Really F*cking Stupid

It has been hard, not going to lie.
Harder without trying to rely on anyone. 

Yeah, nice to have reliable people in my life....
To be able to rely on should I need to... 

But... I know what it's like to feel like someone relies on me too much. 
I've been there. It makes me want to run away. 

I had a neighbor who was relying on me too much. 
It really started to get to me, until it got to me. 
And I never talked to her about it. 
I just started avoiding her until she didn't like me anymore
and I felt bad about it. 
But I couldn't have her relying on me too much. 
Because my life wasn't all about her. 
And her life shouldn't be about me. 

So there was someone I was relying on too much. 
Now, I'm not sure that he wants to talk to me anymore. 
And that would be on me if he doesn't. 
For relying on him too much. 

And yes, I have to rely more on myself. 
Mostly on myself. And work on feeling strong enough
to depend solely on myself. 
Not to avoid repelling anyone with my 'fragility'
But to feel strong enough, finally. In all ways. 
Without relying on anyone to help me get there. 

But it's totally okay to aspire to be like
someone you aspire to be like. 
That feels better than relying on someone too much
or being relied on too much. 

And there are people who wanted me to rely on them. 
Even though they were not helping me in ways
that were helping me. 
It started becoming more about him helping me
than what was actually helpful for me. 

When what was helpful for me was just listening. 
And understanding, but he didn't understand. 

Although there were things he did tell me 
that did help me. 
It wasn't that he never helped me. 
It's that there are some things that aren't related to spirituality
and he made everything about spirituality
when he, himself, was using spirituality as a crutch.
Because he was so convinced about the things
that he's convinced of that he felt the need to convince me, too. 
Which wasn't helping me. 

Like the video I was watching the other day. 
The guy was saying that he was using the things he had been learning
as a crutch or an escape ramp in order to avoid dealing with the things
that he knew he had to deal with, but wasn't. 
He was using spirituality to escape from the things that he wasn't dealing with. 
And I had witnessed some things that were issues for me. 
That he was in denial about. 
But it was ALL about spirituality. 
And HE had all the answers.
If you have all the answers, why are you still in denial?
And why are you making everything about ME being in denial?

So that is why I need to deal with practical things FIRST. 

Another thing about fears being the cause of what we fear coming true... 
Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. 

The other day, I started watching some court case videos. 
I rarely watch those anymore. 
Some people's loved ones were killed
and it's not like they expected that. 
They had trusted that their loved ones would be safe. 
Were their loved ones the ones who were scared?
How does that work?

Like this couple who had two kids. 
Who they left with a nanny who killed them. 
And she wanted the mother to find them
and wanted to see her reaction
before her attempted suicide.

Obviously the couple trusted the nanny. 
Or did they have secret fears?

And one guy who moved from Australia to the U.S
to be with a woman he met online.... With her daughter...
Who ended up killing his daughter and chopping her up.... 
Did he have fears of it ending badly?
Even though he obviously didn't know
that she was going to kill her and chop her up?
If he had known, he would have stayed in Australia!

I had to force myself to stop being afraid
and had to force myself to realize that the things I was scared of
weren't happening and weren't going to happen
and I don't know why I was so scared. 

"Living in fear is no way to live."

But when we aren't scared when we had something to be scared of?
It's like catching ourselves unprepared.... 
At least in my mind. 
Do we take precautions that we think we should?
Just in case?

Like a woman who was creeped out by her neighbor
who ended up breaking into her apartment
when she was sleeping and killed her. 
She wanted to move, but didn't. 
Had she moved, maybe she'd still be alive.... 

And I don't usually watch that sort of stuff. 
Because it gets my mind going in a million directions... 

And I keep telling myself that the people who are leaving my life
are supposed to be leaving my life. 
Because nobody stays forever, anyway. 
They have to live their lives. 
If they don't want to help themselves, how can I help them?
Heart breaking? yeah. 
Just like when I wasn't ready to help myself.... 
There was very little anyone could do to help me.
Because I was keeping myself stuck in it. 
And although I appreciated them wanting to be there.... 
I was still keeping myself stuck. 

