Like Others Do

I'd rather leave people alone than have them think that I'm using them. 
It's not a good feeling to be feel used. 
And not a good feeling having someone feel like you're using them. 
Or think that you are. I don't like it. 
So as much as I enjoy talking to someone, 
if they think I'm talking to them because I'm being 'needy'
or something like that.... 
Just because I'm not the most stable person in the world
and may need some help... 
Then I'd rather just figure sh*t out on my own.

But I've been through some things others are going through, 
so I can understand where they are coming from. 

But when others haven't been through what I am going through, 
they can't understand where I'm coming from. 

"Why is A*** so insecure?"
Hmmm maybe all the gaslighting did stuff to me. 
But maybe I have a really hard time believing in myself. 
So do others when they think I'm using them
to feel secure... Or whatever they think. 
When yes, it's nice to have some support. 
When I haven't had very much support in my life. 
And if I had more support from others in my life, 
I wouldn't be looking for it, from any particular person. 

But, yes, I need to support myself. Like others do.

And yes, it takes someone really strong
to show someone that they can support themselves. 
Even if the only way they can is to force someone to back off. 
Like pulling the rug out from under them. 
Like Do. Not. Rely. On. Me.

It's kind of like when you're being kind to someone
and really helping them. 
Then they just start expecting you to be there. 
Been there. 

I've done that to others without realizing I was doing it. 
Pretty sure I wasn't doing it on purpose. 
I know how it feels when it's been done to me. 

"Let people miss you."
The people who just expected you to be there.
Who relied on you too much... 
Who aren't balanced... 
Ooof! I felt it. Missing people. 
Who I expected to just be there. 
Because they were there!
But they never had to be there!

The things they did for me, was for me. 
Wasn't for them. 
WTF were they getting out of it?
Other than appreciation?

And I always felt like I owed them, 
but couldn't pay them back. 
That they were above me in so many ways. 
And because of that I felt even more insecure. 
Like here's this great person helping me. 
But they are likely going to get tired of helping me. 
And I should only ask for their help sparingly, 
but I really enjoy talking to them. 

And it gets to the point that I've been alone for so long
that I forget how to talk to people. 
Even though I want to. 
But since they are good with being alone, 
they don't reach out to me.... 
And when I reach out to them, I feel 'needy'
like I'm reach out for their attention, 
when I'm reaching out to reach out, 
or I'm reaching out because I need help with something, 
but it gets to a point that I stop asking for help.
Even when I still need it.
Because I can't and won't force anyone to help me. 
They were helping me because they could see me struggling.

But it's not like I enjoy struggling. 
Just been struggling so long that it's all I know. 

Like how a lot of unhealthy people stay unhealthy
because they don't know any other way to be. 
Obviously healthy is better. 
But how can they be something they are not?
They have to want to change, to really change. 
And go through what they need to go through to change. 

Feelings of insecurity come up when I have loss after loss. 
When I cause losses. 
Trying to hold on too tightly. 
Because I've lost people I never wanted to lose.
I've wanted to have people in my life
who wanted to be there. 
Who weren't there just because they felt bad or guilty. 
They wanted to be there, for me, with me. 
But they didn't. 

Which kind of makes me want to just be alone. 
Because it's easier to just struggle alone
than want people in my life who don't want to be there. 

And it caused me to push people away
who did want to be there, but I wasn't convinced that they did. 
That eventually, they'd think I was using them, too. 

I had been selfish back then. 
And yes, I did feel like I needed more than I actually needed. 
Like "the only way my 'needs' are going to be met
is if this person or these people fulfill my 'needs.'"
I wasn't doing enough to fulfill my own needs. 
Still haven't been. 
And that makes me loathe myself. 
When I could be doing more to fulfill my own needs.
And I should be.

I think it started when I needed more from my parents
who weren't able to give me what I needed.

And I needed others to show me how to give to myself. 
I guess 'takers' need to learn how to give. 
Even if the only thing they can give is space. 
Even if the 'giver' thinks that the 'taker'
just moved onto another 'giver.'

I heard it being said like:
"You're not the only charity in town.
When you stop giving, they go to someone else who will."
That makes sense for all the people
who ever used me. When I got fed up
with not getting anything back or feeling used... 
They just found someone else they could use.

It's not that I have any problem helping and giving. 
I help when and where I can, 
and even try to help when it's not wanted.... 
But I have very little to give
because I didn't learn to give to myself.
I've had a lot of help from people who helped me. 
And even they could only give me so much. 

So when I feel completely depleated.... 
When I experience another hit or another loss.... 
Or something I'm having a hard time taking.... 
And I go to someone and tell them what I just took. 
And ask them how they'd take it....
So that I don't have to take it as hard as I'd usually take it... 
It's like I'm taking from them. 
By asking how they'd take something... 
If that makes any sense. 

It's like I only seem to have any value to anyone
is if I have something to give. 
And when I can give, I give it as much as I've got. 
Only for them to take all they can get. 
Until I have nothing left. Not even patience.... 
Not even understanding.... 

