Sometimes....

The anxiety gets pretty bad sometimes. 
Talking to people helps, but.... I feel like I can't really reach out. 
I've wanted to, but I feel like a f*cking burden. 

I really wish I could talk to my son. I miss him. 
He knows that I miss him. 
He knows I love him. 
His father and him, they both know. 
Been left out in the cold many times before. 
A friend told me that it should be getting easier. It's never easy. 
I'm just sad.... 

"Don't give anyone enough power that their silence
makes you question your worth."

I went through this many times. Losing him many times. 
People end up leaving me. It contributes to the anxiety, 
but the unknowns in the future add to it, too. 
Not knowing if I'll see him again... 
Or hear from him again.... 
But it is his choice whether or not he wants me in his life. 
Sometimes he'd change his mind and see me again. 

Every time made me question my worth. 
As a mother and as a person. 
I keep looking at all my mistakes from the past.... 
And feeling like sh*t... 

I have to build my life up. 
I have to build myself up. 
And try to just feel better about being rejected
over and over and over.... 

It shouldn't speak to my actual worth. As a person. 
Talking about feeling like this isn't an option. 
Everyone I was talking to... 
They don't want to hear it anymore. I get it. 

I was feeling okay for a while. 
Despite all of this... 
Feeling like a person again. Like I matter. 
I'm tired of sinking. 
I'm tired of needing help that I can't get.... From anyone. 
Trying to reach out and just.... Ending up feeling bad for it. 
I know everyone has their own lives.... 

It's okay. I keep telling myself that it's okay. 
That I will be okay. I try to soothe myself. Try to help myself feel better. 
Try to remind myself that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. 
Just... I blame myself for so much.... 

I'm still a person whether I get to be a mother or not. 
Whether people want to be in my life or not. 
Whether anyone stays or not. 

It's nobody's job to pull me out. It's my job. 
I've been deep a bunch of times. 
Felt like giving up a bunch of times. 
I keep carrying on, though. 
I try to remind myself that if the things that happened to me
happened to other people, they probably wouldn't know how to take it, either. 
They are lucky that they have help to get through things. 
That these things haven't happened to them. 

"She's just crazy.... " That's what I get. 
The judgements and opinions.... 
Does anyone f*cking understand?! Do they?
Is it their job to understand what I've been going through?
No, so.... How can they pass judgment?

It's cool that other people have lives that look nothing like mine. 
So they can't understand what I'm going through....
"Why would they want nothing to do with you? What did you do?"
I take responsibility for my role. 
Will they take responsibility for their role?

Does my life have to look like people think it should?
Or what I think it should?
Or what I wanted it to look like?

Is it my fault that I keep getting overlooked?
But no, I don't have to feel bad about it. 
Like I keep feeling like a sh*tty mother
because I kept trying and trying and trying.... 
It's f*cking hard to accept. It really is. 

And how would others deal with this?
With an ex keeping you away from your kid....?
An ex who took your kid and wouldn't give him back?
An ex who has said who knows what to your kid about you?
And everyone thinking this was my choice?
Something that I've been trying to accept for the last 10 years.... 
Them both ignoring me periodically.... For long periods of time.
And then my son opening up to me about some things.... 
And now nothing.... 

Wouldn't you want to think your kid is safe with his other parent?
And want to trust them with your kid?
Because you don't really have a choice.... 
Because you gave your kid the choice to move back in with you.... 

Anyway, I just need to find some peace of mind. Just some peace. 
"Mom, I'll be okay." Something like that. 
But I have to be okay without that.

It's been really hard, but he has to make his own choices. 
His father made his choices. 

I really need to heal from this. I really do. 
It's so hard for me to trust. So hard. 
Like I don't really want to get involved with anyone. 
I wanted that, a few times, but I.... Just can't now. 

It's okay to be alone. It's okay. 
Even if I wanted to be loved. 
To have a bond... 
But it's like I don't want to want anything anymore. 
I used to want things. 
I used to want to have people in my life
and want them to want me to be in their life. 
I used to want those things. 

Had I stayed alone.... Who knows?

Things don't go as planned. 
People change their minds. I did first. 
Because I thought something was out there, for me.
Why did I think that? I had what I had wanted.
But I wanted more?
Or did I think I had what I wanted?

I wanted passion and romance. 
I wanted to be wanted. 
Not taken for granted. Appreciated. 
And it's great that some people have that. 
I'm happy for them. 

It's like I'm not who I really am.... 
I'm just everything everyone thinks I am. 
Because I may as well just surrender to the opinions, right?
But should I allow that? Or keep fighting for myself?
So that I can feel like myself again?

Someone used to say:
"It breaks my heart seeing you like that."

I can't do anything about the decisions others make. 
I don't have to let those decisions reflect me. 

Would I have been happy in that relationship?
I used to be, when things were good. 
But depression hit me hard and I couldn't talk
about how I felt or what I needed
and I know my son can't either. 
And it's not fair to him, either. 

