Heartbreak Support Group

I'm at this place in my life where I feel like my hands are tied. 
My kid gave me reasons why he wouldn't return or take my calls. 
Saying that he is depressed. I get being depressed. 
I've been trying not to take it personally
while he'd disappear from my life
without saying anything. For months. 
For a couple of years, one time. 
They don't live far from here. 
So I'd go over just to check on him. 
Just to see him. But they didn't want me to. 
So the last time I went to check on him, 
maybe I shouldn't have gone over there. 
I'm a concerned parent. 
Other people told me they would have done the same. 
I still question myself. 
They periodically treat me like I don't exist. 
It took so long for my son to start talking to me again. 
Now, I f*cked it up, again. 

I have to let them live their lives. 

I get that kids often blame their parents for their problems. 
Yes, I have probably affected my son. 
I'm not a perfect person. 
I wish I had given him a chance to have a better life. 
I really wish that I did. For him. 
We wouldn't have had the good memories together. 
But he would have had a better life. 

I'm not exactly a stable person.
I couldn't give that to him. 

I feel selfish for wanting to be a mother. 
When I couldn't be my best for him. 
I know I wasn't the worst, though. 

Nobody knows what I've been like as a mother. 
So they can't say I was the worst. 
But I know I wasn't the best. 

I'm struggling accepting myself as a person. 
Like where did I go so wrong?
Probably the drinking. I wish I hadn't. 
I regret that. I really do. 

I had a friend tell me that an ex took his son
and flew to Scotland and he never saw his kid again. 
I was in my son's life. Picking him up from school, 
taking him to school, doing laundry, doing mom stuff. 
Taking him to the library, to piano lessons. 

Looking back on stuff, I know I was pretty selfish. 
I had some addiction issues. 
And dating.... It seemed that I saw him less and less
when I was dating. Even though I always wanted my son. 
I always missed him. I still do. 

If anything had been different, it'd be different today. 
And it was my job to change things about myself
and change things for him. 

And I can't say that I did all that I could do, 
because I didn't. 

Been stuck on the past so hard and so bad lately. 
Instead of moving forward because I don't know how to. 
I don't know how to accept that he doesn't want me in his life. 
I keep going through this, too. 
It's been a thing for a long time. 
We'd get back together and things would be okay. 
And then I would keep trying to help him. 
And be a mom to him and he didn't want that. 

He needed a friend in me, but I also had to be a mom to him. 
He told me things he couldn't tell his father. 
But some of it was hard to hear. 
And hard to take. 
And I should have tried harder to get him help, 
and I feel like I waited too long. 
Waited for his father to get him some help. 

But when I needed his help in the past:
He's say: "What do you want me to do about it?!"
Because he didn't want to get involved. 
I needed him to stand up for our son and for me. 
I need to do it, too. 

I was young, I had nobody. I needed help. 
And there's nothing I can do about it now. 
I can keep trying to call them, but they ignore my calls. 
They ignore my texts. My messages. 

And all I can do is hope they answer
or hope to hear from my son. 
And I want to hear from him. 
They both know I want to talk to them. 
But they both treat me like I'm crazy. 

Am I crazy for wanting to be treated better?
At what point do I stop trying?
Do I keep trying even though they just still treat me like I'm crazy?
Or do I just let go and just let them live their lives?
And just start living for me?
And stop trying to be more for people
who never seemed to appreciate anything I did?

It's breaking me. Wanting to be there for my son. 
Like I always wanted to be... 
But knowing I wasn't strong enough to be
what he needed me to be. 

And he pushed me away. Again. 
Because I had the police check on him
and take him to the hospital
when he didn't want to go. 
And now I feel like sh*t. 
And that I made the situation even worse. 

I'm so mad at myself!
For everything I've done!
For not being better!

I have to treat myself like I matter, though. 
Like I have some value. 
Because if I don't, Who f*cking will?
Will I just be taken for granted for the rest of my life?
Have I taken others for granted? Yes, I have. 
I haven't always appreciated everything and everyone
and showed them the appreciation they deserved. 
Or even the recognition. 

I didn't get it. 
Instead I got treated like I'm just crazy. 
And nobody should care about me... 