But the people who kept taking advantage of me
and taking me for granted.... 
They still had value to me, until I didn't want
to feel like I was being used, taken advantage of, 
or being taken for granted.... 
Because it didn't feel good. 

But givers rarely meet other givers. 
Like "Oh! I can get something from you, too?"

I haven't really had a lot to give. 
And that's not an excuse to just take. 
It being easier to take than to give
isn't an excuse to take, either. 
Feeling 'needy' isn't an excuse to take, either. 

So what I've needed more is to have a balance. 
Of give and take. 
With myself and with other people. 
Because that is what is healthy. 
It's not healthy to be a giver to the takers. 
Or a taker to the givers. 
It's healhy to be able to give and
allow yourself to receive. 

It's been like I was always just been expected to be there. 
For people who weren't there for me. 
And it's like they can't see that or don't want to. 
But I keep thinking that they don't want to see it. 
Every time I ever pointed it out, they'd get mad at me. 
Like I was trying to make them feel guilty
for never being there for me when I needed them, 
but they always wanted me there for them
because they always knew I would be. 

So it's hard to go from that
to something where both people are just there for each other. 
Just because they both want to be. 
Because at the back of my mind, I keep feeling like
they actually don't want to be. 
"Why would they want to be there for me?"
"Wouldn't they want someone stronger?"

Even though it feels good to help people, 
it doesn't feel good to be expected to help people. 
Like I was expected to help people by others
because THEY didn't want to. 
And even though I wanted to, I was tired. 
I was always there for others and they weren't there for me. 

And when I started taking care of myself more than others.... 
They got mad at me for that, too. 

So I get that. It makes me want to help, less. 
To the point that I don't want to help anymore. 

Like with my family. I helped because I wanted to.
But they made into "help me because you have to, 
but they were like: I don't have to help you, or even talk to you
unless I want something from you."
Obviously that got me feeling a certain way. 
About myself. Like they were worth it
but I f*cking wasn't. 

And I was putting them over myself. 
I was putting myself out to help them. 
But they wouldn't even f*cking LISTEN to me. 
About how I felt about what they were doing to me.
How they were treating me. 
Like I wasn't ever allowed to feel any way about that. 

So it's like I never got back what I gave. 
And feels like I never will. 
So I didn't get to have healthy relationships. 

To the point where anyone gave me a compliment, 
I couldn't even take that, 
because I wasn't used to getting much of anything, 
let alone a compliment. 
Even though had I been able to take it, 
it probably would have done a lot of good. 

But I didn't learn how to give compliments, either. 
There was a lot I didn't learn to give. 
That I wasn't getting, ever. 

Do people give themselves compliments? Most don't. 
People with really f*cking low self-esteem don't. 
They want compliments from others that they don't get. 
And they should be okay with it, but they aren't. 
"Can't anyone see the good in me?"
Maybe they do, but they don't always say they do.
But it's nice to hear it. 
Without having to say: "I don't know what you're thinking of me."

But I gave people the power to hurt me. 
So they used it. To hurt me. 

And I always thought it was about me. 
It was and it wasn't. 
They were using what I gave them. 
I wasn't using what I gave myself
because I wasn't giving anything to myself. 

Because few people gave that to me. 
Maybe nobody gives anyone the power to give to themselves. 
And that is what they need. 
To stop giving people power that they don't need. 
To give themselves the power that they need. 
And how do you even start doing it
when you've never done it?

And just because we've never done it, 
doesn't mean that we can't. 
Like can't, ever. 

Because we learned to do things
that we couldn't do before. 
Like walking, talking, writing, reading, etc. 
Maybe they are easy things to do
because w've done them for a long time, 
but we had to model ourselves off other people. 

And we tend to look at the people around us. 
Who are supposed to be in our lives. 


Like I'm not 16 or 26 anymore. I'm 36. 
There are some ways that my growth has been stunted. 
Because of some things that were my fault and some things that weren't. 

There are a lot of ways that I'm still immature. 
It bugs me to admit that. 
Because people all want to be mature
unless they want to be immature. 

There was a time I didn't care as much as I should have. 
I can admit that. Even though it's a sh*tty thing to admit. 
But it had a lot to do with not caring very much about myself. 
I stayed in toxic relationships. 
I had a non-existant relationship with myself. 
Still... I could be talking myself out of doing stupid things. 
Instead of talking myself and being talked into doing it. 
But since I haven't been able to support myself in that way
I haven't been doing that. 

But at least I care enough to figure out
what I've been doing wrong with most of my life. 

Self-esteem affects a lot. 
It's one of the worst things I've done to myself
was to keep my self-esteem so f*cking low. 
And depression, it doesn't help, 
but we feel according to how we think. 
If we keep thinking about all the reasons why we are depressed, 
it's not going to make us feel better. 

