Less Scared

I have to stop dwelling on everything that hasn't been working out. 
I've been having waves of fear. 
"Do you want things to work out so you can stop being scared?"
Someone asked me that. 

What would it even look like to me?
To have things work out?
For people to come to their senses?
And see how they contributed?
That it WASN'T JUST ME.... 
THAT I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE WHO FAILED....

I was thinking about this earlier. 
How others failed me, too. 
It wasn't just me failing others. They failed me, too. 

What would my life have been like
if I had the support and guidance I needed in my life?

Someone told me:
"Your life would be very different today, 
had it been different then."

And I regret the times I didn't care enough. 
When I should have cared. 
But I was being f*ckig selfish.
And I wasn't the only one being selfish, 
but I can admit it. Who else can?
Who can see the error of THEIR ways?
What can they see with their EGO in the way?
They can only see what they are willing to see. 
They want to blame each other and blame me, 
but it's like I'm the only one who's taking my own blame
for the things that are my fault. 
Because I'm not refusing to take the blame anymore. 
It was easier to put the blame on others,
but they do have some things that they are responsible for. 
That they refuse to take responsibility for. 
That I can't make them take responsibility for. 
They have to want to and they don't. 
They'd rather take the easy way out because it's easy
but it made a lot of things really f*cking hard. 
For me and for themselves, but they still would rather take
the easy way out by not ever taking responsibility
for not being involved or letting me be involved. 
Letting me do what I needed to do. 
So I had to drop it because I had no choice. 
Because I couldn't force my involvement. 
And yes, there are times I did f*ck up. 
But they are holding those above my head
and not seeing the good I could have done
had I been allowed to do it. 

But I kept getting: "What do you want me to do about it?"
When I asked for help in the past.
When I needed it the most. 
Did they think I was asking for help to ask for help?

And there was always some reason why I couldn't help out.
With things I could have helped out with.

And are things beyond repair now?
I keep praying for a miracle. 

"It will only happen if you believe it will."

Will everyone open their eyes, finally?
That would be miraculous. 

I know people want to just go to sleep
and they'd rather go to sleep than deal with their problems. 
And when they are used to just going to sleep, 
that's what they do. I did it. I regret it. 

I missed so many f*cking chances!!!!
I'm so f*cking mad at myself for that. 
That I couldn't f*cking see.... 
Can I do anything about that other than be mad at myself?
I even had a spirit or something speak in my ear.
"Wake up!" and it should have been enough to wake me up. 
I woke up, but I went back to sleep after that.... 
I should have listened.... But I didn't. 

F*ck! I want to change the past so bad.... 
Because it affected my future. 
I can't go back to the past and fix it, though. 

There's so many things I would do differently. So many!
But I can't. Looking back on it all is like torture. 
"This is your HELL, A***, seeing all the ways and times
that you f*cked up and not being able to do anything about it."

"Why are you being so hard on yourself?
Don't you know there are people who f*cked up worse than you?"
Even then.... My worst was bad enough.... 
I can't say I was a saint or perfect.... 
I f*cking FAILED.
"But did you learn?" Yes.

Just the self loathing stuff has been pretty strong. Lately. 
Since I can see where I was f*cking up. 
And where I wasn't taking responsibility. 
All because I was depressed? That's no excuse. 
Because knowing how bad I f*cked up is pretty depressing. 
I've been pretty f*cking neglectful. 
And I hate that I was. Because I was being selfish. 
And I wouldn't admit to it. 
Now I can admit to it, even though it brings SHAME.
I sabotaged myself so much! Too much!
Like I didn't deserve the blessings that I had. 
Because I couldn't see them for the blessings that they were. 

Had a conversation about fear today. 
I had some fears that they didn't really want to talk to me anymore. 
And they told me that if he has to talk to me constantly
to make me feel secure, then he probably doesn't want to talk to me. 

Yes, it is selfish of me to want to have ONE person
who I can talk to who will still actually want to talk to me. 
Despite everything I'm going through. 

But just because I want to have a "rock"
doesn't mean anyone has to be my "rock." I get it. 

