SOLO ROLO - Rolled out

So Solo, eh? Not used to it. 
Isolated myself before, a few times, but not for long. 
It doesn't last long. I guess people are supposedly social creatures. 
I'd get anxiety and want to talk to someone
just to stop feeling anxious. 
Just about stupid stuff. 
Instead of talking myself out of my own thoughts.... 

But solo is important for me. 
So that I don't rely on anyone too much. 
Because I was doing that. 
Burned myself out of lots because of that. 

A major insecurity is being insecure. 
Not just about my body, but about myself. 
As a person. Being treated badly really sucked, 
but maybe I just reeked of insecurity or something.... 

If I was one of those girls who has everything going for her.... 
Maybe the guy would be trying to get with me
and talking to me because he wanted to
instead of me talking to the guy because I wanted to. 
Maybe we'd both want to talk to each other.... 

But.... It won't work like that as long as I'm like this. 
And it isn't that I'm desparate. I know what I have to do. 
"So A***, why aren't you doing it?"
"Why haven't you been?"
"Why have you been totally consumed?"
Because I want to fix everything in my life, 
but end up screwing things up in the process. 

I sabotage myself, too much. It's a problem. 
But I know how to rectify that. 
I know, but it's like I have to figure out how to do that. 
And this is my reason for going solo. 
And if that means solo for the rest of my life.... 
Well, I'd have to accept that. Won't I?

This anxiety thing, though.... 
Not sure what to do about it. 
But if I don't learn what to do about it.... 
It's just going to keep being a problem. 
That causes me problems.
But I cause myself problems. 
It's not just the anxiety, but the anxiety isn't helping me. 

It's a feeling. FEELING anxious. 
About things. That are not within my control. 
"So what are you going to do about it, A***?"

Emotional security is important and always has been. 
And has been an issue for me, for most of my life. 
Because I relied on certain things for a sense of security. 
Which wasn't working because those things I relied on
can't provide that. Provided a temporary fix. 
Until I needed another fix. 
Directly connected to the validation thing I was writing about the other day. 

I have to really figure out WHY it's been so important to me. 
WHY did I feel like I needed it?
From the people I thought I needed it from?

Maybe I've needed boosts to keep me afloat? Why?
Wasn't I getting enough of those?
Until it wasn't enough?
Until I needed some reassurance? Why?

Reassurance is a boost. 
It really f*cking is. 
But why haven't I learned to reassure myself?
I'm learning to sooth myself. 

I'm learning to step back and look at myself.... 
Because I have to. 
If I don't.... I'm not going to see why I f*cking sabotage myself. 

Someone asked me why I have to know why
in order to stop doing something. 
Which is a valid, honest question
that I couldn't give a good answer for.... 

It makes sense to me to figure out WHY I do things in the first place. 
Why is that?

What came to mind right now
was being in a scenario where someone's running for their life
and your instinct is to run with them
and you don't ask what you are running from, 
you just f*cking pick your @ss up AND RUN.....!!!
YOU DON'T ASK WHY. YOU JUST GO. 
YOU FIND OUT WHY LATER.

I was watching a gag video. Where a guy just says RUN!
And starts running and the people just run. 

One dude was pushing a friend in a whellchair and starts running, 
leaving his wheelchair buddy behind.... 

And they did this experiment where they wanted to see
if the dude would save his girlfriend. 

In the first one, it was a gag and there was no reason to run. 
The second one, it was an experiment
so there was no real danger. 
They just wanted to see how the guy would react. 
It was called "Bae or Bail." 
I like videos like that.

Those police interviews are interesting, I guess. 
There was this one I was watching...
This nurse who killed her patients... 
The detective was interviewing her
and she says that she might need to "pass gas"
He says that's fine... And she lets it rip. 
Right in front of him and he doesn't react. 
Like all suspects fart during the interrogation.... 
Someone time stamped it. Because it was like a 2+ hour interrogation. 
The comments about it.... 

Anyway.... I sometimes take breaks from tarot videos. 
But they have been helping me with the anxiety, 
strangely enough.... 

But my emotions have been getting me down
and getting to me. In all kinds of directions. 
I go from not feeling very much to feeling everything
very heavy, really fast... 
And as much as it overwhelms me, 
it overwhelms others. 
So I can't even talk to them when I'm in that space. 
I shouldn't. I have, but I shouldn't. 
Especially when I really need a boost. 
But why do I need a boost? 
Because I can't fill my own cup up?
Because I need someone to pour into me? Why?
Because I feel so low that I feel drained?
Because I don't feel like enough?
To do that for myself?

Why? Because I never have?
Because it was just easier to talk to a friend and get some help
to feel better? About myself?
And what happens when I have nobody left?
What happens when I have NO CHOICE
but to rely on myself?
What happens then? Am I at a loss?

So then, I have no choice but to learn
how to fill my own cup and help myself feel better. 
Without turning to my friends. For much of anything. 
Unless I really cannot f*cking cope, 
but that can't be all the time... 
Yeah, there are times I fall apart. 
I'm not as strong as I wish I was.... I'm not. 
Maybe I'll get there, one day, but I'm not there, yet. 
And it's okay not to be there, yet. 
It's okay to be vulnerable sometimes. 