And yeah it seems like I'm on a pity trip. 
I'm having a hard time moving on. 
Because that's my kid
and I don't want to just drop being a mom
but he doesn't want me in his life. 

It's hard to live for myself. 
He's always on my mind. 
And I've felt so much guilt before. 
Whenever I did anything before. 
Like trips I took by myself. 
Or trying to date. I feel guilty for that. 
For just trying to have a life and feel okay. 
Just waves of guilt....

I guess I thought that he'd always see me as his mother. 
And that we'd be close one day. 
When he started seeing me as a person, 
not just his mother. 
But someone who loves him so much.
Who cares about him. Who kept trying to reach him. 
Who kept trying to see him 
Who kept waiting and trying, and caring, and loving. 

Why is most of my life built around being a mom?
Or trying to be a mom?
Even though I'm not wanted anymore?
And just being unwanted is doing a number on me. 

Like how did my life get to this point?
This isn't how I thought my life would be. 
But what significant changes have I made in the last 10 years?
Besides quittng drinking and quitting smoking?
I've sat here feeling bad about stuff
day after day. Being hard on myself about it. 
Which doesn't help me feel any better, 
but I'm taking responsibility for it
by acknowledging it, 
even though I can't change it. 

"You have to focus on what you can do."
Someone told me that. 

I need to start feeling like I can do things. 
I can live for myself. 
I can try to improve my life. 

My friend was telling me that when I was jogging 
and doing my jumprope, I was doing a lot better. 
I stopped because I was losing too much weight. 
I still wasn't eating enough or very well. 

"The faster you accept things, the faster you will get better."
Someone told me not to dwell on it so much. 
He told me that I can't dwell on it. 
Because it will ruin my life. 
Dwelling on it will ruin my life. 
I can see that. It already is. 

I'm still shaky, and just.... It's not good. 
I don't know how to stop feeling like this. 

I wanted my son in my life for my entire life. 
Into my old age. 
Thought he'd always be there.
Wanted a relationship with him
that other mothers get to have with their sons. 

And that nothing else would matter
if I still had the love of my son. 
If I always had the love of my son.

And I have to accept that he doesn't love me anymore. 
That he doesn't care anymore. 

Is it harder having a child who doesn't love you
or care about you anymore?
Or having a parent who doesn't?
I guess I've been on both sides. 

I thought my son would always love me. 
And that we'd always be together. 

But if I'd always been a saint, he'd see me that way. 
I wasn't. But even then, would he always love me?
If I'd done my very best to be everything to everyone?
Especially to him?
Gave up dating or trying to feel like I had any worth. 
Through others 'seeing' my worth?
Gave up my stupid beliefs that I had at that time?
Gave up the way I had always looked at myself?
Found ways to feel better about myself?

As much as I had, I wasn't fulfilled. 

Struggling with my thoughts and feelings. 
Struggling with how people treated me. 
And my houghts and feelings about that.... 
Like I was just always going to be there. 
For them to make up their minds about
how they actually feel about me. 
What they actually think about me. 
How they actually want to treat me. 

And yes, I do need the help of people
who see hings differently
so that I may see some things differently. 

Like why I sought love in my life
just to try to get rid of that feeling
of not being loved
which never went away. 

And here I am now, without the love of my son.
Whose love matters to me the most, 
but we can't make anyone love us. 
He felt unloved first. 
I think he still does. 
If he knew how much I love him, 
he'd have no reason to feel that way. 

Maybe he just saw me trying to date
and thought I didn't love him
as much as a partner.
Which wasn't true. 

One thing I've always felt missing was romance. 
Because I had this belief
that to be truly worthy, I'd be worth
some romance in my life. 
And I had some for a time, but I ruined it. 

Because I wanted to do what I thought was best for my son, 
but it wasn't what was best for him. 

And I really f*cked everything up. 

He could have had a supportive network. 
Had a chance at a better life. 

It's for him how he wants to live his life
and I know he hasn't been happy for a long time. 
Some of my happiest times were times
that I got to be his mom. 
When we got to do things together. 
When he wanted to come see me. 
When we took that trip together. 
We really needed that birthday trip, 
but we never got to go there. 
Because our bus crashed. 