"If you keep taking steps backwards, you'll drag yourself down."
Yeah, I was doing that. Constantly. 
Where were my steps forward?
It got to a point that I wasn't taking any. 
Because I kept looking back
and trying to make things work that were not working. 
And no matter how many times I was trying. 
Were things going to work out?
When I was the only one trying?

Because I wasn't focusing on getting my own life straight?
Because I still wanted them in my life?
But they kept pulling me into their despair?
Even though I was in my own?

But "Remember who knows you best."
No matter how many times you want to explain yourself to someone.... 
WILL THEY F*CKING UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM?
NO? SO WHY SHOULD YOU KEEP TRYING TO TELL THEM?

And yes, I made the mistake of telling people I trusted
TOO MUCH ABOUT MYSELF.... 
THINGS THAT THEY COULD USE AGAINST ME
IF THEY CHOSE TO DO THAT TO ME....
SO WHY GIVE THEM THINGS TO USE AGAINST YOU?
JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK THEY WON'T?
REMEMBER THAT THEY COULD.

WHY DO YOU THINK I BLOG ANONYMOUSLY?
SO PEOPLE CAN'T USE MY DEEP THINGS AGAINST ME. 
But so what if they try to? 
Are they using it against me or against themselves?
Because they are showing that they can't be trusted.... 
But we don't have to give them anything in the first place. 
I kept making that mistake. 
I kept telling things about myself and about someone
who trusted me not to tell anyone certain things. 
And I was using that against myself. 
Because I showed myself as someone who couldn't be trusted. 
Even when I was trying to get help to help them.... 
I cannot live anyone's life for them. 
Just like I am the only one who can live my life. 

"When your soul is at peace, your mind is unmatched."
But when you are trying to help people
who's souls are not at peace... It doesn't help yours be at peace
unless your soul is at such peace
that it cannot be disturbed....

"Imagine how much peace you can bring to others
once you find it yourself..."

Things don't go the way we want them to go, all the time. 
Because we can't force them to go the way we want them to. 
Because everyone has a mind of their own
and thinks whatever they want to think. 
So how can we expect them to think the way that we do?

"Work, evolution, progress, and spiritual growth...."
"There's only so many times you can go into someone's darkness
before it wears on you."
So does my darkness not wear on anyone else? It does.

I've been taught in a lot of harsh ways that helping people
who refuse to help themselves isn't my job.
But it isn't anyone's job to help me if I'm not helping MYSELF. 
I recognize this. 

I need to go within ME. 
I can't bring people into themselves. 
THEY have to go inside themselves. 
THEY have to see things inside themselves. 
I can't drag anyone with me. Especially kicking and sceaming. 
Just like nobody can drag me with them. 
Especially not kicking and screaming... 

Like people can only point things out to me so many times. 
"Hey! I thought I already pointed this out to you!"
How many points can they make if I keep missing the points?
If I'm too f*cking slow to learn, why would they want to
keep trying to teach me the same things over and over again?
"Le Sigh!" "A***! Wake TF up!"

I heard this "If they were meant to be there, they'd already be there."
But doesn't mean that we can't get ourselves to a better place.... 
There are times I wanted to be in a better place
but I really didn't know how to get there, but I wasn't try to get there
so how can I get there when I wasn't even trying?
I can't expect anyone to drag me there kicking and screaming. 
To open me up and show me my internal world. 
To perform some emotional, psychological, whatever surgery on me. 
And to be my nurse while I recover from said surgery... 

Like yeah, these areas obviously need work
but there's work that I need to do for myself. 
Can't expect anyone to "do my homework for me."
Because how am I supposed to learn?
If I'm just trying to get all the answers
instead of finding them myself.... 

