Been On My Mind

Don't know what to say anymore. 
Doesn't really matter what I say. 

I'm trying to come to terms with some things
that aren't easy to come to terms with.

The feelings won't stop coming up.
Don't know what to do with that.

This has been on my mind, a lot. 
Maybe too much....
I have a lot of guilt. From past stuff.
Never thought much of that stuff until it hit me.
Had I thought about it, 
probably wouldn't have done most of it.
Can't undo any of it.

This isn't how I thought things would be.
I'm paying a sh*tload of karma. 
For everything I ever did in my life. 
For every mistake I ever made in my life.

Other stuff has been on my mind, but mostly this. 
A lot of grief stuff going on. I miss my son so much. 
I'm so sad. I can't even describe how I feel. 
I keep writing about this over and over again. 
It helps me a little bit, but I'm really struggling with this.