It Didn't

For one, I'm glad Christmas is once a year
and that it is over, 
secondly, I hope everyone had a good Christmas.

These feelings are not going away. 
They keep coming up all day long. 
Even when I'm sleeping. 

I don't know how to describe it, 
but it really doesn't feel good. At all. 
Been over this a million times now. 
I wrote about the things that are bothering me. 
And one might suggest that the reason things are bothering me
is because I do not have control over those things. 

Which is something I need to accept. 
I don't control what others do and say, or think. 
Why is it hard to accept?

Because we want people to do the right things?
We really, really, really, want that. 

Like no matter how many times I try to explain
why I did what I did, it probably won't matter. 

And I have no say in whether it matters or if it doesn't. 
Whether my explanations are going to be taken 
into account or not. 
Whether or not I'm taken into account or not.... 
There's actually a lot beyond our control.

A lot to do with what others do, say, and think.
And we don't control how someone reacts emotionally, either. 
Although there is likely an emotional reaction. 
And we do have an influence, either way. 
Which is not the same as control. 

But anyway.... It'd just be cool
if I can keep my cool
and not act like a fool. 

But I had to do something
and what I did might be seen as foolish. 

"What's done is done."
Can't go back. 

I still blame myself. 
"How can you blame yourself 
for the things that were not in your control?"
I still find a way to do that.
As though I still have control
over things that I actually don't.

Just still... Shocked by this. 
Don't even know what to do
and these feelings still keep coming up. 

And a lot of people think it's not so bad. 
And it might not be, but there's a lot that I don't know. 
And those feelings that come up are conflicting. 
Loving someone, but other feelings get mixed in there. 
And then going about things the way that I did, 
which doesn't make them feel any better. 

It's hard to move forward from this. It really is. 
It doesn't feel good. At all. 
I don't know what would make it any better. 
I don't think there's anything I can do. 
To make it better.... 

Don't know what to do from here. 
And feeling like there is nothing I can do. 
All this uncertainty is doing my head in. 

I got scared. Didn't know what to do.
And maybe I can't make it better now. 
I made my mistakes. 
I don't think there's any making up for that. 
No matter the reason. 

I don't see how we can start all over again. 
Like I made it worse. All of it. 
I don't see how I can fix it. 

It doesn't feel good. At all. 
I'm sad. Really sad. About this and other things. 
I don't know how to cope. 

This isn't how I saw things playing out. 
It came out of the blue. 
And yes, I acted too quickly. 

I feel that I have failed and with that comes a lot of shame.
A lot of shame and sadness. 
It's a sinking feeling. 
That I feel like I can't escape. 
Feels like there's only one way out. 

Most people who want to die
don't actually want to die. 
They just don't want to be stuck
feeling the feelings they feel. 
Like failure and shame. And grief.... 

"Are you willing to feel something else?"
That is an important question. 

Being willing to and being able to....
Are different.... 
Considering the circumstances.... 
Why do the circumstances dictate how we feel?
Been stuck here. For most of my life. 

Both can do something about their side of things. 
It isn't just for one side to acknowledge their part. 
Both have to and have to want to change. 
Most people don't know how to change. 
They hold onto their habits.... 

I'm so sad about things. 
Things may have had some hope at some point, 
but I don't know how to get that back, now. 
And am I supposed to keep trying?
When I f*cked up so badly?

Was I the only one who f*cked it up, though?
But, I do blame myself for a lot. 
Even the things that weren't my fault. 
But, especially for the things that were my fault. 
It's not enough to acknowledge that it was my fault. 
I know this. There are things that we can't change, though. 
Such as the past... 

But I am not completely blameless. 
And others aren't completely blameless. 
"This didn't happen in a vaccuum."
No, it didn't. 

But I did p*ss people off. Many times. 
All the disappointments from my end.....
And getting scared....

Disappointments I can get over, 
but it's harder to stop being scared.

And I know what I was told about being scared
and about worrying....
"Don't put your hand on the hot stove."
"That's how worrying works."

I can understand some things, 
but there's some things that I don't get. 
Some things that do not sit right with me.