Deeper

There are times I've wanted to go deeper and have needed to. 
I keep thinking that the wounds are pretty deep. 
Bullet's don't always stay on the surface. 
Sometimes it can cause more damage to remove it
so they need to leave it in. 

I've considered therapy. 
Would probably be beneficial. 

So hard to let go of the past. I don't know why. 
But it's gotten to a point where I've been whipping myself. 
For being who I was and for doing what I did. 
For making those stupid choices that weren't good. 

The only reason I did what I did was I wanted to feel better about myself, 
but I ended up feeling worse. Way worse. 
"You are not your past." Someone told me. 
No, I'm not. I don't have to beat myself over and over
with the guilt of mistakes I made and bad choices I made. 
Something I wouldn't do again. 
And shouldn't have done in the first place. 
Some people do similiar things and think nothing of it. 
So why am I feeling such deep regret over it?

"Sometimes we just need some help with some things."
Like letting go. It's okay to let go of the past.
Why is it so hard? Am I scared?
That I'll somehow repeat the past?
What is it that makes it so hard to do?
If I can figure out what the reason is, 
I can figure out how to overcome it. 
How can you climb a mountain that you can't identify?

Kind of like how you have to "name them to tame them"
when it comes to emotions.... But I didn't stay long enough to work that out. 
I was feeling better and kept forgetting and missing appointments. 
I still need to do the work and have to do a lot of it on my own. 

"Are you willing to feel something else?"
Like something other than guilt and regret?

How would I feel if people forgave me, for everything?
How would I feel if I finally forgave myself, for everything?

Maybe the letting go is a LOSS for me. 
Even when it isn't exactly a loss. Depending on what it is. 
Letting go means I don't have a hold of it. 
Not having a hold of it might mean that 'it's not in my hands.'
But just because I think 'it's in my hands'
doesn't mean that it's within my control. 
So can't I let it go?

How would the past be in my control?
Can I do anything about it? No.

"Allow things to leave that need to leave."
"Allow people to leave who want to leave."
"It's not what you would have chosen, but their choice."

Left or Right? Past or Future. Time to choose, A***.
Can I just become okay with letting go?
Why doesn't it feel like it's okay to do it? It is. 

It kind of feels like mourning and grieving. 
Knowing that I'm not the same person I used to be. 
I thought I was over this feeling when it stopped
when I finally got comfortable with being sober. 
Changes don't have to feel good. They don't usually. 
Even when it's a good change. 
It feels better eventually. 
I don't miss drinking anymore or who I used to be. 
I don't miss smoking cigarettes, either. 

I miss people who were a part of my life, though. 
People who I love. 
But I have to let them go, too. 
No matter how I feel about it. 

I feel the losses and want to do something about it, 
but there isn't anything I can do about it. 
Which might actually make me want to do something about it
even more.... 

I was able to let some things go. 
But letting people go is just important
as being able to let some things go. 
I can't force anyone to stay in my life
just because I want them to stay in my life. 
No matter how long they have been in my life. 
No matter how they got in my life. 
No matter how much they mean to me. 

I have to mean something to myself. 
Enough to stop torturing myself with PAIN.
Over and over again... Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

When we hold on and when we let go... 
We get to see what happens. 

And there are certain feelings that come up
when I am having a hard time accepting something. 

Like say a love interest starts a new relationship.... 
I want to be happy for them, I really do. 
But I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. 
And I have to let it just go away. 
I have to accept that they didn't choose me. 
That they are happy with someone else. 
It doesn't feel good for me, 
but it feels good for them
and I want them to be happy. 

And the love I was reserving for them... 
Kind of gets stuck with the feeling in the pit of my stomach.
And it goes away eventually, 
but doesn't feel the greatest. 

So many changes don't feel good. 
Even when they are for the best. 
It's for the best that they are with someone
who they can be happy with. 
Even if it's not me. 
All I want is to be told and not strung along. 
Because that isn't cool. 
Like "I'll keep you on ice in case this doesn't work out...." No thanks. 
May as well tell me and let me go. 
Don't keep me holding on if you want someone else. 
Tell me you're with someone else. Simple. 
To me, it's a curtesy thing. 
Like tell me that you have a girlfriend, or a lover, 
or whatever TF it is. Whoever TF she is to you. 
Just let me know and let me go. 
Even if it doesn't feel good for me. 
I'd rather know the truth. 

Anyway, that's just how I am. 

It's that there are chances that come up here and there... 
When they do, I'm hesistant to take those chances
because either I'm already reserving myself
or... It's not the right time for me. 

And I have a hard time with casual flings
even though that seems to be the only offers I get. 
Like "There's plenty of me to go around.
I'm not going to get tied down with you."
May as well say: "I don't see anything serious or real with you."
"Cool, thanks for telling me. 
Hope you find what you're looking for."
(And I hope that I do, too.)
But I've had to stop looking and let go of the idea of love. 
Not that I don't believe in it. I do. 
I've seen lots of happy couples.
I know an older couple who helps me believe in love. 
It helps to believe in it, even when I'm not ready for it. 

