Had I Known

I've seen some things about myself this year. 
The ways I've been sabotaging myself. 
Something I need to work on. 
My reactions vs responses. 
I guess I've only known how to react. 
And obviously how to overreact. 

"Until you know how to help, 
you have to assume that what you try to do
will only make things worse."
That's what a friend told me. 

Had I had that foresight, I wouldn't have made things worse, but I did. 
Now I have to let it be. However it will turn out. 
If that means that my son no longer wants me in his life, 
then I have to accept that. 
He reacted to the situation and to me, too. 

I can't blame him because he's still young and has lots to learn. 
Things that I wish I could teach him and show him, 
but I also have a lot to be taught and shown, too. 
The things I still have to learn are things I can't teach him
until I learn those things, and even then.... 
If he doesn't want me in his life, how can I teach him those things?
Who will teach him? Will he learn?

I keep thinking about the future, and getting anxiety. 
And the anxiety turns to fear, 
but I don't have to assume the absolute worst. 

Despite the sh*t I went through, I still turned out okay. 
I could have turned out better.... 
But I've had people ask me:
"With everything you went through, how are you the way you are?"
I have had positive influences in my life. 
I can hope that my son does, too. 

I know that he hasn't had the best influences in his life. 
And he hasn't had the help with coping with things. 
If I would have known about a lot of it, earlier, 
I would have gotten him some help. 

Around that time, the school was bullying me, too. 
And I didn't have the support I needed, either. 

Being an alcoholic really wasn't helping. 
I didn't have the awareness to know I had an issue. 
The depression was pretty bad, but still no excuse. 
That is where I was at, at that time. 

I have to try to forgive myself and that's one of the hardest things. 
It's easier to forgive others than to forgive myself. 

All I can do, right now, is to try to forgive myself 
when it comes to my past. How I was, who I was. 
All the things I didn't know. That had I known.... 
Would have changed my life. 

I can only change my life from where I am, today. 
That is all that I can do. 

I keep looking back on all the would have, could have, should haves. 
When there is nothing that I can do about the past....
Why do I keep looking at all my regrets?
How is that helping me?
There must be some reason why I keep doing that?
Because of the shame? Because I have nobody to blame, but myself?
Because I failed? Because I feel bad about how things turned out?
How is this getting me anywhere?
Yes, we can learn from our past. But that's about all that it's good for. 
Because we can't go back and fix or change anything about it. 

That's why we have to try to get things right the first time. 
Because that's the only time we have to get it right. 

Yes, there are second chances etc.... 
How often do we get those?
How many chances do we get until we don't get any more?
How many chances do we give ourselves?

Is there a chance that I can redeem myself?
Is there a chance that I can turn my life around?
Is there a chance that I can be a better person?
A good person? A decent person?
A respectable person?

Anyway, I was waching a bunch of videos today. 
I stumbled up on a series that has been pretty good. 

The videos are a guy talking about certain topics. 
He was saying that he was using spirituality as a distraction
from doing the real inner work on himself
because he wasn't addressing the issues that he had. 
Anxiety, depression, etc. 

Anxiety has been a hard thing for me to figure out. 
I can't really remember when it started, but it started getting bad. 
It started getting worse and worse without me realizing it. 
I only saw that it was getting worse
because the symptoms were getting worse. 
Getting jolted awake etc. That never used to happen to me. 

I have used a lot of things, over the years, to distract myself
from dealing with my issues. 
Mostly because I don't know how to deal with a lot of it. 
And if I don't know how to deal with mine, 
I can't really expect anyone to know how to deal with theirs. 

But yes, I did distract myself a lot. With alcohol and drugs. 
With my attempts at dating and similar things, 
but none of those things were supposed to 'make' me happy. 
Happiness is an inside job. 
Been disturbed a lot this year and last year. 
Been pretty shook. Stuff I can't really talk about. 
I've only told a couple of people. 
Just some of the things, not everything. 

I don't know if I'll ever get everything out. 
It's pretty disturbing and it was hard for me to hear it. 
It would be pretty hard for anyone else to hear it. 
Especially for people who know me. 
And I don't want them to be thinking about it over and over
like I have been. I try not to think about it. 
But everything I do is to like distract me from that. 

It's an issue I need to deal with, but I really don't know how. 
It's hard to even tell anyone about some of this stuff. 

And I just wanted to live a normal life. 
But this stuff isn't normal. I've been struggling with it. 
I really just want to break free. 
My friends tell me that I have my own life to live, 
but it's not as easy as just "go live your life."

So as "fun" as flirting is... It feels like a distraction, too. 
Which makes it harder to actually enjoy. 
And as harmless as it is, I know that it's only flirting. 
Anything else would be a distraction, too. 
Which is why I shouldn't have taken things so badly
when they didn't work out. 
I guess I wish things had ended on a better note. 
But I guess things had to end the way that they did. 
And I guess I felt a certain way about all of it. 
But in comparison, it was nothing. 
I can deal with that. This.... Is something else. 
And I don't know how to deal with this. At all. 
I don't think many people do. 

And I can't really talk about this stuff. 
A friend tells me not to dwell on it. I shouldn't. 
But I can't just like sweep this under the rug. 
Pretending like it isn't a big deal
is like living a lie. 
As far as I know, nothing bad has happened, 
but this stuff really isn't healthy. 

