With Any Hopes

 So... As hard as this is.... Being stuck in this
isn't making it any easier. 
I know that I'm not the worst person in the world. 
Despite my mistakes. 

With any hopes, I can just move on from this. 
And see that there is love out there. From friends, I guess. 
Some people do care about me. 
Even if we can't talk about some things. 
Even if I have to figure sh*t out on my own.... 
Even if I break sometimes.... 
They aren't there to pick up the pieces. I have to. 
I have to pull myself together. No matter how hard life gets. 
It's life, not a d*ck. Don't have to take it so hard.... 

There are beautiful things in life. 
Very beautiful things. 
Love can be one of those things.... 
Healing can be one of those things. 
Friendship can be one of those things. 

There's a lot more to life than loss. 
And heartache. Grief, sadness, etc. 
I have to try to remember that. 

But I guess we don't have to ignore everything else, but we can. 
Sometimes we can't and shouldn't.
It's good to know the difference, though.

And there's more to me than things people don't like. 

Why do we focus so much on things we can't have?
Instead of the things that we can?

Like a new beginning. Maybe it's been time for a while... 
Maybe I wasn't ready.... Maybe I'm still not... 
When will I be ready? 10 years from now?
When someone wants to be serious with me?
When I fall 'in love' again? With someone who loves me, too?
When I stop making mistakes?
When I can put all these heavy emotions aside?
When I'm done blaming people for things, 
even when there are things they are responsible for?
When I'm ready to be resonsible for the things I wasn't taking responsibility for?
When I feel safe and secure with who I am and with the future?
When I'm far away from here?
When I stop standing in my own way?
When I cut ties with my family?
When I meet some great people who will help me?
When I decide to start from here?

It's going to take a while... But it will happen. 
I have to believe that. For me. 
Even if I'm the only one who will. 
I have to care about me and my future. To have one. 
To have a better one than what I could have
if I don't do anything to pull myself out of this. 
Because I am all that I have. And I have to be okay with that. 
I have to work on feeling secure as a person. 
And learn to not let my feelings flood me. 
I feel so deeply that it's so hard to keep my head above water. 
That's why it's hard for me to handle some good feelings, too. 
When I'm happy, I'm really happy. 
Which make the crashes harder to handle. 

It's like I'm at this point in my life to build my strength up. 
Because I will need it. I need it. 
Nobody's going to be there to give me the strength. 
When I need it the most. I have to have it to give it to myself. 
Because I will need it. 
Even the strength to just be myself.... 

Anyway, it's okay to still be learning and growing. 
It would suck to just give up, even though I've been tempted to.
The thought crossed my mind a bunch of times. 
Sometimes, it still does. At my weak moments. 
But I can change my mind. 

I guess when I realized that it was less about
actually wanting to die and more about how I wish my life was different.... 
That's when the thoughts stopped crossing my mind so much. 
Life's still hard for a lot of people, not just for me. 
Lots of people have thought about suicide. Not just me. 
I think the first time that it crossed my mind... 
I was about 10 years old. 

At that time, we lived in a creepy house. 
It had a creepy cellar. There was another creepy house like that
that we moved into after that. 

That was the start of an important time of my life, 
but I didn't realize it at the time. 
I thought I was going crazy, I guess. 
That's debatable... 

I can't really go into detail about it. 
It sounds crazy and it's just.... It's for me to know about it. 
All I can say is that it helped me. 
And still does when I really, really, need it. 

I have to have some hopes for the future, though. 
I have a bunch of them, and I try to focus more on those
than some other stuff. 
I do have to do the healing work, though. 
It's 'soul work.' Because it's not just my heart, it's my soul. 

Like I was saying, my soul remembers all the traumas. 
Even if I try to forget about stuff
and have forgotten about stuff. 
My soul is still wounded. 

Anyway, there are other wounded souls out there. 
Not just mine, but it helps to know where the wounds are.
It's not just emotional wounding, it's on an energetic level. 
People think that we just get our feelings hurt, but it's not true. 
Sometimes the wounds are a lot deeper 
than just getting our feelings hurt. 

And I believe in psychic and spiritual attacks. 
I know it sounds crazy, like I am losing my mind... 
I don't expect anyone to believe me. Or understand me. 
It's for people to believe what they choose to
and understand what they are able to. 

