I Need To Remember

I feel like expressing my feelings is like me doing a pity thing, 
but it's just expressing my feelings. 
Because I'm just not able to actually talk about some things
let alone how I feel about those things. 

And I really just need to remember Who TF I am. 
And just build myself up, and restart my life. 
Move TF on, carry on etc. 
Like any strong person would do. 

It's like skipping or expressing the PAIN part is optional. 
I don't actually have to talk about my feelings. 
Do they even matter anymore?
It's quite possible that my feelings only matter to me. 
So the point of expressing my feelings is only for me. 
Not so I can pity myself. Just so I can express it
and not just let it keep sitting there, like it has been, for too long. 

But... It's like express it or repress it.... 
Can I afford to keep repressing everything?!
Where did that lead me? How did that help me?
It got to the point that my voice is underdeveloped. 
Because I didn't speak up or speak out. 
I didn't use it enough. It didn't develop.
Like my voice got stuck at a certain age.... 

But, I'd probably really benefit from processing my traumas. 
Processing my past.... My feelings regarding it. 
To just completely free myself from the pain attached
so that I can be at peace with all of it. 
Even the painful parts of it. 

That would require a lot of therapy. 
I don't know many therapists. 
But I'm sure that there are some, out there. Somewhere. 
Not just counsellors.... But therapists. 
I can try to make sense of things on my own, 
but it's been messy and my emotions are flooding me. 

I can't ask my friends for help anymore. 
I'm just burdening them. 
As much as they have things to tell me that I need to hear... 
I can only say "I need your help" so many f*cking times.... 
They are there to be friends. 
Not to make me feel secure about myself.
Not to make me feel better about myself or about my life. 

I have to rise above situations. 
And how they affect me. 
I have to do that for myself.
I have before, but I have to do it all over again. 
At least I have been able to do it before.... 
Why is it so hard this time?
Because there's been a bunch of situations to rise above this year?
And some situations have been ongoing... 
Makes them hard to rise above if they've been ongoing.... 
But I can still make the effort to rise above
my own thoughts and feelings, right?

Because I don't have to take everything personally. 
Or take everything so hard... 
It's a situation, not a d*ck, right?

I remember something someone told me once. 
He was trying to tell me that thinking as much as I do
was going to lead to some sort of psychosis
and that I needed something to get me out of my head....
So he was telling me I needed to go get a dildo.... 
Which I didn't get, yet. 

Someone was trying to get me to go to an xxx store....
I don't know why he wanted me to go with him. 
Like if you want to go, why do I need to go with you?
Like to see if I'd get horny?
"Well... Since you're horny.... Let's just...." No.

Obviously I don't want to be manipulated into doing it. 
I don't even really trust anyone to do anything with anyone anymore. 
The last guy I did anything with, wanted all the girls he could get. 
He didn't just want me. So no. I wanted just him. 

The last guy I was even interested in... He wasn't into me. 
It would have been a one time thing. A fling. 

Flings don't make me want anything. 
"But they are better than nothing, right?"
Better than "this is all you will get, so get used to it"?
"If you get anything at all?"
Because you should "dress better so I can stand to look at you"?
At least dildos don't come with insults....

But isn't pointless sex, pointless?

Why do my feelings make me feel so f*cking weak, though?
Shouldn't some sh*t give me strength?
Strength to say that "this doesn't feel good."
Not everything is supposed to feel good, I guess. 
Rejection definitely doesn't. 
But it doesn't have to feel bad, either. 
It could feel like "Meh. Okay."
Depends on how we take it. 
It's rejection, not a d*ck. Don't have to take it so hard. 

I guess it feels a certain way when it comes from family. 
Especially when you had dreams of being and feeling, and staying close. 
With someone you used to feel close with.... 
With someone you had a bond with and wanted that.
Wanted to keep that scared.... 
Well, I guess that we don't always get what we wanted... Surprise!
And yes, it's hard to let go, but this is a lesson.
Because I would have just held on forever. 
Because obviously, I still don't want to let go. 
And just walk away... Because I still care and still love... 
What do you even do with that?
Or about that?
All the love I wanted to give and still do... But can't?
Are all my feelings just supposed to sit in my gut?
And wait to just be words on a screen?

But I still have a life to live, right?
"Feel into it until you're ready to set it aside."
I think maybe when it doesn't hurt anymore,
I think that is when I'll be ready. 
But it's not for anyone to take my pain away.... 
It has to heal, obviously. I have to. 
For my betterment. For my future. For myself. 
So that I can become stronger. 
Doesn't overcoming pain do that?

Maybe it's time to start believing in magic, again. 
And looking for things to be happy about. 
It doesn't mean that I'll never be sad again, 
but I don't have to stay sad for the rest of my life.