It's sad that he says he wants to die. 
And I remember when I used to want to, too. 
Because I didn't really know how to live. 
And I'm like "How do I live without my son?
Without getting to be a mom?"

"Who am I? How do I live MY life?"
Like literally half my life's been about my son. 
So yes, a huge loss. I feel it. 
Like every minute of the day.... 
And when I wake up at night. 

Trying to have a life.... 
After I quit drinking, 
and when I was in college.... 
I feel selfish for that. 
I feel like I should have been there for him more. 
And it shouldn't have been about trying to have a life.
Or maybe more of a balance. 

"Your life is every moment that you're alive, A***."
It's not about boys who won't treat you right. 
It's not about looking for your worth
through what anyone can see in you.... 
It's about learning, growing, evolving. 

In so many good ways.... 
Even when it f*cking hurts. 
Even when it hurts the most. 

Sometimes the pain gets so bad that it's tempting to just say:
"I've had enough of this."
"I've had all that I can take of this."
"This broke me so bad that I'm beyond repair."

And someone pointed out to me
that trying to keep someone alive
just because we want them to be alive is selfish. 
That we should just let people go who want to go. 

That is what I struggled with a lot with my father's suicide. 
It was his choice. Not mine. 
And my son's rejection of me.... 
It was his choice. Not mine. 

We can't control how people react to us. 
Is what a friend told me. 
And that a lot of times others' paths don't include us. 

Some other stuff like that... 

When it's your choice, you get to choose. 
When it's not, you don't. 

And that has been a really f*cking harsh truth. 

Even though others have had to accept the choices that I made. 
Even though they wanted me to choose differently. 
Even though I made some stupid choices. 
They still had to accept the choices I made. 
The choices that affected them. 
Either they accepted it or they didn't. 
And accepting it, or not.... Is a choice, too. 

One really good friend I had... He was my best friend. 
I met him at work. I loved the guy. 
I f*cking miss him so much!

He told me once: "Happiness is a choice."
He was pretty happy, at times. 
F*ck I miss that guy!
I remember being mad at him because he embarrassed me
in front of his friends.
So he was trying to call me, but I ignored him. 
I f*cking wish I never did that.

I've had to learn about myself. 
How I was f*cking up because I couldn't see it. 
I was letting my emotions guide me. 
I'm still learning about myself. 

I'm in a heartbreak support group. 
There, I am able to offer some of what was offered to me. 
Things people told me. 
Things that comforted me. 
Some things that helped me. A lot. 
Even knowing people care about what others are going through. 
Enough to talk to them about it....
It really helps. 

So I can be that person for someone else
and tell them what was told to me. 

Sometimes we are the ones who get to say the things
that make all the difference for someone. 
Just like someone else gets to be the person
that makes all the difference for us. 

And I wanted to be that for my son. 
I got in my own way. 
And he didn't want to listen. 
Just like I didn't want to listen when I was his age. 
And I can't take that personally. 
Because it wasn't about the people who were trying to tell me things.
It was that I wasn't ready to think about those things. 
So it was never personal. 
Even when they took my pushing them away personally. 
It wasn't about them. It was about me. 

A friend was talking to me today. 
He said some things that struck home. 

About accepting things.
I can't word it right, now, but it struck home.

I told someone some things. 
It didn't come out the right way.
It had me looking like I only was talking to him
for a couple of reasons when it wasn't like that. 
I was trying to tell him what I realized, 
a couple of realizations I made, 
through talking with him... 

Like the fact that I was lonely. 
And I need to curb that. 
Because I don't enjoy feeling lonely. 
And I have to be okay with being alone. 

I often get that feeling that I'm likely to be alone. 
For long periods of my life. 
And I have to be okay with that. 

Been having dreams about my son. 
In them, he's younger, and he needs me. 
Then I wake up and can't get back to that dream
where I can still be his mom. 

I can only be a mom to him if he lets me
and I blew my chance. 

I want to believe that by some miracle
he realizes that I thought I was doing the right thing. 
And that I was trying to help him. 
And that I just want to be there for him. 