And I know that I keep doing it. 
Even though I've been prolonging my suffering. 
It's like the more people have to be happy about, 
the happier they are. 
The more they have to be sad about, the sadder they are. 

Like hard to be happy when we are focused on
something we are sad about. 
And the failures I've had have been epic. 

Because there was so much I was supposed to do
that I didn't get to do
because I either stood in my own way, 
chosen wrongly, 
wasn't aware, 
didn't care enough, 
couldn't see something, 
didn't understand something, 
didn't want to.... 
Was too stubborn... 
Wasn't smart enough... 

Whatever the reasons were, at the time. 

It's important to care. And care a lot. 
And show people you care about them. 
And why you care about them.... 

But we can't force people to care about anything
especially about themselves. 

I can't force my kid to care about me. 
He told me he doesn't anymore.
And that he doesn't love me anymore. 
I still care about him and love him. 
I can't force him to believe that I do. 
That anyone does. 

He always said he needed "proof"
even though I was doing all that I could. 
I always had to proove myself to him
and I ended up shooting myself in the foot. 
Over and over and over again. 
I made a lot of mistakes. A lot. 

And I wish I hadn't made those mistakes. 
I wish I had been stronger, more aware, 
better in so many ways. 
And then my son might have turned out happier. 
With the willingness to care. 

I got over a lot of my anger. 
I realize where a lot of it came from. 
That helped me overcome a lot of that stuff. 
I changed a lot as a result of that. 
I just deal with it a lot differently than I used to. 

My anger got scary at my brother for being scary angry with me. 
I caught myself doing things without thinking about them. 
Things I wouldn't normally do. 
It was ugly and I didn't like that, at all. 
It wasn't cool of me and I never thought I'd get to that point
and I got to that point. 
Like I couldn't stop myself from acting impulsively. 
And they were not good impulses to follow. 
And even looking back on that, I'm like "WTF A***?!"

I used to get so angry that all I wanted to do was break something. 
Because for whatever reason, it was satisfying. 
So I had access to glass jars and I was so angry
that I took them out to the garage to smash them. 
And then I felt better. 

I had to calm down a lot. 
I had to look at why I was getting angry. 
Why I thought I had to smash glass to feel better. 

I had to look at the fact that I think all kinds 
of stupid things
so maybe thinking I had to smash glass
to feel better was stupid thinking. 

And my thinking's been stupid. 
So maybe doing most of what I've ever done
in my life was based on stupid thinking?

And because I think stupidly, 
a lot of the time.... 
Maybe I should have to learn how to stop thinking that way
and start thinking differently. 
I'm still learning to think differently. 
Because I get things wrong. 
And take a lot of things the wrong way. 

We can't fix something in a night or two. 
As much as we have to be patient with ourselves, 
we can't be too patient. 
"I'll get there someday...." 16 years later.... 
What was I waiting for?
For the love of a good man who would help me
feel like I was worth enough 
to make something of myself?

Because I was waiting for that. 
And I was waiting for others to approve
because a lot of people actually resented me
because they never wanted me to have anything better
than what they had or have. 

Like I couldn't be happy when they weren't.
They didn't want me to be happy. 
They wanted to hurt me. 

And had I been there more, tried harder...
Wouldn't they want me to be happy, too?
Like I want people to be happy, 
I guess I have done things that
they weren't happy with
but did they have to hurt me?
Yes, I know I hurt people I loved, too. 
By trying to get what I wanted
when it wasn't what they wanted
and being an Ice Queen. 

The thing is that we have to think about things. 
And a lot of the times we don't like to think.
Because it can be exhausting to expand our minds
way beyond what they have been. 
If we are very small minded, and have a lot to learn...
And we are different people
who learn different things at different times. 

We have to be somewhat open minded to admit
that we are small minded and have a lot to learn. 

Like I don't know how to cope with pain easily. 
It sits in my stomach until I think I'm over it. 
A lot of the time I'm not over it. 
I only think that I am. Or thought that I was. 
Somehow, I wasn't. 

There was a time when I really thought
that nobody cared. 
When I realized that certain people in my life
didn't care
It was easy to say that nobody did. 
But there are some who do. 
And we have to be one of those people. 
Who cares and who shows up ...
For the right reasons at the right times. 

Most people in my life gave up on me. 
My son included and I didn't give up on him. 
I kept trying. I still do. 
It's like I have to beg to be in his life again. 
And he's not talking to me which makes it hard.

He thinks shutting me out gives him power
and he knows he's hurting me. 

And he'd be hurt if I did that to him. 
There were times I gave him space. 
But I always had hope that he'd come back. 

I really hope that he does. 
But he doesn't appreciate what I did
or why I did it. 

But if he thinks I don't care, he has it wrong. 
Yes, maybe I cared too much at some times. 
And maybe I showed him
in ways he didn't understand. 
That only made sense to me. I guess. 
And not enough at other times....
I blame myself for all the mistakes I made in my life. 
And he blames me for a lot. 
A lot was my fault.