And the people who have been easy to talk to... 
They don't want to be there. Which is okay. 
I'm surprised they stayed as long as they did. 
And I'm thankful that they were there. 

And there are some things that I should have kept my mouth shut about.... 
I just don't know how I feel about some things that were told to me.... 
And things weren't as they seemed.
Not the way I thought they were. 
And it makes me feel even worse about everything.... 

Wanting to have a family, be part of my family... 
And then... Like... Knowing that it's just not going to really happen. 
And I'm happy for people who have that. 
Because I know how important it is to have that. 

Just feeling abandoned by most people in my life.... 
And it weighs on me, a lot. 
Feeling like I don't belong anywhere. 
Like I'm hard to accept. As a person. 
But I have to accept myself. I have to forgive myself. 
I have to live my life for myself. 
Not for anyone who doesn't want me in their life. 
And not to feel bad about myself
for people not wanting me in their life. 
And not to feel like I'm such a horrible person
for not meeting everyone's expectations.... 
And for not meeting mine, either. 
And being okay with people thinking whatever they want 
about me.... Even when they think the worst. 

How do you deal with rejection and abandonment?
And just feel okay with yourself? 
Okay to carry on.... ?

There's been a lot of PAIN
that I've been keeping in for the most part.... 
Maybe I need a bit of tenderness and understanding. 
But do I? Do I need anyone?

I want to feel like it's okay to cry, to let it out.... 
To talk about it.... To let it out. Let it be known.
And then, yes, I have to move on. 
Because I can't dwell here. On this. For the rest of my life. 
Because if people wanted to be in my life, 
they'd be in my life. 
I wouldn't have to keep callling and calling and calling. 
I wouldn't have to knock on the door and get ignored. 
I wouldn't be shut out. Over and over and over again. 
Like they wanted me to just give up. A long time ago. 
But how could I?
And others gave up a long time ago. 
But I hear from people when they need something from me....
HOW IS THAT F*CKING FAIR TO ME?!
BUT HOW IS IT FAIR TO MYSELF TO KEEP F*CKING TRYING?!
AND FEELING LIKE I'M ONLY GOOD FOR THAT?!
NOT FOR TALKING TO? NOT FOR WANTING TO SEE?
NOT FOR WANTING TO JUST BE WITH?

LIKE I COULD F*CKING DIE TOMORROW.... 
AND NOBODY WOULD GAF.... 
BUT DO THEY HAVE TO GAF?
ABOUT ME?
JUST BECAUSE THAT WOULD FEEL GOOD? FOR ME?
FOR FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO GAF ABOUT ME?
TO CARE ABOUT ME?
IS THAT SELFISH TO WANT THAT?

I mean, the people who have that, they don't have to want that. 
They just have that and they don't realize they are LUCKY.

Am I okay with living a life with next to nobody in it?
Like with maybe 2 friends left on the face of the planet.... 
Who I don't want to burden anymore.....

I just want it to feel better to just be myself.... 
It would be nice to share my life with someone. 
Someone who really cares about me. 
Because they love me.... 
But do I have to have anyone to share my life with?
Just because it'd be nice to have?
Because it would help me feel better about myself?

But feeling better about myself comes first.
Regardless of how others feel about me..... 
Or what they think about me. 
Do any of them know me? Did they ever?
Did they even want to know me? Did they try?
All they know are things about me. 
About my life and they were not a part of it for a long time. 
If ever, really. 
Especially in the last 10 years when I needed a real friend. 
There's been like two real friends who haven't given up on me. 

Like I feel bad and reaching out isn't for pity. Or sympathy. 
It's for help... But I can't. 

It's like I still love someone, but I can't love them. 
Like I can't show them love because they don't want me to. 
And that has been a theme in my life this year. 
It's been really f*cking hard. 
Like I can't even express how this feels.... 
Unless you're a rejected parent.... Who still loves their kid.... 
But there comes a time when you have to let go
of whoever wants you to let go.... 
No matter how hard it is... 
No matter how it looks to everyone else... 
No matter how you feel about it.... 
No matter how much you wish things were different.... 
But is it about what I want? No. 
It's about what they want. They want me to let go. 
I have to accept that and it's hard to accept. 
But resisting it is only bringing me misery. 
Wanting to love and not being allowed to...
Is causing me grief. Beyond belief. 

But it's like all I see is evidence of how I feel about myself. 
"I feel like a sh*tty mother."
"Oh, you feel like a sh*tty mother?
Let's have your son reject you because you feel like a sh*tty mother..."
"I feel like a sh*tty person."
"Oh, you feel like a sh*tty person?
Let's send you people who reinforce that feel that you have...."

It's like the only thing I wanted was love, 
but it turned out to be anything other than what I wanted.
And I kept feeling like I didn't deserve it
because if I did, would it have been so hard?
And when I had it, I ruined it. 
Because I wasn't ready to let my past go... 
Because I wanted my son to still have his father in his life, 
and I regret the decision I made. 
Because I could have had something really good. And I did. 

.....