And the anxiety does turn to fear. 
And my fears can come true. I know this. 
But knowing this hasn't made me less scared. 
"It's not up to any "it"" Knowing isn't going to be enough
if I don't use what I know. To work for me. Not against me. 

It wasn't like I was scared my father was going to kill himself. 
He did, didn't he?

A lot of things I wasn't scared of ended up happening. 
But a lot of things I was scared of ended up happening. 
So preparing for the worst to happen is expecting the worst to happen. 
But if you're not prepared, doesn't it hit you harder than anything?
Do do you prepare? Or just let it steam roll you?

Someone told me that he took the word IF out of his vocab. 
He was trying to explain to me why, but it wasn't making a lot of sense. 
At least the way he was explaining it didn't, at the time. 

Some words are pretty powerful. 
And things we waited too long to say... 
And things we never got to say.... 

If you're scared it's too late, then it's probably too late. 
Unless it actually is whether you're scared it is or not.... 

It's nobody's job to make me feel secure, though. I know this. 
Yes, it's nice to have a little boost here and there. 
But nobody's job to boost me. My job. 

But.... Some people who have been so scared they were dying that they died. 
It's called psycho-somatic death. 
Like people are so scared that they were sick that they got sick. 
I know better than to get my fears up to that level.... 
But a lot of my fears and worries have been f*cking me over
and I've been f*cking myself over by letting myself
be scared and worried. 

But.... It'd just be nice to be told what people think of me. 
So that I'm not worried that they think the worst of me. 
But... The more I worry that they think the worst of me... 
The more they think the worst of me.... 
Does it matter? Who doesn't want to talk to me?
Or why they don't want to talk to me?
Do I "need" anyone to be my "rock"?
Especially if they don't want to be?

It'd be cool to have a loyal friend, though. 
Considering that I have very few loyal friends. 
And I feel like I'm just going to be alone, anyway. 

Does being scared that I'll never have a "rock"
mean that I'll never have one?
Or scared I'll never be loved mean that I never will be?

And yeah, I'd love to be so strong, without anyone. 
Without ANYONE. To be so secure within myself
that I just don't 'need' anyone. 
Because I am okay without anyone. Better than okay. 
Have I been insecure in the past? Yeah. 
Because I felt I needed validation. 
And the less validation I got, the more insecure I felt. 
And the more validation I sought. 
But the more I sought, the less I got. 
So it became this vicious cycle that I wasn't seeing that I was in. 
But I was in that. For a long time. 
Still been trying to get out of it. 

Why does validation make me feel secure?
Why have I had a hard time validating myself?

Is it because I'm worried that I am worse than I really am?
Because I am worried of what people will think
about all of my ineptness? Ineptitude?
My ineptitude has affected others. 

My worries that I wouldn't be able to be xyz to anyone.... 
Hasn't helped me be anything to anyone.... 

Sometimes my feelings of not being good enough
to actually contribute in this world.... 
Makes me wonder why I'm still in it... 

Sometimes I think that is just me feeling sorry for myself
For feeling not good enough. 
Because I've been treated like I wasn't. 

And people just stop talking to me
because it's 'not their job' to help me. 

It's good to feel needed, but not too needed. 
Or wanted, but not too wanted. I get it. 

Like it's good to feel like you have someone in your life, 
but it's not a good feeling for them to feel like
you have them just to have them. Been there. 
That's why I want to know what people actually think of me. 
That they aren't thinking the worst of me. 

But at the same time, worrying that people didn't want to talk to me
didn't make them want to talk to me. 
Even when a bit of reassurance can do wonders. 
But is it anyone's job to reassure me?
Is it anyone's job to help me feel good enough? As a person? No.

But have I been careful about what I said? No. 

I guess one of my biggest fears was being judged and I'm judged constantly. 
Whether or not it scares me or not. 

Another is that I'm just not going to be good enough. 
No matter how hard I try. 
And it has come true. 

So it's like why keep trying? To be seen? To be heard?
To feel anything? To do anything?
And this is how I've failed. 

Why am I scared of these things?

Anyway.... I really feel the need to re-evalute my entire life. 
Ad much as I am ashamed at how I've lived it,
how I've impacted people around me, 
can I turn it around? 

