional needs on their own, either. 

All the while wanting to be good enough, 
but never feeling like I was... Ever. For anyone. 
Because I just wasn't. 
Because I was always letting people down. 
I never knew how to be what they needed me to be. 
Let alone what they wanted me to be. 

So how could I ever expect anyone to be anything for me?
I couldn't and I can't. 
When depressed, it's kind of a selfish thing. 
Because we only see the ways in which WE are deprived. 
Not the ways we are depriving others of what they needed. 

But it's not like we can force anyone to see things
that they can't see for whatever reasons they can't see it. 

I hate that I've been so selfish. 
That I've been in my ego for so long. 
That I've wanted things that I couldn't have
and looked to others to provide me with some sense
of belonging, or acceptance, or whatever it was. 
And even clung to people. 
Because I was neglected. And I was neglectful. 
I was wasteful with the chances I had. 

I didn't address any of my issues. 
I didn't know how to address any of my issues. 
Addressing issues wasn't a thing in my family. 
I couldn't tell anyone in my family:
"When you did this, I felt this."
I tried talking to my mother about things in the past. 
She'd just get mad and defensive
and told me to stop blaming her. 
For things that were her fault?
For things she didn't want to take responsibility for?

And there were times that I got defensive, too. 
When people tried talking to me
about things I did that they didn't like. 
Because it did make me feel bad and guilty. 
And ashamed, but I never really took shame well. 
And I actually have a lot to be ashamed of. 
But I wasn't ready to see how I was trying to escape
accountability for my own actions
and my own choices. 
Why? Because I didn't know how to address anything?
Because of the discomfort of addressing things?

And look where that got me today... 
Looking at the mess of my life... 
Feeling lucky I made it to the point I can see some things, 
but just learning how to become a functional person. 
While hating myself for being so dysfunctional for so long. 
And coming from where I came from, 
you can see why I became the way I did.
But you can also see that I had a choice NOT to be like that. 
And I didn't have to want to be like that or be like that. 

It's like I was in arrested development. 
I had only developed to a point. 
Because all I had were my thoughts, beliefs, feelings, 
and trying to take action when I didn't know how to act properly. 
How could I have known how to show up
if few people ever showed me that?

Like who could I have talked to?
And even now... I have a few friends
who aren't completely tired of me by now. 

Like they know that these things are things
that I obviously needed help with.... 
That I can't just tell just anyone. 
Or can't just ask anyone. 

A lot of people aren't dealing with things
because they don't know how to deal with them. 

So I couldn't deal with some things. 
"Forgive yourself for not knowing what you were doing."
It's a hard thing to forgive myself for. It really is. 

My heart's been in the right place, mostly. 
My head took a long time to get closer. 
I haven't always been in my right mind. 
Probably because I was usually high, 
and 'self medicating'
and trying to get my validation in ways
that were not working. 
I was getting what I needed, 
but I wasn't giving others what they needed from me. 
Which didn't make me a good person. 
I wasn't being responsible.

Obviously self medicating wasn't the answer to depression. 
Looking for validation wasn't the answer. 
Avoiding things I didn't know how to deal with wasn't the answer. 
Acting on how I felt about things without thinking about it
wasn't the answer. 
Only looking at things from my own perspective
wasn't the answer. 
Taking other people's traits wasn't the answer. 

Does it matter how we were? Or how we are becoming?
Maybe a bit of both. 

Like we all had our lessons to learn...
I am not the only person to make mistakes in life. 
But I don't know why I thought certain things were important
when there were other things that were more important. 
But I couldn't see how important it was. 
And I tried to make things better, 
but I kept making things worse. 
Because I was scared that I would?
Because I wanted to be good enough
but never really felt good enough?
Because I had no f*cking confidence?