Mixed

So many mixed emotions going on.
It's so hard. I can't even describe it.
I made this harder, but it was hard already.

Things would get better for so long. 

Self-care is a thing. 
Especially dealing with emotional things. 
This is one of the hardest things to deal with emotionally. 
And psychologically. 
He's my son. 

It's not like I ever wanted to walk away from him. 
I always wanted to be here for him. 

It's still hard having to be alone. 
When I want to be with someone I love. 
Yes, I still love my son.

Didn't do so great at showing him that. 
That's my fault. 

Mixed feelings. Up and down. Hard to handle this. 
I keep writing about it because It's really heavy for me. 
And I wasn't even going to write about it. At all. 
I'm just really struggling with this. 

All the other times he pushed me away was easier. 
It was hard, too, but easier than this. 

It's that I can't try to control the outcome
and I was trying to do something.

It wasn't about what I wanted, 
but not always about what others want, either.

This year and last year totally kicked my @ss. 
Just blown to smithereens.... 
This year especially.