I was having a lot of psychic and spiritual attacks last year. 
I was really losing it. 
I still have to figure out how to protect my energy. 
And channel it properly. Because I wasn't. 

Even now, I know that I can channel it better.
But I've been warned about worrying and about fear. 
Those are two places not to go. 

The mind is pretty powerful, a lot more than I knew. 
Thoughts aren't just thoughts. I used to think that they were. 
We have to be careful what we think about. 
And what we think about often... 

That's why I avoid watching a lot of stuff I used to watch
and why I stopped reading those true crime books. 
And I used to look at some other stuff. 
I used to feed my head with things that kept me feeling down.
I stopped doing that. 
I wasn't aware of how it was affecting me, mentally. 
And spritually. And emotionally. 
It was good for me to stop that. 

There are other things I need to stop
and a lot of things I need to start doing. 
I find it easier to stop doing things than start doing things. Often. 
But both start with a decision. 
Like the decision I made to quit drinking. 
The decision I made to quit smoking. 
There are many more decisions I need to make. Many. 
Some very important decisions. 

Obviously, I've made some pretty stupid decisions in my life. 
A lot of bad choices. Doesn't mean that I can't make good choices, though. 

Anyway, I have a lot to work on. 
Obviously, I'm far from the perfect girl or perfect person. 
I have to stop getting down on myself so much
for the things that I did that I can't undo. 
For the things I wish I never did. 
For not having the foresight to realize 
that I shouldn't have done those things. 
I didn't have to do those things. 

Yes, the regret gets to me, a lot. 
Even though I can't change anything I did. 

"Are you your past?" Someone asked me. 
I know I have to release my past and get on with my life. 
I don't know why it's so hard to do that. 
I have the chance to do that. 
Why do I still want people in my life who don't want me?
Because they once did? Before I f*cked it up?
Was it just me, though? No, but I did. 

No, I'm not my past.
"So why are you focusing on it so much?"
"Shouldn't you be focusing on what you can do now?
While you have a chance to do some good with your life?"

I miss people who I love. 
Even though they are not good for me. 
Even though I wasn't good for them, either. 

I hope they forgive me 
and I forgive them. 
But I still miss them, 
even if they don't miss me. 

And that's where I've been stuck. 
Because it's been pretty painful.
"If it hurts, stop going there, A***."
"Going back, energetically, to people you hurt, too. 
Let them find some peace, without you."
"Stop being selfish by wanting to love them
in ways that don't help them."

Yes, I did damage that can't be repaired. 
I regret that the most. 
It feels like mourning a huge loss.
Of what could have been.... 
What I wish it was.... 

And all I can think is that it wasn't meant to be that. 
Or else it would be that. 
And I should have listened. But I didn't. 

Been speaking to the Universe more, though. 
Asking for things for others
and asking for strength for myself and for people I love. 

Sometimes I feel like maybe I will reconcile one day, 
but I don't want to get stuck in the same cycle.
And they don't get that what I did was out of love.
I did some things out of my ego, too, 
and that wasn't good of me.
Coming from that place..... 
That's where I've sabotaged myself. 

I sabotage myself out of my ego. 
My selfish stupidity. 
Every time I acted out of love, that was out of love. 
But they see me coming from my ego sometimes. 
And they act out of their ego, too. 
Which doesn't make it healthy for either of us. 
"It's not about you."

Even though I love and have love, and want to love....
I don't always know "what love would do."
Been around too many people who act out of their egos. 
That I feel like someone else, who isn't me. 
I have been toxic when I was in my addictions. 
When I've been around wounded people. 
When I was trying to fill my voids
and trying to avoid even looking at any of this. 
Who I was.... Who I never wanted to be.... 
But I affected other people. Not just myself. 
I really f*cking regret that, too. 
I didn't do things the right ways. 
Not always for the right reasons, too. 
I was talking about this, tonight. 
"Still no excuse." I know. There was no excuse. Isn't any. 
What I did hurt others. Being selfish and stupid. 

So now the addictions aren't there. 
And I have to heal so that I'm not toxic to people. 
And if I have to be alone. For as long as it takes, I guess. 

I didn't want to realize what I was doing. 
I had my insecurities and was just plain immature.
No excuse. None. That's where I was, at the time. 
I couldn't f*cking see. I was so blind. 
I couldn't see what I had, what I could lose. 
And lost it all. 

With any hopes, I can find my way back to myself.
To who I truly am. 
To who I could have been.