Still Don't Want To

It's been hard, yes. Letting go. Walking away when I never wanted to. 
Still don't want to..... Feeling like I have little to no choice. 
It's like I have to fight for everything I ever wanted,
when others are fought for..... And sought after.... 

It's frustrating. Wanting things that aren't for me. 
Maybe not at this time. I don't know. 

I know how some things looked, though. 
Things didn't have to escalate to that point. 
They looked a certain way to me, too. 
Not everything is as it seems, but sometimes it actually is. 

I don't do things for the attention. 
Or to start sh*t. It looks like I do, but it's not like that. 
It's more like people try to start sh*t with me. 

Have I made mistakes? Yes. 
Have I learned and grown? Yes.
Had I been grown, I wouldn't have done what I did. 
I guess I can't blame it on not having been grown, but I wasn't. 
And I paid for that. I feel like I'm still paying for that. 
But as long as I stay to myself, I'm not doing anything
that I'm not supposed to be doing. 
And I know what I'm not supposed to be doing
so I'm not doing any of that anymore. 

I don't know why I thought I needed certain things
to get a boost. To try to feel better about myself. 

"I don't get how doing what you were doing
was supposed to help you with your insecurities."
I don't f*cking know how, either. 
And it didn't. 
So doing it was a waste and just brought shame onto myself. 
Because I do feel ashamed about my past. 
The regret is real. It's not just because I feel ashamed. 
It just adds to it. 

I get how it looks, though. 
It looks like the only reason I regret it is because of the shame. 
But I actually regret it. 
"If you will regret it, why do it?"
Because I wasn't thinking that I would regret it. 
I was trying to fill a need I thought that I had. 
I was doing stupid sh*t for selfish reasons, 
but I'm really not that person anymore. 

"So if you're not that person anymore....
Why do you keep regretting being the person that you were?"
Good question. Because I still regret that I was ever that person. 
Because that's not the person I wanted to be. 

"If that's not the person you wanted to be, 
why were you that person?"

I had stupid bad habits, but I can't blame my habits
for the person that I was. 
I was still the person that I was. 
I still chose to do what I chose to do. 
Even though I made the wrong choices. 
And I knew most of them were the wrong choices. 
And looking back on all of it, 
I made so many wrong choices. 
That affected others, not just me. 

I know, you're probably tired of reading about
my regrets and my remorse. 

It comes with re-revaluating one's life. 
Knowing that I caused pain causes me pain. 
Not only was I suffering, but I caused suffering, too. 
It may not be as bad as I'm making it out to be, 
I just feel it really deep. 
The regret isn't from feeling it deep. 
And feeling it deep isn't just from the regret. 
If that makes sense. 

I chose to look at it and I'm having a hard time looking away.
I'm having a hard time not blaming myself
for the sh*t I did because it was my fault. 
I was the one who did the sh*t that I did. 
Even when I did some of it for the right reasons. 
I still didn't do sh*t in the right way, at the right time. 

We can only see things when we look at them. 
Had some help from a few friends, too, to look at things. 
Talked about it. With them. 
They are trying to get me to let it go
and to move forward from my past.
And to realize what is important now. 

Would it be easier if I could forgive myself?
If I was truly forgiven?
If people could see things the way that I do?
If people could understand why I did what I did?
Would any of that make it easier?

If I didn't care, I wouldn't feel deep about any of this.
It would be easier to just forget like I tried to. 
I wouldn't be struggling to forgive myself
because I wouldn't realize that what I did was wrong. 

"But you knew, and did it anyway....
And now you see."

And this is why I can't f*cking sleep. 
And when I do, guilt wakes me up. 

And now.... I'm battling myself. 
Trying to tell myself that things are going to be okay. 
When I don't actually know that they are. 
How long can I lie to myself to pacify myself?
To try to lull myself back to sleep?

What if things will actually be okay?
But how would I know if they will?
Just because I tell myself they will?
Will that be enough to make it so?
Or am I lying to myself?

Even if you are remorseful about what you've done in the past, 
it doesn't make what you did, right. 
It doesn't erase things from the past. 
It doesn't erase the effects, either. 

Seeing it too late to do anything about it....
Is it better than not seeing it at all?

Do ignorant people feel guilty? About anything?
Do they ever feel bad?
Do they ever realize they were wrong?

It's a part of waking up....
Had I been awake, I wouldn't have to wake up. 

Sure, people prefer the comfort of their illusions.... 
Of their dream state. 

It's really been getting to me. 
All of it, but I've been getting to myself. 

"Release your past. You don't live there anymore.
You are not that person anymore.
Be happy that you're not."

It just bugs me that I care too much about some things. 
And I still don't seem to care enough about some other things. 

And I really need to heal. If I don't, I'm just going to be too raw.

"Learning from the past is what matters."
Yes, but why did I have to learn like that?
Couldn't I have learned from the mistakes others made?
Why didn't I care enough back then?
I did care, but not enough. 
And sometimes caring isn't enough. 

"It's cool that you care and WANT to do the right thing, 
but ARE you doing the right thing?"

"Until you know what is right, you will keep f*cking up."

Looking at myself, made me see how I was. 
How I used to be.... Doesn't feel good. Really doesn't. 

As much as I've done, as bad as it was... It could have been worse.
I'm glad I stopped doing what I was doing. 
But I didn't realize I had some issues. 
Did I have to see all of this to see my issues?

But all this guilt.... What do I do with this?
Express it and ask for forgiveness?
And what if the people I ask for forgiveness
won't forgive me?

My emotions have been all over the place... 
And still trying to pull myself out of this. On my own. 
But how long can I try to use things to help me?
And what if the things I try to use aren't helping me?