When I was going through a pretty big transition, 
I was feeling pretty vulnerable. 
When I was quitting drinking. It wasn't about 
"just not drinking anymore."
It was about a lot of emotional stuff that kept coming up. 
That was really hard to deal with
because all I ever had to 'deal' with my feelings
was drinking.... That's it. 
Since I was 12 years old. 
So going to my friends to talk about things.... 
Is a step from drinking, 
but I can't just switch one crutch for another. 
Just makes people feel uncomfortable talking with me
because it's a lot of heavy sh*t
that doesn't f*cking feel good.... 

There are times I feel like: "Yeah, I'm okay."
Where I am doing okay. 
When I don't need as much help to feel decent about myself. 
Despite what I'm going through. 

But it is a lot of emotional instability stuff. 
It seems guys keep their feelings in more than chicks do. 
But.... It's not the best to keep your feelings in. 
I've f*cked myself over doing that. 
But I've f*cked myself over letting them out, too. 
So there's probably some happy medium
where I can talk about it sometimes
and not pretend like I'm okay when I'm not.

But not have to act like I'm not breaking on the inside when I am. 
But not to be all like "I'm broken! Pleeeeease FIX me!"
Because I want to just be myself. 
But I don't want to be too much. 
But I don't want to pretend I'm something that I'm not. 
If I don't have it all together, then I don't. 
If I'm not as strong as I'd like to be, then I'm not. 
Why do I have to pretend? 
To be something I'm not, yet?
Can't I just be really f*cking imperfect me?
In all my f*cking broken glory?

It takes someone pretty strong to accept a broken person. 
And to show them that they CAN be strong. 
But EVERYONE who ever walked away from me
because of my broken-ness.... Or 'fragility.' 
Don't get to see me at my strongest, at my best. 
I mean if you only want to see my at my strongest, at my best... 
Then what is the f*cking point?
I am a f*cking HUMAN WITH EMOTIONS. 

But EVERYONE WHO EVER WALKED AWAY FROM ME
SHOWED ME HOW TO BECOME STRONG WITHOUT THEM
BECAUSE THEY GAVE ME NO F*CKING CHOICE. 

I can f*cking pretend ALL F*CKING DAY LONG. 
What does that do? Make me better at PRETENDING?!
I AM A REAL GIRL!!!! 
If you're not cool with giving me a little bit of reasurance, 
even as a friend... Cool. 
It's cool if you're not cool with that. 
If our friendship isn't worth that to you. 
If I have to be something I'm not around you
Just so you can feel comfortable around me. 

Are we humans? WTF are we? Do we FEEL anything?
Do you think I really want to suffer?
With thinking
EVERYONE IS GOING TO TURN THEIR F*CKING BACK ON ME?
But it's for me to see how strong I am on my own, right?!
WITHOUT ANYONE'S HELP. 
WITHOUT THEM PROVIDING ANYTHING FOR ME. 
NO ADVICE, NO STRENGTH, NO REASSURANCE, NOTHING. 
Because there's so much I have to find within myself....

"Go within or go without." That's been an old one
that doesn't cross my mind as often as it should.... 

A bunch of them don't cross my mind as often as they should. 
Would probably do me good if they did, right?!
But when I am overwhelmed with my emotions, 
a lot of that doesn't cross my mind. 
Only thoughts relating to how I feel
about the stuff that's been on my mind... 
Stuff that's hard to get off my mind... 
F*ck! How would anyone deal with the sh*t
I've had to deal with?!
That's what I want to know. 
Because a bunch of people say that they would have done
EXACTLY what I did. 
And yet I feel like it was A MISTAKE
BECAUSE OF HOW IT WAS TAKEN.
AND SHOULD I HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING?!
JUST LET PEOPLE SINK BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO SWIM?
SHOULD I ALLOW THEM TO DROWN ME, TOO?

BUT I SEE IT! I CAN'T JUST EXPECT
ANYONE TO JUMP INTO MY WATERS AND JUST.... 
EXPECT THEM TO KEEP MY HEAD ABOVE WATER.... 
OKAY?! I GET IT!

I HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO SWIM UNDERWATER, 
AND ONLY COME UP FOR AIR. 
I CAN'T SUCK THE AIR OUT OF THEIR LUNGS.... 
F*CKING KISS OF DEATH... 

Nobody wants to be constantly doing CPR.
It gets exhausting. 
Even if it's worth saving someone's life. 
But if they can't breathe on their own.... 
Can someone act like a breathing machine?
Constantly try to breathe life into someone?
Who won't even try to breathe on their own?

