Being Alone

Being alone, at times, wasn't so bad. 
I found things to do. It didn't feel like this. 

There were other times my son ghosted me
and although that was really hard, I made it through.
He usually came back, but I don't think this time he will. 

Not knowing is the hardest part. 
Been going though depression over losing him. 
Over and over and over again. 
Then I'd start feeling okay. 

And felt better when he contacted me and
when we were trying to work things out.
Just in and out of my life when he felt like it
and often didn't know why. 
Usually when I wasn't dating, I'd hear from his dad. 
When I started dating, I wouldn't hear from him at all. 
He'd start ignoring me again. 
Or when he thought I was dating again. 

Or when I brought up some concern about our son. 

Don't know why it's so hard to be alone lately. 
It's starting to cause anxiety. 
The not knowing is doing me in. 
Not ready to let go under these circumstances. 
Nobody wants to split with their kid. 
I used to think we'd be closer when he got older. 
And he'd be by my side into my old age. 
Like I see some mothers with their sons. 
Ours has been a strained relationship. 

And yes, I could have put him up for adoption. I didn't. 
Obviously being a mother for the first time... 
When you're a young mother.... 

Lots of mixed feelings going on. 
Been trying to explain it. 
I don't usually talk about my son on here, 
I never used to. 
It was just supposed to help me work some stuff out, on here. 

The report was probably not the thing to do. 
I see how it looks to them. 
I'd feel bad if something happened
and I hadn't said anything.... 

I really don't even want to think about anything happening. 
I really don't like what I was told. 
No parent does. 
It's not something you want to hear your child say.

And to be looked at like I'm crazy. 
I feel like I'm going crazy. 
Going to police wasn't the way to approach this. 
I don't know if there was a better way to approach this. 
And without his father's help. 

And I feel like I'm going crazy. 
People telling me to just wait and see. 
"Did all you can do."

And trying to just live in the moment
when all this stuff is going on in my life. 
Can't see my son again
because of the attempt to get him to go to the hospital. 
And the report was just making things worse. 
So I can't expect to hear from them again. After this. 

And not knowing is driving me crazy. 
No communication with him 
so I don't know what's on his mind about me. 
He told me that I am dead to him. 
That he doesn't want to see, hear, or acknowledge my existence.

He knew exactly how to hurt me. 

I have pictures of him around my apartment
and he's always on my mind. 
And being isolated with my thoughts...

Because I approached this the wrong way. 
But how do you approach this?
With some understanding, I guess. 
Or something. 

Probably how I'd want it approached.... 
And being surprised like that wasn't the best way. 
Either time. 
The second time was probably worse than the first. 
I wasn't there to catch their reaction. 

But I really needed help with this. 
And I still do. 
This is weighing on my mind, 
on me, heavily. 
Just constantly in my thoughts.
Has been for a long time, but I was also thinking about 
other things, which are way less important. 
Like I shouldn't have been concerned about that, at all. 

I really didn't know what was going on for all that time. 
All the times he'd ghost me and stop talking to me. 
Sounds like his father didn't know, either. 

I wasn't even told when he ran away. 
I found out through my family, who saw the notice. 
He was already missing for a full day before I found out. 
I went out with my friend with posters
someone had helped me with at the college. 

This is a difficult transition but I have to accept their decision. 
That wasn't the way to address that
and wish I had access to a crisis team before the wellness check.
And I should have called the crisis line at the start of it
for a strategy to handle this better....
But I hadn't known to do it. 

It was hard to even say it out loud. 
To anyone. Even to myself. 

And I pushed him away, and even further away. 
And no knowing how he feels about me now. 
Says he doesn't love me anymore or care about me. 

"So you're stuck between a rock and a hard place." 
It wasn't just one instance. 
It was a split decision. 

And I can't keep quiet about things that I don't stand for.
I did for a while, I was in shock. 
But I had to do something. 

And what I did wasn't the best option
because I was getting him to open up sometimes.

So I'm stuck with not getting to have him in my life. 
We did have some good times. Wasn't all bad. 
I miss him, he's my son. 
What happened? Why the change?
I know it's the anger, but there's more to it than that. 
He didn't like me interfering in his life. 
I should have approached this differently, though. 
He is my son. I should have approached it differently. 

If his doctor f*cks this up, somehow....
I told him not to ask him questions directly, 
and not to mention me at all. 

I'm thinking that if the psychologist can do something
other than give him meds that he probably won't take
and if his doctor can be as f*cking discreet as possible.
That I even spoke to him in the first place. 

