Don't Know

Very sad, very tired.... 
Wanting to fix everything that I can't fix. 

Been scared. Made things worse and hard for myself. 
Miss my son. He wants nothing to do with me. 
Because I approached this the wrong way. 
This has affected him, as much as me. 
He can't see what this has done to me. 

I know he has his own things going on. 
I had my things going on, too. 

"You've done all you can do."
I did things the wrong way. 
Of course he's going to feel a type of way about that. 
Even though I told the truth
about what he's been saying. 

What he's been saying is related to how he's been feeling. 
And he thinks his feelings don't matter. 
And he doesn't want to talk about how he feels. 

The stereotype with guys is that guys don't talk
about how they feel. 
Like feelings and all of that emotional stuff's for girls. 

And I remember being his age. 
I was all over the place emotionally. 
I was pregnant. I was still in high school. 
I was dating his father. 

Being a girl and being a boy is different. 
Biologically, socially....
I get that. I don't know what it's like to be a boy. 
Wanting to fit in with the other boys.... 

In the teens, it's hard. 
We can't see past high school
and with no direction, there's no direction. 

That's what I needed as a teenager. Direction. 
To develop the ability to direct myself. 
Emotions and thoughts overcame me. Constantly. 
Just like how emotions overcome me, still. 
Thoughts overcome me, still. 

There's a lot that I do not have control over. 
I know my son is his own person. 
I don't want to control him. 
I wanted him to be set up so that he can control himself. 

It's hard to work with him to work out his stuff
because he doesn't want to.
At that age, I wasn't wanting to work out my stuff, either. 
Which is why I'm still working out my stuff. 
I'm concerned about him. 
But I have to let him go his own way.
It's really hard to just let go. 
Because I really care about him. 
I haven't been at my best, he knows this. 
He doesn't think anyone cares about him. 
Because people don't show it. 
My family doesn't. 
They don't show it to me, either. 
I get how he feels about not having people in his life. 
People he can count on, who will support him. 
It's hard to learn how to support ourselves. 
And to direct ourselves. 

Many think it's not so hard. 
I didn't get a proper upbringing.
My son didn't either. 
And that is as much my fault as it was his father's. 
Can't leave that up to our kids. 
Can't leave that up to society. 
Not today's society. 

I have a lot of guilt. 
And a lot of the good things I did show him
went out the window the times I messed up. 
And a lot of other people's influence overrode mine. 
In negative ways. 

And those pills he was on... That set him back. Big time. 
And I know that medication isn't always the answer. 

People think that medication might fix
chemical imbalances, 
but they may actually cause them. 

I know what those pills did to me. 
And I realized that I was sad about things
and depressed about things that pills can't fix. 
Angry about things that pills can't fix. 

It's not entirely about mental health, 
It's about emotional health, too. 

But it's so much more than that. So much more. 
How the brain is built and how it works.... 
Can pills fix brain activity? Maybe not. 

And from a spiritual perspective, 
our souls can be damaged. 
Our spirits can be crushed. 

Been starting to believe more and more in possession. 
And we aren't taught how to protect ourselves
and others from that. 
Because most people don't have spiritual beliefs. 

And we have to deal with trauma....
And if we don't know how to deal with our own trauma, 
we don't really know how to deal with others' trauma. 

But wanting to cause trauma, is another thing. 
Wanting to traumatize others.... 
Wanting to cause fear.... 
Wanting some form of power.... Over others.... 
That's another thing. 

We can't decide for others, though. 
That is the conumdrum. We can't choose for them. 
They have to choose. 
We have to accept their choices. 
Even when it's hard. 
Even when we don't condone certain things. 
That they made the choices they made. 

I know my son is very stubborn, like me. 
We are alike in a lot of ways. 
But pushing me out means he doesn't want to be like me. 
In some ways, I can see why he wouldn't want to be. 
In a lot of ways, I don't want to be the way I am, 
the way I've been. 
Thinking the way that I think. 
Even when some people agree with my motives
and understand why I did what I did
and understand why I feel the way I feel. 

But I realized that I think the way I think
because of the conclusions I came to on my own. 
And I know that my thinking isn't always right. 
Because the way that I see things
isn't always right. 
So what I think about the way I see things, 
and how I see things gets me thinking things.... 

And reacting out of fear... 
And all kinds of other stuff.... 

Doesn't allow me to act in the ways I should be. 
Doesn't allow me to be fully rational. 
To rationalize appropriately.... 

I can see that, but it hasn't really taught me
to slow down and think things through. 

"What would happen if I do this?"
"What would happen if I don't do this?"

Both of those things.... 
They get me digging holes that I can't get myself out of. 
Because those are questions that I don't often ask myself. 
So I go ask for advice from people who actually want to help, 
but they give me the wrong kind of advice sometimes. 

It seems like the right thing to do. But at what cost?
Will it be looked at like the right thing?
When it has effects on someone else?

Do people look at me and think:
"That's okay, she was trying to do the right thing."?
Or wonder why tf I did that?
Or not care WHY I did what I did
and only look at what I did.... 

Because someone told me that I should?
Because someone told me that they would?
Despite what the reaction or outcome could be?
But I do not and cannot control
anyone's thoughts about what I did, 
or why I did what I did. 
I cannot control other people's reactions
or the outcome.... 

Like even when we have good intentions, 
the outcome may be disasterous. 
But more so when we don't have good intentions....

Like if people's intention is to help me.... 
And they are telling me:
"Don't do this, do this...."
And then my perception is f*cked as it is.... 
And I still have to choose what to do.... 
"In the end it is YOUR choice."
Yes, it is my choice. 