Right now, I have to be there for myself. 
So that one day, if the time comes, 
I can show him. When or if he is ready to listen to me. 
But I have shot myself in the foot so many times
why would he listen to me?

"You did what you were supposed to do, A***."
People have told me that. 
But did I? Did I do what I was supposed to do?
Or could I have chose differently?

"Okay, D*****, I see you're upset
and don't want to talk right now.
How about I call you another time?"

Would that have been different?
Would he still be talking to me?
Would he have appreciated that more?

Or would getting away with not talking about things
that need to be discussed.... Longer...
"Oh, everytime I don't want to talk about something....
I don't have to talk about it....
Even though I should get stuff out....
And deal with some issues I have...."

But it's a balance because people don't like
being forced to open up when they aren't ready to. 

Someone told me that it's all about the approach. 
It's all about how you approach the person and the topic. 
But should we try to approach it if we don't know how?
Or should we learn how not to?

I had people not GAF about me in my life. 
I had to learn sh*t the hard way. 
I feel like I lost so much in my life. 
And that most of what I gained were realizations. 
Realizing some hard sh*t. 

Sometimes I think that if I can help one persom out there... 
I have had an alright life. 
I wanted that one person I made a difference for, to be my son. 
I still want to support him, help him, help him. 
He doesn't want me to. 
He feels like I only make things worse, not better. 
He hasn't had patience with me. 
He hasn't forgiven me. 
Is it for him to be patient with me?
To forgive me?

When I just wanted to teach him some things
that I learned that could help him
when he doesn't want to listen to me?

I had people trying to help me and I pushed them away. 
Because the way that they were trying to help me
wasn't helping me. So I get it. I understand. 
But I guess the intent was there. 
I tried to tell them that I need to learn some things on my own. 
But they were trying to tell me:
"How can you teach yourelf things that you don't know?"
I learned stuff from books. 
I learned how to play a few songs on the guitar
by messing around with the guitar... 
I learned how to get better at things by practicing. 

But it's not like we can practice being a parent on our kids. 
We have to know what we are doing before we do it. 

Someone was saying in a video I watched this morning:
"There are two boxes you fill from your past.
Sh*t that works and sh*t."

Obviously sh*tty experiences comes from the sh*t. 
Not the sh*t that works. 
Because if it was sh*t that worked, it wouldn't be sh*tty. 

I know that some of the sh*t my son said
was a cry for help and he wanted my attention... 
And he wanted to scare me. 
I don't know why he wanted to scare me. 

But could I not try to help?
Maybe in a better way... With a better approach. 
It was too impulsive. 
Who could I have asked?

And all my friends tell me is work at fixing YOU.
Don't worry about HIM. 
But I feel like I have to do both. 

The Universe has heard and seen all my fears. 
But I am not asking for any of that. 
So I need to stop being scared and afraid and worried. 
Even though there are things that could happen, 
it doesn't mean that they have or will.... 
And I can't act like they have or will....

I need to believe in my son. 
I want him to believe in himself. 
He only had me rooting for him. 
It's important to have someone to have confidence in you. 
When you don't have the confidence in yourself. 

It's important to have someone help build you up
and show you how to build yourself up. 
So that you can and so that you do. 

I didn't want to listen to a lot of people, though. 
I was too stubborn. 
I don't like being told what to do
and that is an ego thing. 
"Swallow your pride and just try it out...
Modify it if you must...."

But I get that things happen to us
and they get us feeling a certain way
about ourselves and about our lives.... 
I get that some things can be very painful. 
I have had a lot of pain in my life. 
Some I caused myself....
By causing some pain to others. 

"She'd really do this to me?
She'd really let this happen to me?
Well f*ck her, then."

Was I aware of what I was doing? Not always. 
Was I aware of how others would react?
Was I aware of the consequences? Not always. 
Had I thought it through, maybe. 
But how others react is their choice. 

I didn't have to react the way I reacted a lot of the time. 
To a lot of the things I reacted to. 
And I paid the price for that. 
Because I didn't know a proper response. 
And I felt I had to act. 
But I acted impulsively. 
And it turned it negative when it could have been positive.