But even this could make matters worse. 
If the doctors handles this incorrectly. 
They are my last hope. 

They can't even give me any info
like when he saw him last. 
Or anything. And I know that he wasn't telling his doctors anything. 
He was only telling me. 

If my son found out that I went to talk to his doctor.....
About what he'd been telling me....
That's why I need him to ask indirect questions. 
And not to mention me at all. 

I had to ask him to get him tested for those things. 
Especially those two things. 

Wish I'd known to do that long ago. 
Wish I'd had his father's help. 

And I don't want to make a huge deal
but it's not something to be taken lightly. 
And I should have done more. Than what I did. 

Being alone feels weird.
Because I was starting to get used to my son coming over. 
And talking to him on the phone more. 
That was a big improvement. 

From when he wasn't talking to me at all. After the crash. 
And the times before that. 

Those were easier to take than this. 
Still hard, but easier to take than this. 

The uncertainty gets to me. Too much. 

People keep telling me that things'll work out. 
That things'll be okay. 
And my friend says I can't live the rest of my life
stuck in limbo. 
Because it's going to destroy me. 
I have to live in the moment. 
Not worry about the future. 

It's just that this has been so hard 
that it's like my life is on hold. 
Feels like my life's been on hold for years. 

I don't want to be stuck in these feelings
feeling like this is not good, in any way. 
Feeling sh*tty looking back on how I used to be. 
Feeling like I miss when things were good. 
And I ruined a lot. 

Missing how things used to be.

Things changed and I didn't know how much
or why.... But they did.

I wanted things to go back to the way they used to be.
When I felt the comfort and trust. 
When I felt the connection, there. 
Because I wanted that, so much. 
Still do, but I don't know how we can have that. 

Deep down, there's my little boy. 
Somewhere under all that pain. 
I understand that. That's what I have felt, too. 
And there were times he's been someone
who I don't even know anymore. 

I want to believe that he's still there, somewhere.
That there's still hope. 
I love him. I just can only protect him so much. 
Obviously, I want to prevent him 
from ruining his life and someone else's. 

I didn't want to lose him. Still don't. 
I don't want it to be too late. 

It's easier to see the symptoms
and not the underlying stuff. 
I know what's there and been there for a long time. 
But I felt like I couldn't take that away.
Even though it was my job to try. 

And he always felt like I didn't care
and that nobody cares. I care. 
I called and kept calling. 
But whenever I tried, I was annoying to him. 
Maybe because I still have issues
showing that I care. 
But it's not that I don't. 

And I still don't want to give up. 
Been told to step back. 
Went about this in the wrong way.
I still kick myself for doing that. 

For not trying another way.
Because there was some level of trust there.

And I had to approach this another way.
I didn't. I freaked out.
Because I got scared.

I still love my son and that's what mattered. 
Showing him that I am here for him. 
He just can't bring that sh*t to me
because he knows that I don't know how to handle it.
Because I handled it in the wrong way.
How are we supposed to handle that?

I was trying to, the best that I could. 
Still am. Because now that I f*cked it up, 
I still have to handle that I f*cked it up.

I know that the more I focus on it, 
the more I magnify it.

And he feels a type of way about how I handled it.
And so does his father. I get that.

I still love him. He's my son. 
But I want to trust him and he doesn't trust me now.
Because I freaked out and spilled everything. 
I know he needs love.
He just doesn't want it from me anymore.
Because he doesn't trust me anymore. 

I don't want to think the worst.. 
It's like he wanted to show that to me, for me to see it. 
He wanted to scare me and hurt me. 

And I want to do what's right for him,
and what's right for me, and everyone else.

And I don't know how to move forward now.
And I could have seriously f*cked myself over.
Probably already did because I can't undo what I did. 

I still love my son. I can't get him to see that, now.
I should have tried harder to get him to see that.
Would he have believed me?
Or would he only believe what he wanted to?

He needed more nurishing from me.
From everyone. Not just me.

And I understand how frustrating it is
not to get what we need. 
Especially when we need it the most.
And how painful that is. 

Some people can't give that to us. 
No matter how much we need it. 
No matter how much they want to give that to us. 
And that isn't our fault or makes us unworthy. 
Not theirs, either. 
When they don't know how to give that, they can't. 
I learned the hard ways. By not getting that
from who I needed it from. 

Does not mean that I'm not worth it. 
Or that I can't have that on some way
later on in life. 