Like it is my choice to speak up about something. 
Or not to speak up about it. 
And there are times I regretted speaking up about something. 
And times I regretted not speaking up about something. 
And often we only get one chance
to do "the right thing."

I regret some chances I took. 
And regret not taking some chances I could have taken. 
A lot of the time it was due to not knowing what to do
in those times. Where I had the choice
whether to act or not to act. 
And a lot of it was just reacting. 

If I had known the proper response to those times, 
And been able to respond properly, 
I'd probably be at a completely different junction in my life. 

I realized that I didn't get to fully mature and develop. 
In a lot of different ways. 
Even at my age. 
So I know how stuck my son feels. 
And how frustrated he feels. 
And how lost he feels. 

And although I want to help him, 
what help am I providing for him?
Am I just ruining things more?
When that wasn't my intention?

And the people who advised me to do some things.... 
Who were just trying to help, 
weren't actually helping me. 

And in the end it was my choice whether I should take their advice. 
To discern whether or not it was the right thing to do. 
Just because they think it is
doesn't mean that it is. 

Because there are effects, consequences, etc. 
Whether or not it was supposedly
"the right thing" or not. 

Telling what I know.... Good or bad?
In my mind, I had to make a hard decision. 
Because I don't want anyone to get or be hurt. 
But I can't control the choices others make. 
Because they have minds of their own. 

And I have to also look at things
the way other people see them. 

They don't always look at things the way I see them. 

"She did that because she got scared.
The things I told her, scared her."
They might not see that.
They might only see:
"She did what?!
She filed a police report on me?
She told the cops all those things I told her?"

Just like when I did the wellness check. 
I had no way of knowing that they were safe. 

Been trying to rationalize my actions. 
And a friend keeps trying to reassure me:
"You did the best you could.
You were just being a concerned mother.
My mother did it, too."

And he admitted being angry with his mother
for doing that. 
But given the info.... 
He knows my son needs help. 
But the right kind of help. 

I still need help, but the right kind of help.

Like a friend of mine who has been trying to help me.
He tells me to do the opposite of what I think I should do
because he knows I make the wrong choices. 

And sometimes I make things bigger than they are. 
Sometimes things are bigger than I thought they were. 
And often I don't know how to deal with some things. 
A lot of the time, those things deal with me. 

And yes, sometimes people can actually help us.
But a lot of the time we can still hinder ourselves 
by letting them try to help us
when they can't give us the help we need. 

And people have to want help, too. 
If they don't want help, they can't be helped. 

For a long time I didn't want help
because I didn't want to be told what to do. 
Because I don't like being controlled. 
Most people don't. 

And in my rebellious days, I used to do things
that I knew people didn't want me to do. 
Just because I knew they didn't want me to do them. 
And I knew most people in my life didn't care.

And I needed to become someone
who I needed in my life. For my son. 
So I tried talking to him. 
I tried getting him out of his room. 
There were times I felt that we were bonding. 
Maybe that's why he opened up to me. 
But he kept looking at me like I didn't care, 
even though I do care. I called him. I reached out to him. 
I told him I am here for him. 
Like if you're lonely, come over. 
But he kept crying out for help and I didn't catch
what he was trying to tell me. 

I lost a lot of opportunities to actually help. 
To try to get him to open up more. 
But to respond to it in a proper way. 
Not to keep getting scared, but to understand. 

I know that a lot of it is anger and pain. A lot of it. 
Angry at me for stupid choices I made. 
For him feeling like I don't care. 
For missing the chances I didn't take. 
And I understand that. 
A lot of people didn't take the chances with me
that they could have taken. 

I look back on the relationship with my mother. 
And I see that I was like her in a lot of ways. 
In ways I didn't want to be like her. 
And I sabotaged myself a lot. 

And I see that there are ways she didn't mature
or fully developed either. 
Like she got stuck at a certain age and didn't progress past that. 
And as much as I don't want to admit it, I got stuck, too. 

And a person I've talked to... 
"A***, you'll be 40.... 
How do you want to change your life?"

Because only I can change my life. 
Nobody has any magic wand or whatever. 

And there was someone saying that 
I'm connected to past and future events. 
And when I hold onto both, I'm being stretched too thin. 
So I have to let go of one of them. 
Just to survive. 

I have a lot of regrets about the past. A lot. 
And the future is so full of uncertainty. 
And a lot of fear comes from not knowing. 

When we know something, 
we have choices in how to handle it. 
And I was put in tough spots. 
Having to make tough choices
that are hard to make. 

And I let my son down many times in the past. 
I know this. I didn't see that I was doing that. 
I realize that I did it and I can't undo the disappointments. 
Or what he sees as betrayals. 

Yes I broke his trust and ultimately 
whatever bond that we had left. 

I only had so long to get it right. I didn't. 
But these choices were also his dad's to make. 
Our choices to make. 
What's his dad doing about this?
He isn't telling his dad or his doctors. 
It's been up to me and I f*cking failed. 
All because I didn't know wtf to do!!!!!!

And I'm trying to tell myself
that this isn't ALL my fault. 
Yes, some of it is. Even a lot of it is. 
All the stupid sh*t that got me here.... 
The booze, the drugs... 
All the stupid temptations.... 
All the sh*t that meant f*ck all. 
That's on me. For the rest of my life. 

AND YEAH.... I'M MAD AT MYSELF. 
FOR NOT KNOWING BETTER. 

"WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT THAT, NOW, A***?"
ABOUT THE FACT YOU DIDN'T KNOW BETTER?
ABOUT ANYTHING IN THE PAST?
WTF CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?
LEARN FROM IT? IF ANYTHING?

Are we born knowing everything? No.
We mature over time. We wake up. 
We go through phases where we think we know, 
but we actually don't f*cking know anything.