Maybe I Am

It's really f*cking hard. This time of year, but it's more than that. 
I had to do something and not knowing what to do makes it hard. 
I had to do more than what I did. 
This was about keeping the communication open. 
About communicating better. 
Telling someone things they needed to hear, from me, 
but I didn't know what to say.... 

And I didn't do the right things, 
even though I was being told that I was doing the right thing. 
And I should have acted sooner. 

And now when people tell me to let it be
and try to relax, I can't. 

Because I already f*cked up so much.
I broke his trust. I f*cked up our relationship. 
I was put in a really tough spot where I had to do something, 
but I didn't do the right thing. 
Even though I was told that I was.

And then I was told by someone that they'd do everything they could. 
I have one option left. 
But I feel like I have no options left
because he wants nothing to do with me now. 

I have to somehow be okay with what I did do. 
Even though it didn't have the effect I wanted. 
It wasn't the right path to the destination
that I wanted to get to with my son. 

I wish I didn't know the things I was told. 
Because I had to act on those things. 
And those things are hard. Very hard. 

So living for the moment... Yeah. 
That's what I have to do right now. 
Because I didn't have a plan. 
I don't have a plan. 
I need cooperation from his father that I know I won't get. 
My son does not want to get the help that I know he needs. 

The doctors he was seeing, he didn't tell them what he told me. 
And it's up to me to do something about it. 
So the cops were called and a report was made. 
And it just looks like I'm being crazy. 
Because he won't admit anything to the police. 
And who knows what his dad's saying?
He wasn't there when my son told me. 
He doesn't know what my son told me. 

And I think about this all the time. 
Like I can't just pretend like I didn't hear what I heard. 

And do I just throw my hands up and say:
"I did something"?
"I asked for help"?
"The people who were supposed to help me didn't"?
And you have one more shot to get him help.... One more....
Do you take it if it's likely to blow up in your face?
Even though he already hates you for trying to get him help
that he doesn't want? 
And he doesn't want anything to do with you?

And overstepping because you didn't have his permission
to send him to the hospital. Was taken against his will. 
And this time, I told them everything
and they saw no reason to take him
even though I told the truth. 

And when they deny it, makes me look crazy. 
"She's mad because he wants to be in control. 
I told her I want nothing to do with her anymore
and now you're here with THIS?!"

My hands are tied. It really feels this way. 
I don't know what to do or say. 
My son probably won't change his mind about me. 
The second attempt to get him help
was probably worse than the first. 

Now I still feel like I need to do something, 
but I can't reach out to him. 
He won't have me in his life anymore. 

Feeling like this really sucks. 
And I brought it on myself. 
I was in this tight spot where I had to do something.
But I had to act in a way that I could do something. 
And I don't want to feel like it's too late already. 
It's a really hard spot to be in. Really hard. 
I can't even tell anyone how hard it is. 

And people are telling me to just let it be
and to just carry on with my life. 
And it's not that simple or easy. 
They don't know what it's like to be going through this. 
It was either turn a blind eye to it
or do something about it. 
I tried to do something about it. 
Did anyone listen to me?
Take me seriously?

They said I need professional help. 
And who do you ask for help?
Counsellors?
Crisis line workers?
Police? Doctors?

And what do you do when none of those people can help you?
And the father of your child won't help you.... 
For the sake of his child.....

"It's just the anxiety talking, A***."
The uncertainty drives me crazy. 
Knowing someone needs help
and not being able to get it for them. 
While time is running out.... 

"A***, if you had tried sooner.... 
If you had done something sooner, 
in the right way.... Things would be different."

Still very hard when your hands are tied... 
So do I "just let it be?"
Or try one more time?
Or just leave him alone?

I have this on a loop in my head.... 
I'm still his mother. I'd still help him. 
I know he's angry and won't talk to me now. 
Am I a perfect mother? No.
Will I ever be a perfect mother? No. 
I always meant well. 
Even when I f*cked up. 
Will I make more mistakes in life? Probably. 
As a mother? Yeah. 

I really don't know what to do. 
Feels like there is nothing I can do. 
I can't control how anyone thinks.
Or what people do. 

Just let nature run its course?
Just let people be angry?
Just walk away and let people live their lives?
Just hope for the best?

It's hard to accept being alone, 
but it's harder to accept being unwanted.
And hard to accept that my efforts
weren't seen as they were meant... 

"You're just doing what any parent would do."
And that's what I thought I was doing. 
"The right thing."
Maybe it's possible to do the right thing the wrong way?
Even if for the right reasons.... 
"Road to hell is paved with good intentions...."

People don't likes being forced to do things. I get it.
Should we just let people do what they feel like doing?
"A***, we can't live their lives for them.
We can't hold their hand through everything."

Do I keep trying?
One of my friends told me that he would do everything he could. 
Have I done everything I can?
Is doing more considered harrassment?

What would you do?

And I try to comfort myself:
"It's okay, A***. You didn't know."
I still don't know. Things could change. 
Things could work out, in the end. 

I just feel like things have already gone too far. 
In many ways....
Maybe I am overreacting... 
Maybe I am trying too hard...
Maybe I was making this harder than it had to be....
"Maybe you aren't...."
But maybe I am.