Or find a way to give that to myself.... 

So I do understand. I really do understand. 
I wanted to show him that. 
But I was a part of his pain. 

He felt and believes that nobody understands. 
And by going about it the way I went about it
wasn't showing him that I understand. 
But at the same time, there are things that he needs to understand. 

That being hurt does not give us the right or excuse
to hurt anyone else. Ever.

People can think and say whatever, 
but they don't get to just do whatever. 

I broke that by trying to get him into the hospital. 
And by breaking his trust. 
But at the same time, I have to calculate risk factors. 

People have to pull themselves out of the darkness. 
I don't want people to have such pain. I don't. 
I don't want to be a part of anyone's pain. 
I don't want to hurt anyone. 

I still don't want to give up. 
I just don't know what to do.
And if people don't let me do some things....
Can I still do those things?

If I don't let myself do some things....
Can I still do those things?

Of course I still feel responsible. 
Negative expectations just create negative outcomes. 
For ourselves and for others. 

I don't want to lose hope. 
Or feel like I have none, either. 

It was my job to try to convince him
that there's still hope and I still have faith in him. 
And I still love him. 

He has to want to see it, though. In himself. 

And I don't know what's being put in his head, by who.
From his father, his peers, by himself.... 
There isn't a way of knowing that. Except to ask him. 

And it's like every time I tried to counter any of it, 
it just made him feel like it was right and I am wrong.
And going about it the wrong way ruined my chances. 
I just want everyone to be safe. That is all.
And that was the only way I thought that they would be. 

But going about it that way
was making him into 'the bad guy.'
When he hasn't done anything. 
Even though he is putting himself at risk. 

I get that he's hurt. I had to overcome a lot of sh*t in my life.
I had a lot of disappointments, too. 

I don't always know what to do or do the right thing 
at the right time etc.
Because I'm not perfect. I'm not.
Nobody is.

It comes down to healing. 
That's what it comes down to.
I caused pain, too. I get it.

I made things worse than they were.
By doing what I did. I have a role in this. 
He has his role in this, too. 

It wasn't to judge him, but I cannot condone
certain things. I can't. 

Not even when I know where it's coming from. 
I can't get behind unhealthy sh*t either.

And yeah, I might have it come back on me. 
For getting the police involved. 
Because I got blocked for that.
I screwed him over by doing that.
I had to do something, but that wasn't the way to go.
Even though others have told me
that they would have done the same thing. 

He was reaching out to me for help. 
I didn't know how to help him. 
I did more harm than good. 

I saw him active on his account 6 days ago.
He isn't talking to me, though. 
I don't think he will. 

I don't know if I should keep trying to reach out anymore. 
The wellness check was bad enough. 
But the report was even worse. 
I don't think there'll be any recovery from that.

But at least I can see when he was last active.
Even if he's ignoring all my messages.
He's most likely p*ssed off. 
He's stubborn and has a hard time letting things go.

And I'm having a hard time letting him go.
Not like this.

He is his own person and he has to make his own choices.
I can see how it looked to him. 
But he's got to see how how it looked to me, too.
Of course this was going to scare me and it did. 
It still does and trying to get over these jolts in the middle of the night.
They are still coming, but they aren't lasting as long.
I have to force it to stop.

Trying to focus on right now. 
Which is what I should be doing. Not on the future.
I feel like I made a mess of things. 
Don't know why the jolts in my sleep.

Maybe because I made a mess of things.
Things got messy. Wasn't all me.
It was mostly me, but wasn't all me.

Trying to feel okay, but I don't feel okay.
Because it's not okay
and I do not feel okay about it.

At the same time, I miss my son. 
I want him in my life. 
I just can't see how to work this out. 
He's p*ssed, I'm scared...
Angry with me and the world.

But without me, he wouldn't have brought into the world. 
He's not happy about being here. He said as much.

Just wish we could talk about everything. 
Lay it all out, then move forward. 
I don't know how to right now. 
Talking is one thing, but to sit down face to face....
I can't see that happening anytime soon. 

Probably won't hear from him
and if I do, I don't know that it'll be good.

Stuck in these feelings. Conflicting feelings. 
This is so hard.
I really wasn't expecting any of this.

This is a big change. Lots of changes. 
It's really hard. 

I don't feel like I'm doing the best I can. 
I should have been doing more. 
Lots of guilt there. Lots.

Feeling so stuck like there's nothing I can do now.
This didn't have to go like this. At all.