I keep trying to tell myself that it's okay. 
Someone I told some of it to.... Isn't talking to me now. 
And I told him because I trust him. 
But this is disturbing stuff. 
And he probably just thinks I'm crazy. 
And doesn't look at me the way he used to....
Which is a risk I took. 
But it's like if I didn't tell him
and just tried to act like things were okay... 
It was like I was lying to him or something. 

Anyway, it's like all I can do is do some inner work. 
Or try to... Needed it for a long time. 
I can't just keep putting it off like I had been. 
I put too much off. Look what happened... 
I'm having a hard time letting go. I really am. 
I'm supposed to be moving on. 
Clinging on isn't f*cking helping. 

I've considered spirituality, I just can't go there
when I'm still struggling with practical things. 

But.... These issues. 
I feel like even if I wanted to love, it doesn't feel safe to do that. 
And I don't want it to be a distraction for me. 
It would be a nice distraction... 
Or so I thought the last time I was 'in love'
while the whole time he was 'in love' with someone else....
I was too in my head over it. It was f*cked up. 
Had never been like that before....

And I'm at a place where I was before, 
where I don't feel a lot of anything.
Except fear and anaxiety, and sadness. 
I'm not sad about being single
or whatever TF that was not working out. 
I'm sad about my past. And about the present.
Sad that I can't do anything about it.
About certain situations. 

"Why are you focussing on what you can't do?"
Because I still want to do something about it!
But I'm not using that as an excuse. 

But I have to pull myself out of this!
I can't stay stuck in this!

But I cannot and will not run into someone's arms. 
Just because being held would be nice... 
Just because being treated nice would be nice.... 

Even if he could love me for me.... 
I have to love me for me.... 

Protecting myself from being hurt is keeping me out. 
Keeping love out... And I'm okay with that because I'm safe. 

And others are running from things in themselves
and in their pasts, too. 

If others are going to run to someone, they can. I can't. 
I can't even allow myself to feel anything. 
I was. I did. Where does that ever get me?
"Thanks for telling me, A***."
Because there is no way that they would feel anything for me. 
Why did I let myself feel anything for anyone, ever?
Just so I could end up exactly where I am now?

But I did have some good memories. 
I did try. It wasn't my best, though. 
Because I was young and stupid. 
And somehow I thought I'd have more time. I didn't. 

But anyway, I can't keep looking back. 
Even the good memories are making me feel sad. 
Because I miss the good times. 
Yes, I would like to have new memories
and make new memories.... 

And I get that there are people want to hurt me
because I hurt them... And I didn't mean to do it. 
And I shouldn't have done it. 
I was really f*cking suffering. 
And that was so much more to do with how I felt
than with them.... How I was feeling. No excuse. 
But it's like I paid Karma a bunch of times over. 
And it's like I'm paying Karma until the day I f*cking die. 
For all the sh*tty things I did. 
Even though I tried to make things right. 
But the only way to have made things right
was never to have f*cked up in the first place. 
I f*cked up because I was f*cked up, but no excuse. 

"Be opened to it." Someone told me. 
Be opened to what? More pain? Can I take any more?
While I'm trying to heal from so much pain?
Like people have been trying to make me pay and pay and pay. 
For all of my mistakes. For as long as it takes.... 
Until my heart completely breaks.... 
So tell me again how I should be open to it.... 
Open to f*cking up all over again?

Sometimes I really wish I hadn't been dating. 
Over the last 10 years. Just stayed single. 
Worked on myself. Showed my son I was dealing with stuff. 
Helped him deal with his things, too. 
How can I help him now?
But I was too busy trying to date?
Trying to feel good about myself?
Trying to feel wanted?

And it's like my fault that my son felt he wasn't wanted.... 
He always was.... He just never believed that. 
And all the bullsh*t everyone filled his head with.... 
About me. About himself... 
That wasn't my fault. But it f*cking feels like it is. 

So I regret a lot of that. 
I regret f*cking up when I actually had love. 

Even though I am healing from some things... 
There are some things... I'm just.... I'm f*cked up. 

I know that not everyone will be like the people I knew. 
Or treat me the way I was treated. 
But I have to treat myself better. 
Because that's what I need from me. 

"How they treated you is on them."
I know this... But.... I still feel it. 

"You're not crazy for wanting to be treated better!"
No I'm not, so why did I ever f*cking feel like I was for wanting that?

But Why TF do I want anything anymore?
Can't I want what others want? But why do I want anything?
Does any of that even matter anymore? I used to think it did. 
I used to just want to be happy. 
But why did I think any of that would make me happy?
Did it? For a time, maybe. But I'm not even that person anymore. 
I wish I could say I feel like a different person
and feel good about it. 
But I feel changed in other ways.... 
Like I haven't been myself in a few years..... 
Maybe even longer than that... 

If I was ready for it.... 
It'd be nice to have the kind of love
where I felt like anything was possible. 
Like I was the only one for them... 

Not wait for someone, while I give them all I have to give. 
Who won't even let me express myself. 
Who won't express himself to me... 
And put me on ice while he's being nice to other girls
and treating me like sh*t.... 
I. DO. NOT. WANT. THAT!

IF I HAVE TO WAIT, I'LL WORK ON MYSELF INSTEAD. 
And I'll jump on here to express myself. 
If I can't f*cking talk and open up to anyone. 

Lately, conversations have been about
trying to overcome anxiety. 
To talk just to talk. To try to feel okay. 
There are very few times I feel like I'm having a real conversation.