F*ck, why has everything been such a f*cking struggle
and seemed f*cking effortless to others?

Like why should someone address my concerns with me
Just to make ME feel better about having MY concerns addressed?

Just there's been a lot of stuff like that
when people aren't f*cking obligated to make ME feel better.
Or make me feel secure. 
Even to help me to help myself feel secure.... 

There are people with really good parents
who don't know how lucky they are
to be set up for success early. 

But there are people who haven't had good upbringings
who have had to set themselves up for success. 
To beat the odds. It can happen. 

At the same time, what doesn't get addressed
doesn't get addressed. 

Do I literally have to lose everything and everyone to find myself again?
Because people don't want to talk to me constantly?
Because they know more than I do
but it's not their 'job' to tell me things
that I 'should' already know?
And had I known a long time ago, I'd be a different person?

But it's like how am I supposed to know some things
if nobody tells me?
Or is waiting for someone to tell me just an excuse
for not having figured it out on my own?
Did they need people to tell them everything they know?
If not, why do I?
Shouldn't I know some things instinctively?
Even independantly of others?
It's not their job to dump all their wisdom into me. 
And be all like "I did my job, now go do yours."
Isn't that for those who actually had an obligation to me?
Who found it easier not to teach me f*ck all?
Not even really basic sh*t?

So is it some stranger's obligation? Over the internet?
To make sure I know all the basics? No. 
And I know this. 

Like it's nice to feel needed, but not too needed. 
And it doesn't actually make me feel good
to feel like I need anyone. 
So I try to avoid leaning on anyone. 
But when I do feel like I do need them.... 
I can't tell them without them thinking I need them
for the sake of needing them. If that makes sense. 
Then they seem to tend to think I need them for the wrong reasons. 

It's like I can't express my concerns to anyone
Or get their advice, or their thoughts on things
without them getting tired of me. 
Like "Here we go again...."
"I have better things to do than talk to A***
about her stupid irrational fears or whatever...."
Which they probably do. 
So why should I take any of their time?
Why should they want to waste it on me?

But are my fears that I'm wasting their time
make them feel like they are wasting their time?

Wouldn't it be cool if I was only worried about good things happening?
So that good things would happen?

I'm so worried that I'll have so much money
that I won't know what to do with it!

I'm so worried that everything I used to worry about won't happen!

I'm so worried that everyone will want to be there for me!
I'm so worried that my life will change for the better!
I'm so worried that the guy I like actually does like me back... 
I'm so worried that I'll be out of debt!
I'm so worried that I'll learn and grow without the help of anyone!
I'm so worried that the people who took me for granted
will actually start appreciating me!
I'm so worried that really ignorant people
will start realizing things!
I'm so f*cking worried about these things
that I'm scared that they will happen!
I better tell someone how worried I am!
I better fufill these prophecies myself!

I'm so worried that people who always saw everything wrong with me
will actually see what's right with me! OMFG! The horror of that!
Including myself! OMFG!
I'm so scared of that happening that I can't eat or sleep!
I hope that NEVER happens.... *Panic!*
I'm so worried that I AM good enough!
What will happen when these worries come true?
F*ck! I'm just a basketcase! I can't think straight!
I'm so worried about my life coming together!
What will I do?! Can anyone help me?
F*ck! WHAT. WILL. I. DO?!
IF I AM ACTUALLY GOOD ENOUGH?
IF I'VE BEEN GOOD ENOUGH ALL ALONG?

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE ALL THESE GOOD THINGS
COMING MY WAY BECAUSE I'M SO WORRIED ABOUT THEM!

I'M SO WORRIED THAT I'M GOING TO START HAVING FAITH IN MYSELF. 
AND THAT OTHERS ARE GOING TO START HAVING FAITH IN ME... 
THAT THEY SEE THAT THE THINGS I HAVE DONE FOR THEM
(FOR THE MOST PART) HAVE BEEN OUT OF LOVE. 

I'M SO WORRIED THAT I'M SCARED!!!!
WON'T SOMEONE HELP ME FEEL LESS SCARED?!