Moment By Moment

I have to really work at forgiving myself. 
Because this guilt is sucking the life out of me. 
I can sleep for about 15 minutes before it sears me again. 

I'm not f*cking perfect. 
It's like people hate me for not being perfect, 
but they'd hate me just as much or more if I was. 

Been in my mental prison for a long time now. 
In one way or another. 
Trapped by my ego, by my triggers... 
Trapped by my fears and guilt. 

Kind of like when my son was little. 
When he felt he had done something wrong, 
he'd send himself to his room. 

Kind of like when you're in a jail cell
and the door is unlocked, and you can free yourself.... 
But you just stay in there.... 

That's what it's been like.... 
Trapped in my own head.... 
Thinking about the past over and over again. 
"I should have done this. 
I shouldn't have done that.
What should I have done instead of this or that?"

Why do I keep thinking about that?
Because I could have done something to make things better?
Did anything I tried to do make anything better?
Or was I only making everything worse?

Did anyone ever see the good in me, though?
Or did they only see me making things worse?
"What does it matter what they see, A***?
It matters what you see.
Do you see the good in others, A***?"
Yeah, I do see the good in others. 
But they have brought some things to my attention
that brought up my fears.... 
And I can't not unhear it or unknow it. 
And I feel like I have to do something about it
And what I tried to do about it wasn't the right thing. 
And now.... What can I do? 
And what can I really do when people have minds of their own?

Like when people were trying to help me, 
but I kept sabotaging myself
because that's all I knew how to do. 

And something came to light..... 
Our souls can be injured and so can our egos.
When our pride is hurt, it's a lot different. 

And when people think the worst of the world, 
they see the worst of the world. 
But we can't only see the best of the world
just because we want to see the best of the world. 
There has to be a balance. 

There is still good in the world. 
Even when there is a lot wrong with it. 

There is still some good in people.
Even when there are some things 'wrong' with them. 

Someone put it this way.... 
If you keep a hold of what is behind you, 
you can't grab a hold of what's ahead for you. 

He demonstrated it by physically holding something behind his back. 

The ego isn't all bad, but when we use it to sabotage ourselves.... 
We need it to have confidence, a healthy confidence. 
But when we use it improperly, it leads to arrogance etc. 

But it's good to know when our ego is wounded. 
Because those are different wounds. 
I'm thinking those are harder to heal
because the ego wants to act like its invincible
and that it never gets hurt, but it does. 

I've hurt some people's egos before. 
Just by standing up for myself and standing up for others. 
Or going against what they wanted me to do. 
Or not letting them have their way. 
Because letting them have their way
was giving them what they wanted. 
And it wasn't what I wanted. 

And when egos clash... They wound each other. 
I've had emotioal reactions, but that was my ego. 
But I didn't realize it at the time. 

The ego wants to protect us. 
Even when there isn't anything to protect us from. 

Like all my angry posts.... That was coming from my ego. 
And obviously, it isn't attractive. 
I didn't have to go there, but I did. Many times. 
I felt I had a lot to get out, 
but I didn't even have to go there. 
What was the point of it? To feel better?
To satisfy my ego, apparently. 
Because the heartbreak was my ego wounded. 
Like "I don't deserve this."
What is it about it that "I" "feel" like "I" don't deserve?
And is putting someone's @ss on blast going to do anything about it?

Someone pointed this out to me:
"Maybe complaining about it is the only thing you can control.
Because you can't control the person you're complaining about."

Been able to let it go, but it took a long time. 
Maybe felt a bit victimized like: "WHY did you DO THIS TO ME?!"
It's like us turning ourselves into the victim
doesn't make us wrong in any way. 
Because why would the victim be wrong?
Unless you aren't really a victim?

We can't get what isn't being offered. 
Does that make us a victim?
"How dare you not offer me what I wanted!"
But no, I wasn't seeing it that way. 
I was OFFENDED.
And I went on the offence. 
What is the point of getting offended
that what I wanted wasn't being offered?
That I was trying to give someone something that they didn't want?
Don't have to accept what is being offered. 
Don't have to offer someone something just because they want it. 
And nobody has to be offended by that. 
But I wasn't looking at it that way. I am now. 
Which makes it so much easier to get TF over. 
Had I seen it that way a long time ago, I'd have been over it
a long time ago.

I was too focused on what he was doing and how it was affecting me
and what he wasn't doing and how it affected me...
Instead of what I wasn't doing and how that was affecting me. 
And is still affecting me. 

The only reason why I was focused on his behavior
was because it was affecting me. 
But why was it affecting me so much?

Like yeah, we want to love a person as they are, 
but we want to be able to TRUST them. 
And it's like our love is conditonal on that trust. 

And I went about a lot of things the wrong ways. 
We can't look at everything from our wounds
and think we are seeing things in the right way. 

I can't break down someone's walls. Once they are up, they are up. 

"If you keep ordering sushi at an Italian restaurant, 
you're going to keep getting disappointed."
"You can't get what is not being offered."

We can't force people to heal their wounds. 
Or even show them how to if they don't want to. 
Like if all they know is pain... 
How are they going to cope without it?
How are they going to cope when they aren't a victim anymore?
All of a sudden their identity changes. 
How can they cope with that?

Like people who get easily offended.... 
Why do they get easily offended?
Why was I getting offended?
"You're an Italian resaurant! But you should sell sushi too!
Just because I want you to!" How dare you?!

And this anxiety thing.... 
Do I have to know what's going to happen moment by moment?
Just because there is peace in knowing?