And they are just too polite to say:
"A***, GO F*CK YOURSELF!"
EXCEPT WHEN THEY DO..... 
BUT THEY ARE THE SAME ONES WHO WOULDN'T
TAKE IT ALL THAT WELL IF I DID THAT TO THEM!
IF I WAS THE ONE WHO TREATED THEM LIKE THEY DID TO ME.... 
THEY DON'T LOOK AT THAT....
THEY DON'T SEE THAT. 
BUT "A***, GO F*CK YOURSELF!"
AND MAYBE I JUST MIGHT. 
I JUST MIGHT GO F*CK MYSELF.... 
AND WHEN THEY DO NEED MY HELP, 
I'LL BE LIKE: "I WENT AND F*CKED MYSELF,
JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO DO....
HOW ABOUT THAT NOW?!"

And yeah, a couple years ago.... I thought about it. 
I had some old feelings coming up, coming strong... 
DAGAR, SWORD IN MY HEART. 
DIDN'T IT F*CKING STING?!
DIDN'T I GET A FEW MORE, TOO?
SO DON'T TWIST IT IN THERE MORE. 
BY TELLING ME TO GO F*CK MYSELF.... 
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG I'VE HAD TO BE.... 
A LOT OF THINGS I WENT THROUGH
PROBABLY WOULD HAVE REALLY F*CKING HURT YOU, TOO. 

I'VE HAD TO BE BECAUSE I'VE HAD TO BE. 
SO EXCUSE ME IF I BREAK A LITTLE HERE AND THERE. 
F*CKING EXCUSE ME FOR THAT.....
FOR SHOWING YOU THAT I AM HUMAN
AND I DO HAVE SOME FEELINGS.....

Wouldn't I love to be happy ALL THE TIME?!
F*CK YEAH!!!!
LIVE A CHARMED LIFE.
FEEL ON TOP OF THE WORLD.... 
ALL THE F*CKING TIME.... 
AND JUST NOT WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING.... 
EVEN WHAT PEOPLE AROUND ME THINK OF ME FFS.
BECAUSE IF THEY DON'T F*CKING TELL ME....
HOW TF AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
AM I SUPPOSED TO READ THEIR MINDS?
AT LEAST I SPEAK MINE.... 
BUT I GUESS I SHOULD JUST KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.... 
BECAUSE F*CK SPEAKING MY MIND
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO HOW I FEEL.... 

Just come on here and blurt it all out.... 
Because it's a safe place, for the most part. 

I can understand though. 
I know a guy who broke up with his girfriend
because she got "too difficult."
She requires too much emotional support. From him. 
And as strong as a guy can be, maybe he's not strong enough
to carry a girl like her and himself... 

And I often think that about myself. 
That because I seem to need too much emotional support
from my friends. They get tired of being strong for me
because I haven't been able to get to a place
where I am strong enough to just be strong. 

Like "Why TF are you crying you crazy c*nt?!"
Well loss after loss after loss does that to crazy c*nts I guess.... 
Like WTF do you think? Like f*ck... 
Let's never f*cking cry again!!!! Ughhhhh.... *Le Sigh*

But I get it. When someone looks like they just want sympathy
all the time.... The gets to people. 
But there is a difference between seeking sympathy
and looking for HELP!!!!!!
AND IF YOU CAN'T SEE THE DIFFERENCE, THAT'S COOL. 
IT'S NOT MY JOB TO TEACH YOU WHAT THE DIFFERENCE IS!!!!

But I've had to be pretty f*cking strong this year. 
Strong enough to walk away
and strong enough to let others walk away. 
And to force myself into isolation......
I bet a LOT of people aren't strong enough
to go through a lot of hard sh*t on their own... 

They've had others to teach them things....
They've had help along the way... Somehow, at some time. 
Whether they admit it or not.... 
Unless they are straight up LONERS.... 
And even loners sometimes.... 

Like when I finally get really into the thick of it.... 
And when love shows up... Because it might, when I'm done with it.... 
I'll be in this conflicted mode. 
Where I'll be like: "But I got here on my own...."
"I wanted this 2 f*cking years ago...."
After spending like 4 f*cking years on my own..... 
And it has the audacity to show up NOW?!
Like WTF am I supposed to do with it? Take it or leave it?
Considering that people have a really hard time
ACCEPTING ME THE WAY I AM..... 
IT'D BE A REALLY HARD CHOICE. 
TAKE THE RISK AND RISK IT FALLING APART WHEN SH*T GETS REAL?
OR PASSING UP A CHANCE TO SEE IF IT COULD BE FOR REAL.... 
AND ALL THE OTHER TIMES.... 
WAS THAT FOR REAL?!
UNTIL SH*T GOT REAL?!?

IT'S LIKE LOVE IS DAMNED IF YOU DO, 
BUT DAMNED IF YOU DON'T. 
LIKE CUT YOURSELF BOTH WAYS WITH THE DOUBLE EDGED SWORD. 

AND THAT IS WHY "IT'D ONLY BE A ONE TIME THING!"
THAT'S WHY I GET THAT OR F*CK ALL.... 
Or "A*** GO F*CK YOURSELF!"
THAT'S F*CKING WHY.....

BECAUSE SH*T GETS REAL. FFS.
YES, IT F*CKING DOES.