I still get sad. Because I still would love to be in love, 
but I can't do it right now. 
I had to stop talking to a guy I was interested in. 
Because I told him that if he changes his mind about talking to me, 
that I'll understand. 
So he said that if he has to talk to me constantly
just to make me feel secure,
that he probably doesn't want to talk to me anymore. 

Yes, I've been feeling insecure. 
Especially when it came to him....
But I didn't need constant communication to feel secure. 
I did enjoy hearing from him. 
I did feel a certain way when I did. 
But... If he feels like he 'has to' talk to me 'constantly...'

And I don't know why I'm worried about what people think. 
About me... 
Why certain people tend to bring out the insecurities 
even more than most people do.... 
Because I'm impressed and don't feel impressive?
Anything but impressive?
Because I admire them and I don't feel admirable?
Because they are everything that I wish I could be?
Oh so wise and wonderful?

Maybe because I want to be told what people think about me
so that I know. Not to make me feel secure, just to know. 
Is there anything wrong with wanting to be told?
"Hey, what do you think of me?
I can't read your mind and I wanna know."

But maybe the way I said it in the wrong way. 

Maybe I just wanted to know if someone actually cares. 
Maybe they wouldn't have been talking to me if they didn't. 
Unless they felt they 'had to.' I don't know. 
Been feeling like that a lot. 
Like people were just holding onto me just to hold on.
I often feel like I'm not 'needed' 
and more than often not 'wanted'
And feeling like that doesn't add to the security factor, 
but it's not anyone's job to make me feel needed or wanted. 
I have to feel good about myself, have some confidence.... 

Maybe I'd have more confidence if things weren't blowing up in my face, 
but maybe things wouldn't be blowing up in my face if I had confidence. 
And my confidence shouldn't be coming from those:
"You're doing a good job."
"You turn me on."
"I like you, too."
"I like talking to you, too."

So I still like the guy. But I don't want to rely on him. 
Or on anyone for a sense of security, 
a sense of normalcy, a sense of anything. 

Sure, there are things I need to learn. 
Sure, some people may be willing to teach me. 
Often, I feel f*cking stupid. 
For not knowing a lot of things
that shouldn't be f*cking rocket science. 
And looking stupid doesn't make me seem attractive, either. 
But why do I want to seem attractive? 
Because I'm attracted? So TF what?!
Why do I want anything?
Most of what I wanted blew up in my face
because I lit the f*cking match. Okay?
So why should I want anything?
I don't want to ruin good things. 

And I don't want to take someone's time
if they aren't getting anything from me. 
Just more frustrated. Dumbfounded. 
Like: "How could she be this f*cking stupid?!"
"She's seriously this f*cking stupid?!
Why TF would I want THAT?!"

And if it's even a thought... It's a one time thing. 
But what else could it be? If anything....

"You're so f*cked, you don't know how f*cked you are."
I'm sure it has crossed more than just that guy's mind. 
He was the only one who had the ball to say it, 
but not the balls to go look in the mirror....

Because... I feel like... When I am in a good place in my life. 
I could probably have something real, one day.
Because as stupid as I am, I'm not as stupid as some people are.
As f*cked as I am, I'm not as f*cked as some people are. 
I do have love to give. 
I could be loved, one day. 
Just not anytime soon. And I am okay with that. 

I should have listened to someone who was trying to help me
a long time ago.... Who had advised me
to be intentionally single. For as long as it took. 
To just feel good about me. For me. 
But I didn't listen. I opened up my heart and wanted to give it to someone
who didn't want it. Or who didn't know what he wanted. 
Or whatever reason he had me on ice like that.... 
"Tryna keep it fresh...." Wasn't cool. 

Why did I want to give my heart to anyone?
For them to give me theirs?
Welp, that didn't f*cking work, A***.
I don't know why you thought it would. 
Or why you thought it worked that way....
Because it f*cking doesn't.... 
"Is she seriously that stupid?!"

So now, when someone comes in and they try to give me theirs.... 
I'll be like... "I don't know wtf to do! Do I even want this?"
Just like guys have done to me... 
"Do I even want this?"
"Maybe for a couple days." Maybe.

And I'm not going to be that girl anymore
who's going to wait for someday when someday might not come
and "always left standing when it comes time to dance."

I'll still dance at YOUR wedding. By myself.

But maybe I don't even know if I want to get married anymore. 
It used to be a longheld dream of mine. 
I was 'engaged' twice. 
But it wasn't to be. 
I'd be too busy trying to 'make my marriage work'
than getting to the deep seated issues within myself
that would probably cause it to blow up in my face. 
But not everything is entirely my fault. 
It takes TWO to make things work. 
TWO to work together and to work on themselves. 'Constantly.'

So yeah, I'll be happy for those happy couples. 
While I decide what I want. 
The intimacy is nice, but.... I need true intimacy. 
Which is more than just sex. 
More than falling asleep in each other's arms. 
More than physical touch. 
Like touch my heart. Touch my soul. 
But I'm broken right now, so don't touch me. 
Sure, it's touching to know
that someone wants to, though. I guess.