And if you ask someone for directions
who hasn't been where you want to go... 
Are they going to know how to get there?
You can only ask those who are where you want to go. 
But you can't ask them for directions every f*cking day. 
You have to let some things SINK IN. 
If it doesn't sink in.... It won't help you. 
I'm learning this. Because there are some things that were said
that I do have to take into consideration. I wasn't. 
I wasn't letting things SINK IN.
And maybe it would have HIT ME
had I let things SINK IN.
And I wasn't giving it time to SINK IN.
So it HIT ME like a ton of bricks when I did. 

It's obvious, especially this year, that as high as I want to climb.... 
I will keep climbing down and FALLING down
by trying to pull people up who don't want to be pulled up. 

"You can't keep lighting yourself on FIRE
just to try to keep others warm..."
Someone told me this. 
One of my good friends. 

"If they want to spiral down, you can't spiral with them."

If people refuse to see and realize things, 
how can what we see or realize help them?

Can we feel their feelings for them?
Can we think their thoughts for them?
Can we live their lives for them? No. 

And I have to remember this. 
Why do I forget these things?
Why do I forget that "It's not about you."
Not about what we want. 
I mean, it'd be cool if we got what we wanted. 
The way we wanted it.
Brought to us by someone else.... 
Because it's hard to f*cking do it ALONE. 
AND IT DOESN'T F*CKING FEEL TOO HOT. 
BUT WE CAN'T EXPECT ANYONE TO DO IT FOR US!!!!!!
EVEN THOUGH IT WOULD BE COOL 
IF SOMEONE WAS SO KIND TO DO IT FOR US.... 
LIKE THEY WANT US TO BE SO KIND TO DO IT FOR THEM.... 
WHEN WE F*CKING CAN'T EVEN IF WE WANTED TO!!!!

I have a lot of work to do that I wasn't doing. 
Because I didn't realize how important it was. 
Because I kept thinking that I had more time to do it. 
But if I keep putting it off, is it going to get done?
Is someone going to jump on my computer 
and do my work for me? Just do it all for me? Just for ME?
What makes ME think that I am so IMPORTANT TO THEM
for them to WANT TO DO THAT FOR ME?
SHOULDN'T I BE IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO MYSELF
TO WANT TO DO THAT FOR MYSELF?

 I've had people tell me that they don't care about themselves.... 
And who don't care about other people, either... 
Telling me that all they want is to be happy
but not wanting it enough to care about themselves.... 
And wondering why they aren't happy... 
But I've been there. I hard to learn to care about myself. 
Even when it is apparent that others don't care about me. 
That they would only TAKE anything I had to GIVE. 
And would they even give me the time of day?
And when I had nothing left to GIVE
they went to go TAKE from someone else.... 

I've had some of my good friends tell me:
"I'm only here to listen to all your problems.... "
And I felt that. 
I did need to talk about some things
to figure out what to do, 
but I kept going around in circles. 
So they couldn't help me while I kept doing that. 
And it got in the way of our friendship. 
To the point they were expecting to hear the same sh*t
for the 200th time.... 

Even though they love me and that's why they were listening. 
Because they knew I needed that, but I needed much more than that. 
"So A***, WTF are you going to do about that?"
"This is what I would do. Take it or leave it."
"If you keep doing this sh*t to yourself, I can't help you."

And it wasn't that I enjoyed suffering. I f*cking don't. 
I really don't f*cking enjoy it.
It wasn't necessarily that I was playing the victim, either. 
Even though there were times I was victimizing myself.
Without realizing it.... 
"So A***, are you going to keep yourself stuck here?"
"Stuck in sh*tty situations you can't control?"
And yes, I was the one who got myself into sh*tty situations. 
Because... I didn't want to f*cking LISTEN.
BECAUSE I WANTED WHAT I WANTED. 
AT MY OWN EXPENSE.... 

BECAUSE I WAS BEING F*CKING SELFISH.
AND STUPID. REALLY F*CKING STUPID.